I need some advice on online dating. I've been separated since 7/06 and just started online dating. I've talked to many people online and just recently to two on the phone. I'm curious and would like to meet them. Any suggestions? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

It is just that you should take things calm and easy so that you don't make mistake. Take your time to really know the person you are talking to on the phone. Thanks

notkimmiez,




IMO you should not be dating.You're not divorced yet.That isn't right nor healthy.

I personally don’t say you should never date until you are divorced. Some divorces take years and years. I would say you should date until after you’ve filed for divorce and proceedings are under way.

I’d also say you should give yourself a lot of time to heal before you do online dating.

There are people out there who target the newly separated or divorced. They search for new profiles and target those innocent to the ways of online dating.

If you decide to date, make sure you give out limited information about yourself. Talk on the phone several times, and meet in neutral public places. Also, as many would tell you on this board, you have to be ready for rejection, lots of rejection. Often, people just stop emailing or calling without an explanation. Getting stood up is not out of the realm of possibilities.

Depends entirely on YOUR goals.

Dating by definition is about friendship right. Not scoring your next piece as quickly as possible. It isnt always looking for the next committed relation either.

Now dating can be a good tool to help recover. It can get you into curculation again. Some people wait for the time when things are right and live misreable for years. I know I refused to date for 4 years after my 1st divorce. And when I started dating I was so lonely that I was deperate. Loneliness has killed my chances with some really great women and I suspect that this is a common occurance.

I think dating is just that... getting together have some fun. See if personalities mesh. It is a tragedy that WE all seem to equate dating with the next 'ONE'. And latch on to the first regular that falls in our lap.

The issue about online dating is no differant than any dating. Use your brain and be smart. Anyone can be decieved. Never go together... meet. Find out how they operate do they:

-kiss on the first date. If not when is there expectation?
-are there expectations about sex. Be honest and dont let the heat of the moment be an excuse. If you cant respect yourself he/she never will.

I think we can all speck about how short lived sexual fings are. And the lack of committment that permeates these relationships.

My current wife and I discussed sex and expectation before we ever met but we knew each other pretty well. I met her online. We IM'd for a few weeks and then moved onto many hours of phone conversation for 2 months. When we met for the first time... it still gives me chills thinking of it.
What I am getting at is caution is the best bet.

gotta go get my kidos from school.
Just be cautious in any dating situation.

That's an interesting point. Dating means differnt things to different people. Some look on it as courtship and wouldn't date if they weren't looking for a serious relationship. OThers look at it as a way to have fun, including sexual fun, and aren't looking for anything long-term. And then, there's anything in between.

I wouldn't consciously use dating to cope with divorce. It's not fair to your dates. They are people with feelings, too. Enough issues come up even when you are in a good place, I can't imagine the issues that come up if you aren't. Besides, I don't like using people.

And that's the big danger in dating if you haven't been through the greiveing process and re-established your self-esteem. You use and/or get used. It can be a huge spiral.

Also, I believe online dating is radically different from dating someone you've met in person first. If you've met them in real life it’s because somewhere, some how your paths have crossed. Those paths could cross again, so people tend to have some accountability. Online, there are many people you wouldn’t have met otherwise, and if you don’t meet in person, you’ll never meet. There are less avenues, like mutual acquaintances, for checking up that the person is who she or he says they are. And the chances that either party’s behavior will get back to their own set is much reduced. Therefore, there’s more likelihood someone would act poorly.

The internet is also like a candy store. It’s shopping. People are interested in dating more than in dating you. They don’t know you.

I used to be on the side of not dating until the divorce is final, but having seen too many people get beaten up and dragged around the legal system for years, I have changed my mind. I have a friend whose wife left him for another man. The guy was rich, a real barracuda, and he used his money to hire a shark who pulled every legal trick in the book to try and bully and intimidate my friend. The divorce dragged on for over three years. All this time his wife was having a grand time living with her boyfriend, traveling with him and no doubt, getting her emotional and physical needs met. In that case, I could not critisize him for finding a g/f even though his divorce was not final. The divorce legal battles only ended when his wife made a stupid mistake, putting something in writing, that showed she was being devious in court. Had she not made that one mistake he might still be in court getting his assets drained by this scum bag and his immoral lawyer.

You have not been separated that long, so I would be careful. You are injured and need to heal, whether or not the divorce is final. I know it took me several years to heal, something I would not have thought at the time of my divorce.

Ah that is true to a point... I think many people move from dating into courtship. Relatively quickly. I diameterically opposed to that type of practice because more often than not some usually me gets hurt.


Seeking friendship? That is a poor way to cope after ending a relationship? I must disagree. Getting out meeting new people talking about other things beside the weight of your current situation. Sitting at home waiting for your heart to become jaded isnt a good way to cope. And your current group of friends always treat you wierd. I just dont know about that.


This is a interesting thought and holds some truth. But every relationship could hold possible danger.
1. You can get to know a person pretty well if you take your time either way. And online you dont have to worry about a stalker.
2. The friendship can be enhanced without pressure of sex and having sex. And truely learn to love without the person not some physical aspect that means so very little.
3. Online is a come and go thing. But it isnt bad you can find someone interest in you.
4 yes eventually online once it reaches a certain state it must move to meeting but same as face to face dating there are risks.

Just something else to think about <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
my 2 cents so to speak

Ancron, I have nothing against friendship. I personally don’t date my friends. Dating has a physical chemistry for me that friendship doesn’t hold. A few times, people I’ve dated have turned into good friends even though the romance didn’t work out. But, if I want to make friends, I do things other than date.

And, I never advocate sitting at home alone. I personally think people need to get out. Volunteer, join a group, just go to the library. I used to go to the library and then, armed with my book, go to a pub for a glass of wine and a bit to eat. Books keep away most people who just want to hook up, but can be conversation starters. Makes you feel like you are a part of life, don’t you know?

My mission.....to face my fears and be more like you GG!!!

K!

I agree with AmericaB. You shouldn't be dating so soon after a breakup with your SO. My breakup happened 6+ months ago and I still not ready. You need time to heal and try (if it's possible to) work on this relationship.

It always amazes me to see anyone,especially here on MB,encourage another to date or give tips when they are still married .I just don't understand that train of thought.

You are either in the marriage or out(D),not "seeing what's out there".It's incredibly hurtful to the marriage,the other person and the children,if there are any.You cannot be successful in trying to fix the marriage if you're out being involved with others.good grief.Why is that not common sense? Yes one may be lonely,yes you may be on the last legs headed to divorce but until it's really over,no one has any business dating.

And most importantly and having seen this time and again here over the years,people run into trouble when they date too soon and have not taken adequate time to heal from the divorce,taken time to be on your own and be comfortable/secure with that and taken time to become a suitable partner for another person.You risk not only hurting yourself but another person who deserves a healthy partner.

It may take many months or years to get through the process of divorce but there is a reason for that.Even if you are 100% sure you never want to see your soon-to-be-ex again in this lifetime,like me,but you are still hung up on financial issues,etc,then you still should be dealing with that topic and get it solved first.Is it fair to be involved in all that and expect someone else to be in your life,along for that ride? I don't think so.At least not in my book.So you have to wait to date.Get your ducks in a row before venturing out.Clean slate.And you can still be part of life in a great many ways, just not dating while still being married.

This stuff is part of the rationale I see that harms marriages.It's not held sacred anymore.


JMO

AmericanBeauty: I agree with you 100% about not dating or getting involve in a new relationship before the ink dries on your divorce papers. But I have a question. What about people that were never married to their Ex? With my I asked, begged and demanded that we marry after we started having children. My ex told me again and again that “You should have married me when our 1st child was born”. Yes we didn’t marry before our 1st born, but we both agreed on that. But after the 2nd , she refuse too get married. You have no ideal how much this hurt me. If I asked her once about this issue, I asked her a thousand times. Do you have any ideal how it was to be in a relationship with someone that just rejects you again and again. I would never leave my children so that I was just trapped in this relationship! I will never find it in my heart to forgive for that! This wasn’t the only issue that came up concerning our children and their warfare, but I don’t want to get into it now. This hurts me enough (have to control those trigger) Knowing now that she has NPS, I still will never forgive for that decision! Damn triggers! later!

sag,

I'm sorry you're upset.My post was targeted to the idea of dating while still married which I could debate all day long.I would have to think about what dating while "in a serious relationship" might mean.It certainly would still be important but there's no legal, binding matter to consider and to me it's the vow you take before God,etc that I find sacred and shouldn't be tossed aside when things get tough so one can go out and see other people.

A rule of thumb in my mind is that you try your absolute best to work things out and do whatever you can and if it still won't work then you end the relationship.But at that time you aren't involved with anyone else who could sway you.In my case,I was the only one working at trying to keep my marriage from sinking and I couldn't do it alone anymore.No one should or can ultimately.It takes two to make a marriage work and survive.




Oh yeah.I think most,if not all of us here do.I remember one horrid night in particular that I was sobbing and asked my ex not to leave me.I was so sick,scared and thoughts of suicide invaded my mind I was in so much pain.He walked out of our bedroom and left me alone and from then on it was one horrible rejection/false recovery/nightmare over and over until I said enough.My story's years old but yes,I do know rejection intimately.I had children to consider as well which is why I tried so hard to save my marriage and family.In the end it was lost too,like so many other's...

By the way...I noticed you live in Illinois.I used to live in Arlington Heights for a few years as a teenager(Dad worked in chicago).I sometimes wonder what it's like now

AmericanBeauty,

I understand your concern over my on line dating. Before judging me, here is a little bit about me. My husband left, and I haven't spoke or seen him since. The only communication we had was email and he blocked me in Sept, so I send him faxes when necessary. It's a pretty poor situation to which I don't see how I could try to revive my marriage. Yes I wanted to, but if you don't see/talk to someone, how can you make it work. My WH is with the OW and she is pregnant and in his own words he's starting a new life. I filed for divorce in September and really do feel that the marriage is over. Would I take him back if he has remorse, I don't know.

Dating on line has given me some self-esteem back that he took from me when he left. As far as any the emotional involvement, I'm only looking for someone to talk to, not a physical relationship, I know I can't handle that for a while. I'm not deceiving anyone, I am very upfront in my profile of not wanting to take the plunge, that I'm just looking for friendship and good conversation.

So do you still feel the same way?

Thank for your reply, and I know your pain well! After she left I downloaded the song from MASH, “suicide is painless”. Why, I will never know. But I would just play it over and over again. I know that because I have two boys to take care of. I would never do that. But I know what it feels like. God when we love someone so much and then they leave, Why oh why does it have to hurt so much!





Arlington Heights like the other towns outside of chicago is growing like crazy. Same as Elgin were I live. Elgin is only about 20-30 Minutes from Arlington Heights. In fact that is were my sister lived with her foster parents and went to the high school there! I don't get to chicago very Often. But it's nice to live close to a big city! Were do you live? The state I mean. Anyway, thanks for your reply!

Why do WE (notice I included myself here) persist in trying to fix our emotional predicaments with yet another relationship?

Why do WE attempt to medicate our pain with something that won't ultimately work?

Why don't WE get our friendship & good conversation needs met in appropriate surroundings while we're still working through divorce procedings? Like church? Divorce care group? Recovery group? Family & friends of same gender?

Why on earth do WE feel it is OK to pursue another relationship with the opposite sex of any sort or level while we're still legally married & "we don't know" if we'd ever take our WS back?

notkimmie,

First of all,I have to say,I don't understand it when people say "before you judge me",etc....if you weren't looking to be "judged" so to speak,then why post a query about dating while separated? Our actions define us,at least in my opinion.I don't think you are a bad person,I just expressed my feelings about a topic you brought up.If you look up the definition,all I was doing was evaluating what you were doing.

Also,I do sympathize with what you are going through.We all have had some seriously bad situations go on.But in the end,it's just not right IMO to be dating while still married.If your WH will not come to the table and try to salvage the marriage then you can take steps.I also understand the need for reclaiming your life and the self esteem issue.Also making new friends and conversation.But why can't that be with women for now as you process the D and heal?

You must be somewhat aware that anytime you develop a "friendship" with someone of the opposite sex it can lead down certain paths.It's a risk I personally would not take until I was D'd and long healed.And I just don't think that one can be without some significant time on their own after the D is finalized.That is what I have done and I feel that maybe next spring or summer I will be really ready.I want to have a bit more time to be extra sure.

So,yes.This is something I feel very strongly about and I would not ever change my mind about it.As much as I know I would not cheat on my partner.It's not in me to do that.I know Dr.Harely says we are all at risk for A's but I don't agree with that.I am very secure in my boundaries and protecting what I believe in.

I also have a strong moral compass and always have so I cannot be swayed by anyone into betraying my values.That's just me though and I have encountered other's who just don't think it's possible to be that way.I am not saying you should be like that.I just wouldn't want you or anyone to get hurt by what I see as "rushing" into things.You yourself said you don't know if you would take your WH back if he was remorseful.That possibility could be wiped out if another is involved with you.

Lastly,I would encourage anyone to find self esteem and strength in ones self and have it not be dependent upon anyone else.To me that comes from being on your own and finding out who you are as an individual and what matters most to you in life.It's all just my opinion,you don't have to agree.

Sag,

I live in Massachusetts.I knew a few other MB'ers that were from my state but don't post here anymore.It's funny,what I remember about Arlington heights was how flat the area was.I remember Tony Roma's BBQ ribs too.Don't know if that chain is still around.

I love Boston for a city but hate the big dig. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I will check it out and let you know. Did you go to Arlington Heights highschool?