Post deleted by stillhopefulh

Have you exposed her to her family? If she communicates with him via email or chat, I would get a program that restricts certain websites or completely get rid of internet at your home altogether. She obviously isn't strong enough to overcome her addiction, so you are going to have to remove all the "booze" from the house. Don't allow her to relapse. Also, I'm not a legal expert, but maybe you could sue him or get some kind of restraining order on him. If they communicate via phone, block his number or change your phone number. Take away your wife's cell if you have to. She has a very powerful addiction to the OM, and if you want to save your marriage, you are going to have to take drastic steps to "cure" her of it.

- Jim

Still... purchase and read "Surviving an Affair", and learn about the dynamics of affairs, and how marriages become vulnerable. In the mean time, until you get your copy of the book, read about the Marriage Builder's program from this site, beginning at the home page. Read in particular about exposure. Affairs thrive in secrecy, and it is imperative that you take the seemingly drastic measure of exposre to help bring the affair to an end.

Will your WW be angry? Yep, probably madder than you've ever seen her. Can your marriage survive? Yep, it is more likely to survive her anger, than it is having a third party in the middle of it. Knowledge is power, and the more you learn about how "ordinary" affairs are, and how a faithfully executed set of steps can make a difference, the better off you will be.

Another book you might think of purchasing, and just leave laying around for your WW to pick up and read is "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Right now her addiction is so strong, she probably won't be interested in learning how "bad" her behavior has been, but I do think she is on the verge of taking the next step, if she hasn't already.

Prepare yourself for a long, tedious, bumpy journey. Stick around here for advice while in the process. Following the MB philosophy is your very best option right now.

One last thing you might consider is hiring a PI to see what info he/she might be able to dig up on the OM, through public records, cell phone records, land line records or acquiring test messages or IM logs. Many WS's will deny their involvement even when concrete evidence is placed before them.

Best wishes,
SD

Post deleted by stillhopefulh

Post deleted by stillhopefulh

Expose her to her boss or HR director at work. They can put an end to the emails. I'm sure the company has a policy against certain personal use of company computers. I'm sure sending out sexually explicit emails can be one of them. Most companies can track or even cut off access to certain websites. I know of one company that cut off access to yahoo mail and hotmail because they felt their employees were checking their email too often. Take some of your wife's emails with a timestamp on it (so they know she was at work) as proof and they will likely have to say something to your wife. This often scares the WS straight because they definitely can't leave you if they don't have a job. Have you exposed your wife to her family and friends? I know my parents would straighten me out if I were having an affair.

- Jim

You are going to have to get out of denial quickly if you don't want another man to f*** your wife! It has gone on for THREE FREAKING YEARS; it ain't going away without exposure! My wife cut off contact with the OM, FIVE DAYS after exposure. Isn't that what you want?!?

- Jim

Post deleted by stillhopefulh

Post deleted by stillhopefulh

Don't let your fear paralyze you. WSs and affairs thrive under this fear. If anything it will be HARDER for her to go through with it if she is exposed. You said it yourself that things keep progressing further and further each time. It is inevitable to turn into a PA if you don't do something. Trust the experts here at this forum. Your WS will say anything to keep you from exposing her affair because it will be harder to continue her affair. It is like a drug addict threatening to commit suicide if you take there drugs away from them. She is just desparate to keep her affair. You need to be strong and stand up for yourself (and your wife) and kill this EA before it turns PA. Your wife will thank you for it later. I'll try and get some of the old time experts to post on your thread to reinforce my statements.

- Jim

Post deleted by stillhopefulh

A WS will threaten a lot of stuff they don't generally end up doing. Got to run...will check back later. Exposure should not be put off unless you are going to assign a PI to follow WW to the meeting and bust the A wide open at that time.

Never beleive anything the WW says about the OM. It will be a lie or convoluted truth. The only way your WW is going to consider giving up this fantasy is with a full blown exposure. When you expose her at her workplace, do all you can to get logs of any e-mails or like material that will serve as proper, court-ready evidence. It will come in handy for exposure, and for court if a divorce becomes a reality.

Hang in there...get over your state of semi-denial. This isn't harmless fun...this is your marriage. Hunker down!

SD

If this is what you want, I suggest you continue on your current course. If you want to save your M I suggest that you expose this affair to the light of day....let your W know that NC is essential to moving forward... and off the Harley track here, make an offer to body builder boy that he can't refuse (or have someone else do it for you). Basically HE needs to know that if he continues to prey on your family that there will be life altering repercussions. Use your imagination... it is not hard to get my drift here.
Your W needs to be treated like the WS that she is. Don't trust in anything she says... she will lie about any and everything to continue this mess. Exposure right now is your best tool. Best of luck to you.

shf,

Sorry you find yourself here but take solice in that your story sounds alot like mine and many others that have come here for support and guidance. There is hope for your M if you want to fight for it.

Since what you have been doing thus far hasn't really worked and your WW is on the slippery slope of turning her EA into a PA (if it hasn't already), I would strongly suggest exposing her A to people that would make an impact on her and OM.

Expose to her work and family members so they can put pressure on her R with OM and remove some of the fantasy.

She will be angrier than you can imagine and will make all sorts of threats to you...my WW did when I exposed her EA and PA last year. Now she says she misses me and is sorry.

Things can change but like many of the wise verterans told me, it will take TIME and PATIENCE. I can't stress how true this is.

So expose to her work and see if OM has a GF so you can expose to them also.

HTW

stillhopefulh,

EXPOSE! Exposure is your best bet. You have to ask yourself how you could possibly go on knowing that you have a chance to throw a monkey wrench into this affair and have the power to help END it. I've seen this reluctance from other BS's here on this board, because of the reaction they may get from the WS. Don't wait! Don't try to think of your wife as someone who is thinking rationally AT ALL right now.

Do you want to continue living as you are now, always waiting for the other shoe to drop, or do you want to control what YOU have control over, in order to stop the chaos? This is about you, your life. I would rather have done all I could to end my WH's affair, than live with the knowledge that I wasted the power I had.

This is exactly what WSs do. They want the BS to make the hard decisions and to do the ending of the marriage.

The trouble is that a WS doesnt know what they want. They are addicted. They are in the fog. So, what they "want" is of no consequence, as it almost always is the wrong thing. And in the end, not what they really wanted.

So, what to do?

Well, expose the affair. And Plan A. In the meantime, dont do anything about divorce. Dont file. Dont even talk about it. Only talk about the marriage and saving it.

Let her do the hard work. Most WSs are unwilling to do the hard work and to divorce, because in the end, they realize deep down that divorce is not what they truly want.

still, exposure is ruinous to affairs because they are contingent upon fantasies and exposure injects a much needed dose of reality. When exposed, the affairees are forced to see how sleazy they look through the eyes of others. This is why, keeping her dirty secret, as you are, serves to enable the affair, against your best interests.

You have noticed the addictive quality of the affair. She is exactly like a crack addict in that she wants to keep her crack use secret. Imagine then if you brought a crowd of people into the crack house to view your wife getting high. No one wants to smoke crack when everyone is looking, it ruins the high and makes the addict feel sleazy. Similarly, who wants to conduct an affair when others are watching?

Exposure will probably not end the affair immediately, but will cause such conflict that it can have the result of hastening its death.

I also think that this OM will dump your W like a piece of used toilet paper at the first sign of trouble. She is not worth the trouble to him. I suspect if you paid him a little visit and asked him what his intentions were for your W, that he would dump her quickly.

And lastly, your W will be furious when you expose. However, the goal here is save your marriage by busting up this affair, not avoid her anger at any cost. Your marriage can survive some temporary anger, it can't survive this affair. And it sounds to me like this affair has only become more and more entrenched over the years, because of your lack of action. In short, if you want to save your marriage, you are going to have to do some work here, sh. No one is going to hand you your marriage on a silver platter.


This sentiment completely defies an understanding of the mentality of an addict. Addicts only quit under DURESS. They don't magically wake up and see the error of their ways. They quit when the pain of the addiction is greater than the pain of quitting. Exposure can provide that needed pain.

Post deleted by stillhopefulh

I wonder what her HR department might do about this if they found out...?

Ultimatums do not work, especially with WS's. Don't get into making demands with her just state you will not accept anyone who threatens the safety of your M and family.

Then EXPOSE without warning and to everyone all at the SAME time so she does not pre-empt your exposure by warning everyone that you are crazy.

I agree with Mel that OM seems to be a selfish predator who will not seek to continue the pursuit of your WW when push comes to shove.