I am recovering from learning about an affair that happened long ago. My husband has finally repented and opened the door to radical honesty. He has told me of instances of romantic kissing that went nowhere sexually. Somewhere on one of these boards I thought I read that the affair starts with any romantic touch or kiss. Did I read that right? He says he only had a one night affair because that was the only night he had sex. the "relationship" lasted much longer then that and there was kissing involved. thanks

For me, which is all relative, there are different degrees of betrayal/infidelity. Obviously the farther it goes, the worse. You'll have to decide for yourslef as there is no one definition fits all. There is one guide that most go by, which of course is the Bible, which is of course open to interpretation. For me, and my experience, I thought sexual infidelity was unforgivable. But, I never stopped to think about the kids. I always warned it would never be tolerated. I'm still here after 2 years and counting. It also helps that my spouse is feeling regret, remorse and guilt. But there has always been different degrees of guilt.

The fact that your husband is being "radically honest," is very, very good. He has a conscience and takes responsibility. ALOT DON'T! This helps healing and trust.

Some would consider adultery as betrayal which could happen at many levels. For me, it was the sexual barrier. I could have accepted and understood that love will fade and there would be temptation. However taking off your clothes is a very conscious descision. Sex is adultery for me and consistent with the way I understand the Bible, which is my guide.

I think when people say the affair starts with a kiss, that would mean the starting point of what becomes a full blown affair. Do not listen to anyone whether or not they think he had an affair. You'll have to decide for yourself. Don't be tricked by denial or wishful thinking, for ex; he didn't love her, so therfore he did not give her his heart, therefore he did not cheat on a soulful level, just sexual. If it was done in secret, some people (Dr. Phil) would say that's cheating. Anything you would not do in front of your spouse would be cheating.

If it was long ago, mostly let it go. Stay vigilant and alert. Monitor activity with spyware on the computer (spector.com), demand transperancy, demand no contact, see cell phone bills, watch out for PO boxes to which the bill will be sent, watch out for other cell phones. Examine withdrawals and credit card statments for the costs of hotels.

My husband only had sex one time, too. The affair was 6 months long.

His relationship was adultury- it was an affair as soon as she stateted meeting the needs he should have been allowing you to meet.

Have you read Surviving an Affair?

Has he?

Here's my opinion:

Adultery is when something that doesn't belong is introduced into the relationship. A something that sucks life and energy from the romantic married relationship to nourish the alien being.

If a spouse daydreams about another person, spends hours on the phone or internet with them, shops for thoughtful gifts to give them, shares personal details and confides things about their marriage and their spouse, it's an affair.

From where I sit, the affair lasted as long as the relationship lasted. From the time the married person starts becoming excited about the OP, having fantasies, (even if they aren't sexual in nature but just daydreams about how the OP would react to them as they do brave or brilliant things) and starts contacting the OP and having private time that they don't share with the spouse, they are in an affair.

And the affair lasts until there is no contact whatsoever.

And following Harley, until every question the betrayed spouse asks the wayward spouse is answered to the satisfaction of the betrayed, that's when the affair starts to fade away.

Just my opinion.

I have read Surviving an affair. He has not. he has just recently taken responsibility and stopped blaming me. He told me of other instances where he was attracted, or drunk, and kissed a woman very romanticaly (?). He has told me of a time where he got a prostitute, (over ten years ago). I think that he is seeing how he has hurt me deeply. I knew about the EA at the time and begged him to stop which he didn't. He has a tendency to do things that I think might be not appropriate, like kissing women on the lips while hugging very close. Anyway, your answers have helped me a lot. I am grateful to God that we are finally turning a corner in this. Thanks to all of you and this website. We are going to counseling. My pain is still very deep. and I cry a lot, but not in front of him. thanks again.

Adultery is defined easily by the cuckolds, never the participants.

Adultery occurs when one of the marriage partners choses to have ANY emotional need filled by someone other than their spouse when those EN's are reserved to be filled ONLY by the spouse. Whether the adultery involves physical touching, sexual intimacy or just emotional fulfillment, the betrayal to the spouse is the same.

The following thread explains how adultery usually consist out of the following 15 steps that eventually lead up to sexual betrayal (just click on the link):

15 Steps Of Unfaithfulness

Thank you so much for the info. This morning, in the spirit of honesty, my h told me that a year ago he was on a business trip and called an old girl friend and asked her to dinner. The dinner never happened, but he thought nothing about doing this, except that he didn't want to tell me.They ended up talking on the phone for about an hour, catching up. Right now I am feeling discouraged again and wondering if this is worth it. Do men do this? look up old friends and ask them to dinner. He says it wasn't a date. Am I wrong to be upset about this?

This man does not. If it's okay, then why didn't he tell you when it happened? How'd he like it? Sure they look up old friends, especially male. But to convince you that this old girl friend is just a friend, pleeeaasee!! Why couldn't they remain friends before? Because they had chemistry.

dveloperz: thanks, I think I don't want to face his real attitude towards marriage. thanks again.