#3137682 - 11/22/06 06:32 PM
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Today has been the fourth month of this drama. I have been married for 28 years and it seems now he is tired of me(or may have been for a long time, he doesnt' know). Well that a little help from women that he thinks may be somewhat better.

I am tired of losing weight I am five nine and now skinny. Tired of feeling worthless, tired, and dwelling on my issues. Why does it happen when you get the "not in love" speech do people feel its them? My stomach fell to the floor and been through days of crying and then withdraw. We still live together and of course he likes sex. His lies are just like raindrops. So I don't ask anything or believe anything he says.

So it's me time. I got "His needs her needs", and LB. Joined a christain support group. Based on the 12 steps the women have been through what I am now going through. Went to a C and also just got some mild anti-depressents. Looking for work which is awful since I can't usually 'remember' where my keys are anymore.

Don't know where to start and I do NOT want to talk about the big R. I refuse too. Only in front of a C, will I even start to discuss this R. I cannot deal with the denial and his justification that every year in this marriage has been ******. The big A maybe but, most definatly a EA. So is this not the way to handle it? I don't do ILY, sulk, pretend happy. I am being me.

I listen and listen but, do not suggest or even input any ideas for him. Seems to me an alien walked in his body and overtook his mind. Have read a lot on these boards and it looks like most of you are going or have gone through this. So anymore suggestions I would like to hear.

Thanksgiving with family. Seems like I avoidedt he R talk last night. At least some of it. Still its fine that he receives calls and texts all the time. I am just jealous he says. Not that he has done anything around the house for us or that he has even stayed home one day in months. Seems to be me that is wrong. I guess I dreamed the last 28 years.
Tho its fine he is gonna do honey do things for other person because she may be there. Yes, even make plans and not take care of business when there seems to be a chance of him seeing her. What an oppertunity but again I am just being unreasonable and jealous if I point that out. Actually he called to wish them Happy Thanksgiving which he has NEVER done that to anyone since I have known him. Wow, I guess I dreamed that one up too. Have I said this to him no. Just so tired of the one way R I seem to have with H. Maybe he SHOULD just leave and not come back. No MC NO C, or talk to anyone since he says he doestn' 'need' people and yet he needs this lady since she is the one that gets him close to her. Why can't he see his business is going to ****** his family is also and he just dots on these idiots. Getting sick of this thrown in my face to my family's expense.

Sorry venting a bit.........

Hi, MF...

I've been away for a week...my mother died last Sunday. And my brain has stopped working.

I saw your post on EO's thread...

"Today has been the fourth month of this drama. I have been married for 28 years and it seems now he is tired of me"

What do you mean, it seems? Make your life your own..."I believe" or "I perceive"...no its about it. First step in getting what is really happening separate from what you're perceiving happening.

I was stunned to realize how much I wasn't in reality.

"(or may have been for a long time, he doesnt' know). Well that a little help from women that he thinks may be somewhat better. "

Are you saying that four months ago, your H began sharing his feelings of unhappiness? That he feels...what? Believes...what?

"I am tired of losing weight I am five nine and now skinny. Tired of feeling worthless, tired, and dwelling on my issues."

May I risk saying...congratulations? When you get to where you are truly tired of feeling something, you are really getting the information the emotion as been attempting to deliver to you...from you, about you, for your benefit. And point, that edge, is where you make a boundary.

It's like the first sentence of the rest of your life..."I feel worthless, tired and powerless. That's ownership. Congratulations on owning what you feel, finding them valid...yours.

"Why does it happen when you get the "not in love" speech do people feel its them?"

It is called enmeshment...and it is what we do in marriage..."Getting The Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix, really explains all the ways humans do this and why. And how becoming aware is the first step towards breaking enmeshment.

"My stomach fell to the floor and been through days of crying and then withdraw. We still live together and of course he likes sex. His lies are just like raindrops. So I don't ask anything or believe anything he says."

Have you found out if your H is having an affair? Not through him...through investigation, checking, snooping, being vigilant to not blindly trust?

"So it's me time. I got "His needs her needs", and LB. Joined a christain support group. Based on the 12 steps the women have been through what I am now going through. Went to a C and also just got some mild anti-depressents. Looking for work which is awful since I can't usually 'remember' where my keys are anymore."

You're experiencing intense stress, MF...and acting, anyway. Give yourself warm kudos and praise for taking self-care actions, and lose the punishing statements which disparage who you really are...stress shifts survival to highest priority...finding your keys doesn't say one thing about your competency and capability for finding a job. Get this set in your head. Both hands dug into reality...and accept you're in crisis and living, anyway.

"Don't know where to start and I do NOT want to talk about the big R. I refuse too."

Become acquainted with the word "choice" and insert it often in your thoughts, your words..."I choose not to talk about the big R. I choose not to."

That's putting both hands into reality...without judgment. Knowing your power, your choice first, rather than judging it right or wrong, will aid you in becoming centered in what is...reinforces you have choices and are the one choosing.

"Only in front of a C, will I even start to discuss this R. I cannot deal with the denial and his justification that every year in this marriage has been ******."

I'll keep inserting choice..."I choose not to deal with the denial"...the denial remains. You have no control over his stuff...his thoughts, beliefs, feelings, perceptions or perspectives. That's his stuff...and yours, is yours. Would you consider, "I do not choose to believe our marriage was the way he now views it." Insert truth with time...right now, he's doing/saying this stuff. Right now. Another handhold on reality.

"The big A maybe but, most definatly a EA. So is this not the way to handle it? I don't do ILY, sulk, pretend happy. I am being me."

Having you found out the extent of his A through independent means?

Be sure to read the posts here (as I imagine you have), because the not in love speech, and rewriting history are normal, everyday A fodder...and not The Truth, just his truth...good to know, horrible for you to choose to believe within yourself.

Plan A is a reality bringer...which is why I'm emphasizing getting yourself and maintaining your seat in reality...benefits you and your marriage.

And yes, you hurt...terribly, awfully, utterly. You know what I've thought about this week? Death is an abandonment..against will. A's aren't. Which is why BS's take another person's actions as against them, about them...an act of will against the marriage...not you. His crap. Not yours. Learn to break that enmeshment and know you have never had control, cause or cure for him...nor he, you. Your choice to perceive truth in any of those, was your choice, not reality.

"I listen and listen but, do not suggest or even input any ideas for him."

Why are you choosing to negate, betray yourself further? Openness and Honesty (O&H) is a primal need...the mandate of humans is to know and be known....when you go against this, you double or triple your own pain...and you have control over what you do to yourself...you ARE the cause, control and cure for your own stuff...just not anyone else.

Ahhh...I reread what you wrote and got the "for him." I believe that's a healthy choice...as would be stating, "I know you're choosing each action you take, WH. I know you are in control of yourself."

"Seems to me an alien walked in his body and overtook his mind. Have read a lot on these boards and it looks like most of you are going or have gone through this. So anymore suggestions I would like to hear."

Seeing my choice, getting ahold of reality, owning my own stuff, learning from my emotions...taking them as information and tracing them to my own beliefs, helped tremendously. Put a hopper on my head so I wouldn't take in his stuff directly into my own stuff...changing me...I chose to act, not react. I made my goal to save my marriage...found my own redemption within it...made it my self journey...and faced my own old beliefs which I reacted to, which were ruining my marriage.

You can do this, MF...speak truth. "When a spouse puts another person ahead of their marriage, it's an affair. You are committing adultery." Each text, call, action...call it for what it is...calmly, informing, and speak of your feelings. "I feel wiped away, like I don't exist. More turkey?"

Stop, stop, stop choosing to take his words to define you...that's self-abusive. Stop. "but again I am just being unreasonable and jealous." OUCH!!! Rather, "I hear you perceive my pain over your adultery as a result of jealousy or unreasonableness?" Clarify...listen and repeat. Hand back what he says with a reality injection.

You have to get into reality, though, before you can do that.

I hear you are steeped in resentment, anger, fear and pain. Get to know why you create so much resentment...it's a distraction from stuff you haven't dealt with your whole life, not just the last 28 years. Know your power...to know yourself...and then share yourself.

My H's A changed my life...because of what I kept focused on, strived to finally learn, have clarity and understand. You have so many choices...begin to know them. Become aware...and please stop what I've written about here because your own self-punishment is lashing...many, many ouches in your vent...lashes you are giving yourself.

God created you...whole, complete, marvelously made...as is...when you focus on his other creation, your WH, you tear and attack yourself...rip apart your own completeness and feel destroyed...believing he's doing that to you, when you're doing it to yourself.

In your corner,

LA

Edited to add: Please move your posts to the Infidelity General Questions II forum...where you will get a lot of responses, seems like where you've read the most...because you're worth it. You matter. And you are not alone.

--------------------
me FWW - 44
FWH - 45
3 S; 22, 20, 16
FWH - EA/PA 8 weeks
FWH moved back in 10/24/04 &
Committed to M 12/15/04
In Recovery and so grateful for our M

Edited by LovingAnyway (11/26/06 03:43 PM)

"I've been away for a week...my mother died last Sunday. And my brain has stopped working."

I am sorry LA. That is really hard and she will be in my prayers...

"Are you saying that four months ago, your H began sharing his feelings of unhappiness? That he feels...what? Believes...what?"
He sat me down and told me that he is helping a someone and I would make her miserable and that means we should divorce..which is the first I heard of this OW.

"It's like the first sentence of the rest of your life..."I feel worthless, tired and powerless. That's ownership. Congratulations on owning what you feel, finding them valid...yours."

They are mine deeply and profoundly and I am tired of feeling like someone is holding the strings and I am some puppet. I am not. I want control over my thoughts emotions and dig through my pain to find the real me. What he has done is not in my control nor, do I want ownership of what he feels or thinks.

Have you found out if your H is having an affair? Not through him...through investigation, checking, snooping, being vigilant to not blindly trust?

He still denies it but stealth program on the pc has revealed love letters poems, constant calling on cell phone 46 hours the first month and constant texts with this man that has never sent a text till four months ago. He says its not an A he has not had sex. Up late talking on the net. Yet, he see's her at work. Plus all the contact.


"accept you're in crisis and living, anyway."

Truer words have yet to be spoken. I joined a support group with women that have had shared experiences such as this. My C is helping also driving me to see its not me it is him and I am the fallout only if I let it be so.

"Having you found out the extent of his A through independent means?"
Actually yes through her mother. She called a few months ago concerned with all the texts. So far it is deeply emotional affair but, withdrawing from our family. Never staying home making sure she is happy and can come over and work with him anytime. He is also ruining his business by neglect. Totally protective of her and any questions I have asked are answered with total dishonesty from him. He was never a liar like this before. Verbaly abusive to me and has extreme depression as well as weight loss also from all the stress.

LA your right I do say it is an A. It is when a man after this many years puts the needs and desires of another Female in front of his family. I have stated this he is in total denial he has done this. Yet, the letters and phone calls are testament to the fact he cannot stop. He reasons if he is having an A that I would not know it would be hid. The fact I found out through a stealth program and he didn't know all calls and text could be found online was a surprise to him.

Boundries is what I am learning. I am not going to argue and not getting into a match of 'he said, she said' that brings me nowhere. His reality is that its fine to treat me and my family like this. My reality its that it is not. It is selfish.

LA I am using his words as sarcasm. He is so mentally abusive and I am not anything he says. What I am seeing is someone I don't know anymore. Never saw how cruel the person we love and have been living with all these years can be.

Your right about the resentment. I am doing this support group to help find out the reason and source of this anger and resentment. Don't know if I can do the steps in a Plan A since I don't know how fully to form a plan A. Without the help of a MC as my C has suggested there is not R talk. I will not listen to his dialogue of speeches to me telling me how I should feel and what I should do. He has no clue about me and my feelings. I don't say that I walk away now, not giving him any validation that what he says is truth for me. It is only his. Our old 'stuff' comes out and he talking turns to argueing and I refuse to get into that place with him. It solves nothing.

I have kept up my job search and seeing my C as well as joined a support group. I want my full independance from him as well as new freinds and full life. I do not want to be unhappy and devestated by his stuff. His denial and dishonesty was heartbreaking to me.

LA I don't know how to move this thread!

Thanks for your answer I do need so much help. Again I am sorry for you lose.


Just moved these posts to this forum........

Who is this OW??

Is she married???

Does her husband know???

I see they work together, in what roles?? Do their bosses know???

You don't need to convince him that what he is doing is wrong....you know it and so does he. He is just addicted to it and any questioning or discussion about it (which MAY interfere with his addiction) is met with manipulation. You can't conflict avoid this problem and wait for it to just go away. Part of being a good spouse and living up to your vows IS loving your husband in sickness and in health and right now...he is in spiritual sickness.

It may get worse if you confront but the status quo, I am certain, is unacceptable as well. Doing nothing will not win the day. This is war and you are the only sane person remaining in your marriage that can save it (I know it's difficult to see yourself as completely sane right now but you are the closest one to reality in your relationship right now).

No matter what happens by following the MB plans you will save something....your marriage OR yourself. You can't control him but you sure as heck can control yourself. You will make it.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - try this...when he denies the affair and tries to call it something else...you simply state "You can call it whatever you want, call it a bologna sandwich for all I care, it is what it is and it's unacceptable to me that you have any kind of intimate relationship with another woman and I refuse to remain much longer in a loveless & hurtful marriage with you. I know we can fix this, I have a plan for fixing our marriage and making it better than it ever was previously, however, we can not even begin such plan until Ms. Interloper is completely out of the picture. Eventually, either she goes or you go"

Post deleted by moonflower40

Sounds more like a mid-life crisis type of thing to me. Your husband has no idea how ridiculous he looks.

The mom doesn't care right now, but if she sees she can sue for some money, she might. I would invite your husband to go with you to an attorney to understand the things that could happen.