Post deleted by faithful26

Had you established NC?

Has he BROKEN NC?

Is he willing to be transparent with that cell bill?

Are there kids involved? If not, that's it. First time, shame on you, second time....... If he's holding on to her "just in case," what kind of vows were taken? He does not get it, after what he did, he probably will never. I sincerely hope there are no kids involved so that you can get someone who is willing to only love you.

Hi f26

Boyohboy

What your H has done is cake eating to an olympic standard IMO.

Keeping OW's number in case you don't work out is not only a demnstration of a weak commitment to your marriage, but also a demonstration of utter self-absorption.

What has worked for ME when Squid transgressed a personal bundary of mine is to reverse the circumstance in an example.

In your case, that would be YOU saying " if I had a boyfriend's number on my cell just in case our marriage recovery got a bit tough going , would that make you feel insecure ?".

What complicates your situation is that : cake eating or not he HAS come clean about his actions and intentions, so you can't accuse him of opacity. I would also sspect some contact with OW. After all he could have kept her number on a bus ticket in his wallet, or even REMEMBERED it ( I remember OMs number even now), so that number's on his cell for a reason other than insurance IMO.

So I would advise DO NOT PANIC. I reckon a session with Steve Harley JUST on this topic would be a great investment.

Hi BP,

Yes you get it. As far as remembering her number he doesn't remember numbers at all. I think he stored it there orginally so he could have it and I wouldn't find it in his contact list. In his defence you are right he never had to show me that number in his notepad, I would of never thought to have looked there. So at first I was "thank you for being honest and then I got thinking about time lines.

I do not think/feel that he is still seeing her,, it would be difficult with the way his job is now, but yet I know nothing is impossible. His behavor in other ways shows he is very sincere. I am so conflicted, I don't know whats real including my feelings for this man I have been with for almost 30 years. He is even wanting us to move,, we have always dreamed about moving out west for years and years but we never did for one reason or another. Now he says we need to, he says it's the only way that I will be able to put this behind us and truly not worry about things,,, I don't know what to do anymore,, it's been along battle and I am weary.

Thats what I feel bad for you for F26. I sighed inside when I read this update.

" Haven't I earned some PEACE FFS !!!!" you must have thought.

I would tell your H that he is UNIQUELY unqualified to advise "the only way for you to put this behind you" and should concentrate on creating new reasons for you to lift one more finger in support of a R with him.

I apply your update to my own sit to see what I'd do. I don't think it would be a dealbreaker, but it would be a catalyst for me to become a whole new level of demanding regarding recovery actions.

What are your thoughts right now ?

F26,

I’m sorry this happened. I know that it’s very difficult to deal with emotionally.

I know from the conversations that we have both been party to on recovery threads that you are a very powerful woman. Do not lose that frame of mind that has been so essential to your well being in your recovery thus far.

I agree with BP in his assessment that this is a tough situation because of your H’s honesty about the number but the fact that it was in there at all hurts badly.

F26 there are things in my own situation that I came to discover that resulted in dead wrong assumptions on my part. I guess it’s because as a FBS you really start to live the concept that “there are no coincidences”.

What’s your gut tell you is going on here?

At this point I would be leaning toward more trust unless you can legitimize further cause for alarm. Trust and verify here. Establish your boundaries with crystal clarity.

From my own experiences I don’t believe that an active WS would have the fortitude to come forth with the information. He could have just taken his phone down to the phone company without your knowledge and had the problem corrected, or put it under his rear tire and backed over it if he was concerned enough.

We all know how all important this communications device is to people. To the FWS this thing is the idol of entitlement, he wouldn’t risk the umbilical chord coming clean like he did. That’s my best speculation.

Have you said anything like: “FWS, you know I am a resourceful woman. I am going to ask you once to tell me the truth to this very important question… Have you had ANY contact with FOW since (insert last contact you know about here)?”

I’m not a cell phone expert, but I could imagine that it’s entirely possible that your H’s notepad information could have been transferred to his new cell phone when it was updated with his old cell phone data.

When discovering the answer to any problem rule out what you know can not be true and whatever is left has to be viable.

Call the cell phone company and ask them if they think this could have occurred like he stated it did.

Freaky things that raise the hair on the back of a FBS can illicit irrational and destructive behavior from the FBS. I still live that on rare occasion, so I know exactly where your feelings are at right now.

Do not let this undue the work that you two have come to realize. It could actually be coincidence. I just have a feeling about this that it could have been a complete mishap. He has not given you any other cause for concern what-so-ever right?

Of course, always wishing you and your H a happy future,

Thanks guys,,

after writing all of this out and then posting it and reading all of your replys and support it help me realize a couple of things,, 1) I had stared losing some of the ground that I had gained when H and I where seperated. Personal growth stuff I mean, I had totally lost myself in the role of mother, wife etc durning the marriage and I had started to find myself. Well I realised that I had started to fall back into old habits,, you know becoming the self made marter, putting me and my needs, wants way last. I had been plan Aing my butt off. Don't misunderstand me it is important to try to meet all of your mates ens and trying not to lb. But I had been putting all my energy into that and this marriage that I had no time for me. So I going to put ME back on the top ten list. There are things I need to work on for me and thats what I am going to work on.

Plank and BP thank you so much for your words, and you both asked what I felt and thought about this,, well I can't think of any reason hubby would be so open about the number if he was hiding something. Like you said he could of easily had the phone taken care of at the phone co.and I would have never been the wiser.

Anywho I had a long talk with the hubby last night and I laid all my feelings out there and I do believe he is sincere. I just wish I could stop looking for snakes under rocks, and he must be getting tired of living under a microscope. (although he says he understands and is very transparent about everything). And moving might be just what the Doctor ordered. Our last child that still lives at home has gotten a great promotion and can actaually afford to live on her own now... I will miss my grands something fierce through... Thanks again guys!!!!!
Today is a better day.

f26

Finding your H has the number of OW "in cae it doesn't work out with you" is not a phantom of your suspcious mind ! It is a very real viper under a very real rock !

Blind trust is unhealthy, "falling back " into that lazy way of being is not a working solution, according to Dr. Harley in SAA.

It seems tome that in your situation PORH worked WELL under dures, which is great ! The thing I believe you need to work on now together is your H's aberrant throught process of keeping OM on the boil in case he blows it with you.

Commitment, not only "give it a go" is required from both spouses for a recovery to work IMO. Keeping OW as a backstop is NOT commitment.

I reckon a call to Steve Harley would work well here. Just one or two calls on this specific topic.

all blessings

Bob pure you are absolutly right, blind trust is unheathly, and unfortantly is a luxury my H will never have again. I will forever have my radar on. It is just the nature of the beast. And yes this is a very real viper but he brought me the rock and turned it over and showed me the snake. He did not have to do that. His story is he did it on his old phone and thought it was gone, he did not mean for it to be on his upgraded phone. IMVHO he took a risk by exposing that to me, knowing how I feel about contact with the OW.
He didn't have to do that, nor did he have to tell me why he put the number on his phone in the first place.So that in itself is where the rub is, yes it was a screwed up thing to do, but, I have to weigh the fact that he exposed this himself. Do you know what I mean??? We want to let the FWS to be able to let down their guards too and talk to us openly and honestly about what they are going through too and while it may hurt to hear some of the things they say I feel that I have to be that safe place for him to land when he needs to. If I hit him with a 2x4 for something he did when he reveles it to me on his own then how can I expect him to continue to do it in the future?? I look at it like an onion, both he and I have to peel down the layers of this onion to get to where we need to be, to fix the issues that lead to the seperation and affair in the first place. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />