My dh and I have been married almost 15 years, 2 children. About 5 years into our marriage, I had an affair that lasted about 2 months. At the time, I did not feel that my dh was meeting my needs - always too busy for me, worked all the time and never did special things for me anymore. Basically, I felt unappreciated. It was hard for me to be intimate with him. We separated and my dh still hung in there and tried to work things out. He even filed for divorce because he suspected I was with someone else although I denied it. After a month or so passed, I ended the affair. I realized what mistake I made and felt the only way I might have another chance with dh is to be upfront and honest with him. I admitted the affair. We decided to work on our marriage. We discussed the separation and affair some but looking back, not as much as we should of. We kind of just went on with our lives, both trying to forget. Years went by and the subject was never really brought up. dh tried so hard to meet my needs and corrected everything that might have been lacking in our marriage before the separation. But for some reason, the difficulties with intimacy continued with me - it would come and go for me. He began to shut down. I didn't understand at the time - how stupid that I could not figure out what was going on. He tried for so long and he lost hope that I would ever be able to love him in the ways he needed, and deserved. One day he confronted me about it and said he was done and that was it. This was the turning point for me. I took a step back and looked at my life and what I had become. I realized I needed to confront my issues not only for my dh but for me and my children. I began therapy immediately and continued to go regularly and still do. I began to realize that many of my issues are childhood related. As I dug deeper into therapy, things became much more clear. I understood so much more and felt the strength to fight for my marriage. The love has always been there, I just had trouble showing it.I didn't like who I was so how was I able to give to dh? My dh said he still wanted to try but just didn't know if he had the capability to change how he felt. He said he loved me but the in love feelings were gone. But we both decided to stay in the house and work on it. He went to therapy for a short time but quit soon thereafter. I am not so sure the particular counselor was what he needed - he has many of his own issues separate from me that he never dealt with that have affected our marriage. He did occassionally come to couples therapy with me. So for the last 2 years I have done nothing but show him that I love him and give to him. I have resolved the intimacy issues and I feel complete, happy and whole as a person. I was diagnosed with depression and have been on medication as well as continued regular therapy.I have stayed consistent with dh and tried to be patient as he worked through his own emotions. We discussed the affair, I have gone through another period of remorse from 10 years ago when it happened and have taken responsibility for my actions. dh knows I chose the affair and it was not his fault. dh said I am a completely changed person now and that I am able to meet all of his needs he just won't let me or give back. He has said I am everything he needs but he doesn't know if he could ever get those feelings back for me.There is too much resentment. He says he respects what I have done for the marriage but he does not know if its too late. Things appeared to be going well. We spent alot of time together, we talked in depth alot, rarely argued and there was full intimacy on both sides. Then because of his job, he had to go away for several months. We made a commitment to do whatever we could to stay connected. He did not hold up his end. He distanced himself from me and quit trying. The love notes and flowers stopped, he barely communicated with me and basically began saying the same things as he did 2 years ago when we first came to grips with this and what we were going to do to try to work it out.I asked him constantly what was wrong and what I could do. I denied there was a problem and said everything was okay and to not worry, he was just still having a hard time sometimes. He is back home now. He continously brings up the affair and how much I hurt him. He says there are no feelings left for me in that way although he'll always love me. He says we both tried and sometimes it just doesn't work. I tried talking with him. He listened but was determined his feelings would not change and he would never be able to stop thinking about the affair although he knows it will never happen again and says he trusts me and the changes I have made. He says while he was away he realized that its easier and safer to stay alone so that he won't get hurt. He said he is content being alone. He kept saying he was going to leave but never would. He says he feels guilty that he can't overcome this and that he wants it to work but he just can't feel the same about me. He said he always beleived that we were meant to be and I am the only one he has ever loved. He is physically and emotionally distraught - cannot eat, sleeps all the time, smokes excessively and has no interest in having sex with me. That is the hardest part because that is what helped us stay connected through the hard times. He agreed to go to the couple's counseling one last time. He completely broke down. The MC gave us alittle hope because neither one has left yet, filed for divorce and still say we both want it to work. The MC feels dh doesn't beleive he can move on from the past and that he is expecting too much of himself. dh just keeps saying that he thinks its over and he can't do it anymore. I have been giving him all he needs for 2 years but he says its too late. He said after the last mc meeting that he wants to go back to the mc. dh feels that the friendship part of our relationship has always been strong so the mc suggested we live in the house and act and behave as friends.dh says if he leave he is afraid he will never come back and get too comfortable. mc feels dh has alot in his past he needs to work on outside of our marriage but I don't know if he's willing to do that or think our marriage is worth it. I am struggling alot with this but trying to do what I can. I want to show him how much I love him and want this to work yet I am afraid if I tell him too much he will feel pressured and leave. He talks of moving on yet he kisses me everyday. He says his feelings for me are dead yet he has started to do some of the old things he used to do for me when things were better. This is killing me and I don't know what to do. I feel in many ways he is staying out of guilt. He has made many comments that he knows its his fault that he can't overcome it, he's worried about me getting through a divorce and doesn't know what he will do if he's alone. Yet he says he wishes he could change how he felt but that he just accepts its over.I have considered there's a possibility he met someone else or at least got involved short term with someone when he was away working. I have confronted him about it and he denies it and gets mad. In many ways I don't think he has someone else but I am in denial and don't see it. I have tried for the past two years and nothing's working. I can't change the past. I wish I could. I just don't know what to do but I am losing hope. Opinions and advice, please. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
