I don't believe that my husband is having an ongoing affair. But what I do think is that he is occasionally using an escort service. My husband has routine that has not changed and he does not travel. I travel once a year and he needs to stay over at a hotel (about 3 or 4 times a year) near his office to prepare for events that can start very early in the morning. These are the times I think that he finds an escort. While I don't have any "hard evidence", what I do know is that about two years ago I found an e-mail on his Blackberry from an "escort". I called him on it and he said that he was just goofing around and, in a nutshell, never went through with it. I have not trusted him since. Then recently, I looked on his Blackberry and I saw that he went to an "escort" website in September. I checked our bank account and he took out a significant amount of money from our savings account in three different transactions over a three day period, so I know in my gut that he is still doing it. He uses his work computer, so there is obviously no evidence at home for me to confirm this.

I will say that he's changed over the last few years. We used to have so much fun, tons of sex and always had something to talk about. Now, two kids and a few stressful jobs later, he doesn't really talk anymore. He can be stubborn and gets angry much more easily. While we don't fight all that often, when we do, it's over trivial things. He doesn't say "I love you" anymore, show me general affection, or even tell me that I look nice. After 10 years of marriage and two kids, I know I still look good. I have been flirted with many times, and even recently. We don't really have sex too often either. I think that because he doesn't show me affection or act interested in our relationship at all, I just don't initiate it. When he initiates it, it's when I'm tired after a long day of work and dealing with our kids. Basically, it's no fun anymore. I do love him, but I get almost nauseas thinking about these escorts and the thought of being intimate with him is not in the forefront of my mind. Also, my behavior towards him has definitely changed. I keep thinking about the e-mails I saw regarding the escorts and I make myself sick. I don't seem like the same happy-go-lucky person I was. I just seem like a big lump. He wants to know what's wrong, but I feel that without hard evidence, he will deny everything and then tell me that our problems are my fault. Maybe in part they are, but I think he needs to take a long, hard look at himself. It take two I think.

Does anyone have any advice on how to proceed?

Um, hiring an escort counts as an affair. You need to confront him with your information. If he continues to deny, I might expose him to his family, friends, and work (especially if they foot the bill for his hotel). Do NOT allow this continue. The next time he needs to go to his hotel, offer to come with him. If he refuses, hire a PI to determine if your fears are true. Consult an attorney and protect yourself. You need some MC as well. That's my 2 cents, and I'll let the pros post on here. You cannot allow this to continue. You need to stand up for yourself and demand better. Take a look back at the marriage and figure out where it went astray and what needs to be done to correct it. Make sure you get yourself and him tested for STDs. You need to take a hard stance on this.

- Jim

go to spector.com and buy it and download it on his work computer. Deal with the possible consequences later. You'll get your facts then. Have it email you with "keyword alerts" you've entered. I'm sure his employer wouldn't be to thrilled if he's using his work computer for sex, don't worry about him getting mad about, he's in a catch 22. if his work finds it during maintenence, which is very unlikely, deny it. Who gives a damn about his job anyway. If you get caught, just say, "Silly me, I thought maybe he was doing something wrong." I doubt he'd get fired over it.

Go read Surviving an Affair. Take the EN questionnaire. Ask him t/d it with you and if he balks, you go take it as him.

Call Steve H for a personal recovery plan 4 u 1st.

His need for escorts is just the beginning. Don't let it bear rotten fruit. It stinks!

L.

Have been tested for STD's? I am more worried about that aspect than anything else right now. "Escorts" ie high paid hookers are high risk for your health.