well ive posted here for the last 4 months and was generally very confused about alot of things that were going on with my marriage. we've been together 4years and married for 2 now.

things all went wacky 4 months ago when out of the blue she came out with the "i dont know if i love you anymore" and all sorts of other obvious things that led me here. so after all the squabble and bickering and her pointing the finger at me and saying all sorts of terrible things i finally found out where it all came from.

a few nights ago we were sleeping and in the middle of the night started making out........both kind of half asleep. then i heard the most awful words. she said the other guys nmae followed by "i love you". i wasnt even sure which was worse......finding out my suspicions were true about a physical affair or the fact she said i love you after it.

so we talked and i basically got a full confession out of her and that all those times i thought something was going on........it was. so now we are in a different town at her parents place and i don't know what to do now.

i have been reading alot of stuff on here so i have a general idea of what to do. right now the only people that know about this whole thing is me and her, the other guy, and her best friend and her best friends husband. it doesnt help that the OM is her friends husbands brother......who lives in her friends basement. it sure made everything cozy when she kept going to her frinds place and see him. it kept everything in the dark and out of sight pretty easy.

she doesnt want to tell her parents what has happened and i think she should. or is this when i just get it out to her family and mine and the OM family as i know them. does that put pressure on it to end it? she doesnt know if she wants to be with me, him, or on her own. so she says. i think she doesnt want to be with me because of how much guilt is involved. its probably easier to walk away and not deal with what she did.

right now i still feel like it's under the rock because she doesnt want to let her parents in on this. she's upset that i want to talk to my parents about it. i guess thats all normal because she doesnt want to be the person that would do something like this.

ive left her at her parents for a couple of days to get some work done and visit my father. maybe give her some time to think on things. not sure if thats such a good idea but her parents place is a little small and i feel like i'm just in the way a little right now and its hard to give her a little space.

as for me i will obviously have trust issues as we move forward......IF we move forward. i want to or i wouldnt be here. it hurts to be away from her and im not sure what my next move should be.

thanks in advance for any advice

devastated

These friends of hers are no friends of your marriage. Eventually, that will have to end. You must dictate the flow of the relationship from now on: NO CONTACT (NC), show phone bills, other cell phones? po boxes for new bills? put spywrae on the computer (spector.com). Put GPS in the car, go to wherify.com, cheapest way. If it sounds like I'm preparing you for war, I AM!!! Do not leave the marriage until you are sure you've sacrificed yourself to the point that you can leave with no regrets, having been beaten and rejected. You can then leave and never look back, tell her that. I know it feels like death is upon you, but ALL here have survived, one is writing to you now and have been married for longer, more children involved, more scandalous affair, WAY WORSE!! Everything she's saying is typical, don't let it get to you. I know you're wondering why do you have to be so patient and understanding right now, because you're the only one that is not in fantasyland. Be the hero. You'll need everyone here, great advise here!! Write me if you need me. Find a friend who is pro-marriage. Read, read, read: Surviving An Affair, "Not Just Friends," by Shirley Glass. This will help a lot!! Write if you need to.

Well, sorry that happened to you. I suspected that there was another man around.

If she is not willing to have no contact with the OM, time to expose her affair.

Devasted...I know how you feel. My story is somewhat different and I am well into recovery but the one thing that still haunts me to this day is an experience similar to yours. While my FWW was involved in her A, our sex life obviously suffered. Sometimes, we would make love essentially when she was asleep. Once during what might have been the best sex we ever had (she was presumably asleep) she said Brad (OM's name). At that time I didn't even consider an affair going on. The next morning I asked her who was Brad. Her reply with a straight face and looking me right in the eye was probably just dreaming about Brad Pitt or someone, she didn't know.

To this date, I can remember that morning as clear as it was yesterday. I didn't find out about the A for about ten years after that and now we have enjoyed a very successful recovery but that moment lingers for me. One of the few real triggers for me anymore. Although it bothers me for multiple obvious reasons now, I am not sure what bothers me the most...the fact that she was really making love to him or that she could so cold heartedly look me in the eyes and flat out lie about it.

Point is that if you choose to pursue a recovery, there will forever be some things that you just can't get completely past. Even with those thingsyou can have a recovered marriage that is even more fulfilling for both of you than you imagined prior to the A but some rules must be followed. Most importantly is her committment to radical honesty and absolutely no contact with OM. That might mean both of you dumping some mutual friends as well.

As for the question regarding exposure to her parents and others, I am not a good resource for that because the A in my case had been over for more than a decade when I found out. Exposure is primarily to protect you and her and give her the tools i.e. external pressures to end the affair. It should not be used as a punishment. However, in my case I will tell you that if anyone else knew other than our counseler (and OM's W) it would be much easier for me to have some family support system in the down times. This is certainly something to take into consideration in this decision.

The road to recovery is rocky and filled with curves at unexpected times, however, if you chose to go that route and your WW does her part to rebuild the marriage, you can have a phenomenal marriage post-A.

NT

thank you all for your responses. i called her yesterday to see what she thought about me coming coming home but she wasnt into that. so i have basically just returned to my hometown to get a few days work in and let her be on her own to think about things. its a long drive so i had a lot of time to think about things.

i really think she needs to admit to herself what she has done and to quit trying to blame me for it. the way she talks to me right now is like SHE is pissed off and that SHE has a right to be angry. i look at that and to me it says she is not taking responsibility for her actions owning up to what has been going on.

she still talks about things a said to her in the past that hurt her. ive told her then and now that i am sorry for those things and mean it sincerely. that i never wanted to do anything to hurt her or offend her. at the same time right now i am not getting any apologies or anything. i finally said to her the other day that she never even said sorry. she said that she thought she did. then she did say sorry but to me it was only because i brought it up.

i think if it was the other way around id be apologizing profusely and saying sorry a hundred times over for what id done. but that is because id be taking responsibility for what i had done and admit i was wrong.

i guess she has to come to those conclusions on her own though right?

she doesnt know i went all the way to where i am right now. last time i talked to her i said i was probably coming home today. i wont actually be able to make it there for a few more days right now. i guess if she decides to call me today then ill tell her. my feeling is to let her call me instead of "chasing" her around.

now i just got off the phone with her dad. he asked her what was up and she still said nothing. she just said she is depressed but didnt spill the beans.
he also said she is thinking about going back to the other town where here friend is........and also of course where this guy is. do i let her just walk away while im gone or do i go back there and make her face me?
man this really hurts bigtime.......

Devasted:

I think you have found where you have to draw the line. If she is considering going back to where the OM is then all most for sure it means additional contact. If it were me and in your position, I would expose to the FIL right now. He is aware that something is up and your WW is still acting wayward and closing you out of her life. The sooner this A is ended and buried, the sooner you both have a chance to start the long road to recovery.

If you expose to her father, she will be madder than ****** and things sure won't be any easier. Exposure is the toughest thing for most MB's to do. It is easy for me to say that is the right thing to do but if I was you, it would be much harder to pull the trigger. I think at a minimum, you should disrupt the potential for another meeting. Tell her that you are not in favor of her going to that town, it is too risky. She will go if she wants to bad enough but if she did, I would be there watching her like a hawk. Do not let her know that you are considering exposing this A to her father. You must have the advantage of surprise if you expose.

Devasted,

Don't be afraid to piss off your WW. Placating and appeasing a WW only leads to more heartache for the BH. Trust me. I suffered for 2.5 months trying to get my WW to end it with OM. After I finally got up the nerve to expose, she became furious and told me that any chance we had a reconciling was over. FIVE DAYS LATER, she agreed to NC with OM. Isn't that what you want?!? If she doesn't agree to come home and have NC with the OM ever again, you need to expose to EVERYONE that could put on pressure to end the affair. Does the OM have a wife or GF? The most influencial people that I exposed to were the OM's parents, and WW's boss (the affair started when my WW and OM worked together). It sounds to me that she is very close to her family and exposing to WW's parents will have a very strong effect as well. You are in a fight for your marriage. You need to man up and confront your fears. Obviously what you have been doing isn't working. Trust the advice of hundreds on this board along with an expert like Dr. Harley. EXPOSURE IS YOUR GREATEST WEAPON AGAINST AN ONGOING AFFAIR! If you want to save your marriage, USE IT! Don't be your WW's doormat. Your WW has been running the show up to this point. It is your turn to call the shots. Does your WW work? You can always cut her off financially. That did the trick for my WW. Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire. It's called tough love. I'll pray that you find the strenght to do the right thing.

- Jim

it has been over a year since all this went down and it seems surreal to go back and read some of this again.

since the A came out she did not go back to the town where the A took place. it was very hard for her not to go but she did manage to do that. we were staying with her parents for a bit then came back here to our hometown and stayed with my folks for a bit until we finally got our own place.

things have been very good but it has been a long road with lots of bumps along the way. it still isnt perfect yet but we are on our way. i still have many questions that will probably never get answered. i also go to bed each night with visions that i really don't want to think about but can't help. i don't know if that will ever go away.

she has also cut off contact with her best friend who was also the maid of honour at our wedding. her friend is also the OM sister in law. i told her that let alone that her friend was trying to sabotage our marriage she is also the OM family and that will never change. i could never trust what would happen if she saw her friend again. there would always be suspicion so she had to be included in the NC. so far so good.

i still spy on her facebook and e-mail to make sure what she says is true. not sure how long i will keep this up but it makes me feel better even if it also makes me feel like jerk for doing it.

this site and the people on it really kept me together though through a lot of this and i want to thank all of you who responded. i definitely could not have done it without you and my marriage would have been over long ago.

thank you