My husband and I have been married 2 1/2 years. I'm 31, he's 55, but age is not the issue. In September, his 29 year old son moved in with us because of an unplanned pregnancy and financial problems that resulted from health complications. His girlfriend and the baby visit now and then, but we initially opened our home up to both of them until they could get back on their feet financially. The step-son, Raul, has been a massive problem that my husband, Leo, has allowed.

Though Leo and I agreed on a time limit and a minor household contribution from Raul, Leo does not enforce it. In fact, Leo never had any conversation with Raul regarding expectations. We barely make our own bills, so the extra groceries and electric is taxing.

Raul brought his girlfriend's sister's dog (I don't know why, and he didn't tell us in advance) to our home and then neglected it. I voiced my concern over several weeks. Leo would tell Raul to take the dog out, give it water, or clean its mess. Finally, I placed the dog in a large kennel and if I didn't feed/water it, it wouldn't get done. No one cleaned out the kennel, so when I voiced that concern along with the suggestion of finding another home, Leo completely, 100%, blew up at me. He accused me of crossing the line, betraying him, etc. He told me that I shouldn't care about the dog, that I'm causing conflict in the house. "I'm sick of you and your animals." That was the start of the emotional crap that's been going on for weeks.

(btw, I have 4 cats, 1 dog, and a horse, and he's well aware of my intense love of animals, so this is no surprise to him)

I took matters into my own hands and talked to the girlfriend, and now the dog is being cared for. Leo was furious with me for doing that. He's never taken back anything he said to me.

Then between my own suspicions and a friend's observations (well, she and her husband smelled it), I learned that Raul was doing pot in my home. I told Leo, who did nothing. I smelled it twice after and the second time, I went knocking on bedroom doors with some lame excuse. I didn't have haven't ever seen the pot, but it sure smells like it. Last night I confronted Leo about Raul's pot. I was very angry that he hadn't at least talked to Raul about it, and I said, "I'm sick of this [censored]. I'm ready to throw Raul out on his [censored]." To which my husband blew up, etc., etc.

Raul has demonstrated little/no effort in saving money...though he does seem to work. I do not want him in our home, particularly over the pot issue. My husband is not standing behind me on anything, and I feel very de-valued.

Last night Leo even hid in the bedroom rather than face Raul when he came home. Leo refused to talk to me, and this morning pretended nothing was wrong.

I can't live like this. I don't know what to do. My dad is ready and willing to help me toss out Raul if necessary, which I plan to do if I smell pot again. But how can I help my marriage? Am I being too demanding? Am I wrong to expect to be my husband's priority? And how in the world do I make things right when Leo refuses to talk about any issues (he'd rather ignore them)?

Thanks, in advance, for your guidance.
Heatherlee

Welcome to MarriageBuilders, Heatherlee...what a great place to learn how relationships work and don't work...about The Love Bank, how yours is being depleted...and your husband's...have you read all the articles on this website? About Love Busters (LBs), Emotional Needs (ENs), the four rules of marriage?

Sounds like you have boundary conflict going on...

Setting boundaries around yourself, and predetermining progressive enforcements take the con out of conflict...injects respect rather than confronts. I found "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud and Townsend to be priceless. All of Harley's books; His Needs, Her Needs; Fall in Love, Stay in Love; Love Busters; Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders...they all give realistic paths to having a thriving marriage.

You'll see from reading here that the only person you can change is yourself...you are not powerless...you and your husband have equal power, though you may feel powerless at times, when you are not aware of your own choices.

Love Must Be Tough by Dobson might be of help to you, as well.

Can you list all your choices, beginning with agreeing that Raul could move in (one of the four rules of marriage...Policy of Joint Agreement...I have a feeling that's where you violated your first boundary...unless you were enthusiastic about him moving in)?

Each step of the way...please list your options, your choices, and which ones you made...for clarity. I believe in clarity before decision...and before clarity, establishing what you want...what your goal is...then finding your intent and aligning every choice you make with your intent, which is aligned with your goal...gives you clarity in decisions that way...realizing you choose everything...your beliefs, perceptions, thoughts, perspectives...all yours...helps you to recognize your power and others' power.

LA