1st post ever. Lesbian BS(me 36) WS (her 39.5), non legal union of 15yrs, commited with rings. 3 children 3,4,8yrs. A started in sept ’06. WS in Law school, with OP and OP’s EXGF. IMO WS has been going through Mid life crisis. For past 6mos-1yr. D-day Oct 23 ’06. WS states I have to “work through this” I “love her and Love you” confused. Refuses NC. We had 1 month of serious LB’s.Exposure was unplanned and gradual. No chance to change that now. Tried planA for a while, but coming unhinged at all the juicy details of the spying, finally stated this week that she had to stop sleeping at OP’s house 3-4x’s a week or get out. This was an emotional response, not really plan A, but is it the stick, ?? or plan B. she refuses to leave, I believe it’s because she has no job, no one to stay with. Can’t stay with OP as she is already on someone’s couch after OP’s EXGF cheated on OP over the summer. WS is now looking for a job, to get own place. We agreed that she would not do any more sleep-overs, in turn I would allow her to stay on couch for the holidays, for the kids. Then who knows what for the new year. We agreed to be civil, and that’s all, just roommates now. She also recently discovered the spying and split checking account. And Freaked out, betrayal and all that, I admitted it. Things are pretty bad, I know they will get worse, 2 mos is a drop in the bucket. I am ready to work hard. Scared. My question is???? Am I in plan A or B and do I put forth the carrot, or wothdraw?? Lost at this point. Thanks for any advice [color:"black"] [/color]

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances. I suggest you stay in Plan A, and let her stay through the holidays. She also needs to get a job.

Who is the main caretaker of the children?

thanks for your reply believer, I have never done this online thing before. we currently share caretaking of the children equally, she has school 3 days a week, I work 3 days a week and we have 1 "family" day together. also, my MIL who is 100% in support of M lives in an inlaw apartment with us. she helps with sitting as well. WS does need to get a job. but I have no idea what that will mean for our day care, I will have to work weekends and her mom will care for kids one day, then she will work m-f and school at night. she will have very little time for the children or me, I guess that includes no time for OP which is probably good. I still can't believe she would chose OP over time with the kids. UGH
thanks again Fighting back

Ok, another question about babbling. WS states that A is just "different" and "exciting" but she knows that it is not 15 years of hard work. still refuses NC, says she is "not ready" I want to believe the good stuff. and ignore the bad, but is that true, how can I believe that she may still want to give us another chance but ignore that she tells OP that she "can't live without her" its all very confusing.
I have been trying to work on my own issues of codependency as part of bettering myself, but this is contractictory to plan A. Ws often says, don't change the way you are, that is the reason I stay. then I say to myself "why do I want to continue this??"