I have another question. I was wondering if anyone else's FWH or FWH doesn't always understand when you have triggers? Mine doesn't really say much, I have tried telling him I'm having a bad moment when one hits, I've tried not saying anything, but when I do that I become distant and more angry. The only thing he'll say is I love you, but it's like all the other I love you's, it's like he doesn't see something serious is bothering me, it's hard to explain. He says he doesn't know what to say when I have them. He'll occassionally say "sorry", but it doesn't seem real. I was just wondering how other WS deal with your triggers.....Thanks

I let mine know early on that the events, time, places, sounds, smells even were possible triggers and it was up to him to remove those triggers from my life, since he was the cause of those triggers (WS and OW of course).

For me, Yosemite, his face (he shaved off his mustache for the OW), Pier 39, Hayward, all Motel6s, Red Roof Inn, PO box offices, quilts, asian teas, german shepards, jeeps, a certain japanese restaurant, a certain freeway, nextel phones and their distinctive rings, phone cards, private voicemail boxes, e-mail addresses, dog poop, are all triggers.

Howz that for a list? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

Triggers can be manipulated. If you see a trigger, don't look at it, then don't dwell. If you hear a trigger, turn it off, then don't dwell. You can "change" your mind, by changing your thinking. It was a big, big part of my healing, because then I could apply the same "changing" to thoughts. If you imagine, in the future, being recovered, that would mean that you are not thinking about, nearly as much. The sooner you get there, the better. It is very possible. After about 3 days of really practicing this, your harmful thoughts will reduce by about 50%. Your brain is constantly rewiring (making new connections internally) itself based on anything. If you try to be in love, you will become more in love. If you are afraid, you will become more afraid, until you decide, "I'm not going to be afraid anymore." The logic behind this, tell yourself, "I'm not going to let anyone steal my life, my soul, my mind....no one, especially the other person."

Orchid- what do you do about his face now??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

This help me with my triggers. It's long but might give you the information you are looking for. Good luck!

Go to http://www.drjoecarver.com/
Click on Articles.
Click on Emotional Memory: Dealing with Trauma Memory.

Thanks everyone, Orchid, what did you expect from him to help remove those triggers?

dveloperz, I like what you said, it's really hard when I already struggled with his past before we were married, we live all around and IN a trigger. With his ONS I have to drive by the place he met her and down the same road he took to get to her house, it's only about 1 & 1.2 miles from here. How do you get past that? I try not to look over there, but sometimes (alot) especially when he's with me and he looks in that direction, it just hits me, I start to wonder, where did he stand and talk with her, what did they say to each other, how long did she stay. What do your WS do when you have triggers? What do you expect from them? Thanks again

Hm.... no one's been brave enough to ask that question b4! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I concentrate on the rest of his face (eye, forehead, ear lobes,etc. - LOL!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> ), be grateful that now he doesn't look like he is as grumpy and give him more kisses. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Of course I periodically think about OW and vividly recall that day he shaved it off. I post here and it helps me cope. I also ask for his help during these rough times.

L.

Each person has their own way of dealing with triggers. It may be a challenge for him help you deal with it.

Find closure, something you can both do to put this more behind you and do things together so you both have more in common to move forward.

It should not be a task but a journey. Create a new memory. Venture out to do new things. New hobbies, sports, lessons, adventures, etc.

L.

thanks again orchid, we are doing that and spend alot more time together doing little things. It's just sooo incredibly hard when I live right by the trigger, will I ever be able to drive past there and NOT think about it? I try not to, I try not to look, but it enters my mind almost every single time. The other thing that makes it hard is the fear, fear that ok this happened 15 yrs ago, I just found out, I have to believe that he's telling me the truth that NOTHING ever happened again, that's hard to believe, he basically got away with it for 15 yrs. I keep going back through all the years and wonder what else could he not be telling me?? Thanks again so much for your help!!

Orchid: Hm... can you move from the area? Ok, if it helps, just think of me and having to look at his face. Even considered plastic surgery but that's a whole 'nuther trigger for totally different reasons. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />


Orchid: Well I would ask him.....something like:

BS: U know I am having a hard time adjusting to all this schitz.

WS: Yes, I know and I'm sorry.

BS: Want to know what's bothering me now?

WS: I am almost afraid to ask but I guess I have to.... (that's if he says agrees)...

BS: I was wondering what other kinds of surprises like this am I going to find out. Have you turned into such a great scam artist or liar or what will you to regain my trust in you?

(Pay attention to his response, it could tell you more than his response)

WS: Well... I'm not sure... I am not a good liar nor a scam artist, so I guess I have to regain your trust.

BS: U guess?

Ws: I mean, I will. What do you need me to do?

BS: Not sure but you gotta go find out. Since you lost it, where do you think it is?

WS: Don't know.

BS: Me too. Well we c/b back to the same spot and that ain't making me feel too good. I feel kinda sick to in my stomach. Gotta go sit down.

WS: R u sick?

BS: Yep.

WS: What can I do?

BS: Go find my trust and put it back where it belongs.

WS: Not sure if I can do that tonight.

BS: Well, when?

WS: Don't know.

BS: ooohhh....the pain. Gotta go put my feet up.

L.

Thanks orchid, you're right about your FWH face, that would be difficult to overcome. I wish we could move, we have talked about it but now just isn't a good time. I am surrounded by tons of triggers, his past too, we live in the house he grew up in. This whole entire town is a trigger, his past always bothered me but I knew all that before we got married so I never brought it up because I thought I could trust him!
I have talked to my WH about this, the conversation went alot like you said. I have told him all of my fears, I have told him when I have them. I have told him I think he's a good liar (true and scarry), He's very sly. My WH thinks things through very carefully (anything he's doing or going to do). I have asked and talked to him about rebuilding trust, he has answered by telling me he wont do anything that makes me feel uncomfortable. He does this, he does all the right things as far as rebuilding my trust. We have talked about this in MC and we have set up our boundries. When I ask him whether or not there is more he needs to tell me he says no, I said, How do I believe that after you lied for 15 yrs, he says he doesn't know how I will believe him and he says other than rebuilding trust the way he's trying that I will hopefully believe him eventually. He isn't much of a talker, doesn't like to talk about this subject much obviously, but when I have triggers, I don't know I feel like I need more reassurance than just I love you. I dont' know, I feel confused so much about everything. Thanks again for your help

Orchid: Mine babbled similar. I told him then he's got his work cut out because I don't have forever for him to 'figure it out'. I reminded my Xws that I was out of hope. I was at the point where D didn't look so bad and I saw relief with the D but recovery wasn't looking so good anymore.


Orchid: Mine doesn't like to talk to family. He used to talk a lot to me while when we were dating but after a couple of years of marriage, then the baby came, he put me in the same non-commuicative category as his family and stopped talking to me. Later he sought out a psycho babble (thanks to the internet - another trigger)and she became his OW. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Your need for reassurance s/b his priority. Plain and simple. If he can't handle that he ought to get counseling or assistanct t/d so. That w/b how you can measure his sincerity.

See if he is satisfied on how you are meeting his needs and pulls back on meeting yours, then it isn't recovery. You are still a BS and he is an Xws not your H.

I recommend a call to Steve H for some phone counseling. I wish I had a dollar for each reference I give him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

I'm sorry, so our MC said that if we have boundries and he's doing the things such as not doing things if it makes me uncomforable, calling me frequently when he's gone ect what do you mean then by he needs to figure it out, I guess I haven't heard what more he should do, I guess that's maybe what I'm confused about. Other than him saying I love you or sorry and hugging me or holding my hand, he just doesn't say much, I don't really know what I want more in reassurance, I guess to hear him say over and over there isn't anything else he's hiding or how truly he's sorry for what he did, he doesn't feel that he needs to keep saying that over and over, he says he doesn't like to dwell on it, he doesn't even think about it because it was 15 yrs ago, maybe in a way I agree, I don't want him to have to think about it if it's true he doens't. He does meet meet my needs, (most of the time) just when i'm having triggers or a bad day, he just doesn't know what more to do?? I don't know what he can do. Thanks again. I don't think I'm getting it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Don't kick yourself for not letting go. Think about it, what reason do you have for letting go? Trust? Hm....don't think so.

Can't even get to the level of love if there is no trust. Let me tell you that we(his family and I) have learnd that he is replacable. Hm..... newsworthy? You betcha'. Something to tell an Xws? IMHO, yes.

What if he can't take it? Then it could mean he doesn't deserve your trust.

The very fact that you still feel uneasy is a tell tale sign that this is not all within your control.

Many a Xws want the BS to forget it ever happened and move on. Hm.... what incidents does he recall that he has not let go of? Compare that to what you are dealing with and hopefully both of you will see the importance of him helping you move forward.

How? Well for us, we did a symbolic gesture of closure. I loved the ocean. I went down there and screamed my lungs out. The roar of the ocean muffled my yelling but it was still therapeutic for me.

Now I will share something that unless you have been through it, you will say it is crazy. For me to move forward, I had to give up something precious. Like the precious love that has been lost due to my H's A. Real precious yet something I could live without. For me that came down to my custom made wedding dress. I kept the bow (that part I disliked the most) but all that imported lace and satin were snipped to shreds. My H was horrified but it was something I had to do. As it happened, I could actually feel the strength returning to my soul. I can't explain why but it did. I cried when I threw it away but I still knew it had t/b done. It was my personal sacrifice. My H was horrified but understood, so for that he left me alone. It was either that or I condem him 24/7. I had enough adrenaline to do it 24/7 but knew it was NOT healthy so in between all my responsibilities, I choose another way.....to go get closure.

Is any of this making sense? It will take a while to absorb. You do have tools here you can use.

L.

want,

Do not drive by your triggers, go around them, period. When I pass triggers with my spouse, it's worse. I feel like she's getting off on it. But, she's not. When we are ready to pass them, I say I'm getting irritated and she acts like she didn't even notice. I say regardless of that, it's time for you to talk really dirty to me, basically kiss my [censored]. That helps me, it may not you, especially if there is no remorse, still contact, etc. As I've said, it takes awhile, but it will fade. If you block out a physcial trigger 4-5 times, it greatly diminishes. Country music still bothers me, 2 years later, I'd just turn it off. 2.5 years later, I can now listen to it, that was "their" music. My spouse would not dare to look in the direction of a trigger, but she's kind of oblivious anyway. It is the responsibility of my spouse to console me past triggers, or she knows the length of ****** she'll have to pay will be longer, it's her choice, it always was. Your curious details will fade. I interrogated my wife for at least 1.5 years. You'd think I was a cop because I know that one way to find out if someone is lieing is when the have to recount an event over and over, over time, they'll slip if they're lieing. Hope that helps. My wife was willing to pay the price and she's thankful I stayed. But, she knows I'd NEVER stay again. Once is a mistake, twice is not. First time, shame on you, second time........

Orchid - I'm sorry but I just have to chuckle at your husband - no matter how smart he thinks he is, he's undone and outwitted by the classy gal he fell in love with!

After living with a woman who won his heart with her quick wit and disarming personality, I can imagine that it wasn't long before the mystery was over with the OW and life was just too danged *yawn* boring! Besides the smell!

thanks orchid, I do not think you are crazy at all as a matter of fact I did something very similar. I threw away ALL of our wedding pics (his ONS was only 10 months after our wedding), I would have thrown out the dress but it was my grandmothers and it's being passed down in the family, it's a good thing it's not in my possession.
My H and I have cried together numerous times, I have yelled at him, have said terrible things to him, he listens, he knows I was venting but I still feel like I don't know what to expect on a daily basis or I should say when I do have triggers. I don't know what more I want from him, he does all the right things with rebuilding trust, but is it enough when I'm having triggers to say I love you, hold my hand, or just saying I'm sorry? what do your spouses do when you have them? Or what do you expect from them? Our MC said that he may not ever do what I'm expecting, he may only be capable of this, he also said that being that I accuse him of not doing the right things with reassuring in my eyes he maybe fearing that every time I have a trigger he's afraid again of failing in my eyes, he may think he'll never live up to my expectations. Does that make sense?

dveloperz, thanks, I try to avoid going by the triggers, he never looks in that direction. However being that this happened 15 yrs ago and I just found out, during the yrs he has gone in there for things, that really bothers me. Over the years we have also gone very close to her house. He now claims he doesn't remember exactly where it is, only general area. I have asked him over and over the same things, he always responds with that there hasn't been anything else he needs to tell me, I fear though 15 yrs is a long time to go back through, he swears he has never done anything else inappropriate. But he also told me over and over the last 15 yrs he didn't cheat on me 15 yrs ago (i suspected then & asked through out the yrs off and on). The only difference then is he would get angry, he doesn't now.
thanks again

Oh I thought I should mention to that it's hard to feel my H out alot because we have had a VERY rough year with his medical needs. He feels like Sh** about 95% or more of the time. I know he needs me too during these times but we have stress especially him worrying about his condition & if and when he'll get better. So I know it's hard for him to always be there. Thanks