Yes, why not wait till you can prove the PA?

Catch them kissing or her spending the night w/ him....

Hold your cards for now.

~ Marsh

How are things going inside the house?

Are you surprised she's staying put?

What did she say when you moved back in?

Any chance of meeting any of her ENs, yet?

~ Marsh

Here is the latest:

Earlier in the week I was just home to take care of the kids while she went to the Dr. in Atlanta (and spent day with OM). Jim and I had a misunderstanding.

This week I have had chances to meet her ENs, mainly those of affection by playing with her hair, neck/back/shoulder rubs, etc. COnversations have mostly been about the kids, her day, my day, memories, things I have learned about myself. I try to keep away from talking M.

Last night I asked why she was still seeing OM. She denied it, and I pressed some still without revealing my source. She finally admitted to a story about taking the cell phone back to OM. I asked if OM went with her to Atlanta and she denied that. I just told her that I believe there is more going on that she is letting on, and she said I could think whatever I wanted. I tried to not let this be confrontational. more in line with exposure by getting her to admit to something.

I have been afraid to try to go back home after the last failure and today I was supposed to sign a lease on an apartment. My head and my heart were screaming not to do that, so I went home instead and I am here now. WW was at a Christmas party at her mom's, and I called her to tell her I could not leave, that I could not live with that wrong decision and I was ashamed that I had even left to begin with, and I was staying home. Of course as I thought my manhood, my word, my whole existence were called into question. I just said I was resolved to do the right thing now and all other agreements were null and void because they were the wrong thing to do, especially in the light of having physical proof that she is still seeing the OM. I even told her I would not finance any separation or divorce proceedings.

She is furious, told me she hated me, told me she never wanted to see me again. I just said we need to arrange a time for me to pick up the kids, and she threw out I would have to talk to my attorney about that so she is threating to keep them away from me.

She is on the way home to pick up stuff, clothes, etc to take back with her. I guess we will have a "discussion" when she gets here.

I feel like a wreck now. I feel like this was the only right decision to be made, but it also feels wrong. To hear her say she hated me was like cutting my heart out. I don't know right now how anything good can come out of this. To her, our marriage is over. Now I am starting to feel like that as well. But I know that I can go on, I can keep learning about myself and improving myself, and I don't need her to justify my existence in life - I have God for that. For the first time I feel like I can let her go.

I will keep you all updated. Thanks for the words of advice so far.

The old marriage IS over. You are fighting for a chance at a new one. Now that you are home...stay there. You are disrupting the addiction and she is resisting and attempting to manipulate you with everything in her arsenal (especially stuff that's worked before). She wants you to accept it's over so she can go back to fantasy land. Reality ain't easy for the wayward.

Also, trying to get them to admit things feels like an accomplishment in honesty for the BS. It's not. They will only be honest when it serves the addiction. She will be honest with you just enough to manipulate you. She was trying to give you a sense of security so she could twist the knife harder. You weren't making any progress trying to be nice and expect the same from her. Moving home...IS progress and I commend you for doing it...NOW stick with this decision and see it through.

Conflict is good. It's better than withdrawal. With you home she is incurring consequences for her choices and is focused on you and your actions. It's real. Don't believe the fantasy...it's NOT real. Her hatred of you is a lie, it's part of her distorted mind right now. You must stay strong and believe in your convictions, your vows, your family.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

p.s.- you said for the first time you can let her go. THAT is progress. When you can detach from the desparation of being the BS and desparately trying to fix things you will become much more able to win this fight. You just stick to being the best husband, father and individual YOU can be and let God sort out the rest. Do what you can do and accept what can not control. Accept uncertainty.

Eph, you can't give up so easily. Just because she says BOO, does not mean you should abandon your plan. You are never going to win your wife and family from this affair if you run crying from the room every time your W raises her voice at you.

Your goal is SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE, not to avoid making your W angry at you. You CANNOT AVOID MAKING your wife angry right now unless you sit back, do nothing and allow her to destroy your marriage.

So, you are going to have to MAN UP here, friend or you are not going to make it. You are not going to die if she gets mad and throws a tantrum. She is angry for ALL THE RIGHT REASONS, because you are INTERFERING IN HER AFFAIR!!

THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO IF YOU WANT TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE!

If you can't stand a little anger from your fogged out wife, then you need to just pack it in right now and leave, because you won't have the NADS to save your marriage!

Exposure means exposing to someone who does not know. She already KNOWS about her own affair so you can't expose to her.

Rather than playing cat and mouse games that achieve nothing, why don't you move past the 'did you or didn't you?' and just tell her what you KNOW?

Mr W and ML,

Thanks for checking in tonight. It's hard to stay strong when she is trying her hardest to tear me down. It has worked before but I am resolved that it will not work this time. Fog or not, her words still hurt like heck. To hear the person who once said "I love you" now say "I hate you" is one of the most painful things I have been through.

I know I have made the right decision now, and I am probably lucky I still had the chance to get home.

Also, I completed the gaps in my journal from when I was away, showing that I spent significant time with the kids and her so that she cannot some back and say I abandoned them.

moving home = right choice
staying home = right choice

Her taking off = bad/wrong choice
Her absconding with kids = bad/wrong choice
Her having affair = big wrong choice

YOU only control YOUR choices. Keep making the right ones and you'll be proud of yourself however this ends up.

I know it's tough hearing those words. Eventually, IF she pulls herself out of this, she will regret those words and apologize for them. She's suffering the effects of an addiction. If she were on crack cocaine you'd be hearing the exact same things if you were attempting to interfere with that addiction. She's hopefully not herself right now. If she is herself than she's essentially lost to you and the family forever. Time will tell...but either way...YOU will make it.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - get yourself a pitbull attorney and protect your legal rights. Protect your families finances as well...don't allow her to take you all down to financial ruin. Eventually, if and when you bust up the affair the more resolute and decisive you are the more attracted to you your wife will end up being. READ, READ...and READ some more. Get educated on the dynamics involved to help you cope.

Eph,

Did she kiss or show affection to OM when the PI was watching her?

I know you are doing the right thing. You will be alright. Just keep up the good work. My wife is at a wedding tonight at her home town, so I got wasted tonight. I actually turned down another woman. I know that I don't NEED my WW now. You don't either. You are just trying to save your M.

Hi Jim,

There was nothing physical captured, however I would consider the fact the OM rode to Atlanta with WW, had dinner together, and such to be showing affection.

All I can think of is that sometimes the right thing to do is not the easy thing to do.

I apprciate all your tips in my thread. If I could leave you with one it would be this - please be careful being in situations where you are having to turn down women. Yeah, we don't NEED our WW to live, but we sure do WANT them in our lives otherwise we would not be putting in this effort. We can't jeoparidize our efforts.

Latest update:

Talked to WW this morning - she is coming over to get stuff from the house. She will not let me see the kids until we have a legal agreement in place. She says that because I went back on our draft LSA that we "signed" she has no guarantees about anything, says that I should have thought about this before I decided to come home again, my word means nothing (and her's does right now?), blah, blah, blah
Also said it should only take a few weeks to petition the courts. I recorded that conversation for later.

she can't use the kids to extort a favorable LSA. That is going to look REALLY bad. Be certain to document multiple requests to see the children until the court imposes an agreement. Don't negotiate one AT ALL...that is unless she's willing to give you 100% custody....THAT would be reasonable as you are the only sane person in this marriage right now.

Mr. Wondering

Stay sane...don't give in to manipulation

Just saw that WW went to the ATM and took out $600 from the back account I left some money in for supporting the kids.

You might have to keep the balance a little lower so she can't use your money to pay for a lawyer or finance her affair instead of spending it on the kids.

WW came and got clothes for her and the kids, toys, books, etc. While she was here I got her purse in the van and took the credit cards that I already took her name off of, the debit card for the joint bank account, and also found the cash she took. I left her with $200.

I asked MIL if she supported my wife/her daughter's decision to leave our marriage and pursue an affair. She said she did not want to talk about it. I told her it is going on whether she wants to believe it or not.

I will have to talk to a lawyer tomorrow to find out how to be able to get the kids back and spend time with them. Having the next 2 weeks off work for vacation will be nice.

It's a dark day now in the life of Eph525. Now that she is gone how can I do a plan A? I am home alone. Will her anger subside any? The words "I hate you" still echo in my ears and hurt everytime.

I have IC this week on Tuesday and I will probably schedule another sessions with SH.

You are doing the right thing, buddy. The more pissed off they are, the more effective your plan is. You are throwing quite a monkey wrench into her plans. Why is she taking the kids? I would tell her she is going nowhere with my children.

Good job!!!! I suggest you clean the house - that will keep you busy.

Then, spend some time relaxing, and not thinking about all the stuff that is happening.

Plan A includes taking care of yourself.

The next two weeks...

Clean the house
Paint a room
Workout
Get a tan
Get a haircut
Get some new cologne (Bulgari Aqua is my recommendation)
Try to regulate your sleep to keep yourself sharp
Get up everyday, shave, shower and shine
Hire your attorney
Trust him/her to do their job
Read..read...read on how to become a better you

Perhaps anti-depressants will assist you through this difficult period...discuss with your doctor.

Mr. Wondering

Eph,

ML and Mr. W are exactly on. Please listen. You are fine! This is a marathon, not a sprint.

If you have read my story, then you know how many times, things have looked hopeless. But as Mr. W says...YOU will make it!! And your marriage MAY make it!

But, if you back down, if you dont "man up," then your marriage will NOT make it. And you may not either.

Get you a good lawyer. Understand that the lawyer works for YOU, not the other way around. let him know that you are trying to save your marriage, but his job was to slow things down and to protect you and the kids. And that you arent into negotiations!! That you and your attorney will dictate all terms.

I can help you thru this part, as I have been to court twice and came out ahead both times!!

I will post an update to my situation soon...and you may see that nothing is impossible. And that the fat Lady hasnt even begun to warm up in your situation.

Stay alert, soldier. Man your post.

Daily update:

Even though I am back in the house alone, I went over to some friend's house and had dinner with them last night. Being alone really sucks right now. I want to take care of me and do things for me, but I also want to see my kids.

I talked with the lawyer today and told him I was not taking the offensive bur rather witing to see what WW tries to do next. He recommended not cutting off WW financially - said it would look bad and recommended to ask her what she needs to see if we can reach an agreement. Alimony and CS payments are making my head spin. I told him about her taking the kids and he said that of course that looks bad for her also. He recommended to keep asking her to have time with the kids and if she keeps saying "no" that further legal action may be necessary. Yeah, I can just go up there and try to take them but I don't want to engage it that game. I really want to be able to spend time with them while I am home these two weeks because it seems to me it will be more difficult once I am back at work.

Talked to the PI today. I need to make a decision on whether to try to confront WW and get a confession or try to keep checking up on her. Problem is I doubt she will try to go to see OM while she is at her mom's. The cell phone and laptop could be huge for me now. What to do here?

I know I will make it. Even though the storm rages around me, I feel more peace about being at home than I did while I was away for a month. I know that I am doing the right thing. May God honor my decisions to do the right thing and may he give me a new and improved marriage.