Great job on handling her, Eph!! You see, as she sees the consistency in what you are doing, she will begin to believe that you indeed value the family and aim to protect it. That is why she asked about the flowers. That is why she is also mad.


You see, she had this all worked out. She made herself believe that you didnt care. So, she was ready to move on with her life in a different direction. She expected you to walk away, to divorce her. She expected you to leave. She expected you to not put up a fight.

But instead, you have held your ground. You have fought for the family, and hopefully soon, for the kids. And also for her. But in the meantime, you have defended boundaries.

And this makes her mad. My wife said at one point "why did it take all of this to make you fight for me?" You see, they get really upset that they are now in adultery, destroying the family...and then have no excuse because their spouse isnt the way they thought they were.

So, steady as she goes. Mr. Wondering had great advice above. On the lawyer...you need to make sure he/she is going to push forward on this. Many lawyers will want to make a deal. And while you may need to make a deal at some point, right now is not the time. As you said, she is shopping for a place to live. If she has to take money to hire an attorney, she wont be able to do that. Also, if she gets a house, then she can say this is the kids new home. Right now, she is living in temporary housing.

Get your attorney on the issue of not seeign your kids and them not returning to their home. Now! Do as Mr. W said, and take all valuable items out of the house and store at a friends, relatives or even rent one of those storage units someplace. Even though you put new locks on, she is within her right to break a window or call a locksmith.

You have a lot of work to do. And since you did call the police, count on her moving fast now. You need to keep boxing her in.

On the boxing in deal...yes, she is going to perceive you as controlling. Why? Because you arent going along with her plan. You were supposed to give her everything and walk away. Dont worry about that! This is a natural progression in the life of a WS. My wife said the same things. They all do!!

So, get on the stick. See your attorney today. Tell him you do not want to divorce at this time, but file what he needs to to protect you, the family hoem and assets, and to get custody of those kids.

Just a quick idea but perhaps your excuse for moving out a ton of personal effects could be that YOU intended to paint the house yourself with your free time. Even once you win some or all custody there will be free time to paint when the kids are not with you ...so no time like the present to get going on that project and surprise your wife with a new paint job. Thus, nothing vindictive or sneaky about moving personal effects into storage and you are shocked that she'd even say that...how did she even know...did she come over to grab stuff while I was at work?????

Maybe a redo of the kitchen cabinets...wives are often connected to their kitchen accessories...plates, placesettings, china...all gone so you can spruce up the kitchen cabinetry.

Her jewelry, clothes, personal items may be packed up and hidden because it disturbed you emotionally to view them out in the open and cause you are going to paint the bedroom too. You never liked the color and since she's abandoned the home...well you may have to be there alone for quite some time.

Also, thinking out loud, a remodel project half-started may be a small reason the judge may not kick you out of the home should WW petition for re-entry. "But your honor, my client Eph is in the midst of repainting the interior of the home and redoing the kitchen...he wanted to surprise his wife when she ended her adulterous ways with a newly redone home for their family. Judge MAY be more hesitant to remove him.

Change the code on the garage door opener and if it locks with a key perhaps lock it so if she intends to load stuff up she must do it out the front door.

Pack up a suitcase of clothes for each of the kids too just in case she tries to remove ALL there stuff. You can replace much of it if necessary but it would be nice to at least retain some of it.

Hide a voice activated recorder in the house. With free access to the home you likely can find a way to plug one in...that wiil tell you if anyone was there and if so what was said...especially when she calls OM after discovering you've removed much of the stuff.

I'm still on holiday at my IL's in Georgia...only checking in sporadically.

Mr. Wondering

Eph, I'm not sure about taking stuff from your house. You are trying to prevent her from removing stuff, if you remove stuff (even with the intention of returning them) it could look like to the judge you are guilty of what you are accusing your wife of doing.

Perhaps buy a safe or put a lock on a closet.

I need to reiterate what Mortar and Wonder have said. Your lawyer needs to get moving pronto. You have several issues that must be solved

1. Children's custody

2. The marital house

3. Marital property.

Please reread my previous posts, and if your lawyer is unable to expound on them and enact a plan to achieve your goals NOW, find a new lawyer NOW.

I like Mr. W's idea - it is not confrontational, and will be good for Eph.

Well I just got a call from my wife's lawyer that I will be served papers today. Of course, my lawyer is on vacation today (go figure) until Wednesday next week. We have been in contact via e-mail so I let him know what is going on. Maybe this is an indication I need a new lawyer? I have no idea when it comes to these things.

I can only guess that she is bent on destroying our marriage one way or another. Man, this is not what I wanted at all.

Well, (where is MR. W???), you can probably avoid service for a few days.

My guess is she is going to try to have you put OUT of the home. In California, they cannot do that, but don't know about your state.

You will likely have 21 days to respond...it's unlikely in any state she can have you immediately removed absent the filing of some bogus restraining order.

If the court house is near there is a chance you can go up and take a look at what she filed before being served. If it contains anything about removing you immediately from the home...avoid service. I doubt she's doing that but you never know. Your attorney may hava a clerk or associate at the courthouse today that could take a peak at what was supposedly filed.

Process servers do their work in the evenings...around dinner time is the best bet. In some states they have to touch you with the paperwork but in most they just have to be certain it is you and then drop the paperwork as served whether you take it or not. Many of these guys are off-duty sherrifs so if they see you they will just say they actually handed it to you. Avoiding process is usually a waste of time.

Don't give up...this is par for the course. At least you made her do what she eventually intended to do anyway instead of you filing. She's carrying the legal load and you just stay resolute and work with your attorney behind the scenes.

This ain't over by a long shot. Act, Don't React.

Mr. Wondering

Again I'm not a lawyer so please consult your lawyer on this, but:

Probably what you will be served with is a notice to appear before a temp hearing which will decide several things for the near term: 1. Custody (and visitation) 2. Child support 3. Marital Residence status and 4. Restraining orders. This is a bandaid solution until the full divorce can be decided. In the SC family court I've dealt with it typically takes 10-14 days to get a hearing scheduled. SO likely you have a hearing sometime during the second or third week of Jan. In your WW's complaint it will be spelled out what they want in each category (and you can imagine what she is asking for). The key thing is to get with your lawyer at the earliest oppurtunity to decide on your response. It is critical to gather evidence at this point to prove to the judge what kind of behavior your WW has been exhibiting.

Now I may be wrong, but in SC the only way she can force you to leave immediatly without the benefit of a temp hearing is if she shows up, an altercation develops, the police are called and you are hauled off to jail for domestic violence. So the simple fact of you being served today won't force you to leave the house. In fact it won't affect the court date (unless you leave the country NOW and stay gone for the next few weeks), so it doesn't serve any purpose to avoid it. In fact as part of that service you should recieve her complaint and you'll be able to study it this weekend, make notes, and have the evidence ready when you go see your lawyer next week.

start thinking about asking for affidavits from friends, family, witnesses to the A, and the PI, to present to the judge.

Additionally YOU control your destiny here. YOU must gather evidence and prepare it for your lawyer. You alot familiar with the details of what has been going on than he or she is. Have it organized, prepared, and easy to follow to give to your lawyer. Doing alot of this yourself will save you BEAUCOUP money over the long run.

OK, the action was not for D, but separate support and maintenance, i.e legal separation. Interesting that it was filed on Dec 19th. The court date in Jan 8, 2007.

Couple of key points:
1. Grant joint legal custody of minor children with primary physical placement to the Defendant. Since I am the defendant, I take this that the kids will stay with me, and if that is the case then I should not have to pay CS. Am I reading this right?
2. Grant defendant temporary use of the marital home until it is sold.

My lawyer asked me to put down the full history of our marriage, emphasizing from the time she asked me to leave the house forward, so he could use it for an affidavit.

Are you sure you are reading this correctly? That sounds very odd that she would cede you physical custody and use of the home.

When you give the lawyer the history, please also include everything about the affair and name the OM, ok?

Oh, that is very good news.

Do you make enough money to do the house payments and take care of the kids? Seems to me that she will have to have a good job to pay you child support. But your attorney will know.

Now I would get very busy making sure you have all bases covered before going to court. That includes daycare, way to get them to medical care, and whatever else is needed for their welfare. Have a written plan of what will be done, who can be called for help, etc.

Your attorney will know more about selling the house. But I think your wife will be back. This is way better than I hoped for.

Yes if you have primary physical custody she WILL have to pay you child support. In SC child support is figured on guidlines (formulas) based on incomes. If you WW has no job, her income will be figured at minimum wage x 40 hours a week. In my case my WW had no job at our temp hearing and her Child support to me came to around $120. She has since gotten a job and has more income and I could file for more CS, but that would cost me more lawyer $, and the math just doesn't work out now.

As I and others have previously said, you need to write out your WHOLE story to give to your lawyer. Also think about an affidavit from your PI. If the judge sees how your wife has been behaving, especially from an independent observer, the more he or she will favor towards you when deciding the details of visitation.

Yes, it's quite strange. On one page it says "Granting joint legal custody of the minor children with primary physical placement to the defendant..." Then on another page it says "The plaintiff would further allege that it is in the children's best interests that the parties be awarded joint legal custody of the minor children with the Plaintiff having primary residential custody. Then on yet another page it again says "Granting joint legal custody of the minor children with primary physical placement to the defendant." I think they messed up here but it will be to my advantage.

Of course she is also asking for alimony, use of the vehicle, equitable distribution of debts and assets, CS and reimbursement for medical expenses, health and life insurance, her attorney's fees and costs, etc.

I do make enough to make the house payments and expenses for the kids as I have been the sole breadwinner for the past 6 years. What I don't make enough for is to have to cover all this plus any alimony. I will definitely have to sell the house, though.

It sounds like your WW's paralegal and lawyer were asleep at the wheel! LOL.

Remember, in SC adultery bars alimony so it's important to get that topic front and center in front of the judge.

Yes, I have been aware that adultery bars alimony - that is why I hired the PI to begin with. While I don't have the slam dunk evidence, I do have enough circumstantial evidence I think and (unfortunately) a history between WW and OM that extends to before we were married. I guess that will depend on the judge.

Eph,

That order is full of typos. It will be worked out in court. So let's look at what they are after:

She wants alimony, primary physical custody, use of the house (until sold) and a host of other financial issues. Let's break this down.

If you have proof of adultery, then you pay no alimony. Period. So, you need that evidence to meet what we spoke about before. Make sure you have this...otherwise, alimony will cost you a bunch!

The kids. That ebook Mr. Wondering told you about should help. You have to get all the evidence you can. Document everything you do for the kids. Have the plan in place how you will take care of the kids without her around. I like the idea that Mr. W stated about you starting work on the house. Painting the kids'room. Shows you are directly working on their behalf. Also, get everyone that you can that knows you and your wife as parents that will speak highly of you (and lowly of her, if they will). You will need them to write statements on your behalf. Maybe even something from your pastor! Many times, the amout of evidence will trump the quality of the evidence. So, if you dump on the judge a ton of stuff showing you as a great parent...while showing her as unstable and keeping you from the kids...it should go well for you.

The big push on that is that if she wants joint with physical, then there is no guarantee she will make things easy for the kids to be with both of you. She has already shown that by denying you access to the kids over Christmas. So, your attorney should really push that if it is joint, that you get primary and that you can be trusted to make sure swaps and visitation will go off as they should.

On the other issues...financial...you need to just have your attorney ride with it. Usually, the stuff will be split in half. So, no worries on that. And if you can prove adultery, you wont have to worry about alimony or having to pay attorney fees (since there will be fault against her). On the house, I like Mr. W's idea of really making it yours. Buy the paint so you can show a receipt in court. Photograph everything in there, just in case you do lose and have to leave. that way she cant hide things and say they dont exist.

Get with it. As Mr. W said, you probably have three weeks to respond. But, with the temporary hearing on January 8th, I doubt that to be the case right now. So, you will need to launch right now.

Please tell me again what evidence you have of your wife's affair(s). Who else has direct knowledge of this (beside the OM(s)?

She does not want use of the house. That point is clear - defendant gets temporary use of the home until sold.

Kids: starting to document everything here and figure out a plan for caring for them while I am at work. I need to finish reading the ebook.

Financial: the lawyer mentioned it may not be 50/50 since SC is an equitable distribution state. He said it could be that since I made all the money the court could favor me more like 60/40 or whatever.

If you don't mind, I'd like to take further adultery discussions offline if you have some time. Like I mentioned, I have a lot of circumstantial evidence and a pattern of behavior with OM.

Maybe. And maybe again it could be a typo here too. Count on her wanting the house...then if she doesnt, it is good for you! Plan like she is taking you to the cleaners.

It is a wealth of info. It is your battle plan! Please make sure you have that plan in place BEFORE you go to court. dont say to the judge "Well, I was planning for them to go to my Mom's for two hours until I get home" or anything like that. It should be "Your Honor, I have already signed up with XYZ Christian Day Care and put a deposit down for 1-2 hours a day on work days for the kids to go to until I get thru traffic and get home." Or something like that...whatever suits your sitch.

He is correct. But as I said...always worse case scenario everything. Plan for the worst...hope for the best!

You know how to reach me, Eph. We can talk offline on this.

MM, just sent you an e-mail.