My point is that I don't think there was ever full disclosure because she has at the very minimum, kept in contact and visited the OM behind Eph's back.

Thanks guys for the legal stuff. Since Virginia is the same as South Carolina legally on this issue, I did advise Eph several weeks ago on this stuff (condonation and alimony) when I talked to him.

Thanks all for your comments and advice. I will post an update later with more info - I just got back from the doctor about this cold (and ADs, yeah) and need to take a nap.

Well what a day.

WW told me last night she was coming over around noon today to get some stuff. She finally showed up around sometime after 4 and proceeds to start packing up some stuff in the kitchen (dishes, cups, etc). I tried to make small talk, asking how she was, how the kids are, what she got for Christmas, etc. When she kept on getting stuff, I finally said that she needed a court order to take anything else, that all I would agree to was personal items. She said the stuff was hers too, and I said no it belongs to the family and the family is here. I had to call the police out to stop her (I think she was quite surprised by that). While we were waiting for them she proceeded to blame me for all this, tell me I was controlling her, the money, etc. I just kept saying I had a boundary when it comes to the family and I am standing up for the family and was not willing to let her tear the family apart. I was able to control any AOs and always tried to get her to explain her statements when they did not make sense.

Police arrived and we both gave our side of the story. It was agreed she would only take clothes for her and some toys for the kids. She is pissed royally. I was standing outside as she got in the van and she said something about not having to stand out there and see her off that I have fulfilled my husbandly duties. As I handed her some mail she threw out that opening her mail was a federal offense.

She also said I should have given up and walked away a long time ago that it would have been easier that way because though I never physically left her

So to answer MMs questions earlier:

I have not seen the kids since 12/15. I will be contacting the lawyer tomorrow to start the custody process. You mentioned a pit-bull attorney - I don't get that impression yet but neither do I think he will not do anything.

I did not change the locks as I did not think that was necessary. That might be a good idea considering that I will be back at work next week and the house will be empty during the day

As far as documentation goes, I have done it as best I can with a journal and recorded conversations and the PI. I hope it is enough and I get a sympathetic judge.

Oh, she also asked why I bothered to have flowers sent to her (2 dozen roses). I said it was because I still loved her and wanted to build a new marriage with her. Her comment to that was something along the lines of my actions not backing up my words.

I'm out of town so only a couple of minutes to post:

Maybe consider boxing up some of the extra valuable personal items and putting them in storage may be a good idea just in case ww enters the home in the next week and cleans it out. Until she has a court order to the contrary she has every right to enter and take whatever she wants if you are not there to stop her. If you at least put away some things you can protect yourself to some extent as the lawyers will take their time filing things (they won't be done by monday most likely).

In addition to a custody filing you may HAVE to file a divorce petition or restraining order of some sort which restricts or freezes, at least temporarily, the movement of personal assets until the court can figure it out. Filing a actual divorce petition may be necessary if you want to immediately file a claim against OM for loss of consortum/interference with marital relations (if possible in your state). I don't see a huge advantage in waiting to make WW actually file the claim...she's apparently going in that direction anyway and it IS advantageous in the custody dispute for you to take the initiative. You don't talk divorce but you can file a claim and sit on the claim for a long time in your state from what I've heard.

Mr. Wondering

"She is pissed royally. I was standing outside as she got in the van and she said something about not having to stand out there and see her off that I have fulfilled my husbandly duties"

LMAO -- YIKES!!!!!!

But you did just fine. Good job on saying that you were standing for your family, and on calling the cops. We have had a couple of men here that got forced out of their home under the guise of a protective order.

I'm very proud of you. There are a ton of women that would LOVE for their husband protect the family. I know she is madder than a wet hen right now, but I do think that you are growing on her.

I wish I could see into her brain and know if I was growing on her because her words and action send the message that I am driving her away. Her seeing everything as controlling really bothers me. Yes, am guilty of controlling behavior i.e. Selfish Demands in the past I so of course I feel bad when she tells me this, but I remember that it is NOT selfish to want to save our marriage and protect the children. Of course, she says that it took her saying she wanted out for me to take any action.

Oh, she also mentioned something to the police about getting a place of her own soon. I can't imagine what that is going to be all about, but it is a clue to her intentions so I better get my tail in gear and get custody.

Did you see Mr.W's suggestion? It's a good one. My ex took 6 truckloads out of my home while I was at work. Also guard your important papers. Ex got those too, and I was kicking myself because my sis who is an attorney warned me, and I didn't believe her.

I suggest calling your office, informing them of the situation, and NOT leaving your home unattended until the restraining order is in place and/or the locks have been changed. I'm sure that they will allow you a day or two to get things in order.

Alternatively, do you have any family or friends that can keep an eye on your home in your absence?

Oh, yes I keep the important papers, notebooks, etc with me at all times.

I'll be calling a locksmith tomorrow.

Now, as your wife is running all over at Christmas with your kids, is she still in contact with the OM? I may have missed the details on him.

Well I have no proof one way or another if she is still in contact with the OM. She says she gave the cell phone back to him but her messages still are on the v-mail for the phone. The laptop remains a mystery.

She had an affair before with this man? Does he live close by? Does he have any kids? Does he make good money?

Yes, there was a previous A 2003 that we never really recovered from fully, just swept under the rug so to speak. I really wish I had found MB back then. OM lives about an hour away, no kids, not married, don't know about a GF, though.

Based on what the PI told me, he lives in a dump. Whether that is any indication of him making good/bad money I don't know.

I'm just thinking about all of this. Your wife is furious right now, but hasn't gotten over it as quickly as most. Usually there is a huge uproar, but it doesn't last long.

Was she a good wife and mother before the affair?

She is a good wife but failed to meet my ENs consistently just as I failed to meet hers consistently. We took each other for granted, engaged in LBing behaviors, etc. This is why it blows my mind to hear the comments she makes about me being the cause of all this. We are both guilty for our marriage being in the state that it is.

She is still a good mother, although I am concerned about her health in all of this with her dealing with her eating disorder and being treated for depression (which she claims is being caused by our marriage). This greatly impact her ability to care for the kids by herself.

I don't know. Maybe her other problems are causing her to react the way she is - which is a bit on the extreme side. I don't think I would lock her out of your home. I can see keeping your things safe, but locking her out? That is really a declaration of war.

I don't think she is going to get her own place, but we will see.

She is strong willed and is the kind of person that if you tell her she cannot do something she will prove that she can do it, so it will not surprise me if she does get her own place. The question for me is where will that be?

A couple of questions, Eph.

Did you talk to BIL and what was his reaction?

How could she even afford her own place?

I think now that you'll make her start to see the consequences of her actions (police keeping her from taking items from the house, a lawyer who will fight for custody, no financial support), she and her stubbornness will begin to crack. She can't believe you are going to these lengths. You were supposed to just bend over and take it!?!