Just feeling alone, bitter, and angry right now. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders right now. I feel like everything is all my fault - the state of our M, the A, now the pending separation. I am starting to feel doubts about going through with all this. The rain and gloom outside today doesn't help either.

Writing out the history of our M for the lawyer so it can be used against my WW at some point is really difficult. I just need to keep in mind I am facing a WW (the alien) and not my real W. It still hurts.

Go out and do something for yourself today.

I thought my marriage was over back on 11/8. I actually set up the appointment with the lawyer, and was ready to withdraw the $1000 retainer. God works in mysterious ways. Leave this in His hands.

Eph,

Let me make this easier for you right now. I have been where you are. Dealing with a woman whose actions, words, language, morals, etc I did not recognize. This woman was nothing like the woman I married and had children with. I had to finally come to grips with this during the D and custody/financial hearing. YOU have to do this now!!

AT THIS POINT, she feels nothing for you. She hates that you have ruined her little affair fantasy w/ reality, she hates herself, she hates life, she is bitter, angry, guilt riddern, and it IS YOUR FAULT. See, it can't be her's or she would have to look in the mirror, confront herself to who she's become, come back to you apologize to you and the children and the OM and his family for becoming an adulteress. She would want to work on your M, get help for herself. She can't do that so it has to be someone's fault that she finds herself where she is. Mostly IT's YOURS (in her mind).

She will not play nice and neither will her lawyer, mine didn't. It is up to you to use that anger, bitterness, frustration, etc as energy to fuel your fire for your case. My attorney told me in court "Don't feel sorry for her, she wouldn't and doesn't feel sorry for you. Watch her actions."

As MM said, 1. No alimony, prove adultery there will not be any, 2. Ask for FULL legal and physical custody of children with her having visitation, GET your case together here.. 3. No one of the opposite sex who is not married or kin around the kids 4. Go for a fault divorce, adultery 5. Settle for nothing less than 60/40 split of finances, She did this not you. 5. Keep the home for the children's stability 6. Ask her to pay legal fees 7. Name OM in divorce papers

Eph, I promise you that some day your WW (and mine) will rue the day they did this BUT IT IS NOT NOW!!! For now you have to be ruthless and factual and composed for your kid's sake. LET her experience the consequences of her decisions and leave her to GOD. USE these feelings to be productive in developing your case and working with your attorney.

Well I have been doing stuff for myself the past two weeks. It's time to make the preparations for the battle ahead. It is in God's hands, but he calls me to be actively involved no matter how much this hurts to do.

What really sucks is being in the house alone with so many reminders of the wife and kids. I would rather that she was here with all these reminders staring her in the face. Maybe then the light would come on.

Eph,

Read what I wrote above. There will come a time and day when SHE see's clearly. Whether she will desire to do the right thing at that point or whether she's even capable or not, we will see. You may have already moved on, who knows?

But, right now, trust me there is little that help her see through the fog short of letting her go, protecting you and the kids from this alien WW person and letting OM or someone else meet her needs other than being able to fall back on you to do it. (i.e. cake eating)

Like JIM said do something fun for you today.

So have you picked out some paint colors you like, removed personal property, laid out painters plastic and that crappy blue tape.

You don't have to do much of the job itself right now...just the set up.

It's a good Plan A activity anyway to keep you busy, productive and making the marital home your own...whether you sell it or keep it.

Mr. Wondering

Just trying to line up some assistance with child care so I can tell my attorney my plan and be able to get at least 50/50 physical custody if not outright 100% custody. I am on the way to talk with some friends of ours about this. Please pray that this would work out.

Yeah, I am really thinking about the paint thing. I could at least start on DD3's room.

Oh, I am really getting the impression that my attorney may not be the pit bull type. When I told him I wanted to get at the minimum 50/50 physical custody he made some comment about how that could be hard to do. We meet on Wednesday and if I don't have a good felling then I will look for someone else. Problem is I need to move quickly.

You need a new attorney.

Hard to do my rear end!!!!!!!!! Your cheating WW is having an affair, exposing the children to immorality, abandoning the family, using poor and impulsive judgement and worse and it's going to be hard to do!!!

It his attitude doesn't get better than I would get someone with a track record of gaining custody for fathers.

What state are you in?

He's in SC of all places. That has to be one of the best states for this type of situation.

Not sure the situation in SC but in DFW aree there is a growing legal specialization for father rights in custody cases especially in cases of WW. Apparently the market is growing here. I hear quite of few ads on the local radio and tv stations.

You do have to be somewhat careful of those advertising "Men's rights" lawyer shops.

Some of them are strictly "rip off men with false promises while we take them for all they are worth" shops. Handling men's custody and divorce claims and successfully winning men's custody and divorce claims are two separate matters. Many of these shops are just good at advertising, getting clients with brave promises or assertions and then handing the case off to a lowly paid associate whose primary goal is padding and/or attaining his "billable hours" goal. Success to them is measured in "billable hours" and "paid for billable hours".

One clue...they will be accutely interested in how much money you have available for the fight. Now most attorneys want to be certain they will get paid but these attorneys will zealously attempt to ascertain exactly how much they can extort from you over the next few months as opposed to just asking for a good retainer and leaving it at that.

Another sign...the promise to be contentious. A good pit bull fights like a pit bull for your rights and vigorously defends you. A bad attorney is just a big ole jerk to everyone on the other side such that the whole case costs more to everyone. The bad attorney will fight over every stupid detail whether it's important or not. He or she will then spend/waste a great deal of time arguing, debating, discussing irrelevant issues merely to ring up the bill.

Sometimes it is a fine line. Just remember...your attorney works for you. He/she is not your true friend however they are the best friend you've got in this process. Your relationship should be nearly ALL business, don't run up the clock taking about the weather and his/her golf game. Keep lists and minimize phone calls by having several questions lined up for ONE call as you will be billed for 30 minutes per call at least no matter how long you talk (which takes into consideration they must pull your file, make notes of the phone call, add to their "to do" list).

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

I don't think this is the type of attitude you want from an attorney who is representing you. I would rather hear "why not go for more" from him.

Eph, where in SC are you? PM me I might be able to help.

Yes you definatly need a new attorney.

I had (stupidly) left my house to my WW and son when I first met with my attorney, and to my suprise after our first conversation, he said he would get me back in my house with my son. I was incredoulous, but 2 weeks later I moved back into my house and my WW left.

Also,talk to your PI. Many of the experienced, professional, PIs are quite knowledgeable of the who's who among family court attorneys in their respective community.

Very good points you bring up - side note: I noticed that the law profession is what keeps the yellow pages in business. Its incredible the number of pages. Good tip on how it works from the inside - as always Buyer Beware.

PKM,

PMs don't work here. You can e-mail me at martinst@charter.net and perhaps we can arrange an offline talk over the phone. I am in the upstate.

I will probably call around on Tuesday to see what other lawyers have to say about the situation. I agree I would have preferred a more aggressive or positive response.

eph, sent you an email.

well I did work out an arrangement for childcare so I should have that base covered now.

Okay, well keep writing everything down. If your laws are like the laws in California, the children's best interests will determine the outcome.

They will most likely look at things like daycare, each parents plan to let the children spend time with the other, any backup help that is available.

I think you are going to do okay if you document the tries and number of days where you tried to see your kids. I don't know your schedule, but put down something like the kids will be with you Monday through Friday, and with her Saturday and Sunday.

Also, I don't think that the court will allow the kids to be moved out of your state.