Need some advice today:

With everything going on as I have described I have lost some focus on my plan A initiatives. Her leaving with the kids has left me with little to no chance for direct interaction. I am working on myself, trying to make changes as necessary, but I am not getting the opportunity for showing the fruits of my labors. I guess I am needing some tips for how to show WW the carrot of plan A, while still working the legal aspects behind the scenes.

You might have to wait till you are exchanging the kids back and forth between you to work the carrot side of Plan A.

~ Marsh

Well I finished the story of my marriage to give to the lawyer. Yuck! Having to remember anything about the A just pisses me off, but then I tell myself that she chose it.

Please keep me in your prayers tomorrow as I meet with my lawyer. I need wisdom to know whether this lawyer is the right one for me to get through this fight, and if he is that I can get custody of the kids. Maybe that will rock WW's world enough to clear the fog.

IT may or may not rock the WW's mind set. Mine lost custody of our two year old son and was chastised by Judge about having our Step Daughter around this man and the day after court took this very SD and went on a weekend vacation with this loser.

The meeting with the lawyer went well. The battle (unfortunately) is on now.

I am really having a hard time separating my mindset between continuing to implement plan A and engaging in these legal matters to protect my family. Any words of wisdom?

Real simple. Let the lawyers do divorce and don't talk about agreements or anything else with WW. You do marriage and if at any time she wants to re-consider M then tell her that you are open to discussing it with no promises.

You are right! It is all out war now! Let the Lawyers do war and you do marriage if the situation arises. Apologize nor explain anything to WW. She will not get it no matter how much sense it makes. She is too fogged out. Let her attorney explain her position to her. Lay low, don't LB, DJ, don't let your anger control you, you control it. She will try and make you feel guilty, she will run the gamut of emotions and play to yours. Remember she is being manipulative.

Hang on as it will be a tough ride but one your didn't ask for but must take for your children and yourself.

God bless,

I talked to the WW tonight for the first time in nearly a week. We actually had a civil conversation. I expressed interest again in getting together to exchange Christmas presents - she said she would think about it and get back to me. Well that is more promising than in the past.

Anyway she wanted to talk about the whole separation thing and I said I only want to talk marriage and reconciliation based on MB principles and the lawyers will talk separation and divorce. And before we can even do that there ABSOLUTELY has to be NC with OM. She said she already did that and I said it has not been done completely.

She asked how can I love her after all I have done (coming back home ,calling police, etc). I said I am standing up for the family and our marriage and not letting it be destroyed. She asked why do I love her and I said because I made a commitment to love you for always and that she is the mother of our kids. We deserve the best and our kids deserve the best - that being that we are in love again and meeting each other's ENs and we are a family again.

I asked her if she wanted to come back and work on the marriage and she said "I don't know." Well, that is a lot better than "I hate you" I guess. I told her the door is open for her at any time and that I have not given up.

I thought a few times she was fishing for info that I had regarding our upcoming court date, but I stayed out of engaging in that conversation and kept coming back to I wanted to talk marriage building.

Our court date is Monday so maybe God has something in store for us this weekend. I hope and pray he does. Please keep us in your prayers this weekend that things might go well.

It's so inspiring to see the successes of others here and I want to be a part of that success as well.

Sounds like you maybe caught her on a good night. Meaning a night between fixes of OM. She may have been out of contact a couple days as she is far away at your in-laws. Anticipate the fog rolling in again when she does get her next fix.

I'll be praying for you this weekend and monday. I hope the Judge takes the time to consider the facts fully, avoid gender bias and protect those kids from your WW. This is not a vindictive hope...I truly wish the kids could be with both of you in a loving and fully recovered marriage; however, until then, it is my belief that a wayward wife is an unfit place for children.

Godspeed,

Mr. Wondering

Yeah, she made some comment about how she is really able to do anything with him while she is at her mom's.

Nonetheless, I want her to know that I am not running away from this, that I am actively involved, that I am pursuing her, that she (the W, not the WW) is worth fighting for. All this without LBing of course.

Our marriage is worth it.

I think you did GREAT!

You were the lighthouse.

I see so much change in you since you first got here.

Your willingness to grow and step up to the plate and fight this monster called A is awe inspiring.

It really is.

And you're right, this board is filled w/ heros and heroines who are fighting the good fight!

~ Marsh

Great responses, and great job! She is seeing that you no longer are a doormat. She was confused by that behavior. She didn't know if it meant that you still loved her, or you were trying to punish her. You cleared that up for her, but now she needs to trust that. See, she is not totally committed to separation and divorce. You have 1 whole year of legal separation before divorce is even an option. Yeah, 2007 may be a rought year, but you are accomplishing a lot. She RESPECTS you now. She didn't know that Eph had it in him. You clearly defined your marital boundaries. She sees how much keeping the children away from you is affecting them, and it pulls at her conscience.

Pat yourself on the back, Eph, this is a very positive step. But remember, that you are still using the stairwell on the Empire State Building, so there are many steps to come.

As always I appreciate everyone's encouragement. This is about the only place I am getting that right now and it instills confidence in me.

To all the heroes and heroines here: Thank you!!

While I was out having fun, WW called tonight and left a message about getting together. I called her back and she said she wanted to get together after the "thing" on Monday (i.e. our court appearance). I took the time to tell her a little how I feel:

Me: Where do you want to get together?
WW: What do you want to do?
Me: I want you to be comfortable. What will you be comfortable with?
WW: I appreciate that, but this for you.
Me: It's not for me, it's for us.
WW: You may not want to see me.
Me: There will never be a time where I do not want to see you.

then later:

Me: I appreciate you calling me back.
WW: Why?
Me: It means a lot to me that you called me back. I miss talking to you. I miss seeing you. I miss being with you.
(long pause)
WW: I don't know what to say.
Me: You don't have to say anything. I just wanted you to know how I feel. I will call tomorrow to talk with the kids since it is late tonight.

I am a little concerned with her wanting to get together on Monday. After things go down and allegations are made by both of us, neither of us may feel like seeing the other. I am praying for God to do something big here. We need him in a big way.

Putting on the full armor......

Stay the course. Like Bob Pure says, this is a "hero's gig".

You are doing what needs to be done for your daughters, and stepping up to the plate like a man. We don't see too much of that around here.

My prayers will be with you and your family.

Monday may be her wanting to find a way for her to have you be "friends." Please do not set yourself up for a fall. No expectations.

The best thing to do is to just listen...and then repeat your mantra. Then come back here and we can help you figure out what is what.

I do think she has glimpses out of the fog. And that is good. But the fog rarely gives up that easily. So, you have more work to do.

Also...when you meet after the court thingy

Don't forget that you can hide behind your attorney.

Meaning...you didn't say anything at the hearing

You didn't tell your attorney what to say...you merely directled him to protect your legal rights to the fullest extent of the law and NOT involve you too much as you are busy concentrating on working on yourself (being a better father, husband and individual). You may even feign some sympathy like "Gosh, my attorney was a bit over the top when he said X,Y & Z...I'll maybe try to back him off a bit". Don't go too far such as apologizing for him or yourself (other than a "I'm sorry you feel that way but I never wanted to be here/there in the first place")...because it's not your fault. Remind her she can drop the whole thing and come home to you IF she's willing to give up OM.

Mr. Wondering

p.s.-MM is right...the meeting is much more likely to be an attempt by the WW to buddy up and normalize this divorce all friendly like. No biggie...it still gives you the opportunity to Plan A her...finally.

You both make excellent points.

I thought about the whole "friends" thing. She keeps coming back to doing this whole thing civilly and as adults. Yeah, I can do that, but what I cannot do is accept that she wants to break up our marriage. I am willing to be open and honest with her, but I will discuss nothing about the case - only how to rebuild our marriage.

I also have thought about how to insulate myself from what the attorney says. I have told her that I only want to talk about building a new marriage, and that the attorney will do the separation and divorce stuff. However in her mind, since I am providing the info to the attorney then everything is from me also. I know that I am just defending the marriage from this attack.

Hmmmm, just talked to the kids and in a round-about way found out that they and WW are no longer at her mom's but are living somewhere else. I did not push to find out - it will come out soon enough.

But now I can see why she wanted to come here rather than take up my offer to meet at her mom's.

Are you sure that they are not staying at OM's home?