Mort,

I know you'll back me up on this because you talked to him to, but the first time I talked to Eph he was a mess and COMPLETELY paralyzed by fear of his WW. A couple of times I wanted to smack him with an MB 2x4. How many times did he have to move back in before he finally stayed? I think you have finally got it, Eph, and we don't have to worry about you any more. You'll stick to the plan. We'll just be here for some questions now and then and to offer our continued support. I'm proud of you, man!

All true Jim. And the thing that Eph needs to learn the most here is the knowledge that the Lord is right there with him. He need not fear! Eph plus Jesus equals a majority! No judge, no WW, no OM...no one can stand in the way of a man doing God's will. Sure...bad things happen along the way. And sometimes, it looks like a loss.

But Jesus made promises to the Christian. And He never breaks them. So...Eph...as you pop that cold one and take that big sigh of relief...look back over this and you will see the fingerprints of the Lord all over you.

I wanted to add something to my last post...somethign from, I believe it was in Franklin Graham's book.

But the story goes that there once was a lady (Kurd) who was in Turkey and trying to get her very sick son into a Turkish hospital. Outside the hospital, Turkish soldiers with weapons kept her from entering. You see, it was said that Kurdish people were not allowed to use that hospital. The woman was frantic.

Along walked an American soldier...with no weapon. Just that flag on his right shoulder. He saw what was going on...walked up and took the child in his arms...and pushed thru the armed Turkish soldiers and took the child into the hospital.

Now, I want to tell you...THAT is power. To be in another country and to be unarmed and to be able to do that...that soldier must have had some unseen power behind him. Right?

Same goes for the Christian. when I walked into the second court hearing this past summer, even though I had done my homework and given my attorney a good case...I came into that courtroom with my hands empty. I sat in that chair, feeling the presence of the Lord. And I again realized the power that I had by being one of His. By having that "Cross" on my right shoulder.

No one...not the judge, not my wife...had power over me that day. satan could pull all of his tricks. But in the end, he was just left frustrated!

Too often, Christians (including myself) forget the power we have. In Africa, when a tribal leader wanted to send a message to another tribal leader in another tribe, he would send a messenger, who would carry the leader's staff with him as recongnition of who he represented. Now, did that messenger have power on his own? Of course not. he was just carrying some old stick. but that stick represented something...it represented someone of great power.

Those that call on Jesus as Lord have the Lord's staff to carry with them. And as we walk through life, we can be recognized as on a mission from the great Leader Himself. We carry all the power as if we were Jesus Himself.

It is a very humbing experience when a Christian finally realizes all of this.

OK, today was a strange day. I got the kids ready and took DD3 to the lady who is helping me out temporarily and took DS5 to school. I talked with the lady who is over the school program about what is going on and what the situation is for now - she appreciated being told that so they could make sure DS5 is OK. I felt good about all this.

Then as the day wore on I felt doubts creep in about what has transpired and if I was capable as a single father to care for my kids. I prayed about 30 mins on this and felt relief for the rest of the day.

WW came over tonight to bring me more of the kids stuff, clothes, medicine, etc. We finally got to exchange Christmas presents - mainly gifts for her from me and the kids. I could tell she was not too into it and I think she did it for the kids. One of the gifts from me was the book Power of a Praying Wife - maybe she won't read it but maybe she will (I also have a copy of HNHN to give to her at some point with the EN questionnaire already printed out).

After putting the kids down I asked her if she read my letter I wrote - she said she wasn't here to talk about us. I asked her about her living arrangements and if there was anything I could do to help. She said "Find me a 3 bedroom house." I mentioned an apartment might be a better short term solution and quicker to get and she said "I don't want it to be used against me that I am in apartment." I told her I would not do that, but of course she brings up how I "used" things in court to get the kids away from her. She even asked if I was willing to let the courts decide who should get the kids. I first said I would rather that she was home, but then said I would like nothing better than for us to be able to do decide ourselves and that I would love to be able to keep the shared custody arrangement. She of course said that was only reasonable if she lived in the same city. (Internal thought - so you (WW) need to think about staying here then).

And then I felt the doubts creep in again. This woman is trying to make me feel bad for standing up for our marriage and our family. I know she is hurt - I felt the same hurt for 3 weeks, and especially on Christmas day, when I was not able to see our children. She said something along the lines of she wished she had really done something (I assume really had PA) to make it all worth it. So here I am feeling bad about having the kids, doubting if it was right to fight for them, and doubting if anything happened with OM. Regardless, I know there was an EA and she cannot deny that. So I get on here and read all these responses from everyone and chase the doubts away again! I meditate on God's promises again and chase the doubts away again!

She wanted me to think of this same scenario as if my DD were in it and what would I say to her as her father if her husband were doing what I was doing (again, as if what I am doing is wrong). I did not have a good answer at the moment, but after thinking about it I would now have to say my response in that case would be "DD, God does not believe in divorce and I cannot recommend that to you myself. You need to do whatever it takes to engage with your husband and work out the issues. Pray for your husband. God will bless you for that. Do not talk with OM ever again, and don't allow yourself to ever fall into an A again. Run from that."

So basically where WW and I are is she does not trust what I say and I do not trust what she says. How can I help us get over this hurdle as part of my plan A? As long as she is a WW I guess I trust nothing from her? And honesty is one of her top LBs she said I engaged in......

One day at a time I guess.

Also, should I extend an olive branch by helping WW to get an apartment? After all, her lawyer (after quickly speaking to WW) is the one who offered that she would be back in town by this weekend. She has no income except for my CS payments that will kick in next week.

I suggest not doing anything that minimizes or shields her from the consequences of her choices. She wants to live outside the marital home? Let her find her own apartment.

Listen to MIM....

She made this bed and she can unmake it. She is still foggy and wayward. YOU did this, YOU did that.....What about what she's done, continues to do, won't stop doing...

She is still acting entitled and selfish. Not very good mother material right now IMO.

You can do this if you believe in yourself. You do what you need to do and do the right thing and don't expect WW to notice. IF she does then great and if not as noodle says "never shield anyone from the consequences of THEIR deicisions".

Be there as the lighthouse, the lighthouse doesn't bend over and pick up the waffeling ships in the sea, the lighthouse stands tall and steady and beacon's the ships in the turbolent sea the way to the safe harbor.

be the lighthouse and make the home the safe harbor.

Don't pay for anything don't suggest anything that is opposite to what you desire... I feel the same way should I fill my wifes gas tank... no because the money she saves she uses to buy plane tickets to see OM.

Keep up the good fight

Eph -

Right after the Lord's victory, Satan is back whispering in your ear. You have to believe that it is good and honorable to stand up for your family. It will be hard for a bit, but will work out.

Don't help your wife. I do believe she is having an affair. There is no other explanation. You having custody of the kids is a wake up call for her.

Continue being a good father. Pay her the money you owe her for child support, and let her stand on her own. She has a place in your family, and she knows it. Let her make that choice.

I don't think you are going to have to be a single dad for long. I have confidence that she will be back.

Eph,

You had a slight fall here. How? Well, you engaged her in divorce talk. Talking about helping her with an apartment and the like.

If you want your marriage to make it, then you are going to have to stick with the mantra that you wrote above for the hupothetical with your DD. ONLY TALK MARRIAGE! Okay?

She wants a divorce...then she deals with your attorney. She wants to talk family and marriage...then you are the man.

Another thing...change your mantra slightly. When you talk of the marriage...say "family" instead. Such things as "of course we all want you home...back as a part of the family." She has to get more alone, Eph. She has to feel like she is losing everything...giving up not only you...but her right to be a part of this family. It is a package deal!!

You need to concentrate on Plan Aing when you can...and the rest of the time is getting things as setlled as you can for those kids. They have been thru a bad time here, and you need to give them stability now. At the same time, this needs to happen to get you in a better position for the final order if it comes to that. Her attorney is going to try to get her a place (good luck with no money!) and to get her better prepared for the next round. You must stay ahead of her! Far ahead. Dont rely on her for anything when it comes to the kids...you must do it all yourself!!

You can do this. I know...I have been there, done that! I didt know at first if I could do it. I now am a pro at it. And I am closer to my kids than I ever would have been if this had not happened. Take this time to get to know them better. You will never have this kind of time with them again!

You have done good! Dont apologize! Just dont talkdivorc stuff, dont save her from the consequences of her actions (As was said above)...and dont lose faith!

Eph,

Did you offer to let her move back in w/ you?

~ Marsh

Eph,

I found your thread throuh Vikings. Both of your stiches sound so close to mine. I laughed last night at the begining of your post how your wife went "private" keeping her purse and cell phone close by. BING my wife still sleeps with hers. I havent found an A though. I just submitted my finacial info and waiting for a court date unless she wants to drop the D. I still stand commited to the M but it is hard some days. I know.

Congrads on the victory. It made my day. I don't feel so Alone. I can see God is watching over you and you have him in your heart. I have DD 4 1/2 and DD 3 so I know that pain too. Be strong for them and be the best father you can. They need you.

Marsh - Oh, yes. I have said many times I want her to come home. I have the kids home, now I want her home. I look at it as a 2/3 victory right now. When I pray with the kids at night, we pray that God will bring mommy home.

MM - Good points. Yes, you are right I did talk divorce when talking about her living arrangements. I was looking at it as being helpful but it is helpful to her situation and not the family as you put it.

LBH - Yes God is watching over me and i give Him the victory. But like believer said above, Satan is whispering in my ear. So I repeat what I told MM in his thread - There is power in the name of Jesus Christ!!

Eph -

The worst thing that can happen between a wife and her husband is for her to lose respect for him. Your wife now has a heads up that you are a husband and father to be respected. That will help more than any plan that MB has.

Hang in there, stay the course.

You know one thing about my wife. I don't know if she is having an affair. I do know she wanted to run away to her family and take the kids. Maybe she just doesn't love me any more. She did tell me I can stop the divorce by agreeing to move away with her. Is it just because she can't leave the state with them? Kinda feels that way. As we move further toward the actual D she seems to tell me to stop the D and move. But still won't work on the M. As she see's she won't be staying home with the kids because she will have to go to work and share joint custody she seems to rethink the D. But maybe that is just an inconvinience to her and she still doesn't love me.

My point is this Let your wife make her own choice to D if that is what she wants. But let her know she has to OWN that decision. Mine won't, blames it on me. Let your wife find her own living arangements. Let her be responsible for herself. If she commits to the marriage then you work together.

believer, I think she had lost respect for me over the years.

In many ways I think she compares me to her own father and some things he did. But he walked away when the crap hit the fan. He never took a stand for the family. Whether she wants to admit it or not, I have. Maybe it scares her to see me act this way.

Often women DO compare their husbands to their fathers. They also tend to marry men like their fathers.

Please trust that you are doing the right thing. MM will probably disagree, but it is UNUSUAL for a man in our society to stand up for his family in circumstances like yours. But having a man they can respect is something that all women crave.

You can be pleasant to her, and not throw it in her face. But let her know that the family goes on, with or without her.

I just have to add this because I think it is cool.

I mentioned WW was here tonight and we exchanged Christmas gifts, most of them being for WW. Well, we still had a gift for each of the kids from WW and I, as well as my gift from the three of them. The gifts for the kids were new Bibles, and my gift was also a new Bible (The Message). WW even had my name printed on the front of it.

Well I just walked past the guest room downstairs and noticed (in the dark mind you) that something was missing from the desk - WW's new Bible (also The Message) the kids and I had given her for her b-day back in October. I think she might have taken it to church twice and it has been in that room ever since we gave it to her.

I tell you, through all this my prayer has been for God to first turn her heart back to Him, and then to me. Then I heard someone say on the radio not too long ago "There is no one God cannot reach. There is no one God cannot change."

He has a perfect plan here, folks.

Another day, another wave of doubts.....

DS5 got sick last night so I am at home with the kids today. He had a fever over 100 but it's come down now. How lucky am I that this happens as soon as they come home? Unbelievable.

WW called two times today to see how things are. I told her about DS5 being sick and we discussed if/when I should take him to the doctor. I asked her about stopping by later and told her the door was always open. She said she would call me back later.

I can't remember if I mentioned this before, but since our son was born WW has only spent maybe 5 nights away from the kids. We (her and I) never took an overnight stay away from them. Three nights were last year when she went to KY to see her brother in an opera, and the other two were when we were in the hospital after our daughter was born.

Also noticed today on caller ID that OM called here yesterday from his cell phone. Nothing is going on, huh? Riiiight.

Eph,

Get A photo or something of the caller ID indicating that the OM called YOUR home and save it.

I hope I am wrong on this one but don't be surprised if she takes this new found singleness and runs with it and makes half hearted attempts are showing people she loves and misses the children. I hope not but don't be surprised by it.