Hey guys...

The only thing Eph should be talking to her about is the marriage. Not divorce. Not about her getting a job. not about her apartment. He should not help her physically, financially...nor even with advice...to end the marriage.

Let her fall flat on her face. It is inevitable!!

MM,

I agree and I didn't mean to convey anything other that Eph should be working on the M and let his attorney talk D. BUT I want to make sure that Eph's attorney protects him from anything conjured up by her and her attorney to more favorably posture herself for a court battle should one materialize (I hope it doesn't and Eph has a success story for all to read and learn from).

MIL has been calling asking if we (WW and I) have come to any agreements about custody. I said yes, I want to stay as is for now to let things settle down. MIL is also "worried" about the guardian appointing custody. I told her there is no time limit, that we have a year to sort all this out. It's starting to feel like she is pressuring me on behalf of WW. It's getting old.

We start our new life journey winter classes at church tonight. One of the classes is Divorce Recovery 101 - "This class is for adults who are going through divorce or separation and are looking for comfort,
healing and accountability with others who have been through the painful process of divorce." It's based on the principles of DivorceCare. Even though I am not talking D, I just wonder if this would be a good support group to get into. I need to read up on it a little more today.

Yup. She's trying to pressure you on behalf of WW.

Next time she calls and starts in just thank her for her concern and 'support' but you really have to run.



It sounds like it might be helpful.

~ Marsh

MM is exactly right. Let your wife worry about the consequences of her choices.

You are going through separation, and I think the class would be very helpful. Church recovery classes will give you good Christian support.

Thanks Marsh and B - I like the idea of the class as well. I didn't know if anyone on here had been to those before. Maybe I will post a separate thread on that.

If it is anything like my church, it will be mostly women. So be prepared for that.

Yep, there was only 1 other guy and about 11 women. Very broad age range also.

I think it will be good, give me a chance to speak verbally ( instead of typing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ) I thought of a lot of personal questions I have to help me through my own healing process.

Oh, yeah I almost forgot. This morning when I was moving the kid's car seats from my car to WW's van, I left a copy of HNHN and the EN questionnaire in the passenger seat in the hopes that she might pick it up and read it (I have my own copy as well). Just planting a seed.....

Glad you went!!!! I think it will be good for you, and you will be good for the others.

Funny, as I listened to some of the people talk I was thinking the following to myself:

Do you and your spouse know your ENs?
Do you know you both have a love bank?
Do you LB each other?
Have you read SAA?
You can't change your spouse, only yourself.

I guess I am in deep here <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

But that is wonderful!! You will get support and be able to help the others. Plus you are a great example of taking care of your family through all of this. I'm sure you will be an inspiration, just like you are here.

Eph....Hi, I don't post much here anymore because I saved my marriage and my FWW and I are too busy together!!!

Your story (as do so many others here) ring so true. Mr. W, Mortarman, believer and many other guided me through the toughest parts of my life....and my DW and I are well into recovery and doing BETTER THAN EVER!! Please take a look through my threads below. Skim through it if you don't have too much time, but I believe seeing success stories helps. There are many more success stories out there that aren't "seen" as much on these boards, just due to the fact that the need for advice seemingly diminishes.

Some out there (esp. Mr. and Mrs. W) are extraordinary, and have seeming took it to heart to help save so many marriages. They are gifts from God.

God bless. I'll keep following.
MWIL

Hi Eph -

I haven't posted to you before, but I've been following your thread. I wanted to throw some things in regarding your wife's idea to run an in-home daycare.

It's not the lucrative income she may be expecting. I'm not familiar with SC law, but my wife ran an in-home daycare for 2 years where we live (OR). There are probably 3 "levels" - unlicensed (where you're basically a babysitter), licensed and certified. Getting licensed is pretty easy if you have a home in good condition and no criminal history. There are limits on how many kids you can have when you're licensed, and your own kids count against that limit (IIRC). Certified increases the limits on the number of kids, plus some other things that I don't recall anymore.

Running an in-home daycare (if she's serious about it) is a lot of work - taking care of the kids, doing the paperwork, taxes, etc. The best months my wife ever had only brought in about $2,000 (before operating expenses and taxes), and there were only 3 or 4 of those out of 24. Generally, I'd estimate that the daycare about broke even most months.

If she's looking to do it as her primary source of income, she's most likely in for a shock. It's most likely a way for her to generate some income (without having to get a full-time job outside the home), get time with your kids, and time to see OM. (My wife's A began as an EA as the daycare was winding down, and she actually took 3 days off to see OM where it turned PA).

The negative for you, as I see it, is that it would not positively affect what you're currently paying in CS, and would give your wife a good chunk of your kids awake hours with her.

I hope this helps (or at least is neutral). You're in very good hands here, and getting lots of advice. We're all pulling for you.

MWIL,

Your thread was referenced somewhere and I started reading through it but did not get back to it. I do want to read it all - as I said somewhere above, the success stories of the heroes and heroines here at MB definitely inspire me to press on towards the goal. Thanks for stopping by and please post anytime. I appreciate the input of everyone!


Healingbird,

Thanks for your comments as well. Her idea is along the lines of babysitting - as far as I know she has no plans for getting a license or certification. Her main thing is to stay home with the kids - something we both agreed with in our marriage. But now that she wants to make it on her own I think she is in for a serious dose of reality with regards to finances (the same reality telling me I may have to sell our house and downsize). - thus she wants me to co-sign on her lease to which I plan to say "No way!" She cannot pick and choose how she wants/needs me, it's either all or nothing. My prayers go out to you as you deal with the false recovery.

I think I am starting to reach a place where I realize that if I cannot be her husband, then I cannot be anything else but a co-parent. As I sit here right now, I don't know if I can be friends - it would hurt too much. Maybe that will change in time. Is that wrong? Anybody else dealt with that?

Hi Eph -


That's pretty much the point I've reached as well. I don't think it's wrong - it's a natural reaction to immense pain.

I have told my wife that I want all of her - and I'm willing to put in the time and effort to get there. But if I can't have all of her, I'll choose none of her.

My reasoning is pretty simple. How can I maintain any sort of relationship (beyond that which is required by our kids) with someone who can hurt me as much as she did, when that same person shows no remorse, care or concern for the pain her actions inflicted upon me?

I may still be in the bitter stage - I don't know. Will time change that? Hard to say...really depends on what choices she makes.

But yes, I can understand where you're coming from, and empathize with you. It doesn't mean I won't forgive her - I don't feel that my forgiving her is dependent upon her remorse (a hot topic on the forums at times). I do believe that I have to forgive to move on and heal though.

I do hope and pray that your situation turns out for the positive. You're doing your part and more, so hang in there.

WW signed her lease today without any help from me. I didn't ask for any details on how she did this.

She came over to see the kids a little after 5 and I asked if she wanted to go to dinner with me and the kids. She did not want to go at first, but agreed after the kids asked her several times.

The kids and I talked a ton in the car. Hopefully she sees and hears what she is missing out on and hopefully caught the scent of my new cologne (Cool Water by Davidoff. Sorry Mr. W, no Bulgari Aqua yet)

Tried to make small talk, no R talks. Asked if she watched any American Idol this week (her response was "How?"), talked about DS5 being sick again. She is supposed to be moving into the her new place, but she didn't ask for any help. I guess my message of not helping her do anything that supports separation or divorce is getting through, and I guess I am being strong in giving that message.

I just wish I knew whether she sees any strength in what I am doing. If she does she is not giving me any indication. Funny thing is, her and her mom are the only ones not seeing it. Every one here on MB, my counselor, pastor, friends, me - we all see it. Who knows if/when she will.

I just wish I could see the entire picture.

Oh, and part of me wishes I really knew the true status of EA/PA and if there was truly NC with OM. Does it really matter and what would I do if I knew these things? The end result is she is still not wanting to work on the marriage and I am in plan A. This is why I pray for her every night and have been since October.

She will see your strength and your changes. It just takes time. You are doing very well, with a good Plan A and boundaries.

Good choice. Cool Water by David Davidoff (what a name) is my favorite cologne as well.