I picked up a few others to try as well:

Acqua Di Gio - Armani
Pi - Givenchy

Both highly recommended in reviews here. Let's see which one gets a first response <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well, the kids and I had a great day today. Slept in a little and then did some shopping for some clothes items they needed. Later in the afternoon we went for a walk on a nature trail in one of the local neighborhoods and then went to a local park and did swings, slides, etc. A great time was had by all. I was a little nervous about the weekend but it is going really well. We need to stop eating out so much, though. It's just too easy to do that.

We finally took the Christmas tree down tonight <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

WW got to hear about our great day over the phone when she talked to the kids.

My ALL TIME, knock me over, favorite men's cologne is Fahrenheit by Christian Dior. It doesn't smell that wonderful when first sprayed on, but after about an hour when it settles, it just makes me MELT! OH BABY! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

WW came over today to get stuff from our house to take to her new house. Don't worry, this is all part of the initial division or marital property. I have only agreed to the smaller things like extra dishes, pots, pans, etc. No big stuff yet like furniture and such.

Anyway, at the same time she was here I was meeting with a Realtor to get our home up for sale. I think God will either allow me to sell this thing fast or open a financial door somewhere that allows us to stay here. WW had to sign and initial the paperwork as well. Afterward she was visibly upset and I could see she had been crying. I tried to get her to open up, asking her to talk to me and help me understand what she was upset about. She just said there was nothing to talk about. This is unfortunatley one of the typical responses I get when I try to engage with her - I either get snippy replies, no reply, or "there is nothing to talk about."

When I went up to our bedroom, I saw that she had left on my pillow one of her little wall plaques with I Corinthians 13:4-8 on it. I mentioned before how she had tried to say that the things I have done are not in line with these verses. I talked about this in IC tonight, and I am going to write out how I believe everything I have done IS in line with these verses. I'll post my draft and would love everyone's feedback.

I will say that this is the first time she has left any sort of item like this for me to find since I got a card from her back at the beginning of October when all this mess started. Knowing that, a part of me wants to see this as her reaching out for something or some form of expression of her heart (is that a DJ?)

Maybe she got a dose of reality today - moving stuff out to her new place, me putting our house up for sale, her having to still leave the kids. But then maybe she is finding some kind of strength by being on her own. After all, she took care of finding the new place, getting all the utilities setup, etc. Things she has never had to do and maybe didn't know if she could do - and now that she has done them saying "Look at me, I can take care of myself." Almost as if this whole thing is empowering to her. I would love to her from some other FWWs if this is the case.

So now that she is back in town and we will be doing kid exchanges daily, I can begin to plan A her more consistently.

Skip the letter. Seriously, it will fall on deaf ears. She has to traverse this pit by herself. She is not reaching out to you...she is tormenting herself and she doesn't know why...but you need to allow it to occur.

You did good trying to get her to talk. Maybe she will someday. When she does it will be a diatribe of nonsensical fog babble that you'll need to just listen to and listen some more. You can ask poignant questions but hesitate to offer solutions. Tend to agree. Reverse babble and extend the conversation as long as possible to meet her need for communication. Admire what you can but other than that stay out of God's way and try not to take the fog babble personally (i.e.-stay calm).

Mr. Wondering

Nope, not a DJ. I believe she was trying to connect w/ you too.

If it had been left on the kitchen table or any place else besides your pillow, I'd say she was trying to manipulate you into letting her have the children, as she had attempted to do before...

But, since she left it on your pillow...I don't know...it seems more intimate.



She's not doing these things b/c she wants to "grow as a person." She's doing them b/c she's been forced to. If she could have stayed w/ her mom, she'd have been perfectly happy.

I seriously doubt she's feeling "empowered". Nobody wants MORE responsibilities. She wants more FREEDOM. Responsibilities are only going to curb her freedom and make her question what she gave up w/ you.

~ Marsh

The letter is more for me so I don't get the deer in the headlights look whenever she brings it up. However, I feel like God is tugging on my heart to give it to her as a way of showing that I am making attempts to love her as He loves her. I need to pray about this.

Marsh, regarding my "empowering" comment - the reason I say that is because I can remember several instances in our marriage when she made comments about not having experienced life before getting married, i.e. living by herself, working, etc. So by her being "successful" in what she is doing I could see how, in the short term, she could see it as empowering. However, I agree that she wants freedom and more responsibilities will definitely make that harder.

BTW, I would be interested in hearing your (or anyone else's) comments on the letter she wrote me that started all this. I wonder if I can scan it and attach it somehow. I'll check on that.

Oh. almost forgot. She still has not said anything about me leaving HNHN in the van last Friday. Maybe she is reading it, maybe she threw it away. I figured if she was going to get pissed about it she would have just given it back and made another snippy comment. I'll give it a few more days and then ask her about it.

Hey Eph,

Mr. W had great advice!

Here is my view on your wife's actions with the plaque, etc. And it has to do with a conversation I had last night with my wife.

She told me that she has thought long and hard about "why" she decided to call me back in October and try to come back. She said the biggest reason was the kids and how I had stepped up. Now, mind you, I had been doing the same things for the past 4 years with the kids. But here is why she noticed now.

She said after court this past summer, she figured that I was going to have to work all week, and then have my weekends full with the kids. She thought this was perfect for her, as it would leave her weekend open for her. But she also didnt believe I would do it. She believed that I would leave the kids with my mom or whatever...and head out on some weekends to go out with friends, date, or whatever.

But, she said, I didnt do that. Every time she called to talk to the kids, I was there. Many times, she called and didnt reach us...as we were out doing something. So, in October, she called and found out that the kids and I had headed out bowling. And that's when it clicked.

She told me last night that she just got off the phone and thought "He really is totally interested in our kids. He is spending all of his time with them. No matter what the Troll or any other man ever offered me...they couldnt offer me that. No one was ever going to love my kids the way he does."

With that, she began this process of thinking about me and the other things I offered. And it was at the point where we first really started talking back in November and December, that she realized that she had everything she needed and wanted all along.

But, Eph...that did NOT happen over night. That took months and months of continually showing her who the real Mortarman was (is). You see, she could tell herself while we were together, that all my attention on her and the kids was due to me "faking it" in order to stop her from leaving. But, once she was gone...in her mind, she didnt understand why I continued my behavior and attention with the kids. For some reason, it didnt make sense to her (I say this because I have always been a good Dad...but in the fog, they dont remember that!).

So, my point is this. As Steve told me, and I have told you before...the greatest asset to your marriage is those kids. They are a tether to you that she cannot break. The fact you have custody will keep her in contact with you...and with her living with the consequences of her decisions.

That is why you need to step up and be "super Dad." I'm not talking about anything outrageous. I am talking about taking charge and showing your wife a man that will take care of her kids, raise them the way the two of you had intended...and do so with no help from her. And my call is to say little about your time with them. If you tell her, it will look like you are trying to manipulate her. Instead, you just do it without telling her what has gone on at home (unless she asks). And let her live in the silence of her new apartment and wondering how you all are doing.

Of course, the kids will let things leak when they are over there. "Mom...guess what? Dad took us to the zoo on Saturday!" "Mom, look at the necklace Daddy bought me." "Mom, you want to read a few chapters of my new book with me? Dad and I have already read up to here."

And so on.

To talk with my wife now out of the fog, is to really understand what happened and what she saw while in there. Much of what you do and say is so skewed by the time it gets into her head, that it doesnt even come close to representing reality.

I wish I could tell you that you will hear a large "popping" sound today as her cranium disengages from her waste disposal unit...but that aint how these things work. It will take time...and consistent work on your own to permeate that thick fog. Remember, one screw up may kill off weeks of great work. You really do need to have your emotions in check and stay on message.

Finally, I will say that there is a second reason to really delve into your Daddy role right now. And it is because you will never have this kind of time with them again. Later, if yoru wife comes back, you will be spending time with her. Or if you divorce and remarry you will be spending some of that time with your new wife.

But, right now...they have 100% Dad. You will get to know these kids like you would have never gotten to know them before. And them knowing you. So, count that as the positive side of this awful mess. That you and your kids will become closer than ever possible before.

And in the end...your wife will notice.

What a beautiful post, especially the last part.

Quite a day today with my own rollercoaster:

Driving into work today I heard the song "When God Ran" by Phillips, Craig, and Dean, and I broke down crying thinking of how much God loves me and that he would run to me when I turn to him. It got worse when I mentally changed the words to "When My Husband Ran" and I pictured myself running in the same manner to WW when she decides to come home and become a FWW. That picture is frozen in my head now - me holding her tight and swinging her around, and me saying "My wife has come home. Don't you know I still love you."

WW called several times about small things at her place - main thing was the heat did not work (she stayed with her mom last night) and someone was supposed to come and fix it during the day and she needed blinds for the windows. She called later and said the heat was working and could I come and help her get the blinds up. I had to pick the kids up there anyway, so I figured I would show some love and be a handyman. I also took her a dozen roses to give the place some color, and I have a thank you card to give her in which I want to write something like "I don't want to just meet a few of your ENs some of the time, I want to meet them all all of the time."

Well it turns out the heat still doesn't work there and I could tell she was extremely frustrated by that. She got short with the kids, was sitting on the floor next to a little space heater, looking really sad all by herself. I offered her my jacket, but she just tossed it aside. The kids and I had a ball talking about their day and they helped me with the blinds. WW is staying with her mom again tonight. She did actually thank me for my help as I was leaving. I sent her a TM later tonight saying "Sorry about the heat not working, I know you are frustrated. Hope tomorrow is better. Drive safe."

After the court date, I have been in more of a mindset to be still and let God do His work, but I pray that He would allow me to play an active role.

Mortarman, thanks for your comments. You are right about being Super Dad now and taking advantage of my time with them now. I see a difference in my interactions with them already. Gosh, I hope my journey has the same destination that yours has reached. Thanks for hanging in here with me.

Session #2 of DivorceCare tonight at church. I felt rather raw after last week's session and probably will again tonight. I'll post an update later tonight.

hang in there

you WILL be ok

Pep

Pep, I know I will make it and God will take care of me. I just want us to make it together. The desire, the need, for my W is SO strong right now - physically, emotionally, spiritually.

I grabbed one of WW's CDs from the van this morning to see what she is listening to - big mistake. Affair music through and through - ex. "Lips of an Angel" by Hinder, "Naughty Girl" by Beyonce, "Far Away" by Nickelback, many others I can't even remember now and some I didn't even know.

That really threw me for a loop all day - feelings of hopelessness, despair, etc.

Tonight in DivorceCare (DC) we were looking at areas of loss we now have in our lives. Just thinking about the loss of a friend, lover, parenting partner, hopes and dreams of our future together - all that down seemingly down the drain right now.

Add all this up - it's been a lousy day and I am emotionally exhausted.

Just thinking about how I am going to respond to WW's requests for my help at her new place. I see it as meeting an EN. I don't view it as enabling because she is already there by her own means. I guess where I am torn is that I am meeting an EN that goes against her being with the family. So confusing right now.

I could use some prayers

Eph - I see the hand of the Lord all over your situation. You got custody, she moved out, her furnace wasn't working. This won't last.

Hang in there and do your grief work in Divorce Care. You have to do it, one way or the other. Even when your wife comes back, there will be a wake of grief.

((((Eph))))

Many are praying for you.

~ Marsh

Tonight I was at WW's house helping rearrange furnitue - meeting her EN for Domestic Support. I took dinner over. I left her a card under the covers of her bed, thanking her for asking for my help (it hasn't been that long that since she told me she hated me)- but I also wrote that I wanted to meet all her ENs, not just one or two.

She is alone every night. She looks miserable, her place is still a mess. She would ask my opinion on where to move stuff - I would give a few options and tell her to do what she wanted to do. In my head I'm thinking it's her place - not the family's. I told her to let me know when she wants me to help again with putting up the blinds, I am waiting on her to come to me, not forcing the issue.

A few things I took notice of:
Her Bible is out (remember the night I noticed she took it)
She has a few devitional books - one of them is by Dobson
I didn't see HNHN anywhere
I did see the plaque I gave her for Christmas with a poem titles "I'd Marry You Again"
I was able to touch her lightly when walking by. Once on the back, once on the arm, (last night I rubbed her neck).

Small steps, baby steps.

She has the kids this weekend, starting tomorrow night. I have already made plans to have some fun myself. But I do need to spend some time cleaning house since the house is on the market.

Holding steady.....

Good job, man. The more and more you meet her needs, the more and more she will open up to you. She is realizing how tough it is to maintain her new place. She is needing you. She's thinking to herself, "hey, Eph ain't so bad after all." She'll realize that OM isn't going to take care of her kids. If you do have to go to plan B, she'll realize all that you've done and how hard it will be to continue on without you. Just be patient, you've got a year. You are doing well identifying the small signs of hope. That is what we BSs need to focus on to keep us going. You are still in my prayers.

Gosh, I hope she is receiving what I am doing. WW gives no indication. That's why I try to keep everyone here updated - this is the only place I get consistent support from.

Oh, forgot to mention a few other things last night. When I was moving her day bed to another room, I told the kids "Mommy and daddy used to sleep on this bed before you were born." I also commented about how I remembered the time when we put the same bed together when we first started dating, and how I knocked myself in the head somehow doing that.

And some irony here - her new place is 1/2 mile down the road from the church we were married in. She has to either drive by it or the church we were going to when she left the house (the kids and I still go there) when she goes anywhere. Do you think God might be trying to get her attention somehow?

Went by WW's place to drop of the kids medicines that I forgot to pack last night. She was in the back of the house while I was in the living room with the kids so I did some quick snooping. Here is what I found:

I saw another cell phone laying on the couch and I suspect it is the one she got from OM that she supposedly gave back. I think it is time to subpoena the phone records and see she is talking to OM while the kids are there.

She is taking notes on me and my care of the children. Even took pics of them looking "tired." When she talked to them last week in the evenings she made a point to ask what we had for dinner.

I asked her about church Sunday morning, if I could pick them up and take them and drop them back off. Her response was "They are with me this weekend." I have no idea if she plans to go to another church in the morning.

I then asked about picking them up Sunday night on the way to evening services (they start at 6pm) and she said that she would be dropping them off at the time church started. I asked could she be flexible and let me pick them up at 5:30 since she had them before the official start time of 6pm on Friday. She said "I don't know" and I said to think about and we would talk tomorrow.

Now this really pisses me off that she would play these games. I guess I should have expected it. It appears to me that she is trying to be vindictive about the whole situation.

Well, before I left I gave her something I bought while shopping today. It was a cute pink sweatshirt with the hand warmer pouch sewn into the front. I told her I saw it and thought it would look good on her so I picked it up for her. Just a small gift to let her know I was thinking of her while I was out.

I am trying to not get bogged down, but this is so hard. It feels like the battle I am in is so much more difficult than some of the others here because she has moved out. I know, it's a marathon not a sprint. It just feels like it is slipping away each day. I miss my wife, faults and all, and it is so hard to not tell her that every time I see or or talk to her.

Just hanging on by the grace of God right now....