Our county only has one school district; however the house she is renting is in a different zone than the marital home (as well as the neighborhood I am looking at moving to) so it's the same thing as being in different school districts.

Just curious - what would be the advantage of this?

I need to go back and review the custody battle 101 for men document.

Bingo, believer. I missed this post last night. Like I said above, she is trying to spin this on me.

Switching elementary schools (even in the same school system and even at the Kindergarten level), is stressful on children. The court would tally that one factor in the "best interests of children test" in your favor. The children need consistency first and foremost. Thus, the court is going to be more likely to maintain the temporary custody order when deciding on the final permanent order, if you ever get that far.

Mr. Wondering

As usual, Mr. W is correct!

Ah, OK. I get that about the schools. A twist here is that he is currently in the K5 program at our church and would go to another school for first grade next year.

One new discovery - in checking the call logs of the cell phones I see that WW has contacted the lawyer who was appointed the guardian ad litem 3 times over the last 2 weeks. Perhaps this is where she is getting her coaching?

I know she wants to accelerate the custody process and was hoping I would give up to her without having to go through the GAL. Since I told her no, that I want to maintain status quo for now and give the kids some stability that they have not had since the middle of December, she is going to play the game of making me out to be the bad parent.

I have a call into my own lawyer to see about my next steps might be and find out if I should also talk directly to the GAL. I really want those phone records and the laptop.

Just talked to my lawyer - of course he echoed the statements already made that I should be taking kids the the dr. Maybe I need to retain all of MB as a collective lawyer - you guys and gals are on the ball. It's true - experience is the best teacher, so ya'll keep teaching me.

He does not want to stir the pot yet with the subpeonas - his idea was to let things settle somewhat after the court date and let us get in a routine (my idea as well). He did recommend to mention my concerns about contact with OM(s) to the GAL when I talk to her.

The GAL definitely has a big say in any final custody order. In many states, the GAL's recommendation is pretty much controlling. She's buttering up the GAL and, assuming your attorney is on board with it, I think you should be strategizing a call to her pretty soon here. If your attorney is against it (remember he works for you), I'd still insist on at least ONE call to touch base with her, offer a few items, and find out if there is anything you could do for her that would make her job easier.

If you wife is contacting her directly...you should too. Your attorney may say he'll call but that may appear you are hiding something behind and hiding behind your atttorney. Like I said...at least one call should be insisted on IMO (remembering I am NOT a divorce attorney and yours DOES know more than me).

Things to offer the GAL:

1. An update on the situation

2. Ask if she has any questions or concerns

3. Ask if you are supposed to be calling her or providing any information to make her job easier...let her decide on how much contact she wants from you

4. Offer her weekly or monthly update reports (and if she accepts make those updates as thorough as possible or just cursory updates so as to not tip your hand completely before any hearings, depositions, etc all the while keeping MUCH more detailed records with you...this prevents WW from ever finding out you are MUCH more prepared than her for the actual dispute)

5. Make certain she has the right cell phone and contact information and that you are available 24/7 for any questions and concerns she may have.

6. To set up a face to face meeting for a progress report (face to face is MUCH better than constant nagging phone calls your wife is making)

7. Invite her over for an inspection/dinner (insuring you'll have other company as well so it's NOT a date) OR just informing her she is free to come inspect the condition of the kids and the home at any moment on a simple moments cell phone notice

8. Maybe ask if she has any questions because your attorney told you that your WW has been calling her and you are concerned that WW is portraying you inaccurately in a negative light. You would appreciate the opportunity to contest or demonstrate otherwise any specific claims or issues about me and the kids that your WW MAY have made.

Your wife is likely calling her repeatedly with little crumbs of "evidence" and/or just trying to find out some of the above type things she can do to change her mind come the final recommendation. You need to counter-balance the same but only with calmness, rationality, and purpose. ONLY the best interests of the children are to be discussed NOT any marital issues (unless the issue is raised by the GAL...see below***). When you call...write "THE BEST INTERESTS OF THE KIDS" on a postcard and keep it in front of your face the entire time.

Mr. Wondering

*** GAL might want to discuss why you are doing some of the things WW is reporting to her. Especially any fighting for your marriage issues which MAY be portrayed to GAL as "not in the best interests of the kids" by WW. You can briefly indicate that you are, in fact, fighting for your marriage and working with one of the foremost professionals in the country, Dr. Harley...in an effort to accomplish just that. Indicate that you feel very strongly that anything you can do to save your marriage is in EVERYBODY's best interest...wife, kids and you. However, the family will and always does come first.

OK, a quick update tonight and then I have to catch up on my other documentation.

I got the official statements from the Dr this afternoon:
Symptoms included complaining of stomach pain (what I already took him in for), tired lack of appetite, no fever

Urine and blood test results due back Friday
He is OK to go to school

God also continues to shine His light of truth on the situation. While I was getting the kids stuff ready, WW was outside. Walking past her dresser, I heard this vibrating sound, like a cell phone in vibrate mode. Her own phone was out in the living room when I walked in, so I slid open the drawer and lo and behold I saw the OM cell phone. I quickly took a picture of it with my own camera phone for documentation purposes. I tried to see who called or pull up a call list but could not get it fast enough before WW came back in. I'll have to try again on that next visit and see if I can snap more pics, but at least I have one now.

Regarding the GAL:

My lawyer is sending over my file to the GAL tomorrow. He said it would not hurt to make a first call to her, but I may schedule a face-to-face initial meeting. I like the idea of trying to make her job easier and not sitting back waiting. He also said I should mention the wording in the temporary order and voice my concerns about contact being made.

Mr.W, I have to say you are like a guardian lawyer-angel sitting on my shoulder. Regardless of what happens, I owe you and everyone else here a debt of gratitude for helping me through the darkest, most humbling, heartbreaking, and gut wrenching times of my life.

To take it further (and this is good therapy for me) - everyone here is becoming like a surrogate family for me. I have not had any contact with my own family for nearly 4 years now. Things got so bad between my parents and my wife and I that I had to literally do as the Bible says and "leave my father and mother," thereby cutting them out of our lives. This of course impacted the whole family because we were the bad guys so basically I have spoken to no one. I tried to keep my one remaining set of grandparents, my kids great grandparents, involved but they too tried to manipulate the situation and I said if you cannot do that then we cannot continue to see you. That was the end of that.

I remember crying my eyes out the night I told my parents I did not want to see them again, thinking that would be the worst time in my life. Little did I know I would be going through all this.

Wow, a lot of hurt in my life in such a short amount of time - cutting off my family and 2 A's (or 1 long one) to deal with. Reflecting back now, it's unbelievable. But I digress....

Eph,

Did you cut off contact w/ your parents b/c of your WW's first A?

Have you thought about calling them now?

Things change...you've changed, they've changed...maybe calling them and just saying "hi" would help ease some of your pain.


~ Marsh

no, WW's first A came after I cutoff contact with them.

I have thought about calling them but I also expect comments such as "I told you so."

With this gaping wound right now I am not ready to open another one up. I have briefly touched on it in IC and she agrees at this time. That day will come, though.

snowed in today for the most part, but the roads are clear enough to drive now. Kids and I played outside and I took some pics. I am thinking of doing something similar to what LilSis is doing - a picture album from the kids and I for a valentines gift to WW.

I had a foggy conversation with WW this afternoon.
Me: Hi WW, would you like to come over for dinner with the kids and I tonight?
WW: I don't think that is a good idea.
Me: Oh? Why is that?
WW: It would be for you.
Me: It would be for all of us.
WW: and it would be for you.
Me: OK. if you need anything let me know.

Wow, I try to open the door for her to spend some time with the family and she turns her back. Unbelievable. or, maybe I should expect that as part of the WW script?

On the home front, I have had 3 showings of our house so far and a fourth one tomorrow, all within 2 weeks. Emotionally I hate to have to move, but financially I cannot afford to stay.

Time for some reverse babble.

Me: Hi WW, would you like to come over for dinner with the kids and I tonight?
WW: I don't think that is a good idea.
Me: Oh? Why is that?
WW: It would be for you.
Me: It would be for all of us.
WW: and it would be for you.

***Eph: Yes I have to eat too. Don't you want to eat?
WW Not with you.
***Eph: Yeah I don't like esting alone either.
WW: I don't understand you sometimes
***Eph: I don't understand this sitch either.

Yes this is what WS do and say.

I wonder if she is a typical wayward who has a high opinion of herself or if she believes that eating dinner w/ you might benefit you in court...

~ Marsh

Sounds very similar to some of the conversations I had with WH; also reminds me of comments that LilSis made about inviting her H to the home, to dine or be with them for movies or superbowl, to be shot down. When working the MB principles, always remember, they're all pretty much the same, when in a wayward state... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

There is a circus in town that I was thinking of taking the kids to this weekend since I have them. I asked her about going to that as well and she was noncommittal. I told her to just think about it and we could discuss it tomorrow.


Marsh, I think the latter. She has struggled with her own self image and her opinion of herself. One of the things she was working on with our IC was dealing with her own self contempt. That's part of why I want to accept blame for this because I did not do anything as her husband to help her in that regard.

What do you mean?

You accept blame for her self image? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

~ Marsh

Well I did mean accepting blame for the state of our M, but thinking about it more, yes, I feel I blame myself for her self image - in the context that I I did not meet her ENs thereby not creating an environment that would foster improvement in her self image. Does that make sense?

I can let myself do that real easy, however I go back to what I saw somewhere on where where it is said that we are each 50% responsible for the state of our M and WW is 100% responsible for the A.

Well, she's responsible for her self image. (That's why it's called SELF image.)

Do you mean to say you didn't meet her EN for admiration very well?

Do you think that is one of her top ENs?

And, yes, you are responsible for 50% of the state of your M prior to the A.

It's good to learn from your mistakes, but not good to beat yourself up over them. You're experencing ENOUGH pain right now w/o adding to it.

~ Marsh

The only thing that blew my self image up was WH's affair, and it took me a while to come back from that WITHOUT having any of my needs met. Even when/if my needs were met, I still had to take care of ME.

You are responsible for 50% of the state of the M, yes, but not the A. You are 0% responsible for that. Playing the blame game with anybody else is wrong, much less by yourself.

About the circus, take the kids, offer it up for the wife, don't push/poke/prod. Take her answer, and then go get some cotton candy and enjoy the show. You know how people say their life is like a circus when it is crazy and hectic and tough. I don't get the analogy...circuses are coordinated, choreographed and, usually, go off without a hitch. Now, life is like a box of chocolates does apply.

In the end, I'll take the circus...

Lots of stuff to update everyone on.

School was delayed 2 hours on Friday from the ice we got Thursday. WW called asking why I was not bringing the kids at the normal time. I told her I was going into work late since school was delayed. She did not like this, and mentioned about not seeing them Thursday. I thought to myself - well, we invited you over for dinner but you declined - not my fault. I just left it - she was baiting me. But then that afternoon I called her to say I would be getting to her house a little later than 5pm (got there about 5:10) and she made a comment about "not being a jerk about the time." I just told her I did not understand what she was referring to.

We talked about the doctor report on DS5 ( I called and got the report myself). He has another UTI and will be referred to a urologist (please pray for that). She said it was a shame we could not trust each other about the care of our kids, and mentioned that I never followed up before. I just said as the primary caregiver I have the responsibility to follow up with the doctor myself now. It's not a matter of trust at all. Of course I had no need to follow up myself when we were on the same team and not divided like this. She also mentioned about UTIs being caused by sexual abuse and actually asked me if I had done anything. Now talk about another knife in the heart!! I told her I would never even think of such a thing, that I had seen first hand the pain and suffering she has been through herself as a result of that.

She again wanted to discuss the custody arrangement, asking why we had to pay someone to determine what is best for our kids. I just said I was prepared for the GAL to do what she needed to do, but thinking to myself that she is probably scared for that to happen because an A could possibly look bad for her, and especially if she is still in active contact. I really feel like I am willing to let this play out and see what God does again - much like how the first court date went.

Well Saturday the kids and I had a blast at the circus. I asked WW if she wanted to go, but she said she had other plans already. Oh, well. her loss. I took some pics to add to the picture book we will make for her.

But then God shows again how he is involved with this. Sunday morning as the kids and I are getting out of the car at church, I see WW walking through the parking lot. She has not been to church that I know of since before Thanksgiving, and I never thought she would even come back to our church. But there she was, and in the worship service the message and the music were right on target today. She did not come to our Sunday school class, and I suspect she went to a singles class - one where no one would know her. But at least she was there.

I am thinking of calling SH this week to update him on things and see what he has to say about going forward.

Another week.....