Regarding WW's comment about DD3 being "home" at her place, I wish now I had said "Oh, I did not realize she had moved out of the family house also."

If this comes up again I will do that.

Sometimes I fell like I am a little too slow to speak, but it's probably better that responsding in anger.

I think I would have said nothing, just like you did. Why? Because anything you said would have been held against you and you know that.

On the other front, I would do nothing to enable her having an affair or being "separate" from the family. Let her pay her own cell phone bill if she wants to call enabling relatives, BF's, etc. A cell phone is a luxuary item, not a neccessity.

Morning! I see that you ARE having a rough morning...I'm sorry to hear this...

IMHO, I think I would just blow WW's little comments off...I know that's hard to do but vent here...any further talk about them and it will create a bigger problem in my eyes...

I do agree that you need to get the key back...something must have happened with her in the past 24 hrs...

Do you think that there was C?

How long have you been in PLan A and did you give yourself a timeline for Plan B?

Also, I think that the two of you are under a lot of stress with DS in the hospital, the tests, A, etc...

I can say that when I was under alot of stress...not that I was right and I am still learning but I would vent it on my H...I know that I was wrong for that...

It got to the point where H was my enemy, I would wake up in the morning and think SO many negative things towards him...if you continue the conversation I feel that you will be giving her reason to do the same thing...

You've come so far in your personal recovery...only you have the power to change your thinking...stop the committee inside your head...focus on the positive...you need your strenght to deal with your son...

DS is more important than WW blowing off some stream, if that's what she was doing...

I pray that your day improves and you get some good news...

Roller coaster

EXPECT bad days to immediately follow anything resembling a good day.

Good days create conflict in her mind and interfere with her addiction. Thus, she punishes you and puts you back in the "I hate him" box. She also doesn't like seeing you hopeful. Hopeful Eph makes her feel worse about what she's doing (which to some extent, deep down, they KNOW they are being crappy). She was more comfortable with you battling her.

As far as the comment...don't sweat it. Saying nothing was the right response. The only thing that MAY have been really great is if your daughter had said "no, mom...this is NOT home".

Mr. W

I would not let these comments go by without some reply.
When you go back to WW's to pick up your child you might say: "you know, WW, I'm not going to let that comment you made this morning, slide by. This is not a home, this is a house. The home is what you chose to leave. Tn fact all of this is a consequence of your choices, Like losing primary custody, for example. Your using the kids as weapons against me was unconscienable".

I hear you BO49. I would like for Eph to do the same (I did correct WW many times) but she will only hear Eph blaming, judging, threatening, controlling, etc.

What he may say is "I'm sorry that you now feel that this is your home. The family's home is in the same location as always and wishes you were there adding to its warmth, have a nice day".


Probablity is that anything will be taken wrong.

Thanks for the comments. Just gonna refocus my day over lunch.

Be back later.

Eph,

I think you ought to pull back some on the affection and love notes.

IMO you'd have done better if you offered to buy her a cup of coffee or something to eat, rather than hug her and tell her you knew how she felt after a day in the hospital.

~ Marsh

I agree with Marsh....no more hugs, kisses, letters, notes, etc.

Kindness but not "gushiness".

OK, I think I have my head on straight now.

hopeandpray:
Regarding her comments, I don't plan to address them directly. I think in this case that no response shows more strength to her. Anything else will be taken wrong and cause more anger and venom top spew forth.

Rinder:
I think you are on the mark about the stress levels for both of us being high with everything that has happened over the last few days, but there very well could have been contact since it was V-Day. I have no way to know right now. I've been trying to do plan A since the end of November, but really gained strength in it in January once the separation happened officially. Just thinking about plan B is scary, but I have in my mind to make it to our anniversary date of June 6 this year.

Mr.W:
Yes, rollercoaster is the word of the day. Two days I considered good, followed by two bad ones. Just wondering (no pun intended) how the party for DS6 will go tomorrow.

Marsh:
I think I am falling into the trap of trying to overcompenste for my lack of showing proper affection. It really goes against my thinking to not do that, especially trying to connect with her feelings, because that is one of my big areas of failure in our M. The hope is that she can see that is an area I am trying to improve on (show her rather than tell her). Does that make sense?

But I agree, I need to tone it down for my own sake. Like h&p said - Kindness but not "gushiness".

In other words, strength instead of neediness.

I think that sums it up in a nutshell.

I DO hope that you have a good weekend with everything that is going on and I'll be praying for your DS.

Gonna call shortly and make that next appt with SH.

Sure.

What are your WW's top ENs?

How do you mean you didn't connect w/ her feelings?

Do you mean, you failed to acknowledge them?

~ Marsh

I think her top ENs are Conversation, Affection, Honesty and Openness.

What I mean by connecting with her feelings is acknowledging them and being able to empathize with them, looking for clues so I could have pretty good idea how she feels, or better yet, just asking her how she feels rather than waiting for her to tell me, just opening the door for her.

Gosh, after writing that is seems so simple. Can it really be?

Let the drama unfold.

Well WW once again started into the whole "home" issue again this afternoon. To prevent confusing the kids, she wants her place to be "Mommy's house" and the family home to be "Daddy's house." I just said the kids aren't confused that the family house is their home also, she said her's was their home too.

Then we get outside and after I have the kids in the car she says something about "so I guess we are having to play this game." I just said that I am not playing any games, our house is just that, and her house is not their home. I then ask her if she will be getting the ice cream for the party tomorrow, she says "Didn't I say that I would?" I said yes, then I got in the car and left.

I had to call her later on to tell her the results of DS6's tests on Wednesday (looks like Vesicoureteral Reflux, or Kidney reflux). She answers the phone with "What?" I explain the situation calmly, tell her we need to make an appointment with the Dr. to get all the details, she just says OK and hangs up.

If this were not so sad it would be funny. I keep telling myself, this is not my W, this is the alien WW.

Just sad.

Yes.."Better yet, just asking her how she feels.."

THAT'S the way you want to go!

Don't try to read her or try to guess how she feels or thinks...ask her!

Assuming to know how she feels is disrespectful, but asking is GREAT!

If she has her arms crossed w/ an annoyed look on her face, it doesn't mean she's angry...she might be cold. So, you ask her, "You look upset, is anything wrong?"

Once she answers you, you can go about trying to meet her need.

If she's angry... LISTEN. And ask questions to keep her talking even if she is saying hurtful things...you are meeting her EN for conversation while demonstrating that she is safe w/ you.

If she's cold, give her your jacket.

If she's tired, get her a coffee.

If she's hungry, feed her...

Those last three, are ways you can meet her EN for affection w/o touching her.



Yup. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

~ Marsh

You're correct, the kids aren't confused. They know where home is.

But, waywards aren't very good w/ reality. They prefer everyone would join them in their fantasy world.

So sad, indeed.

Sorry about DS6...he'll be ok, right?

~ Marsh

We will know more about DS6 next week. Small chance he may need surgery from what I understand.

I am sure somehow I will get blamed for this one....

Interesting that honesty and openess are in the top of her needs. Wonder how she justifies that?

Just to be certain you keep on course there is no "we need to make an appointment". You make the appointment to suit your schedule and then call or email her (for documentation purposes it's better to email this stuff) indicating when YOU made the appointment and inviting her along if she can fit it into her schedule.

Don't give up control or the appearance of relying on her to handle things. You can bet that she'll document that you called her and asked her to handle setting up the appointment because "she usually handles all that kind of stuff"...like she's in charge. She's not, right now. Your only responsibility is to keep her informed and in the loop as a demonstration of your ability to handle all responsibilities as well as a desire to co-parent without being vindictive.

Mr. Wondering