Okay, E...watch out if you DJ her in your mind you're more than likely do it in front of her...

No 2X4...just a word of caution...you've been doing great...don't stumble now.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

E,
After you posted on my thread I had to read up on what is going on with you. Wow you started along the same lines and then it got bad really fast.
May the Lord be with you and your children. I will pray for your family and marriage just like I have been for mine.

Good luck and stay strong

The party for DS6 yesterday was a big success. I had a house full with 6 little boys and 2 little girls and a few parents. It was pretty unstructured - since it was so cold here yesterday they just stayed in the play room most of the time. They also watched the Cars movie. After 2 hours, I think everyone was wore out. I know I was.

It was weird with WW here. She pretty much left everything to me, which was fine. After all, I pretty much planned everything myself, did invitations, etc. She did brings the ice cream and drinks like I asked. Oh, and she did cut the cake because I was so busy with everything else. I had asked her a few days ago if she wanted to do dinner after the party and she said she would think about it. Well I guess she decided that would not be any fun. Overall we had pleasant interactions, which is a change for the better from the last few days.

But it was all about DS6 yesterday and he had a great time!

Church today was very inspirational. The pastor shared a verse from his own quiet time, Psalm 37:7 - "Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him." With this, the music, and the message he preached, I really felt like God was speaking to me today, and I needed that after the ups and downs of the week.

Rinder - thanks for your point about DJing her in my mind. I will be more aware of that from now on. It's so easy, though.

Mr. W - The deal with me making appointments and then telling her has made her mad in the past. She says since we have joint custody that we need to make the decision together (We do have joint custody, but I have primary physical placement. Maybe I have not explained it that way?). I don't want to give her anything she can use to make it out that I am not working together on her on these things. When I said we need to make an appointment, I mentioned we needed to discuss what would work for our respective schedules.

betrayedinCal - thanks for your prayers. I covet the prayers of everyone who will remember me and my WW.

believer - I have no idea how H&O can be so high for her yet she does the things she does. She identified this as my top LB back when I convinced her to do that for me.

That's cool. Just keeping you on your toes. Be careful interpreting her anger. She MAY just be angry because by taking control you are foiling the strategy her and her attorney devised to regain primary custody. IF she makes the actual call to the doctor and sets the appointment AND there is no other documentation surrounding the communications preceeding that call she can spin the story to make it appear she pretty much is in charge when it comes to the kids medical care.

Perhaps send an email tomorrow indicating:

WW, as I told you Friday, we need to schedule an appointment with Dr. abc this week, I intend to call him/her later this morning and set the appointment up for late afternoon Tuesday or Wednesday. Which day best fits in your schedule this week???

Then throw in some Plan A stuff (maybe even state it first as if the medical stuff was an afterthought). Don't want the documentation attempt to be too obvious.

Mr. Wondering

Hey Eph...

Sorry I have been out of the loop for the last two weeks! I injured my back pretty bad last week (better now!!) and plus dealing with that two months of pregnancy for Mrs. MM has been challenging!!

Anyway, you are doing great! And it is very apparent that your Plan A is working. I also recommend less intimacy. Be thoughtful, be nice. But no more cards, or letters, etc. I would even start doing less of letting her know what is going on at your HOME! As things begin to get a little quieter, the silence will be deafening!

On the issue of the word "home..." here is my take on it. WORDS MEAN THINGS! And your WW knows it!! That is why she is saying "Mommy's house" and "Daddy's house." She is trying to indocrinate your kids (and you!) into accepting this verbage. And if you do, then the next step is accepting this situation.

Dont you do it!! Now, you were right to not respond that day. Why? Because she was looking for a fight! So, silence was the right answer in that instance.

But, you need to take every opportunity with the kids, and with your WW, to use "Mommy's place" (notice I did NOT say "House" or "Home")...and refer to your home to what it is...the family home!

She chose to leave the family. Not just you. The family, the family home, etc. It is a package deal!! Please, ALWAYS refer to things in this way.

When you talk to your wife, say things like "well, if you can drop the kids off at home at 4pm, that would be great." Not "if you can drop the kids off at my place at 4pm, that would be great."

Or, here's another...this one with your wife present with the kids: "hey guys...did you guys bring everything you need from home? I hope so. You want to make sure that you have everything you need when you visit Mommy at her place."

Do you see what I am saying? I fought this battle for awhile. My wife was indignant. She thought her place should be referred to as "home" also. But, I did not give in. I had already told her the truth...that she had not only left me, but also the family...and God. All involved (God, me, the kids) will welcome her back with open arms. But make no mistake...she has chosen to leave the family.

I got all the usual WS stuff of "these are my kids too." I just responded "sure, they are your kids also. I didnt say they werent." Thenm the usual response is: "well, we can build a new family together." And my response? "no, honey. God says that isnt possible. All of us already have a family that was put together by Him. All of the people involved in this family want it to stay together...except you. This family will continue."

Stuff like that!

One way you can be ready for this is to have your responses already pre-canned. Already know what you will say to certain WS utterances. Most of them you can read about on here...or you have laready seen them.

Keep up the good work. Keep holding your family together.Do not enable your wife's bad behavior. Do not lend credibility to her poor choices. Just as in the military...NEVER give up the high ground!

WW came over after work to get one of the desks from the office so she could use it at her place. She asked if one of the filing cabinets still opened since the drawer was bent, and I said "Well you were keeping stuff in it so I guess it does." (This was where she hid her newly purchased lingerie back in October/November, plus the printer for the ever mysterious laptop). While I was taking it apart she was sitting at the other desk and I think noticed my collection of Harley books.

I took out a few stuffed bears she and I had made at the Build-A-Bear store a few years back. I think that caught her off guard - she seemed upset at that. I then tried to take her wedding bouquet and her throw bouquet out to the van, and she said something about not having anywhere to put those. Hmmm, is she trying to leave things in our home on purpose? Those are two pretty significant items.

So I grab some dinner to take to her place and we all go over to eat and put the desk back together, then the kids and I come back home to do the nightly rituals. I was taking back a few DVDs she took and she commented that I had given them to her as a gift. I just said "Nope these are mine and I want to watch them."

Something I have noticed also - anytime I see anything that reminds me of "us" I get this sick feeling in my stomach. Even something as simple as getting silverware out of the drawer because that silverware came from gifts at wedding showers. I am starting to feel like I need to remove or hide all this stuff since they are triggers. Just wondering what that might look like to her as a WW - removing her from my life?

Mr. W - I wish I could e-mail her. She has a new addy and won't give it too me. That is suspicious in and of itself. Anyway, she made the appt. and gave me the date so I am cool with that.

MM - sorry about your back. I am glad things are better. And please take good care of Mrs. MM. Yes, the indoctrination has started. DS6 is already saying they have two homes. I just tell him this is our home and leave it at that. Of course I am journaling all this. I am very aware now of the word "home" in all our conversations. I hear you also on the silence - I'll keep that in mind.

My IC said today how she is so impressed with how far I have come in such a short time. She is amazed at my strength, and quite frankly I am as well. God had really done some work on me in these few months. Everyone here has also been a big blessing. She asked why I thought we had such a bad two days last week after two good ones and I said I felt like it created conflict in her mind that we could have a good time and she has to tell herself that I am a bad person to believe it herself and continue being a WW.

Just to touch on the message from Sunday morning because it was so real to me. It was from Matthew 13:3-9 - the parable of the sower, but the pastor said it was really not about the sower but the soils themselves - the hard path, the rocky places, the weedy places, and the good soil. The hard path represents those on whom the message is wasted because their hearts are hardened. The rocky places represent those who make a quick response based on emotion rather than a true commitment. The weedy places represent those who hear and respond, but the response soon ceases to be wholehearted because life becomes packed with too many other things that take priority. And finally, the good soil represents those who bear an abundant harvest. I have to say this parallel marriage so well, and looking back on my own marriage I see that my own soil has been either rocky or weedy. Thankfully the master gardener knows how to make all soils fertile again!

Things are status quo for now. No blow-ups or beginning of arguments the last few days during drop off/pick up of kids, so that is an improvement.

Is status quo an good thing? Seems to me it could go either way.

We meet with our family doctor on Friday to discuss the test results on DS6 from last week regarding the kidney reflux. Please keep him in your prayers as well as the doctors in knowing how to treat this.

I also have a session with SH on Friday afternoon. I am interested to see what he has to say about how things have gone since I last talked to him back at the beginning of December.

Just making some plans to enjoy myself this weekend since WW has the kids.

I did learn something tonight, though. When WW came back to church again 3 weeks ago she went to the single mom's SS class. My thought was she went there because no one would know here. Well, someone in there did know her and told me she has not been back in that class since. Not sure what class sher has been to since.

Alright E, you got me started this morning...that was such a great song...I posted a link to listen it to on my thread...

I can remember a few years ago looking for music with that kind of beat and I was having some problems...so I didn't find what I was looking for...

can you recommend some other artist similiar to Casting Crowns...I also listened to WHo I am or Who am I by them that was good to...

Thanks Again! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

WW was all dressed up (and the perfume again) to go somewhere when I picked up the kids this afternoon. She left as we were leaving to come home. There was not much conversation, and I said "Have a good time." Of course inside I am thinking, "Oh great what is this all about? Where is she going? Who is she meeting?" But you know what, it does not matter and I can't let that affect me.

I then asked her if she wanted me to pick her up when we go to the Dr. in the morning. She said she would call me in the morning.

Then it got interesting. One of the neighbors across the street pulls up as she drives off so he and I chat for a few minutes. He is just talking and I am listening and he says something about keeping up with what is going on and he knows WW's van and my BMW and says there has been another car there a few times. The car he described is one I don't know so now that is bugging me. Maybe I can get him to get a license number or something.

I really need some updated intel on what is going on regarding the A and if OM is coming over there, especially if the kids are there too. Arrg, this is nearly driving me nuts!

Yes, get some intel...

Also make sure you are looking great and smelling good when you drop the kids off to her on her weekends....

Let HER wonder what YOU might be up to.

~ Marsh

Plan A in full effect today.

Picked up some donuts and coffee on the way to drop the kids off, WW loves Boston cremes. Got her a mocha swirl latte - she tasted it and said "oh, that's good!"

I grabbed one donut and my coffee and headed out - breeze in and breeze right out <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Back to pick them up at 10 to go to the Dr. Will be back here later on.

WW had the kids this past weekend so I spent the time rearranging rooms in the house. I had a friend from work over to help me move things and WW stopped by to pick something up for the kids. After she left I asked him who looked more miserable, me or her. His comment was that she looked completely miserable and totally unhappy. Even people at church have been asking "What is wrong with B?" Really sad.

Sunday it was raining cats and dogs. After church, I offered to drive the van up to the door for her and the kids. She said "I won't melt." I did it anyway.

WW asked about the kids staying with her one night during the week. Since I have never been opposed to her having time with the kids, I agreed and we decided that we would try Tuesday nights (So they are with her now). Overall I think this will be good for me and give me a chance to recharge during the week. Sometimes I feel like I have the tougher situation since I have them so much, but then I am thankful that I do.

IC was tough Monday - we are really digging into my own stuff with respect to areas I need/want to change. For some reason I was feeling really low after I had some days I felt really strong. My own roller coaster is in effect again.

Then it got worse when WW and I took DS6 to his counselor he has been seeing for some time for his past behavior issues. I had to call and make the appt since he had not been to see her since probably right after Thanksgiving. I tried to make small talk, especially when we drove through parts of the town where we both were living when we met. I made a comment about how much things had changed and she said that living there seemed like another lifetime ago. She just will not really engage in any conversation with me.

Well, then the visit for DS6 turned into a session with WW and I about co-parenting. She asked if we were each in IC - WW said she was only seeing the Dr. in Atlanta (which is not IC) and I said yes I was seeing my IC (funny thing, my IC and DS6's know each other, not sure how that might play out).

Anyway, she then asked if we were doing MC, and WW said she "tried" for years, individually and together, and was not willing. Yeah, she "tried" all the while still maintaining an EA with OM. The whole "home" issue came up about calling her place "home" as well as the family home so the kids don't get confused. I again maintained I was not willing to do that. Of course WW says, "What are you going to do when you move after you sell the house?" I think I said that we would find a new home or would deal with that when we got to that point.

The sad thing is, I could see how WW was manipulating the situation (and the fog talk) since this lady has no idea of what is going on. So many times WW left out info; for example she said "He shredded our agreement" Yeah, after I found out she was having an A!! I just let her talk because I could feel the anger building inside me and I did not want to have an AO. The closest I got was when she was talking about the kids being confused I said (in a somewhat harsh tone) "Here is why the kids are confused. They were taken out of their home for 3 weeks and they were not allowed to see me. DS6 was put into a new school for a week, then they came back home and he went back to his original school. This is why they are confused." WW said, it sounds like you are still angry about that but we need to get past that. Yeah I am angry about that still, but I am also deeply wounded and hurt by that as well.

Oh, in the session with SH on Friday, he wants me to see if WW will talk to him about why she think we won't work. My gosh, if he got one chance he could get in her head. I pray that God will bring about that opportunity.

I had a heart to heart with God today because I can really feel myself wanting to reach out to someone else for companionship. It's good I recognize that because I do not want to fall into that trap. My goal is set, my eyes on the prize - my marriage restored and renewed.

Phil 3:13-14: Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Please pray for me. I have been in somewhat of a downward spiral since Monday.

Eph,

You are doing a good job. Keep the faith. Your WW is particularly "foggy," but you are doing a good plan A. She is obviously miserable, so when you go to plan B, she won't be able to blame you for it. You are setting her up, and you have plenty of time. When your WW asks you for something like the kids staying over one night a week, I would always reply, "I'll think about it and get back to you by _____," and then talk to your lawyer and SH or some of us on the board. I think you may be too accomodating and not forcing her to face the consequences of her actions.

When you talk to SH, I think you should start getting ready for plan B. It is obviously going to take plan B to get through to your WW, and I think you've done a good enough plan A to set it up. I only wish that she didn't have them during the week, so she would have to be alone all week in an empty house to think about what she had done. Talk to SH about the best way to set up for plan B. She's going to be a tough nut to crack, but you still have plenty of time before you have to worry about a D.

Yeah, SH asked how my strength was on Friday. At that time I was great. Monday threw me for a loop.

Next convo with SH I may bring up the plan B discussion. For now, he just wants to try get get her to talk to him once.

On her fogginess: Some tough stuff I now realize and this is hard to admit now - The EA with the particular OM has been really been going on for 10 years. It was also PA before we got married and one time after that she has admitted. I found some disturbing info she wrote in one of her journals from 2005 about him.

I think this is why I have felt so crushed lately.

"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Remember that the whole thing with the OM is nothing more than a fantasy. It will never last, and your wife will pay a high price for her choices. I'm still praying for her.

Let me clarify my statement above - only after reading everything I have here on MB and being honest with myself I realize the EA is 10 years old.

And I feel foolish for not realizing this earlier. I blinded myself in the hopes it would go away itself. Obviously that did not work.

Please don't beat yourself up for not knowing then what you do now.

~ Marsh

believer - thanks for that verse and your prayers.

Marsh - I know but it's too easy. Sometimes I think I could have saved us a lot of pain by breaking off our engagement and entire relationship when their relationship started.

But you are right - I know so much more now than I did even when I first started posting here. I have grown, I can see that. Like the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20.

Maybe, but then you wouldn't have known the joys that you DID have w/ her. Nor would you have your little ones.

This was all part of your journey.

Ever hear the song "The Dance" by Garth Brooks?



Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance



~ Marsh

You know, I remember that song but never really listened to the lyrics. Now, much like many other songs (see my music thread), the lyrics mean something to me. I just burst into tears reading that - I needed that good cry.

What gets me is we had the ability to take our journey in another direction and didn't. I think I spend a lot of time in the place of thinking about what might have been (sheesh, channeling another country music song).

I need to direct that energy into what can be!