(((Eph)))

I've cried a few times to that song myself.



You can STILL take your journey in another direction!

Look at how far you've come...how much you've grown.

Your WW is going to have alot of catching up to do when her fog finally lifts!

You are in my prayers!

~ Marsh

Venting....


Got wind of the story WW is telling others about being followed by the PI (she stopped at a store and OM just happened to be there).

Riiight. Umm, how come the GPS showed her stopping at OM's house FOR 40 FREAKING MINUTES!!! Good grief, she is still perpetuating the lies.

And I am still in a tail spin about the whole 10 year thing I wrote about above. The moment of clarity where I finally realize that the betrayal has been going on that long was like a shock to my system, a body blow that I am having trouble getting up off the mat from. I just want to lay here for the 10 count now.

It doesn't help I am getting sick and feel physically exhausted.

OH (((((E)))))!

I'm am SOOOO sorry that you are having a rough time...I can relate to the body blown...

You have the right to be angry...you're still in Plan A? What's the time line for that?

I think I remember that you Plan A your S but Plan B the WS...I could be wrong...

ANd then, you are getting sick...oh, sweetie...vitamin C? You better do some extreme self-care...you are no good to yourself otherwise...

I'll check on you later...you get some rest...

LOL...That's an order! LMAO

I think this sickness mess is my seasonal allergies - the tree pollen count here is high. Started meds yesterday. I also already take a multivitamin so I should be good on vitamin C.

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. I know I can get out of my own fog because I recognize it for what it is.

Actually looking forward to this weekend to get some rest. WW has the kids again because we swapped weekends. So Rinder, consider your order followed! Heh, Heh. Thanks for checking in with me with all your recent happenings - still praying for you.

Still trying to figure out how to work in SH's suggestion that WW talk to him and tell him we she thinks we won't work. Pray for God to open that door here soon an that I will take advantage of the opportunity.

Still hoping to make it to June with Plan A. A PBL for an anniversary gift would be quite a shock to her I bet.

Off to take DS6 to the doctor for more consultations on this kidney mess.

Oh, I'm wishing you the best outcome with him...

I look forward to hearing how things turn out today...

I'm glad that you are caring for yourself...I think that sometimes we forget to do for ourselves in the process...so many things going on in our lives...

I actually sat on the sofa last night and didn't move to go do a chore...when I did I made sure the doors were locked, and went to bed...

Well, I'll check in later!

Just got back from the doctor, DS6 needs surgery to correct this kidney reflux thing. We will probably wait until this summer when he is out of school.

WW was holding herself together barely. I asked if she was OK and she said she would fall apart later.

Getting in the van she would only say she was fine and I told her I was scared and did not want to have to go through this either, that I was hoping for another way.

What I wanted to tell her was she could fall apart in my arms, that I would hold her and be her rock through this storm - but I held back on that.

Who knows, maybe God can use these circumstances to work healing in our marriage.

Oh, another thing I forgot to mention earlier - about once a week I have these dreams of life with her where things are wonderful. Just this week I had a dream where we were in my IC's office and WW admitted everything and wanted to work on MB principles to heal our marriage. Gosh it seemed so real that I woke up and my heaart was pounding in my chest. The really ironic thing is about a year or so ago I had a dream about her wanting to divorce. I have had a lot of dreams in my life that came to pass, though not exactly like I dreamed them.

Anyone else experience that?

((( I have had a lot of dreams in my life that came to pass, though not exactly like I dreamed them.

Anyone else experience that? )))


Eph,

A little over a year ago I knew my wife was up to D planning and had two vivid dreams of her confronting me with the end.

One she was "a Donna Reed" in a "Donna Reed" setting of our home. He proceeded to tell me how she didn't need me any more. The other she came barreling in our bedroom flanked by her enabling family members telling me the M was over.

Two days later it came true and she told me of her intentions. She wasn't wearing the Donna Reed dress though.

A year later we have been sliding toward it. Today is March 1. The day of our 15 year anniversary, and ironicly the day of our Case managment confrence. Today the time line is set for the D will prob. be final in 5 months and she does not want to stop it.

2 nights ago I had a dream I was in a church and involved both during the services and before with the people. After I was in a fresh crisp stream. I could feel the fresh newness of the water and feel the sand and stones. Once I was in the water I released a trout to swim away. ..... I know it sounds hokie and I'm not totaly sure what it means but hey, that was my dream and I woke feeling good.

Very interesting LostButHopeful.

Two other things I saw in my dreams before they happened:

I saw myself get saved
I saw us get married

I think God speaks to us in dreams still, like he did in the Bible.

Just cleaning house today and as I run across things that belong to WW and am struggling with what to do with them. Should I leave them as is or start packing them up? I feel like packing them up would signify packing up the relationship, while on the other had I see it as protecting myself from a lot of hurt that I feel when the memories are triggered by seeing these things.

This sucks.

Hey Eph,

So sorry about your little guy needing surgery.



Pack them up for now.

There is no good reason to leave those things lie around where they are a source of pain to you.

You need to take good care of yourself.

~ Marsh

Thanks Marsh. Any reason maybe I should take things to her at her place? (see comment way above about her not wanting her wedding bouquets).

In a WW's mind would that signal I am moving on or that I am in agreement with the path we are on? Hopeing you might have some insight as a FWW.

Thanks.

I wouldn't take them to her.

I'd put them away until you found another home to move to. If you have the room to store them there, then do so. If not then you can give them to her to sort through, explaining that you won't have the room.

Giving them to her now would probably signal to her that you're on board w/ her plans for the future.

Boxing them up, demonstrates you are moving on, but still hoping to recover.

~ Marsh

Felt a lot stronger today. Spent the weekend getting the house in order and de-cluttered as much as possible. Spent time with friends and just enjoyed myself this weekend.

Today in IC we talked about how I still have the tendency to let fear and doubt cloud my mind. I think early on in my thread, someone (may have been ML) said something along the lines of "What's to be afraid of? She can't get any farther away than she is now." So true.

My new sub-mantra is "Don't be afraid!" I heard that the words "Do not fear" appear over 360 times in the Bible. This and 1 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV) - For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

Funny thing - WW listens to some country music now. She's always been into pop music/boy band stuff (New Kids are her all time fav). I guess that's part of the script, too huh?

So I am starting to box up the triggers. First thing was the silverware. I went and bought some new stuff this weekend to use. Probably will get new dishes too.

We had our longest conversation in quite some time Saturday night - all of 15 mins. I was trying to connect with her about the upcoming surgery for DS6 and how I felt about it, trying to express my fears and concerns. In the past I would have just kept all that in while I tried to console her. it felt good to express the emotions this time.

Called the kid's great-great grandmother (on WW's side) tonight to plan a trip for this Sunday to visit her. She was so happy to hear that we were coming up. I will ask WW tomorrow if she wants to go also (as recommended from Mr. W). High chance of more exposure as a result of this because they will wonder why WW is not with us visiting her family. I'll just tell the truth.

I have noticed that WW tries to hurry me out of the house when I am there either dropping off or picking up. I just caught on Friday, because when I took the kids clothes over she said something like "OK, we are getting ready for dinner..."

Just trying to pace myself in this marathon, but I am really feeling the drain on the love bank and I am not getting any EN's met from anywhere. Sorry to be so blunt, but this is by far the longest drought for SF and I am feeling it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> The one thing that I believe can only be fulfilled in a M and I can't even have that fulfilled.

Hoping something will click soon....

Hi, I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you


What are your EN's again? I'm just wonderin b/c you used the word anywhere...I was wondering if you were starting a little fog of your own...anywhere is so board and we can get our En's filled from OP...what ARE you top ENs?

I'm not trying to kick you, just may sure that you are staying focused and center in reality...

Supporting you all the way!

Oh, I have got to get Chris Daughtry's CD...How do you like him? There's a few songs that I like!

Sounds like she doesn't want you there when he calls.

~ Marsh

Marsh - I suspect that as well.

Strivin - top 2 ENs are SF, and Admiration. Third is close between Physical Attractiveness and Affection.

Quick update:

I told WW of my plans to take the kids to see their g-g-grandmother this weekend. Here is how that went.

Me: I am taking the kids to see Nanny Sunday. Would you like to go with us?
WW: <disrespectful chuckle> Mom and I were planning to go up there soon.
Me: That's fine but I am taking them Sunday. Would you like to go?
WW: Blah, Blah, Blah, they are my family.
Me: That's fine but I am taking them Sunday. I already called her to plan it and she is excited about it.
WW: What about the race on Saturday you are going to that we switched weekends for?
Me: We will go to that too.
WW: Isn't that a bit much?
Me: I don't think so. Do you want to go?
WW: No.
Me: OK, have a good day Love you DD3!

Oh, she does not like this at all. And I've heard the whole "planning to go up there" story before and so has her grandmother as she specifically mentioned that when we talked.

LOL...I for one believe that I've got the admiration one down...LOL...b/c I do think so highly of you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am SOOO sorry about the SF, affection...I can't help you there! Sorry! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> LMAO and I know cyber hugs and kisses are not enough! Good thoughts but no enough!

I'm sorry that you are having a rough time, although I think that you handled yourself wonderfully with WW and the invite. You just keep up the good work! Stay focused on yourself and you'll make it!

Do you like Blue October? "Hate me today!"...Just wondering and what about Chris Daughtry?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> , the sun is shining here!

Well, I guess I do get a regular dose of admiration from everyone here. I really appreciate it and I will take what I can get. I yearn to hear my W say the words "Thank you for being the lighthouse for our family. You never gave up on me."

Chris Daughtry - have heard of him but have not listened to his music. I saw where you mentioned the song by him "It's Not Over" on another thread so I will look that one up.
Blue October - never heard of them.

I've really started to shy away from secular music here lately. Too many wrong messages I don't want in my head right now.

Keep checking the music thread and feel free to add to it yourself.

Cool, thanks I will! I can say that I think very highly of you and admire your opinion; but in that same right, I understand that you would feel so much better having heard the admiration pour out of your W's mouth.

God DOES NOT give you what you can not handle right now! You know this!

Great job...you are continuing your mission. And the great thing is you are out of the rollercoaster mess! Keep it up. It will be a while longer. You really shouldnt be in any hurry (although having no SF does put a little pressure on a man!!).

Keep leaning on the Lord! He will continue to provide where you cant.