Took the kids to an Easter egg hunt this afternoon and we had some fun with that. They also had the big blow-up jumping things and a big slide so the kids really enjoyed that.

Otherwise I am feeling kinda blah today. The time around Easter is a big trigger for me - we have had some of the roughest times in our relationship around this time of year. Of course, what is going on now pales in comparison.

I think lack of sleep is catching up with me also because I feel exhausted physically and mentally.

WW is coming over tomorrow afternoon to hunt eggs with the kids and also have dinner with us. It will be the first time she has been over here since she moved out I think.

Two options for dinner - I can make spaghetti which was the first meal I ever cooked for her in college, or I can make her all time favorite meal which was a honey garlic marinated grilled chicken, baked potato, and salad. I guess both are pretty symbolic.

I was thinking of calling her tonight to just talk and see where that goes.

Well, off to do the nightly ritual with the kids (dinner, cleanup, baths, etc).

I vote spaghetti.

It's less desparate appearing and may spark some memories inside her.

HISTORY is one of the biggest things waywards lose when they leave. They can never look at their OP and say remember this or that and even though your OM has known her for years (just as ours did0 there is stll a huge historic hole in the relationship. They can try to dress it up and behave like it's still 1996 but it will never be such again.

Spaghetti...is the call.

If you want to do something extraordinary (but draw very little attention to it) go out and get her favorite salsa and have it out as an appetizer. Maybe she has a favorite chocolate or something. An extra item just thinking of her...but DON'T emphasize or act like you expect her to even notice. SHE WILL all on her own.

Also...this woman has been trying to set you up for a custody fight for awhile now. This may all be a big fishing expedition on her part or part of HER strategy in response to your well written letter recently. She's still wayward...this ISN'T about you and her...it's about her affair and custody, most likely. Be superparent. I bet she excuses herself to go to your bathroom so she can photograph how it looks and what's in the medicine cabinet. She may snap other photo's as well with her cell phone. I'm just being paranoid and considering worse case scenarios. A month ago you two had a great time together. Keep it light. Mind your do's and don'ts. BE HAPPY and a man, were she otherwise NOT FOGGY, she'd be attracted to.

Mr. Wondering

I love it when Mr. W. posts under the Mrs. nic! hee hee

I wanted to second the advice Mr. W gave you about your WW...don't trust her.

She's still a lying wayward.

Keep your guard up.

~ Marsh

HI, I agree...I don't trust her...and back up the other opinions.

glad you had a great day with the kids...hope your writing everything down! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Take care!

I was definitely working the history angle, and I agree that the spaghetti option would have the bigger impact. And great suggestion on the appetizer - Lipton onion soup mix for chip dip is her favorite so consider that done. And she will definitely notice the new silverware and dinnerware I have switched to. "Our" silverware and dinnerware is packed away now.

Also. thanks for the subtle 2x4 - yes she still is a lying wayward - who knows how many I have not caught her in yet. I was pretty sure she would come over anyway even though she said she would think about it. I should be even more aware of her words and actions after the cell phone incident on Thursday.

She may be angling for the custody thing because we have a mediation session scheduled for April 27, and already the GAL has been in contact with me regarding her in home visit, which is now scheduled for Saturday 4/21. I am sure she already has one scheduled with WW as well.

I know I should avoid any relationship type conversations, but I wanted to follow up on asking her about talking to SH. She hasn't mentioned it and I don't want to just let it go - again showing that I will follow through on my actions, requests, etc.

So I will dress well, smell good, and have a clean house. Maybe add something decorative to the table.

Sheesh, this is so much like dating again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

WEll, looks like we'll be in court on the same day...LOL...you can bet I will be thinking about you and the kids THAT day!

Are you practicing? LOL Just joking! I'm sorry I couldn't help myself...

Depends on what you mean by "practicing."

I might be <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

LOL

LMAO...sounds like good Plan Aing...

Becoming a person that anyone would want to be around! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for being a good friend and picking me up when I am down. Sometimes we have to laugh to keep from crying.

OK, time to go play Easter Bunny and then focus on what tomorrow is really all about.

By His wounds we are healed



Happy Easter to all!!

Only have a minute but perhaps you could develope an "Agenda" outline and document your attempts to discuss "coparenting". Maybe even call it a "Co parent Agenda".

Consider inclusion of the following items:

1. Schedules - (Prepare a three ring binder with a calendar in the front and blank pages in the back that can travel back and forth with the kids). If you don't have time to prepare it add it as an item to be discussed in the outline such as subitem A: Notebook B: Text messaging C: Summer Plans (Vacations, Trips, Daycare)

2. DD6 Kindergarten - (then discuss that you will be taking her to the school in your district for open house (which most school districts have in April or May for incoming Kindergarteners). Home Schooling is OUT.

3. Financial

a. Food/Clothing issues (since she's been getting food stamps indicate your concern that the kids are not eating properly and ask if she needs help getting them food but be sure to discuss the clothes issues you had a few weeks ago.

b. JOB - What is doing about getting a job (leave it open ended and let her talk)

c. Church

d. ????

3. Marital Counseling: Above anything else we could possible do to make this situation better for our children wouldn't you agree that a mom and dad together in a loving home would be the best possible outcome here. I'm not happy with our marriage now or before, but shouldn't we at least try??? No, well, at the very least, couldn't you speak to Dr. Harley and at least help him help me understand this situation better and come to terms with it so I, as the father of our children can best move forward from here? (by putting it here...and her trying to fight for custody, you MAY just get her to do it, you know, in the 'best interests of the kids'.

4. OM's exposure to kids: No matter how much she might think she cares for OM there is no denying the fact that he IS an interloper and destroyer of your family. He is a weak man that will NEVER be 1/2 the man the kids father IS. His presence in their lives IS destructive to them. (don't say too much...just let her talk)

5. Honesty. - The cell phone thing is just an example. You KNOW she's had the phone for weeks and her apology was followed by another lie that she'd had it for only a week. Why apologize and lie again???? Just shoot you straight. You KNOW just about all the slimy details you need to know and you can safely fill in the rest. Affairs ARE that predictable, they are just like any other insiduous addiction.

5. Add what you want and/or others suggest.

7. ??????????????


Finally...meet her need for communication. DON'T argue or plead with her. Pretend it is an honest discussion and hang on her every word as if her foggy wayward input is very valuable. I suggest you tape the conversation as well....very secretly...as she may be expecting the same. If you have 2 recorders set them both up and when she gets suspicious, voluntarily offer to move the conversation to the other room (where you have the other recorder). If the kids are coming in and out and you set her off in a rage (which she does in front of the kids or involves the kids) you've got her on tape doing it.

I don't know how Plan A some of this stuff is. But I also fear you Plan A'ing a WW that is perhaps using your Plan A as an angle to dupe you in a custody battle.

BTW, you indicated way above that it was "your weekend with the kids". That's not true. Your wife has "visitation rights". When with her it's her time with the kids...when with you it's their time at home...where they belong...with you. The correct way to refer to such weekends is "the kids are home with me this weekend".

Happy Easter,

Mr Wondering

Ah Mr. W you are so on top of things. Thanks so much for your suggestions.

I'll report in later.

Honesty - you could also discuss honesty to the kids. That you love her and respect her as the mother of your children. That no matter what happens you will not disparage her to the kids; however, love the sinner, hate the sin. You will not lie to them about adultery. It is clearly wrong and unjustifiable. She's an adult and we live in a free country. She is free to have an affair and commit adultery. But she can't change the definition of adultery. If you do go hush hush and not make the situation clear to the kids in an honest age appropriate way...then they are bound to think it's something THEY did or caused. Ask her how SHE thinks this should be handled and let her talk herself in circles.

Mr. W

What really scares me about your WW is that she has shown she is capable of really dastardly deeds when it comes to the kids.

Exhibit A: she ran away with them for a couple of weeks.

Exhibit B: she implied that you could be sexually molesting your son.

Keep your guard up, indeed!!

She just left. After I take care of the kids and reflect on her visit I will post some details.

Overall, it went well.

Eph,

I am anxious to hear the details. Sounds like you are dealing with many similar issues as I am right now

I am being (age appropriaetly) honest with my kids and know it is only a matter of time til WS and I will have a talk about.

I am firm and consistent that we LOVE WS, but do not condone his actions

Hope u are well

OK, some details from before the visit - sort of setting the tone for the day.

The kids and I made WW an Easter basket. They picked out the basket and the plastic eggs (they were all glittery) and I picked out the candy that WW likes. We put some of the candy in the eggs and the rest in the bottom of the basket covered by the decorative grass. Also threw in a chocolate bunny and an Easter card.

I had also picked out some clothes for her when the kids and I were out shopping for them on Friday. Might have been a little over the top but, hey, when she wears them she will think of me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I e-mailed WW two Easter e-cards late Saturday night - one from me and one from the kids.

I actually wore a tie to church today. Let me say that I NEVER wear a tie unless I am on a business trip to Germany since they wear business attire. When she saw me after church I swear I saw her do a double take. We talked briefly while walking out about her visit, when she would come, dinner plans, etc. All was good.

So now to the visit (I feel like a storyteller of a soap opera here)....

WW gets here about 3:30 as I am putting away all our laundry, so her and the kids talk a bit. The kids give her the card and the her basket and of course she loves the candy selection (Peanut M&Ms and Reese's peanut butter eggs). The kids show her all the stuff they got. WW mentions that the Easter bunny came to her house and she had some stuff there for them - several times, though I heard her say OUR house to the kids - whatever.

So I go out and hide the eggs for her and the kids to find, and I take pictures and all. Then DS6 and I hide the eggs for WW and DD3 to look for, then we switch and they hide the eggs for me and DD6 to find. We really had a fun time, laughing, joking, "inappropriate" touching, LOL. (regular viewers will recognize that reference).

We all come in so I can get started on dinner. I give WW the clothes and she tries them on and shows me how they look. OK, I have to brag because I know how to pick clothes for her that look GREAT on her and once again I was successful - maybe too successful - she was looking good! Gosh I hope to see her in them again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> She even asked one of her usual questions about the clothes being too tight/loose. I just told her she looked great and bragged on my ability to "clothe" her.

OK, so out comes the appetizer - chips and dip - big success. Spaghetti goes well, get the cheese bread going, salad is ready - things going just perfect. No serious conversations, just light and friendly.

We sit at the table and I take the place she normally would sit in helping DD3 to eat. She devours her dinner. Desert is some ice cream (Ben and Jerry's Cinnamon Bun) and a fruit mix of strawberries/blueberries with whip cream. She made a face at the ice cream but when she tried it I got the usual joking sarcastic comment "Ohh, this isn't any good - I'll have to get rid of it for you. - which means it's a lot better than she thought and she loves it.

So we finish and I clean up everything while her and the kids colored in their coloring books.

Had a few interspersed discipline issues with the kids but I took care of them in swift fashion. I know much of this stems from the situation as it is now.

WW gets in the van and I mention that one of her tires is low, so I put air in all of them. She thanks me for inviting her over, dinner, clothes, all he stuff, etc. I then ask her if she got my e-mail I sent to her last week while I was in Mexico (the one where I mentioned talking to SH) and she asked which one I was talking about. I just told her to go back and read it and then we could talk about it and left it at that. I didn't pursue any other conversations at this time - my thought being I would keep this first visit light and fun and hopefully she would be willing to come over again so we can have some serious discussions next time, maybe I could even try to get some time for just her and I to talk. I also didn't have much time to think the discussion points through as thoroughly as I would have wanted. I don't want to be unprepared for that.

Like I said, overall it was a great visit all things considered. She can't get any dirt on me - there isn't anything. I think I am finding my plan A groove just in time, because it will make the move to plan B all the more effective.

Whew, OK there you have it. Analyze away.

Bugs - yep I too am being age appropriately honest with the kids. They understand the concept of the wedding rings because they ask about mine all the time, and we pray every night that God would help bring mommy back home to live with us.


Ugh, back to the grind tomorrow. I hope it warms back up quickly.

You did GREAT!

Thanks Bugs.

You will also notice that (like V-Day) WW did not get anything for the kids to give me as a gift. But you know what - it's a gift to have them home.

Mr. W - you are so right here:

See, I don't even realize I have fallen into that trap. Thanks for pointing that out.

Good job...you can bet she feels like crap when she internalizes just a little that just maybe the kids are, in fact, better off at your house with you having primary custody. Waywards, though they try to act happy with their choices, really are conflicted. They go between entitlement and the feeling of complete lack of self worth. She feels at moments..."of course, the kids belong with their mom" to "I can't believe how happy everyone is without me over at dad's house...I'm worthless and expendable". (may be an opportunity in there to exploit her inadequate feelings with some admiration in Plan A...indicating how, though things seem good at your home it remains incomplete without her in it full time just to reassure her and make her feel she still has/could have a place there...you're not better off without her).

Anyway, on another note...custody battle, maybe an email indicating that you want to meet with her alone to discuss Co-parenting, perhaps over dinner and you will arrange a sitter. Indicate a specific date. Don't give her the agenda but have it with you. Just put the decision to meet into her lap. If she disregards it...SHE looks bad. If she meets...you get to Plan A and help your case.

Mr. W

The outstanding offer to meet on Thursdays has not been taken up so that's a strike already. I think a second attempt on a specific date, with kid care arranged, ought to be welcomed by her. Continuing to reject such offers only looks bad for her, because she is sure not taking any initiative on this.

Dang, what are we doing up at almost 2am?