Yes, Eph...speak to your attorney

You want to be really careful with changing the daytime/childcare arrangement.

Combine that change with Plan B and they've got a great argument you are being vindictive.

You've got to frame it in the best interests of the kids. How it is easier for you, the custodial parent, to BE a more awesome parent having them in "camp" down the street as opposed to her apartment.

The transition from "school" year to "summer camp" is a good time to make the change and make it appear normal. It is good timing to give you a good calm rational counter-argument to her "feeling" that it's vindictive.

This "decision" needs to be discussed in writing so you can have a good amount of documentation supporting that you attempted to include WW in the decision process, that she was belligerent (sp?) and uncooperative, that you made the decision for good reasons completely unrelated to the current situation in your marriage.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

Hi Eph,

I have been reading some of your story and thanks or dropping into mine.

Do you or did you text WW after she moved out of the house to tell her you love her.

I'm not sure what I should do in my situation. I tried not to speak to her while I was away, but feel I should tell her now more than ever.

Chris

Eph,

My prayers are very much with you/your entire family!!! I am just deeply saddened to know your little guy undergoes his surgery this weekend!

I know you have a great deal right now on your platter overload& lots of advice here to process...

Brings back very sad memories for me as my daughter had to be hosptilized at 10 days old, for 10 days for a life threating kidney infection/reflex issue. You know what, as horrible my xh was back then, indulging his big super sized ego.

I resolved no matter what I would not leave my baby alone in hospital or be driven to distraction. My xh nonsenses, antics, did not matter, nor dictate, nor re-arrange, my priorities.

He became a diminished squint < zero > squint <zero> in my eyes. The relationship between us was inconsequential. Differences were to be layed aside for the sake of our kids.

It did not matter what he was doing or his lame extreme immaturity excuses. I lost further respect. He was in the wrong and that's that. THAT'S IT!

At that time, I could care less about any more sordid details. BIG DEAL. I was trying to recover from the news of his disclosure of his prior affair during my pregnancy.

Beautiful, intelligent thing news to receive....took me few more months to get over the his babble, shock, fury outrage, determined to dv, pressured to forgive/reconcile & pull it together quik.

Yup, I have a soft spot for God& kids!!!

Essential to develop another personal layer of detachment. My focus was only to be true & loving to our children, their needs& wellbeing!!! Extreme gratitude to my God that my daughter survived & had the support/care of a super expert medical team!!!

I barely left my daughter side, only to leave to obtain medical treatment in another medical facility, for myself from a raging fever I developed serious strep illness.

I still treated my xh back then with the best respect I could muster up. Deeply pained/hurt by the moronic. Yes.

Have mercy! You can always square up later with the legalities. The way I see it, be the better generous person& not a lemming. Kids come first!!!

I can assure you from my diverse range of experinces wrking with kids, they really keep tight accounts of their parents neglect,mistreatment, selfishness & sanctimonious ego trips, from when they were younger...

Your wise now to repair all you can to the very best of your ability with a min of regrets.

Right now this is a window of Mercy/Focus, for you and the kids sake!!!

As Steve Harley says, there's plenty of time later on to rebuild your self esteem/crushed heart. He is sooo correct....

Had I only know about the Harley's then. I would avoided erroneous misguided advice....

Praying the corrective surgery goes well for your little guy!!! This is big....soooo scary for little people. I know you know, it is impertative that you do all you can too implement a pressure reduction stress plan...

So hope this helps a little bit. I am no stranger to grief& have been there... You can get through this phase!!! It's tough, but know you will!!!

Yeah, I'm thinkin of that song, insane in the membrane or extreme circulations problems--No flow to the upper brain!!!

Chris - for about the first month after she said she did not want to be married (I didn't even get the ILYBINILWY talk) when I would talk to he on the phone I still tell her I loved her. I can't remember now when I stopped.

It was a struggle with trying to let her know how I felt but not appear weak and groveling.

Sky - thanks for sharing your story with me. Having two kids I am trying to divide my time with them this weekend. I'll stay at the hospital with DS6 Friday night (WW wants to stay as well, her mom will keep DD3), then Saturday I will spend the day with DD3 while WW stays at the hospital, DD3 and I will stay home Saturday night and go to church Sunday morning, then I will go back to the hospital Sunday and spend the night again and take DS6 home Monday. DD3 will stay with a friend Sunday night like I mentioned - I don't care that WW is upset about that.

Tomorrow will be a long day - we have to be at the hospital at 7am, surgery is at 9am. Lot's of people at church have said they will come by to visit.

Keep us all in your prayers this weekend.

What happen man? Lost your courage! just picking on you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You may want to keep the visitors list to a minimum. Have the ones you can...just call or have something come up. You are actually going to have HOURS alone with your wife. I know it's tough to see anything else than worry about your son's surgery but this may be an opportunity to finish out your Plan A well and on a high note.

You've had lots of practice in Plan A and read a lot. So it's not a matter of preparation or anything. I have often seen on MB (and I experienced this myself) where the couple has a come to Jesus moment. In a very quiet way they just open up, without lovebusters, and communicate VERY openly about the situation, marriage and family. My wife was particularly interested in seeing me cry. Part of her rationalizations and justifications included the foregone conclusion that I didn't and wouldn't care.

Anyway...this conversation is free from argument and demands. It's a "I don't know what's gonna happen in the future with us...but I'm gonna enjoy my spouse tonight, right now, and try to figure out WHO this stranger is, without judgement or trying to change her".

You may have to endure some converation about OM. You endure it so you can understand, get information, plant some seeds, sneakingly attack the fanstasy with calmness and rational discussion.

You can say "I wish you'd come home" instead of "come home". You only control YOU and give up trying to control her. She is soooo far down the road, she can't hear you anyway. You just talk and listen. Ask poignant probing questions but reserve judgment. She's got to do a whole lot of turning around and coming back by herself before she'll really HEAR you anyway...but YOU can hear her. Let her talk. Meet her need for communication. Part of her, I think, misses you because she keeps reconnecting from time to time. Plan B will be more effective if you finish well.

BTW, OM is going to be VERY jealous you both are spending the night together. WW likely can't even use her cell phone in the hospital.

Prayers to your son. We'll all be thinking of him this weekend and YOU TOO.

Mr. Wondering

P.S. - IF she uses this weekend as a way to torture you even a little...such may be a partial impetus towards Plan B. Don't forget the stick of Plan A. IF she's running outside to make cell phone calls, you may just get a peek at the cell phone and see it's OM and not business. OR you may get access to text messages...and then CALL HER ON IT. Sure she'll be pissed you snooped but the information AND the rant is justification for your Plan B. Call her on it as though she can't spend the night with your hurting child without having to run around like a teenager calling OM.

She may end up leaving the hospital if you call her on something or she just gets frustrated with you.

This is NOT the worst thing. It would look pretty bad at the custody hearing IF she walked out on your son after he just had a surgery because she was unreasonably upset at you for looking at her cell phone or talking rationally about the family with her.

Certainly don't INSTIGATE it for this purpose but don't talk her out of leaving if she threatens it or chooses to.

You can handle it all...you are the primary caregiver after all.

Mr. Wondering

Exactly!

Eph!

Your welcome! I see all good wrks plans here for both the kids! Very balanced& good follow through! Keep up the good momentum with your all your great progress!!! My prayers shall continue!!!

Terrific, you have a marvelous support system in your church for you/family! Makes a remarkable difference!!!

I agree a great deal with Mr.Wondering above advice to for you!

Mr.Wondering!

Good sensible guidance shared!

Wanted to share I am so extremely happy for both you & Mrs.Wondering in both your solid recovery process...

Eph - My prayers will be with you and your son tomorrow.

I know how hard it is for a child to need an operation. When my sons' dad was in the hospital for heart surgery, there was a 2 year old having surgery at the same time. I could hear him crying, and it was extremely upsetting.

Two days later he was running around the ward and doing fine! It was a wonderful thing to see.

Is this going to be an outpatient thing?

L spent a week in the hospital once...my thoughts and prayers will be with you!

Like believer said running around the whole ward once he was feeling better...LOL...had all the nurses' wrapped around his finger! He was two at the time!

Thanks everyone for all your support it means so much to me to know so many are lifting me and my family up in prayer, not only for healing in my marriage but also for my son.

It's inpatient - he should be able to go home Monday according to the doctor.


Some how tomorrow I'll post an update.

Prayers going out for you and your little guy!

~ Marsh

Prayers sent up from California.......

Prayers for the lil' man headed up!

Surgery is over - everything went really well. We are now in the room and he is sleeping

Some interesting conversations with WW already. Details later.

Thanks all for your prayers.

GREAT...that is wonderful news! will continue praying for a quick recovery with not complications!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Great news.


I'm hoping the conversations were quite good.

Besides just a significant amount of time together...A young son in the hospital having surgery would put ANY parent in a vulnerable emotional state wanting and needing to FEEL connected.

I'm really glad it occurred to me to forewarn you and prepare you for the likihood of some GREAT plan A moments.

Now...get back in there...WE will be here Monday when you get home. We don't NEED updates if it interferes in ANY way with family and wife time.

Mr. Wondering

Blessed are You, Lord our God, King of the Universe, Creator of Eph525's little DS6. Thank You for the skill and knowledge that You gave the surgeon's to perform this surgery. Thank You that the kidney surgery went well and that DS6 is now in his room, safe and sound, sleeping. Dear Lord, we pray that DS6 would heal from his surgery and that he would have a speedy recovery. We pray that You would watch over him as he recuperates. But Lord, we also pray that YOUR will would be done in the lives of Eph525 and his WW during this time. We pray that You would continually be with Eph525 while he is with his WW so that Your love and Your words can come from his heart. We pray that while You are healing DS6 you would also heal Eph525's and his WW. Furthermore, we pray that You would soften WW's heart so that she is willing and able to see the love that Eph525 can offer her. Father, we know that You hate divorce and that You have bound these two together to become one, so we pray that this weekend, You would make it apparent to BOTH of them what Your will is and how You want them to proceed.

Thank You for hearing our prayers,


Amen

Praise God. He is in control.