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Well I am at home tonight with DD3 and wanted to provide an update to everyone.
DS6 is doing well. He has been sleeping most of the day and his pain has really been minimal so far. He has been so brave through all this. The doctor said he had to reattach both ureters to his bladder (instead of the one) so it took a longer than planned.
WW was quite an emotional wreck when they took DS6 back to the OR. I tried to reach out to her to comfort her but she turned her back on me. Since she had not eaten breakfast, I asked her if she wanted something to eat. She said she did not have any money and I just said I was paying. We both had a blueberry muffin and a white chocolate mocha from Starbucks. We sat down to eat and then this happened:
WW: I just….uh…..ummmm…I just wanted to say…….that I…….ahhhhh…I haven’t said anything until now, but …..ahhh….I don’t want you to touch me any more. We are here to support DS6, and I uhhh……..I just want that to be our focus. This is not about us.
Me: OK
<we continue eating and drinking >
WW: What have you read about eating disorders?
Me: Why do you want to know?
WW: Well I think that if you understood anything you might not be making the decisions you are making. I had to get out to get better.
Me: What I read is that I am not responsible for your decisions regarding that.
WW: Oh, did you pick that book out yourself?
Me: No, it was the one recommended by the eating disorder counselor I spoke with last year. Are saying that I am responsible for your relapse in your eating disorder?
WW: Don’t put words in my mouth.
Me: <getting up to leave> I am going to sit somewhere else so I don’t lose my focus.
I go sit at a different table and read for a while, then I get up and go sit in the lobby so I can get cell phone reception and read some more. WW gets up and walks to the area I am in, stands there for a minute, and then decides to sit down in a chair across from the one I am sitting in. I just keep reading and occasionally glance her way.
As we get up to go to the waiting area to see if there is any news on DS6, she says “I didn’t mean we couldn’t be civil.” Again I respond “OK.” She thanked me for the breakfast.
We go to the waiting area and she sits next to me again. We still had an hour or so to wait, so we went outside so she could talk on the phone. Again she sat near me, some of her calls were for work and she also called her mom.
We made idle hit chat some, then went back in to the waiting area, again she sat right next to me. She was cold, so I went to get her a blanket from the nurses station and then covered her up so she would get warm. She was surprised by this gesture.
Even through this I stayed somewhat detached. The only feelings I shared were those towards DS6 and his recovery.
Seeing how she responded to my just walking away from her, I can only think what effect plan B might have on her. Perhaps that was but a foretaste of what is to come.
While DS6 slept in the room, I took a nap in the chair. When I woke up, WW expressed concern about me staying because DS6 called out 3 times while I was asleep and I did not hear it – of course she did and did what was needed. She asked if I wanted her to stay instead and I said that I would be fine. Funny, she had wanted to spend the night last night also but her mom has to work today so she had to go home to be with DD3. She made it out like she wanted to spend time with DD3 since I had commented earlier that I was going to spend the day with her today so she would not feel left out and all alone. I have a hunch she might try to stay Sunday night since I have made the arrangements for DD3 to stay with a friend.
Divorced on 3/25/2008 but I have primary legal and physical custody of my 2 kids.
Plan A Thread Plan B Thread Ephesians 5:25 - Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her
WW needs a swift kick in the behind!! Plan B just might do the job.
She still is very foggy,, but your Plan A WILL be in her memory!
You did good at the hospital in a VERY tough sitch. Being worried about DS and having to deal with WW on top of that?? You get Gold Stars for keeping calm!
Glad DS is doing ok. It is such a helpless feeling with those sweet babies, isn't it?
You are a great dad, Eph!
BS (me) ExWS -Drac DD 9 DSS 15 D Day 11/06 Divorced 10/01/07
While I get plan B in order, I have decided I want to give her back my wedding ring on our anniversary. I've kept it on this long, but it was given to me to remind me of her promise and commitment to me. On the inside is engrave "SDM MY LOVE." In God's eyes I am still married, but her ring means nothing to me any longer as the promise and commitment is broken.
I'd love to cut the thing to symbolize the brokenness of the supposed "unending circle of love."
My brother and his girlfriend came to visit DS6 in the hospital yesterday, and today they asked me if she was on drugs as she exhibits behaviors they have seen from their past lives. So it's true, adulterers are like drug addicts.
Divorced on 3/25/2008 but I have primary legal and physical custody of my 2 kids.
Plan A Thread Plan B Thread Ephesians 5:25 - Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her
Great job!! You began to learn how to disattach yourself from a bad situation, when she was pushing your buttons.
Notice how she reacted to you leaving the room? Your wife is the typical WS. She exhibits all of the signs of one.
I do believe it is time for Plan B. I would not let this go very much longer. Your Plan A cannot accomplish more than it has and you are very susceptible to LBing in your current state.
You felt just a little how Plan B will be for you. How you dont have to put up with the pain. how you dont have to be on the rollercoaster any longer. You also have seen that your wife is not going to like it one bit.
Plan B this week. That should be your objective. As soon as your son is well again, you should go to Plan B.
Standing in His Presence
FBS (me) (48) FWW (41) Married April 1993... 4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B)) Blessed by God more than I deserve "If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"
Well I brought DS6 home today. He was so bored in the bed at the hospital and so restless. We stayed up late watching Looney Tunes last night - Speedy Gonzales, the fastest mouse in all Mexico <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
You would never know he just had surgery on Friday, except for the last remaining tube he has and it comes out Thursday.
I called W when we got home to let her know - she wanted to come over later in the day. I asked her if she wanted to stay for dinner - nope. Unbelievable. Well that was the last dinner invitation she will be getting from me.
So for the next few days I will have to keep him active enough to not get bored, but not too active. Easier said than done for a 6 year old.
So plan B planning is under way. Some things I am preparing are:
-how to handle child exchanges -possible other child care options this summer -open items from mediation like final division of property (I want to get rid of as many things that remind me of her as is possible and reasonable) and divisions of assets and liabilities (she is gonna get her half of the marital debt). -talk to attorney and GAL so they understand what is going on.
I did have a thought that if I knew that the GAL would render her recommendation soon I could delay plan B until then. If that was within the next, say 2 weeks, would it make sense to wait until then, especially since it appears the GAL is leaning my way?
Divorced on 3/25/2008 but I have primary legal and physical custody of my 2 kids.
Plan A Thread Plan B Thread Ephesians 5:25 - Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her
If it is soon, then I would wait. However, I would also subpeona her laptop and cell phone to prove that she hasn't been obeying the judges orders before the GAL made her decision.
Jim
BS - 32 (me) FWW - 33 Married 8/31/03 No kids (but 3 cats) D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA) NC agreed to - 11/8/06 NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07 Status - In Recovery Jim's Story
If you feel like the decision will be soon, I would wait. No sense complicating the situation with Plan B. And I think you are handling everything very well. You are a strong man, and an excellent dad.
I would look for childcare though. I still think your wife thinks that her job will be a SAHM, watching the kids. She needs the wakeup call that along with the husband, the SAHM option will be disappearing.
I'm a HUGE supporter of moms being able to devote their time to raising their kids instead of working outside of the home. But I think your wife needs to get a taste of reality, and see that staying home is a privilege that most women can't choose.
WW called about 4:00 asking if I thought if it would be OK if she came over - she said she did not want the kids to get all upset when she left. I told her to do whatever she wanted to do.
Well,she got here about 4:30 this afternoon. The kids and I were outside when she arrived (she had called to let me know she was coming over). When she got here she asked if she could have some Tylenol because she had a headache -I told her she took it all but that I still had some Motrin.
She also needed something to eat with it, so we all had some strawberries that I had just bought at the store. Then we proceeded to just kinda play around the house some. It was funny, because the kids were hanging all over me.
after about an hour she mentioned leaving because she was hungry and needed some supper (hmmm, didn't she turn down an invitation to dinner?) so we were outside. She said "Thanks for letting me see them." to which I replied "Anytime."
Then I asked her what was done to the van when she was in KY. She was supposed to get an oil change, but I got a charge on the joint account for $171 so I know more must have been done. She indicated that the tires were rotated also. I told her I would need that money back and she asked why. I told her that I was not responsible for any maintenance on it and she said that I was. I just told her go back and read the current agreement and be prepared to repay me. She said she did not have it, and I said that I didn't either because the account was overdrawn.
After she had left, I called her back and told her that it did not make any sense to have to thanks me for allowing her to see the kids - she could see them anytime she wanted to if she came home. She hung up on me.
The truth hurts I guess.
Also found out she was in attendance of some kind of money making seminar here in town with an unidentified male who seemed upset to have been seen with her.
Another plan B item:
completely separate finances and make her submit receipts for repayment of kids medicines, doctor visits, and other expenses I am obligated to pay.
Yeah, doesn't selfishness and entitlement just beat all you ever saw? (been in trouble with the law since they day they was born....ooops I digressed into the Dukes of Hazzard theme song <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )
Plan b letter in process
getting my ducks in a row
Plenty of alone time this weekend while the kids are at WW's place to try to get most things ready.
Wedding ring will be returned tomorrow. If I could be at her place at 2:30pm I would because that is about the time we exchanged rings during our wedding. I will also give her the following note along with it:
Quote
WW,
On this day in 1998 I pledged myself to you alone, and gave you a ring to wear to symbolize that commitment I made to you. Likewise you pledged yourself to me alone, and gave me a ring to wear symbolizing your commitment to me. Inscribed inside my ring is the statement "SDM MY LOVE."
Now nine years later your commitment no longer stands, and so with that I return to you the ring you gave me for it's meaning is tainted and ruined.
I remain married to you in God's eyes and in my heart, and I will not stray from my commitment to Him and to you until such time as you decide to finally end our union.
Your Husband, Eph525
Sort of a pre-PBL letter I suppose.
This roller coaster ride is fast approaching the station for me.
Divorced on 3/25/2008 but I have primary legal and physical custody of my 2 kids.
Plan A Thread Plan B Thread Ephesians 5:25 - Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her
I would still wear the ring as long as you are married. Giving your ring back shows that you are giving up on her and your marriage. That is not the message I would want to send before plan B.
Jim
BS - 32 (me) FWW - 33 Married 8/31/03 No kids (but 3 cats) D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA) NC agreed to - 11/8/06 NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07 Status - In Recovery Jim's Story
