Today is worse than I thought it would be - I feel so depressed, tired, just want to stay in bed and ignore the world. I feel like I did back in December when WW took off with the kids.

I don't know what to say about the ring. What I wrote in the note above is how I really feel. Why wear it any more? Right now it just serves as a reminder of the pain.

Let me think about it.

Sorry you are feeling down, but I think that is normal after all the stress you have been through.

As for the ring, I think you should wear it until you are divorced. I believe that a wedding ring is a covenant between the marriage partners and the Lord. I wore mine until the day I was divorced, even though my WH was living with the OW.

I understand what you wrote is how you feel, but it is a love buster nonetheless. You want your plan A to end on a high note.

Eph,

It sounds as though you've given up hope.

Have you?

Is that how you view Plan B?

Giving back your ring and that note, does say to me, you're done.

Are you?

That would explain your being depressed today.

~ Marsh

((((E))))

I'm sorry that you are having a bad day!

{{E}},

So sorry you are down today!

I have to say that I am with Jim on the ring/letter. I so understand, but don't do it,,,yet. Maybe someday, just not now.

I, too, wear my ring and am not taking it off until if/when I am divorced.

So, sweetie, are you at the giving up stage or can you roll through a bad day and begin again?

It's your call. I can certainly understand either choice.

{{E}}

((E))

That ring was a symbol of Your commitment to the M. I do agree that it's your call whether to wear it or not. Initially I took off the engagement ring, because it represented the promise he made to me and wore the band. But, I took that one off when my XH made it clear that he wasn't willing to do anything to work on our M (around Dec-hmmm, when contact with OW began), and I put them away in a file.

I don't know what I'm going to do with them. Right now, I choose not to worry about it. Someday, the pain won't be as bad. Perhaps my boys will be able to use them for their future brides.

But, the ring itself still means something to me-because I did honor my vows. I never thought of giving it back to him.

So, IMO if it is too painful to wear, put it away. Don't do anything right now with it. It will only seem like you are trying to engage her in some way, get a response-break through her facade. Just let it be for now.

OK, I can agree with the part about the covenant with God. I'm still married in His eyes.

Yeah, I think today I am feeling the weight of everything going on. WW, DS6, prepping for plan B, etc.

What LB is that - Disrespectful judgment?

Marsh, I am not done, have not given up hope, don't view plan B that way (WW probably will, though). Maybe I am fighting against what I know needs to be done. Fear of the unknown?

With all of you here, I can get through the day. Tomorrow I go back to work so I can get back to my normal schedule.

My brother is coming over this afternoon to help do some things around the house.

Thanks again everyone.

Hope to have my draft PBL tonight.

Yes, even though all LBs don't have to fit into a specific category. You are essentially judging her for her lack of commitment to your M. It will definitely be seen as a LB by her and withdraw love units.

Eph,

How is your son's recovery coming along??? Sorry to hear that ring part is upsetting you!

But understandable.

Saw this video on tv last night, while watching the sports updates with my son. We had a good laugh. Thought this comedy video on breakups/rings might provide some perspective on things... You draw your own conclusions!!!

So passing this forward...

Broken Pipedreams

Eph525

My dear brother in Christ. I read your note about your wedding ring last night and I have to admit...I am a human being too (not just mama bee) and that one hit me hard. I think you and I may have a similar way of thinking about "things." I know that almost everyone who gets married views their wedding ring as a visible reminder of their commitment to their spouse, but if you were to look at most of the things in my room...or in most of my house to be honest...you'd find that almost ALL my possessions are ones that I have chosen not because they are necessarily "the best" or fit the design the most, but because they are SYMBOLIC to me. "Things" remind me of people or memories that are happy, loving, and supportive. I surround myself with these symbolic things because it keeps those I love close to me...and memories that I cherish right before my eyes. For example, I own a stretchy bracelet made of redwood beads; it's not the most expensive piece of jewelry I own, but I bought it on my honeymoon while in the Redwood Forest with my new hubby. I CHERISH that bracelet. I have another that is a stretchy pooka-shell bracelet that my DIL gave me--her first gift AND they are OREGON pooka-shells which are rare!

When I look at my wedding ring, I don't just see what most people see when they look at their wedding ring. I see a constant and visual reminder of the commitment I made to my husband AND THE COMMITMENT HE MADE TO ME! I see all the things we went through to get to our wedding day. I see how amazingly happy we were to FINALLY make it!! I see all our friends and family gathered together celebrating and getting to know each other as extended family. I see the look in his eyes when he said his vows. It reminds me of him, and reminds me to consider him in EVERY SINGLE THING I DO, because I would never want to see hurt in his eyes because I acted inappropriately. It is a constant reminder of all that!!!

I suspect your wedding ring is the same for you.

Eph525, I have a suggestion for you. Write your note on a quality piece of paper with a good pen. Buy a fancy jeweler's box for your ring. Fold the note, and put the note and the ring in the jeweler's box, and put the jeweler's box at the head of your bed. It's there...in your possession. It's at your head to remind you at the beginning of the day when you first rise up and when you go to sleep. It will be a reminder to you that you are still a married man and to behave accordingly. And then, go for a few days or a week without it...as a symbol TO YOU that things are going to be changing with Plan B. Rather than giving your ring to your WW to give back to you when she honors her vows, you keep your ring and you put it back on when Plan B does it's job...and she sees how much she's got to lose and voluntarily comes back. Then the covenant that the ring symbolizes will be restored, and it will be a constant reminder that was once lost CAN be found!!

If your WW hardens her heart and is determined to continue in what she knows is wrong, despite Plan B, and if it appears that Plan D is eminent and can not be stopped, then if you wish you can put your rings on your RIGHT finger, as a reminder that things are not as they should be, but that you are held to honor your commitment until the D is final. After that, it's between you and God, but I personally view it as an unbeliever who chose to walk away and thus the believer is released to peace.

I'm sorry you are so bummed out today. I don't think it has anything to do with all the other stuff that people are suggesting it might be. I think you're bummed because it's your anniversary and you are SAD <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" /> --and rightfully so. Things is...we're here. So if you need a friend or shoulder to cry on, you know where to go, huh??

(((((Eph)))))



CJ

Well I made it. It's 12:13 and finally June 6, 2007 is over, in the past, soon to be a memory - a memory of one of the worst days in my life.

Thanks everyone for your help today.

I got a call for a showing on the house today - had to make a mad rush to get the place in any condition to be shown. Luckily I had some extra hands.

Sky - that video was funny. I was wondering how far they would take it.

CJ - thanks for your post and e-mail. You've got mail as well. I like your idea, but I wust want to expand on the ring thing again.

The ring I wear, the one she gave me, symbolizes her commitment to me. I wear it as a reminder of that commitment, which like I said has been broken.

Now, my commitment to her remains; my vow to her was this:

B, I commit my love to you
And willingly share my life with you
I pledge myself to be your best friend
and give myself to share your burdens and dreams
I give myself to be your companion 'til death do us part.

However the rings I gave her to symbolize that probably sit at best in a jewelry box, at worst in a pawn shop for all I know.

Removing my ring, the symbol of her commitment, means acknowledging that her vow is broken. It doesn't do anything to change the fact that I am still committed to the relationship and to the marriage. Don't worry, I have no plans to act inappropriately <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I took the sample PBL linked in CJ's signature as a starting point, but I want to make it my own so I have some edits to make.

I did send WW a TM today - "It's our 9th anniversary today. It should be a happy day." Of course no response, but I didn't expect one. I'd be interested to know what she was feeling today.

E, that MAMA BEE will take care of you...she's awesome and watch out when the WS makes her mad! LMAO

Actually, I love the idea about the ring, mine hangs in the bathroom on a chain...I see it everyday!

I hope that this doesn't hurt or trigger, but I have plans to trade it in on something else, prehaps an opal ring! My birth stone! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> SOMething, so I will actually still carry around my M with me everyday, a symbol of where I have been and where I am going...

I also have a pair of earrings that he purchased for me...I love them, but they are really heavy...So, I figure I'll get something that I can live with...

AS I've told you, you are doing great! I didn't realize that you were selling the house, I hope that works out for you!

Wishing you well today! Thinking about you and supporting you all the way! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Agree that MAMA BEE CJ is awesome!

Today was busy being back at work after being out for 4 days. Add to it being in meetings all day.

I have come to accept that plan B is me getting out of God's way - letting Him take full control with me on the sidelines - sorta the ultimate substitution (to use a sports analogy) - as CJ described for me, sitting beside still waters while God restores my soul.

I talked to my lawyer today - there has been no movement from my WW's side since mediation several weeks ago. I think this weekend I will put together another proposal for the division of assets, property, etc,

We talked about the fact that in mediation there was no mention of alimony and whether that means that she admitted to something to her lawyer or whether that means they don't think they can overcome the circumstantial evidence I collected (cell phone from OM, pregnancy tests, video footage of OM in my car, statement from neighbor)

Also informed GAL of the results of the surgery. She mentioned she would also be following up with WW and I in the next few days.

DS6 had the last tube removed today. The doctor marveled at his speedy recovery, mentioning that it went much better than normal. Prayer indeed works.

Rin - not a trigger at all, even thought my WW's birthstone is an opal. They are gorgeous.

No luck on the house showing - I am getting frustrated with that. Someone reminded me again that maybe God has another plan, that maybe it's not time to sell the house yet.

Just emailed you and I got the answers...Oops! Oh well! Good to hear on DS...

AH, I'm the 9th, and her? I LOVE SOME OPALS!

Hard to take everything in stride huh?

Hi Eph,

There are times in all of our lives that I truly believe are moments of truth......moments of truth. It is what is meant to be.

It is about convergence or divergence. Nothing right or nothing wrong with it. It is about what life is all about. You know.....those things that mean the most to us and to others and what defines everything. Difference makers or what we hope to some day look back on and say that helped define my life and brought me wisdom.

In other words, it touches you....and you grow from it.....

I wish you the best. You have earned it and deserve it. And even better, I don't even know you. But I feel and hope for you and identify with you.

Some day soon it will be so very clear to you. Hold on to this. It really is all about the journey and the wisdom you gain. You can count on you.

You really are not alone. You have alot of strength. Rely on it.

You, my friend, are in my "reborn" family's prayers.....I've been where you are....be the best person you can be. Acknowlege your anger, and then release it to the wind. If not, resentment will build and "If you keep carrying that resentment, it'll eat you up inside."

Peace will come soon, it'll be another gift from God, and it will come in many forms! You've so earned it.

God Bless
MWIL

TJD and MWIL - thanks for your words of support.

Just checking in, I made it through today - yardwork, painting, browsing for new bedroom furniture.

Not much else right now. Just letting everyone know I am still here.

Eph,

Just saying hi and how ya doin?

I'm in a weird place right now, somewhere between plan A and plan B. Feels like a place of mourning again.

I'm done with plan A, I have no more energy for that, I've done the best I can do.

When I picked the kids up this afternoon I focused all my energy and excitement towards them. I really disconnected from WW, didn't say much at all to her. It hurts to look at her, and I don't want to feel the physical attraction to her that comes up whenever I see her. Like today, she wore this little white strappy tank top that I had bought her, somewhat see through, and had the waist of her shorts rolled down. Sorta like going to the buffet but not being able to eat <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I typed up a counter offer for settlement to send my my attorney to see what he thinks. There has been no legal movement of any kind from her since mediation. Not sure if that means anything. He also wants to hold off on any subpoenas for the time being.

Also trying to find out what's up with the GAL and when her recommendation on custody will be given.

I'm just trying to rest and make preparations for what is coming up next.