Eph,

Maybe it's just me, but I don't hear even a HINT of her wanting you to be there to take care of her or give her soup. I suspect going over there would be an LB and not a deposit, because you are disrespecting her wishes and forcing her to do YOUR wishes.

Soooooo...may I suggest that you TM "As you wish. I am here if you need me all day" and then leave her alone??

AGGGHHHHH! She just pi$$es me off for you! I'm sorry E!

happy father's Day Again! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Swing by her place. Maybe you can catch her dumping the kids on you to get an OM fix. This would be good to document.

OK, this is what I decided:

1. CJ - related to what you and I have discussed about WW being bi-polar, her pushing people away then thinking "Why am I being abandoned," I thought at worst I would just go to her house and leave the stuff. Also this would lead to...

2. Good thought Jim, I though through the same scenario. Rin also was thinking on these lines, asking "Is she really sick?" Like a Forest Ranger, let's check out the smoke...


So she TMed me back:
Just leave it on the porch. I will get it when I feel like it. Am nauseous.

Just be fore I got there, I called her to see if maybe I could take the dog out. She sounded surprised as she thought I had already been by her house. I said nope, I am on the way now and I will just leave the stuff on the porch.

I get there expecting to do just that and she is at the door waiting, opens it and I hand her the stuff. We chat briefly and I start to walk away and she says something that I couldn't hear. SO I go back to the door and she says "Thanks for bringing this over." (it was two single serving soup cans, salteen crackers, and a 2 liter diet Coke.)

We chat a few more minutes, I rub her neck for a second with no objections from her (remember at the hospital two weeks ago she asked me not to touch her?) I asked her if she wanted me to carry her to bed, wanted me to hold her, rock her, whatever. No to all.

Then she goes to sit down on the couch and I walk into the house and shut the door. I go to where she is, rub her neck some more, and then tell he I am taking her to bed. She protests, but gives in.

She falls on the bed, and I cover her with a blanket and tuck her in, then lay down beside her kinds spoon-like and begin to rub her head, stroke her hair, etc. Again no protests from her, but she mentioned that it feels awkward. I tell her it's not for me, but if she wants me to stop I will. No response - so I proceed to continue.

She asks how the kids are, where they are, etc and I tell her they are being taken care of. She asks if I went to work - I said nope because I couldn't find a sitter who wasn't busy. She asks if I worked at home - I said nope I just took vacation. She apologizes, and I just said sometime people get sick - it happens (trying not to lay too many of custody related cards on the table).

I rock her and she is getting sleepy. I bring up how in the past I would do this and talk soothingly to her and she would nearly instantly fall asleep. Her phone rings and she doesn't answer. She mentions she has talked to her mom and brother today about being sick (save this tidbit, more on this later). her eyelids are getting heavy. Again I ask if she wants me to stop and leave her alone - again no response, so I keep at it.

We are just quiet for awhile, still rocking her, still stroking her hair. She's asleep, and I sit up because I remember I left my car on because I didn't expect to be there long. She stirs and say she will be OK that I can leave if I want. I just repeat that the kids are taken care of and I was there to care for her. She says she is OK, so I take the stuff into her kitchen and lay it out for her, come back and kiss her on the forehead, and walk out.

After I left, I called her mom as I wanted to let her know how things were. Her mom said she did not know anything about WW being sick today, only that she had mentioned she did not feel good (no time frame given here). I mentioned that WW had told me she called her, and I was just giving her an update on her condition and that I had taken some food over. She thanked me for calling and said she would call WW later.

Hmmmm, seems strange to me. Didn't WW say she talked to her mom today? So I TM her brother a similar message about WW being sick, I took her some food, giving him an update since WW told me she had already talked to him today. No reply back yet on that.

I just TMed her this:
Just checking in again. Have you tried to eat? The kids were ill and I dodn't want to wake you so we will call you in the morning. Hope you sleep well. Thanks for letting me in today. Miss you.

Dang, this is long but I have one more thing to add.

The GAL called me to check in on DS6. She told me she has been so busy with court cases that she has not had much time to follow up on things with us. Se asked how things went during the days after the surgery, and I explained to her how I took time off work to stay home so that we did not burden DS6 with exchanging back and forth. She asked how things were with that now (making a reference to WW's scheduling surgery without consulting me first) and I said that was OK but that it could still be better (I didn't go into all of WW's lies yet, that time will come)

She (GAL) is not near a point to issue a recommendation on custody, and I know I had mentioned earlier that I wanted to consider that before doing plan B. Well if that's not gonna happen until July, I can either move forward with plan B or try to maintain the current course, hoping any of these recently planted seeds take root. I don't know if I can do that, but I expect that God will give me the strength to do it if that is indeed the path to take right now. I've put off talking to SH, so I think it's high time to make my next appointment with him and see what the expert has to say.

OK, I think that's all for now. Quite a lot for one day I think. I think having no expectations of anything today helped, because my hopes aren't up but neither are they shattered. I was just a husband caring for his wife today, wayward as though she may be.

Oh, Rin Thanks for the "happy father's day" wish. That really means a lot to me.

Wow, what a wonderful man you are. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Hang in there. You will be happy one day again.

WW TMed me back late last night:
I had a little bit of chic noodle & drink. Has stayed down-hopefully all is settling now. Thanks for bringing stuff by. Didn't need to though. I'm able to take care of myself. Hug and kiss kids for me. Tell them I love them.


Forecast calls for heavy fog today.

OK, I'm pissed and need to vent so I don't make any rash decisions (like plan FU)

I called WW to let the kids talk to her, DS6 actually asked this time The kids talk a little bit then I get the phone back.

I tell her we will see her tomorrow is she is at church. Then she says three words I did not think I would hear:

Happy Father's Day


I almost started crying and I kinda mumble "Thanks" and she asks "What's wrong?"

Uh, oh. So hard to not let loose with everything inside me.

Me: Everything is wrong.
WW: What do you mean everything?
Me: What do you think everything means?
WW: When did you start feeling this way?
Me: About 8 months ago.
<Quiet for a minute>
Me: I'll be glad to call you back after I get the kids in bed and give you all the details.
WW: How long will that be?
Me: we are just finishing up watching some cartoons (the kids love Speedy Gonzales).
WW: Is it the same stuff we have talked about? About us not being together?
Me: That's pretty much the core of everything that's wrong.
WW: Well I'll let you take care of the kids.
Me: So do you want to call me back or should I call you back?
WW: Just go take care of the kids.
Me: Have a good night. Bye.

OK, what the heck is all this? She wishes me a happy father's day and then has the nerve to ask what is wrong? As if she does not know. She can't even bring herself to feel any real thanks for me helping her out. To me, her "Thank yous" are just words trying to ease the pain of her outward expressions of feeling that she is capable of caring for herself. I think deep inside she was really thankful that I went over there and stayed with her. If she was not comfortable she would not have allowed me to do what I did and would not have allowed herself to fall asleep.

Maybe I am way off base, but I think she's scared. Scared for any feeling she may still have. Scared that I am really not like her dad who abandoned her and her whole family and who would not stand up for his own family against adverse conditions.

The message I have been getting from her is "I'll take whatever you are willing to give me then afterwards tell you how I did not want it and did not need it." The lightbulb just came on for me.

Well the light is going dark finally becuase plan B time is here. I can't wait for the GAL to make her recommendation. I have to protect what little love is left because I have said to myself "I am done" several times already after that phone call. I'm done with plan A.

PBL will be in my next post. I have to get out of this angry pissed off mood before I finish it.

Need to go take care of myself for a bit to recover.

way past time my friend...way past time. you have done an unbelievable plan A but that normally only works about 15% of the time. lots of plan B experts on here so let them help you.

Happy Father's Day to me and you!

Eph,

She has BECOME her father. She abandoned YOU and her family!

Please see this.

How's that PBL coming?

~ Marsh

Eph,

First, my analysis of what she is saying. I think you are very close to right on this. She says these things because she can sense you pulling away (and you have been!). It is like sonar...a ping now and then just to check your position and heading.

You are absolutely correct...she is scared. You are also correct that you are at the end of Plan A and you are about to undo everything you have done due to your anger and emotions.

We keep saying "it is time," but keep waiting on you to cross that line. Please pray on this and get moving before you screw up the almost perfect Plan A you have done. Your love for your wife...and maybe even a future relationship with her...all depend on you not screwing up now.

We are here for you to help thru Plan B. It will be rought at first...but you will survive and become empowered.

We are all standing by.

CJ - did you get my e-mail?

Yes, I did! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I had a customer all day today and I see you're up late. What's on your mind? Anything happening?


--CJ

I didn't see your plan B letter on this post.

New thread started.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3263059

This train has reached it's final destination.