So I have posted all over this list over the past few weeks. Today I finally got the truth from my wife and feel vindicated for the crap I have taken over the past few weeks. I felt it in my heart that there was something going on and many on this board supported that theory. I bluffed my wife finally and told her I new everything that was going on because I had seen all the texts. I pressured her a couple of times today. She finally said why do you want to know the truth..to shame me. I had just finished reading the book by Michelle Langley called Womens Infidelity. And it was absolutely truely amazing how almost everything that was said in the book my wife had said as well but it was very insightful for understanding many of the problems facing women in todays society. In any case I told her I have known her for 16 1/2 years and have been married to her for 14 that she needed to understand that whatever she said I would be able to handle it and forgive her. She finally broke down and told me she had an affair with my sons drum teacher. I was initially shocked, hurt, and in major pain and then angry over all the things said to me over the past several weeks but felt vindicated. And told her that I needed to get out of the house and away from her into a place where I can have the kids (Plan B). I think it is over between her and I now. Don't know what else to do from here.

Does she want it over? If not, I urge you to hang in there. Please realize, you can get through this. You're doing a great job, don't leave! Not yet.

What you could do is realise the message you might have just sent to your wife. Don't abandon her when she likely needs you the most. Yes, you're hurt - I stood exactly where you are standing now, and I can tell you it hurt like crazy to find out that my FWW had been with someone else. If felt like someone sucked all of my insides out. But I can tell you that it's too early to make a decision about what is going to happen to your M, and leaving her at this time is probably not going to help things.

Is the A over? Does she still have any sort of C with the OM? NC MUST be established, or recovery of yourselves and the M is going to be much more difficult than it has to be.

She has not had any other encounter with the person according to her but yes she still sees him because he is my sons drum teacher. THe things that she has defended over the past month absolutely blow me away. I told her that my son cannot go to him and her defense was that he is a good teacher. I told her I could go to the local prison and find people who are good teachers. Being a good teacher is just an action, this guy has no morals, can barely feed himself, sleeps around, has already moved on to somebody else and has a girl friend, does the music scene every night etc. She said well we will have to do this gradually until the divorce. I am bringing my son to a new teacher next week and then we will not be bringing him at all to the old drum teacher. Have anybody here read the bood WOmens Infidelity. Check it out at www.womensinfidelity.com. All of my wifes behaviors an what she has said have been described to a t in this book. The one time I let my wife do something outside the marriage with a guy I was not too familiar with to go to a concert with this guy was all she needed. I don't know here anymore from th stuff she has done over the past 2 months.

It makes absolutely no sense to argue with a WS who's still "fogged out" because of the A, and I'm speaking from experience here. Even if the OM was an ax-murderer on the side your FWW will probably still try to justify doing what she's doing. Just continue stating your boundaries. If you are interested in saving the M, it's time for Plan A and following the other MB concepts given on this site. But NC MUST be established.

If she ever does come out of the fog, she will realise for herself how horrible it must have been to continue taking her son to be taught by the person that raped and destroyed her M and caused so much pain to you.

But don't count on that... yet.

DM,

You finally got the truth! Now recovery can start. You told her that you could take whatever she had to say and now your are going to cut and run? How can you ever expect her to be honest with you again?

I know you are hurting. More to the point, I know how much it hurts! Been there; done that; got the tee shirt...and the scars, too.

You CAN recover from this, but YOU must decide to do so.
Plan B is NOT moving out when you find the truth for the first time. It is also NOT asking WW to move out. Plan B follows Plan A if no progress is being made in the way of recovering a marriage broken by adultery.

If you want to save your M, now is the time for Plan A, not B. If you would rather call it a day and move on without her, then make that decision and live with it, but don't call it Plan B, it is, in fact Plan D...as in divorce. Either way, it is time to "cowboy up!"

Mark