[color:"#333333"]For a while now I have preferred the times when I am not with my husband to the times I am with him. It's because I just never know when he will get overly cranky and critical, and downright rude.

Some background: We are in an international marriage, and I live in his country, with my son. (a step son to him) We are both from developed countries with a good living standard, but very far apart. We've been married almost 18 months.

There are 2 main issues that seem to be what starts conflict.

One is about politics. He hates HATES the politics of my country and is also very passionate about his politics. He will go on diatribes about how terrible my homeland is, how everyone there is stupid, and similar. My mom has opposite political views to ours and he has emailed her angrily saying how evil her politics are, and has even deleted her phone number from my phone saying that we don't need to associate with a person like her with those views. He says disparaging things about her and says he will "cricify" her when she visits us, etc.

He has taken the politics to the extreme of shouting about it suddenly in the middle of the night, storming about the house shouting and angry, saying hurtful things to me, blaming me in part for the politics, etc.

I feel since he married me, knowing I was from this country and that I had no desire to totally denounce my own country despite agreeing with the same politics as him. I actually love my country. I just don't get so emotional about it.

Should he have some sensitivity about my feelings about this? When I get upset sometimes he just accuses me of defending "them."

Then the other issues is housework. I am not a very clean or neat person and neither is he. If I am tired or stressed, the first thing I can drop is housework. He knew about this before we married and my mother even tried to warn him how messy I can be and he said it was OK.

I'm a student so I had a summer vacation this year. Housework became an issue around then. He says I wasted away the summer being lazy and doing nothing.

I was spending time with my son, picking up around the house daily, keeping the kitchen clean, vacuuming weekly, having dinner ready nightly, etc.

If he wants a neater house, that is a legitimate request, I think. His approach is the big problem. He tries to harrass and criticize me into doing it. He does not seem to know how to tell me what he wants nicely.

So we now have a pretty clean house most of the time. I looks lived in, but not too messy. Most days I keep the kitchen clean, we take turns cooking, I keep up with the laundry wit hhelp from him, etc. We both are away from home all day every weekday.

Yesterday, for instance I didn't do the few dishes in the sink and didn't put away laundy that was hanging to dry. I DID make the bed and generally pick up around the house.

At one moment in the evening he encouraged me to do what I wanted (play on the computer) and told me i was cute, etc. About 10 minutes later, he starts to wash the dishes and says to me, "Why don't you do something useful now?

I started crying right away because he often makes disparaging comments about my laziness, irresponsibility, unreliability, the things I didn't do, etc. I am always afraid of getting my feelings hurt this way to the point I usually scramble to do housework every evening. He will thro in my face the summer I "wasted," and even one particular day when I was home and did very little housework.

Also according to him I do almost everything wrong, and he has to "teach" me the proper ways of doing things. If he cleans, I sould drop what I am doing and join, even though I clean alone plenty and prefer it that way. If anything is damaged or showing wear in the house, he blames me angrily.

I feel I can not relax or have peace in my own home and I am always afraid, hurting, etc. When I try to express this to him he sometimes gets angry and annoyed and says I don't consider HIS feelings.

I do cry easily and get very emotionally upset often when he criticises me or commands me to do something. I am the louder of the 2 of us in a conflict, but he blames, has a look on his face and a tone in his voice that could kill.

Last night he said my emotionalness was emotional abuse on HIM. I tried to actually leave to go to a friend's house a couple of times and he coaxed me back and once threatened to cancel my phone and bank card if I left. Then at another point he demanded my sim card and bank card, which I didn't give him and he didn't try to get them. This scared me. He once broke our son't sim card in half in anger, thankfully when my son was not around.

I am home today because last night's fight drained me, a too-often ocurrence these days. I am very tempted not to be home at all when he comes home from work because I dread his coming home.

I'm emotionally and physically exhausted and browbeaten. I can't live like this anymore and there is definitely more detail I left out!

Help! Advice? Is this abuse? What to do?
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Your marriage is young, most of this is typical, division of labor. Politics? I was very involved in politics, very. We were on the same side. What a waste of time!! Your marriage is not about politics, and certainly no one is going to be convinced to change their views while the person who's claiming to be right is acting wrong, insecurity. Politics should not be an issue, it's a distraction, why? Why is there a need to demean? Better figure it out. He is very insecure. Of course this cannot be told to him because he can't/won't see it. Just be aware. You seem to be very independent and loyal, that, he, percieves as a threat. He does not feel like you are dependent on him enough.

Welcome, Soyyo, to MarriageBuilders...

A great place to learn how relationships work and marriages can thrive.

Your emotionality is abuse, IMO, because you blame him for what YOU'RE feeling...rather than define your boundaries and enforce them with predetermined, progressive steps.

You're betraying yourself here...and you're in a parentship instead of a partnership. Most likely, you were attracted to your H for his fatherly qualities...his passion...and now you see the negative side of these same qualities, you don't want to be around him. Totally normal. We tend to want people to stay the way we perceived them to be when we first met them...and he is...only now, you do not like the negative side of the same trait.

Is your H acting abusive? Yes. Neither of you are listening, hearing the other...and acknowledging...nor seeing that what is yours...your thoughts, feelings, beliefs and perceptions...are really yours. And his are really his...you're not the cause, control or cure of anyone on the planet...you can't be...we are all human, limited in our power...and you're throwing yours away each time you believe he's making you feel, think something.

What is the premise of your life? Do you want to live in truth? Do you want to be open and honest, intimate with your partner? Do you believe you're equal to him, as marvelously made, without defect? Can you separate who your H is from his choice of action? Can you do that with yourself?

Read all you can on this website...learn about your part, your power...your Love Busters (LBs), Emotional Needs (ENs) and his...trying choosing NOT to react from your feelings and act from your beliefs...get to know what your feelings are signalling you...what information they are bringing.

You've had this go 'round before in relationships...and you'll continue to come up against these same issues again and again until you get your own power, your own part.

Listen and repeat...when you share what you feel, use only "I" statements...I feel, I think, I believe...I hear. Make sure you listen and clarify what you hear...your own personal filter can hear one thing and he might very well be saying another.

Put your focus back on yourself...where only you have control and power...know your goals and intents...if it is to leave this marriage, then state it...if it is to save it...take it to thriving instead of surviving, then own and state that...knowing and sharing yourself with your partner is intimacy...whether your partner does or not. Begin to learn how to be true to yourself...what permissions you give yourself which harm you as well as your marriage...and choose to believe there are three of you in this partnership...there's you, him and The Marriage. Then you'll know you can choose to honor the marriage, even when you do not feel right now like honoring HIM...state your stuff, own it, to respect the marriage, even when you fear angering him...know his anger is his own signal...from his beliefs...his truth, not The Truth.

Nor is your truth, The Truth.

You can change your life, Soyyo...so you stop cycling through the same stuff again and again...which may appear different on the surface, still boils down to rejection, invalidation, inferiority...fear of abandonment...and it doees this because these are in you, your filter...and your true self is desperate for you to learn your own boundaries, stop betraying and resenting, corroding yourself...and get to where you love from choice, from your power, not to soothe, calm or change someone else.

Because you can't.

LA