Can't find my thread, so here is an overview and update.

Dday, July 8th. WH confessed and moved to a hotel for two days. Moved home and committed to M because of "pressure" he felt from his parents and me (his words). He said he couldn't see us suffer that such also so he decided to give up OW because that's the least damaging path. Still views his A as a love story gone wrong. Saying that he hates any affection or love from anybody after this.

NC since mid september. No NC letter. I didn't push it since OW seems to enter NC together with him after mid september.

Now after 2 and a half months, things are looking up. FWH has been accountable, doing a lot of future planning, trying to help out a lot at home, trying to amend his relationship with his parents ( due to the A, his parents got very mad at him). Pretty nice to me most of the time. We get along well. I have been making changes and he seems to like that and making some changes himself ( like he never was good at playing with kids, and now he spends more time with them ). In general, we are doing ok.

But, he is still untouchable emotionally. We still can't touch the topic of his A yet. He shuts down completely whenever I try to talk any serious or emotional issues. Still have problem giving or receiving affections. The last one is really killing me inside sometimes.

Usually our nights go like this: he spends a lot of time working from home even at night ( his job is very demanding and requires long hours and great concentration ). The atmosphear is relaxed and he feels pretty happy and in good mood most of the time. Then it's time to sleep and he just stays in his side of the bed, never venture to touch or hug me if not asked to. We could talk. Sometimes good talks, about future, kids, friends, childhood, etc... but he just never venture to my side and try to show his affections. I give him signs, very clear signs that I need it, but he just seems like perfectly happy with the way it is. And I sometimes try to tell him that I need a hug. He would say it's not comfortable sleeping and hugging me at the same time. He gives it to me though, but very reluctantly. When I try to hug him, he doesn't say much. I feel weired. He told me he hates any affections and love from anybody and maybe he is trying to show me he is true to his words??
I can't figure it out. I can't figure out if he truly feels annoyed by my affection at this stage, or he is just blocking his own feelings just to show me that he is not ready for this yet?? I told me I felt rejected like this and he couldn't comfort me. He still says he is not capable of giving and receiving affection from anybody?? How can this be true? What should I do at this time? Leave him alone and suppress my own feelings? I truly love this man who lies besides me and falls asleep every night in his corner trying very hard to prop up a wall between him and me emotionally...What can I do to tore down the wall he built in his head?

I know I probably still need to plan A single sided for sometime. I have been making changes and things are improving. I'm just afraid if I have the energy to continue much longer with him not participating (he participates only from outside, doing all nice things, but not inside, like emotionally open up and showing affections, etc). I'm bad at communicating and he is worse. We never learned to talk efficently during difficult times. I know he wants life to be normal as soon as possible but with him behaving like this, how can we heal?

LA, I posted you on the recovery board, my experience with this. I hope it helps.

Hi Everybody:

During holidays we went on a skip trip with friends and it was nice during the day. H was nice and caring most of the time. Nights were bad. He was still avoiding intimacy and I had a hard time controlling my anger. I kept telling myself: be nice to him and no LBs, but I just felt it's so unfair that after so long and so much he still behaved like the one who hurt more and needed taken care of and not reaching out to my pain... But overall the holidays went with us feeling a little closer and him feeling more connected to the real life.

I asked him about contact again after the New Year and he said no. Still short, but not as angry as before.

Two days ago I checked on the history of webpages he went through and found that he was doing research on affairs. All the pages he visited talked about the real face of affairs and how it's destructive, etc and I hope he got closer to realizing that his A is not something special.
He also searched for treatment of depression and in the survey he answered the question that he was "feeling sad frequently", "irritable" and "lack of energy". I think he is mildly depressed now due to his lingering feelings to the OW and his guilt. I don't know which part of the guilt weights more on him: his guilt of abandoning her (his words) or the damage he caused his family. He hasn't opened up to me yet...

He is still not able to give affection. But he talks more and involves more with kids. His tone is generally softer and he is less angry when I initiate any serious talk. He still doesn't respond, but in genenral softened a little.

I assume there is NC from mid september. All the things I can check is clean and my gut feeling tells me that there has been no contact. He also checked on website about lost love and theaffairisover web sites, which signals to me that he thinks it's truly over. But his feelings to OW are still there and maybe pretty strong sometimes. So in theory he is still in withdrawal, right?? It has been 3 months and what can I do to make it disappear faster? I am getting very impatient sometimes and thinking about doing a 180 very often, but a little afraid that I didn't do a good enough plan A and a 180 will drive him away.

The other thing is that my asking him to hold me at night sometimes really seem to annoy him. But his arms still feel so good around my tummy when I sleep. Is it selfish to ask him to do that? We were sleeping like that all along before his A and now he told me that he didn't remember that !! If it's selfish what do I do to contain my desire to ask?? I tried many times to sleep on my side, not touching him, but have been having a real hard time doing that and most of the time ended up asking him. He usually does what I ask, but I do sense his unwillingness most of the time. What can help me to stop asking...I was thinking about sleeping in another room, but thinking about Karen's case I'm afraid it's hard to move back later on...But sleeping in the same bed with him on the edge, non touchable is just so hard for me!! Please help in this...

Thanks for listening to my rambling. I hope the new year brings new hope to each and every family here on this board...

LAlong

Withdrawal takes longer in some than others. Would he consider taking some anti-depressants?

It took my FWW 4 months after NC for "things" to improve. One day while we out Christmas shopping she just cracked and talked all day then started to cry.

When it was over she told me she felt used and how wrong it was and how sorry she was and so on.

Stick to it and don't give up, it takes time. Sloooow some times though I know.

Thanks for posting here.
I followed your thread and nc007's before the holidays. I wonder why he just disappeared??
Your story give me a lot of hope. I'm trying to stick to it as long as I can. I will try to focus on positive things and keep going for a while. my H does seem very committed to our M, planning things ahead of time and more involved with kids and house work. He listens better also. I really need to do a better job trying to not put too much pressure on him. He told me he felt too pressured sometimes.
He was on AD right after the break up. But he stopped the Med since he told me that he felt he could deal with it. He started to take SJW couple of days ago, hopefully it's going to help things a little.
I'm trying to hang in here for as long as I can...
Thanks for posting to me again.

LA

If you are worried about contact change cell phone numbers and block out email addresses. He doesn't even need to know that you blocked a sender, just do it. It is really easy if he uses yahoo or hotmail.

LovingAlong,

I offer you SKM's Chronicles for some insight into how a least one WS evolved following her affair. I have had the pleasuare of actually meeting SKM and her H. They are now proud parents, which they weren't at the time of their affair. Please read it and I think you will get a sense of what recovery can be like on the other side.

Click on the bookmark SKM's Chronicles

Oh, just a thought. When you ask your H a question about his feeling be patient. Just sit there and let him think, it may take several minutes, don't ask further questions, don't rephrase unless he asks, just sit and wait.

Most of us guys did NOT grow up talking about our feelings, thus we don't have pre-patterned phrases to describe them. He will have to find the words and that may take what seems like a very long time. Give him the time, but just sit there and wait.

just a suggestion.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks guys for giving me advice.

Jim: We did change cell phone numbers. Last contact was through business email which is almost impossible for me to snoop. I tried to trust my instinct and watch for his behavior as my way to know if there is contact or not, and so far I think I'm very sure that no contact of any kind since 3 to 4 months ago. And I asked him for contact also and he said no every time. I know about their last contact by asking him and he told me when I asked. So I decided to trust his answers.

JL: I read about the time lines of a FWS's journal and it's quite helpful. Thanks for providing me that.

This weekend we did talk quite a lot, well mostly I talked.
He did open up a little but it's not what I wanted to hear. He has been quite depressed the whole week. He told me that he was not sure if we could work out. He told me that he was not sure if he could ever find happiness again in his life. He felt that his life was all ruined and that's why he was very depressed. He even said that the reason he came back was because he thought I would have had a hard time finding a good husband again with two kids ( How disrespectful ! I couldn't help but told him that if that's the reason he could leave any time but he refused to leave) and the other reason was the kids, he said it would be so cruel to the kids if we couldn't work out...And obviously he still had strong feelings with the OW after such a long time without any contact. He said it might be better if he could have a little contact so he wouldn't be so depressed ...

It doesn't sound good, does it?

But one positive thing is that I know for sure that he is in withdral still after 4 months and no contact had happened so I could trust him a little more on that.

Since he is quite desparate to get out of his depressed and get a hold of what's going on with him, I did try to "educate" him although I know it's annoying for him somehow. I told him that he is not alone in feeling the way he is feeling and it's called withdral. I told him that other people was in our sitation and it will get better with no contact. Basically I read the "withdral guid" I got from the internet to him... If it was one month ago, he would have been very angry and this time he seemed easier to talk to. He didn't agree of course, but I think it really helped him in one way or anothe.

Saturday night we had a good night, peaceful and kind of loving. I didn't feel the urge to ask for affections but I did feel that he felt close to me and he needed me for his emotional well being. I gave him his medicione (SJW) and he was grateful that I was loving. I could tell from the way he behaved. He talked softly and nicely to me and we talked about our spring vacation with friends and our next ski trip in Feb. We slept snuggled together early morning before he went to work. He got up every morning around 6 to commute to the city to work.

This morning I felt ok. I know I need to stay in plan A some more time. He does respond of my plan A. I do think that his recent depression also has something to do with his guilt and shame.

I know we need consoling big time, but he refuses. Do you guys feel that if I keep on doing plan A and meeting his needs, we will be alright in the end? Sometimes I feel too tired to keep on doing it...He is a very persimistic person and I think his lenght of withdral also has something to do with his personality...

Any advice or encourage is much needed here.

Loving Along,
Sorry that it took me so long to get back to you. How are things with you lately? Anything progressing in the bedroom or are you staring at his back still? Did you decide to stay in the bed with him or move to another one?

We are still sleeping separate. I'm trying very hard to get the baby out of our bed though. I think that longer he remains in our bed, the longer that my WH remains out.

Have you had anymore conversations with your WH regarding his happiness, etc.? Plan A is really tough, there is no doubt that we BS need a lot of patience in order for it to work. Hang in there. I get really tired of doing it also. There are times that I cannot help myself & I give him the cold shoulder, etc. but then I think about it for a bit & come back at him with my kindness & love! It's weird but it's what we HAVE to do for now.

K

LovingAlong,

About the counseling...are you saying you are not seeing an MC yourself? Why not? Are you predicating your choices on his? That would be too heavy for me...even depressing.

Get yourself to counseling with an open invite for him to join. Like going to Home Depot to acquire the tools to repair your house...which has been torn apart. You can go...doesn't mean it's worthless if he chooses not to.

You determine what you value, what aids you, what you do for you and what you do for your marriage. All yours.

Communication exercises, RC and UA time...all the Harley rules of marriage...you do your half...for you, about you...not based on him. His choices. Respect his stuff...not refute or attempt to change. "I hear you believe you'd feel less depressed if you had some contact, is that correct? Thank you for your honesty."

He chooses contact, then you can choose separation. Not about you making or him making...it's about owning our own choices.

LA