You can read my story in Divorcing thread...Separation with Counseling.

My wife tells me she does not love me anymore, does not trust me, does not want to make me happy etc. because of the emotional LB's we've done to each other throughout the years.

She does not want to kiss, hug or hold, but she will have sex with me, and tells me it changes nothing about how she feels. It's sex and just leave it at that.

Am I stupid for doing this? Should I abstain from asking for it? I really don't know why she does this while having no feelings for me. It's just sex and that's it, maybe a small hug afterward.

I'm constantly "looking" for the new spark....but it's not there yet. I still need to work out my issues.

Should I withold initiating anything? I don't want to go cold, but it's hard to be warm when she's cold. Should I withdraw completely, or keep showing her I'm working on loving her?

I'm not an experienced advisor when it comes to alcohol addiction but I'd guess she's done meeting your needs and feels like sex with you right now is meeting HER needs and she's giving you the opportunity....ON YOUR OWN...to get help for your problems. If I were you I'd accept it. It may help keep you two somewhat connected during YOUR recovery.

Dr. Harley insists that marriage counseling comes AFTER any chemical addiction is properly treated.

I think I read on the other board you just started AA and acknowledged your dependence. HOORAY...now the hard part. ..the follow through. Remember, any alcoholic can quit drinking....for a time...but if they fail to utilize a dependence recovery program and address the causes/reasons they choose to drink...they just go back to drinking. Don't wait for complete rock bottom...no family and divorce...you are hopefully close enough right now and scared enough to feel it.

Good luck to you DF

Mr. Wondering

DF, have you done any sleuthing to see if there is an affair going on here? Does she have any close male friends? Why does she say she "can't trust you?" What is that about?

And secondly, I noticed that someone on the other forum told you it would come across as "uncaring for her feelings" if you refused to move out at her request. You should NOT move out of your home. You were exactly right when you said that you cannot work on your marriage if you aren't there. Moving out would be a TRAGIC MISTAKE that would only increase your risk of divorce.

What do you think brought her to a place where she doesn't care anymore? Was it sudden? Did it happen AFTER she started back to work? Or before?

Umm, I would skip the sex until you KNOW you are the only one she is doing it with, she has been tested for STD's and it involves something more than "in & out, repeat as necessary." If your WW will not kiss you during sex(or at other times)... that is a true sign of her feelings... so why should you want to have sex with her?

Before the job. I don't believe an affair is going on. She is home most of the time with our kids 7 and 4. Before this job she had about 3 hours total of time to herself each day and it was late at night where she'd watch her TV and visit with her girlfriend next door. I've watched the texts and e-mail periodically and I don't suspect anything and I've also felt guilty for even doing that.

The reason for not caring is her defense against my cycle. My cycle of alcoholic weekends and lazyness. I've addressed that and am on a recovery path 6 days so far. That 6 days does not make up for anything I've done and the neglect I've demonstrated to the family. All I did was go to work, come home, drink and be alone. Ther are several reasons for that but that's another story.

The household needs have not been met, and other EN's I'm learing about. The good thing is we've been talking and spending time together. I've spent more time with her this week than I have in months.

The cycle of me making promises about upholding my end of the deal then going right back to my old ways is what the issue is. She's blocked me out to show me how tired of this she is and how serious it it as well.

DF, thanks for the explanation. Essentially, you have been in an affair with alcohol, which as you can see, has been a huge lovebuster for her. I thnk you are on the right track by stopping that behavior and going to lots of meeting. Just stopping drinking will not be enough, though. Alcoholics have primarily a LIVING problem and unless that is addressed, they will never get out of that vicious cycle. So, I would suggest lots of meetings along with finding a sponsor.

It will take alot of hard work to demonstrate to her that you have changed. Alcoholics are notorious for talking a good game just to get people off their back and then going back to the status quo as soon the heat is off. So, hang in there and stick to your plan.

M:

Exactly. You seem to know a lot about the process of true recovery. I've fully embraced it, admitted to myself and God my faults and am asking for His help. I need to live my life to help and serve my partner, children, family, friends and others who need help. It feels great to have this atttitude so far and I've only been in this spiritual spot for the past 24 hours.

The change that needs to happen is radical, but I know I'm on the right path. I've never asked God to help me before in a way that wasn't totally selfish.

I've realized that I've tried to be a 'normal' drinker for 10 years, but failed every time. This is the cycle of alcholoics. They keep trying to change things to prove they are normal so they can keep drinking. Like changing types of booze, only boozing on weekends, parties only etc. I was never a 24/7 drinker like many progress into, but I know I have this disease that will take me there if I don't stop forever.

My wife has told me I've been cheating on her w/ Alchohol in the past. I justified it as not even in the same category as cheating on someone, but now I know it is. It's just another type of cheating and utter selfishness.

I only hope someday she can forgive me, but I'm not expecting that for some time, if ever.

Blessings to you Df. I can only imagine how hard what you are going through is.

Being brought to your knees is an incredible opportunity for growth, if you allow it to be, and it is easy to see that you are one of the lucky ones who is.

Your wife is exactly right about cheating with alcohol. As a recovering alcoholic myself, [21 year sober] I can attest to this that we are completely emotionally devoted to alcohol so there is no room for a real live person. Alcohol keeps us cut off and you will realize this more and more as you learn to live sober and join the human race.


This describes, I think, the MAJORITY of alcoholics. Strangely, most don't drink 24/7 but play games with it as you have. I only drank every other day and this was my "proof" that I wasn't an alcoholic. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> It was just a silly game.

Will she go to Alanon?

I have not considered that. One guy in AA said they told his wife to leave him.

Maybe he needed to be left? They dont preach leaving the alcoholic, but they do teach the spouse to live peacefully with the alcoholic. It would be beneficial to your marriage.

Can't hurt to offer it up to her I guess. I'll do that.

I think she's more likely to seek help if you suggest it as something SHE may like to do.

By suggesting Alanon would somehow be supporting YOU or better for your marriage may be just the thing that prompts her NOT to want to go.

Alanon...is for her...individually.

Am I right, Melody????

Mr. Wondering

EXACTLY!