|
|
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222 |
Repost from Infidelity/Just Found Out board: Well, here’s my story - hope I can keep it short. Wife and I both 29 years old. Been married for close to 10 years. Have 2 kids (14yr. old daughter (hers from previous marriage) and 6 year old son). Up until 2 – 3 months ago, I thought our marriage was doing o.k. Sure, we had some problems, but I thought we were still “o.k.”. Then wife got a new job, which she REALLY likes (and REALLY likes her boss). Long story short, I was having some emotional problems, and I understand that I was not meeting her EN (and had not been for a long time). So about a month ago, my suspicions of her relationship to her boss seemed to be confirmed by the cell phone bill. Some calls at inappropriate times and dates, etc. I went to see a counselor (both for me personally, and to start dealing with the problems in our marriage). He seemed to agree with me that “something” was going on. I kept quiet to her about what I knew, as counselor directed me to, and with information I found here, started being a better husband in the EN area, etc. When the counselor had a session 1 on 1 with her about a week ago – she admitted that she had been pursuing “something else” – but that she was backing off of it since she had seen some changes in me, and knew that I was trying to work things out. The counselor didn’t want to push her right then, so he didn’t get any more information – just that she had been “pursuing something else”. Right now that’s where I’m at. I know something has happened – whether EA and/or PA is not known.
It’s so hard to think about. The scenarios running through my mind are just unbearable – the business (???) trips the two took, her “working late”, etc. I just can’t handle the thoughts anymore – so I contacted the counselor and told him that I couldn’t keep quiet anymore. I have to know what’s really going on (or what did happen, if she’s truly backing off of it). I have an appointment tomorrow with him, and then we are going to set up an appointment for the both of us where he will mediate the “confession”, if she will confess to me.
I’m so scared of that – I want to know but am scared to find out. What hurts the most is knowing that she really does LOVE her job – it’s the type of job she’s been waiting a LONG time to find, one that is a once in a lifetime position in our location (I am NOT willing to relocate). I know that when there is any type of A at work, the WS should immediately quit their job to sever the ties with the OP. But I know that if I were to demand that, WW would hold a HUGE amount of resentment against me for it, or even worse, would choose the job over me. So I’m not sure how to handle that. Any thoughts? Any advice for me during the appointment when/if she admits something – what should I do, say, etc.???? Thank you in advance to anyone with advice. I have felt really alone during all of this, and just lurking around this site has helped me tremendously. Thank you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222 |
You need to gather some more information. What kind of snooping can you do? If she might communicate to him via email I would suggest a keylogger, and you might need to install a GPS on her car to track her movements if you think it has become a PA. Also, find out as much about her boss as possible. Is he married? Right now continue to plan A and meet her emotional needs. When you get more information, I would then confront her. WW will never tell the truth so you need something concrete to go on that they can't back out of. If she refuses to end contact, inform her HR department. My company has a policy against bosses fraternizing with their subbordinates, especially if there is an appearance of any impropriety. This might make her afraid to lose her job. I'll stop right here and leave it up to the pros to give you more help.
- Jim
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 5
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 5 |
Well, other than the cell phone bill, there's really not much more I can do to snoop. (Since they work in the same office, there's no need to use the home computer for anything.) I did stumble on to a letter (presumably to him) where she was detailing what she felt needed to happen before she would leave (get finances in order, make sure kids were going to be alright, etc.). I did confront her about that, of course she denied - and that was before I got the cell bill that listed some of her calls to his cell and home - that's when I put it all together.
He is married - with 2 young daughters. He's pres. of the company, the only people he answers to are the manufacturers in Europe....
So any thoughts on what to say when/if she confesses to either an EA or PA or both? I think I can handle the EA better than PA, but I'm trying to think of what to say in either case. She has been supportive of me since I initiated the counseling - but just the very fact that she still works with him kills me and gives me so many questions - like tonight, it's month end and she has mentioned that she will probably need to work late. She thinks that I have a problem with her succeeding in her job - and since I agreed with the counselor about not confronting her with everything yet, I can't tell her the real reason why I'm "down" when she works late.... Ugggggghhhhhhh. I'm really not looking forward to tonight.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 833
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 833 |
Why don't you surpise her by bringing her some takeout since she has to work late?
Her reaction to your gesture will tell you quite a bit.
WTF
*** Warning *** Make sure brain is engaged before shifting mouth out of Neutral.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222 |
How are you doing financially? If you don't have time to spy on her, maybe you could hire a PI that could get you some answers. When you expose (even if you can't get anymore information), you should definitely call the OMW, and that could end it in a hurry. Even if they haven't had a PA, I'm sure the OMW would not want an inappropriate relationship with your WW to continue. The OMW is your key to fixing the situation. Get as much evidence as you can (the cellphone records, the letter, and any new evidence you can gather), and expose to her family friends, and especially OMW. Most OM will dump their A partner like trash if they fear they will lose their family and be taken to the cleaners in a D. Exposure is the key, but try and gather as much evidence as you can in the next week. Don't be afraid of angering your WW with exposure. My WW said any chance at reconciliation was ruined when I exposed, but 5 days later she agreed to NC (after I had been trying to get her to NC for the 2.5 months prior). Most WW want to jump from your relationship to the next, but if that relationship crumbles, they will likely come running back to you. Stand up for yourself. There is nothing wrong with you, just her.
- Jim
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 5
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 5 |
Walkingthefield and jmwc - thank you for your replies.
Last night turned out better than I had hoped. Walkingthefield - on my 30 min drive home last night I thought about the same thing! Then my phone rang, it was WW, telling me she wouldn't have to work late after all!! Soooo much relief... We actually had a nice evening at home.
Jmwc - I agree with what you say about exposure. I'm thinking that during my appt. with the counselor today, I'll ask him about some of that. I guess it comes down to her reaction to my confronting her - if she confesses, and I feel/think it's genuine, I would have a hard time taking it further by contacting the OMW. If the confession is genuine, just having her send a "No PERSONAL contact" letter could help put me at ease. I know that by her still working there it wouldn't be ideal, but maybe start out with a NPC letter and see where it goes from there???? I don't know - am I thinking clearly about this? THANK YOU AGAIN.
|
|
|
|
0 members (),
1,361
guests, and
92
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,624
Posts2,323,522
Members72,026
| |
Most Online6,102
Jul 3rd, 2025
|
|
|
|
