I think the term I've heard Dr. Harley use is that we are all "wired" to have affairs. Maybe he means that biologically speaking, we are genetically predisposed to propagate the species through reproduction.

All of us, strictly speaking, are capable of having an affair unless we are somehow emotionally or physically handicapped in some way that would absolutely prevent us from doing so. Whether all of us would actually engage in such activity given the opportunity I think is questionable.

Some would argue that a human being is capable of engaging in just about any kind of behavior under the right conditions. If you believe that, then the question of whether any one person is likely to engage in an affair is dependent on a certain threshold of conditions.

Clearly, many cheaters have a very low threshold at which they will engage in infidelity.

NB,


Even from my BS point of view, my wife's affair and the events that followed seem somehow "fated." By that I mean it seems as though everything about it is following a predictable path to the destruction of our marriage, and that nothing I do can stop it.

This has obviously struck a nerve with you. I have compassion for a WS that wants and takes actions to change. I do not have comapssion for those that choose to continue down that path... and it is a choice. A sad choice... but a choice nonetheless.
Again... for some reason you seem to be bothered that I am saying it is not IN me to do that. Why, I don't know.
I am humble in that God has allowed me to not be tempted by drugs, alcohol, homosexuality...infidelity... there by the grace of God go I. I do not fight those demons.... I feel bad for those that do.... but I am not amongst that crowd.
Now, I would love not to have to battle other issues that some people do not have to deal with... but they are my crosses to bear. I do find compassion from others that are not similarly afflicted.
It is just when it comes to issues of character I have seem to have a firm setting on my moral compass. Others may not always agree with me... but I know what is right for me and live accordingly... trying to have as little regret as possible. It has been said by my friends that my tombstone should one day read... "Do the right thing." It's one of my favorite sayings.

Probably not in the way you think.

Choosing to believe I'd never have an A had consquences for me.

~ Marsh

I would add only this - if one's version of plan A demands the utter surrender of one's dignity, it may be less effective. WS need to be reminded of the virtues of the BS. A willingness to accept humiliation or ignobilty are rarely considered to be virtues IMO.

BS, show the BEST of onesself, including one's nobility, not just servitude.

Statistically speaking...according to ONE study.

In 5 years, unhappily marred persons that stuck it out are more likely to be happy than unhappy and divorced persons...by a wide margin.

I've posted this before but instead of posting it I'll just post the link for those interested in the whole study.

LINK TO AMERICAN VALUES STUDY ON DIVORCE AND HAPPINESS

W

If you say so. I say that having the A is what caused you consequences.... not the belief that you couldn't do it. Perhaps one of the reasons that I KNOW it could never happen to me is that I refuse to put myself into certain situations. I don't need to guard against them... just like I don't need to swear off alcohol. I am in control of what I do and how I respond to those things. I saw firsthand (as a child) the damage that can be done as a result of an A... and took that knowledge with me into my relationships. I would rather be cheated on than be the cheater. I can look at myself in the mirror each day without worry. One of the things that I have a hard time understanding about WS's is not that they screwed around... I get that... it is how they are able to look at their family and lie. I just don't get it... never will.

I can even understand the lying . . . after all, they're just trying to keep the affair going without upsetting the family applecart. What I can't understand is why they are willing to destroy the family to maintain the affair.

No. They each had separate consequences.

~ Marsh

Okay, I am glad you are in a different place now.
I wish you nothing but luck and God's grace.

Yes, so am I.



Thanks.

Right back at you.


~ Marsh

Hiker:

I might be wrong but I get the impression that you are an intellectualizer like me. I look for a book or an article to deal with my dilemmas...and often what I learn and read are comforting if not helpful.

However, regarding my H's affair, it helped me to ACCEPT that I WAS NOT GOING TO COMPREHEND what he was doing.

That was the case while I was in the midst of it.

Now I understand a lot about OUR SITUATION clearly.

But there was NO COMPREHENDING my H WALKING AWAY FROM AND DESTROYING HIS WHOLE LIFE FOR AN ALIEN WOMAN CREATURE...

Again quoting Steve Harley: "That's the nature of an AFFAIR..it is SELF-DESTRUCTIVE like any other ADDICTION...."

You can't comprehend craziness.

I'm sure your H can't comprehend what he did either.

A's are evil and mind altering insanity trips.


~ Marsh

Yep, Marsh.

When I ask my H, "How could you have done this or that?"..He often responds: "I WAS CRAZY"....with that sad, sad look in his eyes...

I talked to SH about this a little while ago. We were talking about LB's, dishonesty, specifically. I said that prior to this, I believed, and so did my WH, and EVERYONE else who knew him, that he was **incapable** of dishonesty. Really, I thought his head would explode if he ever told a lie. And I also knew that I knew that I knew that he was ***not capable*** of infidelity. That his character and integrity and moral code were so strong that there was no way I'd ever have to worry about that from him.

I asked SH how in the world I reconcile that with where we are now.

He said that the MAJORITY of WS's that he works with are exactly that kind of person. Totally honorable and honest and strictly adhering to their moral code. And they, and everyone around them, believe that of all the people in the world, THIS person would never be CAPABLE of being wayward. He mentioned pastors and counselors and cops (my WH is a cop) as examples.

Steve said that that reliance on their integrity and ethics and code are exactly what gets them in trouble. Because they (and everyone around them) belive that there is no way they would ever fall into this problem (or whatever problem it is), they don't take precautions against it. They don't have a plan or strategy in place to maintain that ethical code, because they don't think they need one. So then when things happen that are outside of the norm, the STB-WS thinks "this is no big deal, I can handle this, I'm above this. This won't be a temptation..."

Then the next time, the temptation goes a little further, and the STB-WS still thinks they are above it, it's not affecting them.

And it keeps going a little further at a time, until the person who used to be incapable of having an A suddenly finds that the character and integrity that they thought they had has eroded, bit by bit, and without that to rely on anymore, they have no plan to protect themselves from falling into the hole that they've dug.

(it reminds me of those "I'm just going to try meth this one time .... I'll never be like THAT guy" commercials)

Kind of a long way of agreeing with Marsh on this .... relying on your outstanding character and just knowing that you will never have an affair will not protect you from it given the right circumstances. It's having a plan in place to protect you from ever being in the wrong situations, or from making the decisions that lead up to an affair -- I think that's the only way to prevent them.

Probably why so many people say "I thought it could never happen to me". I'm sure that most everyone who gets married does it with the **intention** of staying faithful. But how many start a mariage with a plan for preventing unfaithfulness?

We sure didn't. We didn't think that we'd ever have to worry about it.

-AmI.

I know that look.

I know how that look feels.

*shudders*

~ Marsh

OMG, Ami....THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU FOR SHARING THIS!!

This explains my H EXACTLY...

Mimi..printing this out right this minute...

So this is why my H is sooo committed to his boundaries, now?

mimi,

Yes, I do tend to analyze something to death. It's a drive to understand it all. In this case not understanding causes me some fear.

AmIok,

Steve's explanation makes sense to me. I certainly thought my wife incapable of infidelity because I have always thought of her as a pillar of moral strength when it came to family (everyone else did too). And I mistakenly believed her love for me was stronger than any possible attraction to a third party.

I was wrong.

That mistake is going to cost me my marriage.

Exactly!

~ Marsh

I am less dismayed at the whether I could fall into an affair or not (don't think I will but think I could) than I am about once some of these people are in an affair it's like pulling teeth to get them to end it. I can tell you that our M was good, not perfect, but good if not very good.
If I had succombed to an affair and was told that I was ruining my children's lives, going to lose my spouse, ruin my reputation, trash my soul, and hurt everyone and everything around me by CONTINUING in this affair that would have been enough for me. Sadly, it isn't for a great many.