He has been cheating on me for the last three years and I found out a month ago. He is still talking to the ow. I am reading surviving the affair and I am getting more angry not less. Why do I feel like "boo hoo, poor offending spouse". I dont get to be angry, I dont get to do anything to make him mad, I just get to continue to be abused by him. I dont know why I should even be trying. If he isnt making an effort should I? I would have left him long ago if it wasnt for our 4 kids who even though he is a narcasistic rear end of a horse, he loves them and they love him. I told him a few days ago after I found a text message to the ow that he would do anything to live with her and how they could set up a household together. I told him he was the worse thing that ever happened to me and when I got done with school and could support myself I looked forward to never seeing or hearing from him again. I know pretty harsh, but at this point true. In the past he has disappeared for days, wouldnt take my calls. Now I know that when I was in the rain burying the dog, he was with her having a grand old time, when the kids were barfing their guts out, he was out to dinner with her, when I was so sad and lonely and scared, he was having sex with her.

I am so angry, sometimes I feel like breaking out the windows of his car, and there was one time that I grabbed a golf club and almost hit him with it, I ended up just breaking the club but I am afraid that I may actually do something terrible. I hate him. I dont know what I did to deserve being hurt like this, we have been married for 16 years, I have never been unfaithful, but I am thinking about it now. I want somebody to care and love me. Not this hole of existance, I am so lonely and hurt.

You should do what I did, go buy the book "Not Just Friends," by Dr. Shirley Glass. It is much more supportive and better identifies with the betrayed spouse. It helped me alot.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. I'm glad you found us. It is extremely miserable at first, but it gets much better.

Is the OW married?

Yeah she's married with 3 kids. WH says that the ow's husband knows but I am not so sure. I have her cell number but I have not been able to find out the last name to give a jingle to their house to find out. The cell is registered to the business she is now employed with. WH and her met at work, He actually had the balls to ask me my opinion of her when she got needy before I knew about the A. I have met her, I actually had dinner with her, it makes me literally sick to my stomach to realize that I broke bread w/ her. OMG what am I going to do?

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Even though you've known for a month, you're still in shock at the moment. I was in shock for 7. You're anger is normal too. I went into my room and pounded my fists on the bed until I was exhausted. It helped.

Hugs to you hurtandmad. It is a long long journey, but this hurt and pain and even the anger WILL pass.

Get as much info on here as you can. Read and talk with as many people here as you can. They all know what you're going through and will help you find your way.

I can almost guarentee OWH does NOT know. First order of business for you is to EXPOSE the A to OWH and anyone else that has influence over your H and OW.

Click on the link in my sig line and read, read, read. If you want an intact family for your kids you are going to have to put your anger aside for now.

Woke up in the middle of the night, snitched his cell, she called him twice yesterday when he was at a basketball game w/ the kids. It was listed under missed calls, not recieved. I have her cell number and her blackberry. Should I text her to say to stop calling or is that beyond a safe thing to do. He knows that I have her number. If I get too aggressive with the only tool I have to find out what he is up to he will just clear the history. I have to wonder if the ow knows that I know. DH is very adept at lying.

I cant access his cell records because it is a business phone and the bill goes to corporate. His laptop is under a firewall and requires IT to authorize any changes to it so I dont think that I can put the spyware on it.

He has been home alot lately but his job requires that he travel extensively. One of the places that he flys from is where she lives. Short of following him the 4 hours to where he goes and then spying in the parking lot I cant keep an eye on him 24/7. Then when he gets on the plane he is gone. She has the financial resources to go with him if she wanted. If I put the tracer phone in the car it still doesnt tell me much, because it is where he is supposed to be, just the big question is is he with who he should be.

There is a very big part of me that is very resentful that now I have to be a sneak and spy on him. The bit in the book about being totally honest feels like I am breaking it by sneaking around and trying to figure out ways to catch him without him knowing.

It doesn't sound like you want to save the marriage, and no one would blame you if you didn't, but consider that this is a very emotional time for you and maybe you should think carefully about your future and that of your children.

Not Just Friends listed above is a fine book, but I also highly recommend Private Lies by Dr. Frank Pittman. You'll get a pretty good idea what kind of affair it is from his description. It is also very supportive of the betrayed spouse.

As you can imagine, if you intend to save your marriage any acts of revenge or outbursts of anger on your part will only make that goal more difficult. That isn't to say you don't deserve to be angry, but you must keep it in check if you want to save your relationship.

Is it worth saving? Only you can answer that. The road to recovery is long, hard, has occasional pitfalls, and sometimes reaches a dead end despite your best efforts. There are a number of people on this forum who have successfully saved their marriage and a few actually have a better relationship now than before the affair.

In my opinion, the whole spying thing is overemphasized here. Once you are certain of the affair and who it involves, there isn't much point in spying further. It's best to do whatever Dr. Harley recommends to try to break up the affair, but you'll find that the more you know the more painful the infidelity becomes. Some here recommend gathering all sorts of evidence of the affair for the benefit of a possible divorce case, but these days most states have "no fault" divorces and don't require evidence of infidelity. Of course, if you get to the point of "no contact," you'll need to find ways of making sure your husband doesn't see the OW.

At this time, while the affair goes on, I think it's better to concentrate on your own life, working on yourself and pursing your own path to happiness, and focusing your love on your children. Naturally you do what your counselor recommends to stop the cheating.

In your case three years is a long time for the affair, and it might seem that the task of breaking it up is insurmountable, but then, he didn't leave you and that says something.

Holding in the anger and hurt is killing me, maybe literally. I have been hospitalized overnight with chest pain, luckily the ekg, labs and stress test came up neg, so it is just my life right now that makes my chest tight. My hands and feet are breaking out and I am almost on the verge of barfing most the time. I cant sleep even with medication. I cry every damn day, sex is a nightmare, I can usually not break down in front of him but when we are intimate I cant help it. At the very least a few tears spill out of the hurt, sometimes I just end up sobbing which is really embarrassing to me. Every song on the radio, everything on the TV, every blond woman in a magazine hurts me. I really dont know how to cope. And I know that he is still talking with her, I dont think they have been intimate for at least a month or two because I have been keeping tabs on him, but wasnt he supposed to protect me? What about his promise? I held it when it wasnt at all easy, why couldnt he do that for me. And now that I know, why doesnt he at least do that for me, or get the heck out of my life so that I can at least have one tiny little shred of dignity left?

hurtandmad,

I'm sorry you've had to find your way here under these circumstances. When you discovered the affair.....did your husband agree to end it? If he didn't, then you're going to have to take more drastic steps to put pressure on the affair. You've already confronted him (although you've done alot of lovebusting during that time....can't blame you, but it won't help save your marriage). The next step is exposure. Hire a PI if you need to, in order to find out her name, address and home phone number. Her spouse is the first exposure. His parents and yours would be next. If that doesn't secure no contact....a wider exposure to siblings, work, friends would be the next step. Your husband's flagrant disregard for your feelings....continuing his affair right under your nose is abusive. And with as much anger as you have.....and your inability to control it.....you may need to do a very short Plan A and move to Plan B more quickly than some folks.

What do you know about Plan A and B?

Go see your doctor for antidepressant medication. Lexipro seems to be highly recommended for this purpose.

I'm surprised you can have sex with him. I would think you would not want to.

I found that physical activity (in my case running) is a good outlet for anger or sadness.

First - STOP HAVING SEX with him until he gets tested for STDs!!!!!!

Second - do whatever you can to exposure the affair.

Third - see a Dr. for anti-depressents and find a good couselor for YOURSELF.

Fourth - if you truly want to save the marriage, read up on Plan A and do a good plan.

Have some good friends/family to support you through this.
Keep posting here and hang in there!

Oh, and read [color:"red"] this excellent post [/color] by ark about Plan A

Hurtandmad,

I’m sorry that you find yourself here in this place and your M in the situation that it is now.

These halls are littered with FBS’s and FWS’s. Everybody is good at something and busting up affairs seems to be our strong suit!

Firstly, READ!!

Read all of Dr. Harley’s **free** material at the entrance portal to the MB website. There is awesome information in there.

If you can afford the cost for his consultation call him and make an appointment. If you can afford his books order “His Needs Her Needs”. That’s a good book to start with.

Secondly, KNOW!!

Know that where you are at right now is transitional. You will not feel like this forever and everything will work out for the best no matter what the outcome is for your M.

Thirdly, UNDERSTAND!!

This is a tough one because you have to tell yourself that you understand the dynamics of the situation after you read everything, but you really don’t. All of the real understanding comes through the actions of A busting and recovery of your M.

Everything will make more sense the longer you persevere in your quest to fight for your family.

Understand that by posting here, you are communicating with people that have had there lives completely shattered and managed to come out on the other side as more vibrant, more conscious, and more compassionate human beings than before all of this crap started.

Fourthly, PATIENTS!!

The timelines for everything having to do with this take time. Lots and lots of time. There are no overnight answers that will come to you as an epiphany to be the healing salve you can slather all over your M.

Do NOT leave your house. Ever. And do not act on impulse. This is when almost all of us BS’s make our biggest mistakes. And yes, it’s very difficult not to go bananas and take everything out on your S, but the reality of the situation is that will be totally counter productive to fighting for your M.

Fifthly, HOPE!!

Right now you need to realize that there is absolutely a light at the end of the tunnel; maybe you can’t see it at the moment, but it’s there. Keep walking with your head up and your heart open and you will eventually stumble into the light.

This is a Plank promise: You will come out of all of this as a better person. Your intellect and your heart will be grounded in the reality that will help you understand all of this much more clearly. You will be OK!!

Ok.. that’s enough numbers for now. :smile

Stay strong.

Thanks for all your kind words, nobody knows about the affair. I havent told anybody. I cant because I am having a hard enough time dealing with my own feelings. If I told others I would have to deal with them too and I am not strong enough to right now. And if I am able to repair the bomb blast, I dont need the disgust that many around me would feel for staying. I am disgusted enough with myself.

I found out about the a by accident. He got a new cell and there was a problem with it. While trying to fix it I found text msg from her. I confronted him, I had my suspicions but it seemed that things were ok. I had thought that if he had had an A that it was dead for about a year. He told me that he had already ended it a few months before I found out, but that she still sometimes contacted him. I thought "well ok, it is dead, I will do what I can to go on" Then I found the other text about how much he loved her and was willing to do anything to be with her. It was like a kick in the teeth. I asked if it was really over and he said yes. I asked who ended it and he said it was him, and are you ready for this? When I asked why he ended it "She hurt me too much"

I have been trying plan a, I am trying to meet his emotional needs, big on his list is sex. But when I do I feel like a prostitute, and in competion with this woman who doesnt have to deal with any of the issues. She just gets my husband when ever she beckons. I am trying to be open and loving but when he comes near me I have to control the reaction to flinch. I am just waiting for him to hurt me again and again and again. He said he still has feelings for her.

I hate myself. I hate myself for giving him an opening to take one more shot at hurting me. I feel that all I am doing is trying to hold the family together because it is what is right, but I am afraid that I may self distruct in the process and lose what little respect I have for myself.

Hurtandmad,

The only way that you are going to drive the wooden stake into the life of this affair is to EXPOSE IT.

Nothing short of that will work 99% of the time.

Do not act rashly in doing this. You need to establish PROOF that he is an adulterer before you confront supportive people about his selfishly evil choices. Think about him as an overgrown big baby right now. He’s going to cry and whine like a baby with poop in his pants when you start to pull his rattle away from him.

He’s an addict on crystal meth so to speak.

Everything that you have said down to the word are things that ALL betrayed spouses say. There are no exceptions to what you have described as your emotional state and what we have all lived through. Actually I used some of the exact phrasing as you have thus far.

You need to read the section about Lovebusters.
Lovebusters (click here).

Exposure is not something that I am an expert about because I didn’t have a plan in my situation, I just did it. It was my natural reaction to the A my FWW had. I just wanted her accountable for her bad choices and tried to build a team of support to deal with her choice about adultery.

But you need to be educated about how to do it to minimize your chances of failure. Hopefully one of the exposure experts will see this and post to you.

H&M,

""I asked if it was really over and he said yes.""

Sorry to say this, but, DO NOT BELIEVE ANYTHING THAT COMES OUT OF HIS MOUTH!

You should assume that this A will heat up again, if it really has cooled off because of your discovery. (how convenient that he broke it off just prior to your discovery)

One other snooping device is a voice activated tape recorder that you could hide in his car..or in his home office.

To EXPOSE this to the OW's H should be your top priority.

Anti-Ds will help you get through the day and give a bottom to your lows.

Keep posting here for the support and advice.

Stay strong and keep to the high road. No revenge affairs.

I know exactly what you mean concerning "rewarding" the unfaithful spouse by plan Aing. I felt the same way..and still do. But the main objective is to show your H that you are the best thing going and to "lure" him away from the OW.

It works. And again that is IF you want to continue in the M.

krk

Update:

Friday we drove to the big city to do christmas shopping, I went because I wanted to be with him. He has a christmas party today in a far away state. I decided on a whim to come with him, even though it is very difficult for me to travel away from the kids and I hate flying. We got it all planned until the reservations were about to be made where he backed out because of the cost. (which was pretty high). But I think he was waiting for my anxiety to take over and that I would back out. I "think" it has nothing to do w/ the A because I know exactly when his flights are and he left at the right time. We will see if he arrives at the right time home on thursday. I doubt the ow would travel with him on this one because she no longer works at the company and would not have any excuse to go. But I have been wrong wrong wrong before.

Saturday I had to go to school to study as monday was my finals for school. He drove me and then took my car to get an oil change. By snooping, he called her as soon as he left the parking lot.

Sunday I went back into school myself but was too depressed to study so I came back home earlier than anticipated. He had baracaded himself in the bedroom with the door locked and looked very guilty. When I checked his phone he had cleared the history.

Because of the stress of finals and my life right now I didnt confront, but I havent been all warm and fuzzy either. How do I handle holding his hand when I know that he is still having at least an EA and I have no doubt that it would flame into a PA again. I do want this to work out but I feel like there is no hope if I cant even get him to honor NC, which he has never really wholeheartedly agreed to.

Should I hold his hand? Should I tell him I love him? We are in a childish game of who says "I love you" first. If he senses that I am mad, he stops saying it until I start saying it to him. He has always been afraid of rejection, if I had done this to him, I very much doubt that he would have had the guts to try as much as I have, even if I seem to be messing it up royally right now.

You need to EXPOSE NOW! Expose to his parents, siblings, the OWH, his boss and coworkers if the affair started at work. You tell them that you love your husband and want to save the marriage, and that is why you are exposing. Your husband is ADDICTED to the OW. He cannot end it of his own valition. You need to HELP HIM end it, but making it harder for him to continue by revealing the affair to the light of day. If I did what your husband did, my parents would KILL me. I wouldn't be welcome at home as long as the affair continued. If I were the OWH (which I am in my situation), I wouldn't let my wife speak with your WH again! You must expose to get this affair to end. Keep snooping, and get some ADs to help you get through. Exposing will help you get some hope, dignity, and control back. It will empower you, and you won't feel sick to your stomach or fail to sleep at night. You need to do this for your marriage AND your own mental and physical health.