I need help sorting out my emotional response to my situation. My wife (of 5 years) admitted to having a "close" friendship with a man at work. As our marriage has been falling apart for the past 3 months she has been going to him for emotional support. I have a gut feeling for months that some thing was going on- dressing a little "sexier" for work, personal grooming and hygeine at the highest level I have ever seen, late nights at work (4-5 days/week), and overly critical of me and my decisions, etc. She tells me they are just friends and have never left the premises of her company together. But she finds him fascinating... in his mid-30, single, loves to go out, highly promiscuous. She comes across as finding him and his lifestyle titilating. For weeks now she has regaled me with anecdotes of his dating life. She has even drawn comparisons of me to him- "He's really into art and painting, you know, like you used to be". I have asked what is going on between them previously, and I am told that they just work together. I have asked what are they discussing at work that she would know all of this- "We are either talking about work or trading stories about our kids". Three days ago I found out that she had invited him over to our house while out was out of town. The kids were home, my wife said she planned it this way so that I would not feel uncomfortable about a strage man beig in the house with my wife. I finally was able to get her to admit the true relationship that they had. While they are not sexually involved, they both consider the other to not be their type (so it was considered), they have become close enough friends that my wife feels free to spend hours after work with him discussing our marriage and making plans to become involved in social circle. While I am at home with the kids watching my marriage wither from neglect and abandonment. My wife has always put her career before the family, she is proud to call herself a workaholic, this has been the main contributing factor to the ruining of our marriage. Now this "friendship", she has put this relationship above ours and I don't know what to do. She has lied to conceal it, but hse feels that she has done nothing wrong.

AM I WRONG IN HOW I PERCIEVE THE SITUATION? I FEEL BETRAYED AND DOWN IN MY HEART I FEEL AS THOUGH SHE HAS CHEATED ON ME. AM I OFF BASE?

WHAT I NEED TO KNOW IS ARE MY FEELINGS JUSTIFIED OR AM I BEING THE SELFISH ONE HERE.

HOW DO I OVERCOME THESE FEELINGS AND TRY TO WORK ON SAVING MY MARRIAGE?

Hi ct,

You say she has been dressing sexier and paying close attention to grooming, staying late at work 5 nights a week, having him over to your house - and then you say they are not sexually active. Does that make sense to you?

Trust your own logic and accept what is going on. The best way to deal with it is head on.

Formulate a plan, and follow it.

It is okay to feel bad, and you will feel bad but you are more than your feelings so you can handle it.

It gets easier and the horrible, gut wrenching pain becomes easier to deal with.

From my time on this board, the people who are most successful at either breaking up the affair or personal recovery alone are those who can put their emotions aside as much as possible, formulate a plan, and follow that plan.

Begin with the end in mind, and remember that obstacles are those scary things you see when you take your eyes of off your goal.

I'm sorry for what you are going through right now but you can do this. You are strong.

How do you continue plan A when WW refuses to admit to EA. Hundereds of dollars spent on sexy underwear during their "friendsip", things that I have never seen her wear for me. Refusal to work on marraige, "to many things she needs to work on and not sure where to start". So she sits and waits- for what I don't know.

I'm working on me. I have to remember not to push and anything I do, do it out of love. She dosn't mind hurting me right now, and she won't be making any deposits in my Love Bank. She is reading the books from this website. Dosn't agree with them, and won't follow them. 15 hours a week for the two of us alone is not something she is willing to do. I may get 15 hours a week with her and the kids. She has to much to do at work (60-70+ hours a week). Her career is her only "source of happiness" and just so happens to be where her new "Best Friend" is. Nothing is or has happened between them she says. Just long conversations late into the night at work in her office. Late into the night when she should have been home with me and the kids (bitterness).

5 weeks into marriage councilling, 4 weeks after finding out about EA. Plan A in motion, just not sure where to draw the line physically/emotionally with WW. I am tired of being rebuffed and slapped down when I try and connect with her. So I think I will step back for while and focus on myself and the children. I'll let her have her career and her "friend". I can't stop her. She has made the choice that her career is more important then our marriage/family and that her friendship with OM is more important than our relationship.

Will begin exposing her EA to family after the holidays. Should be fun. Growing up her father carried on an A for her entire life (20+ yrs) until he had a second family. My WW still hates her father for that. So when I tell her mother (my M-I-L) that should blow things up. When I tell her best friend, woman she has know since the age of 6, who works with her and should have seen this, I should find out just how far they have gone in their friendship.

Pray.

I have to remember: GOD first, marriage second, children, family, then career.

Those are my priorities, they used to be hers also. They are not the priorities of the woman she has become.

WHY are you waiting until after the holidays to expose?!?!?! You need to do it NOW!!!!

She did not go spend "hundreds of dollars on sexy underwear" for an EA!!!!

IF by some off chance this has not developed into a PA yet (but it probably has), then you are crazy to wait until after the holidays to expose...you're just giving the A more time to turn physical.

Actually, you're crazy to wait anyways. Breaking up the affair is the FIRST thing you need to do.

Start exposing TODAY. It's your only chance.

~MF

Ditto. Actually I think the Holiday is the BEST time to do this when family is coming. They will have to face that, and it will hit HOME like a TON of bricks. Why serve her needs to continue the Affair?

The only thing that I would wait upon is completing my "exposure" plan. DO NOT WAIT until after the Holidays. The holidays will give exposure more IMPACT!

Exposure is best done once in one large tsunami of truth. Make sure to tell anyone whom will have any influence upon them. Clergy, Supervisors, Friends, Family, etc...

Use your knowledge of her and OM to determine whom the best exposure targets are. OM's significant others (Parents, Siblings, Friends, Coworkers) are a prime #1 target.

DO NOT expose to a few people here, a few people there (ie. incremental exposure). Exposing in this manner will allow them to concoct stories and lessen the effect of your exposure. You do not want this to happen.

WW will not be mad at this exposure. She will be FURIOUS!!!

She will most likely spew venom at you that you never new existed. She will spout things like "Now you've blown it", "I was going to consider reconsilling with you but not after this!". This is typical WS bile. They all say this! Just be prepared for this.

Your marriage can servive your wife's temporary anger. It CAN NOT survive an ongoing affair.

It is now time to take active role in trying to save your M. Exposure is step 1.

Bust up this fantasy! Nothing shrivels an affair fantasy like a little reality injection! It is not just about them and their happiness. What they are brining about is the total distruction of yours / WW / OM's extended family and circle of friends. The collateral damage of their fantasy is enormous!

Keep posting back. We'll help you through this.

Stay Strong!

I don't understand women, much less my WW. Saturday was an amazing day. Our MC had set sat as a date night for us. Part of our problem is that my wife has chosen her career over us so that has left us with only 1 hour a WEEK for us and 5-6 hours a week for family activities. She has looked at this as "about 8-10 hours a week for US time". She was livid when the councilor let her know that family time is not the same as "WE" time for intimacy and that 1 hour a week is not acceptable. So we had a date night, we had a few bumps, a little wierd since we haven't spent time together in a while. We eneded the night in bed wit hsome physical intimacy. Not intercourse, we're both not there for that yet, but fore play. I was happier than I have been with her in a long time, and I thought so was she.

Then I woke up Sunday morning. Reality came crashing down. My cold, distant wife was back. It was as if Saturday had not occured. No intimacy in our interactions, no touching, no love. In hindsight I didn't take my wife's warnings to heart the day before. She had told me not to over analyze the situation and not to read into what we were doing. She had also commenteed a few times about being "forced to spend 4-5 hours alone with on a 'date'" by the MC. I am now unsure if any of the interactions or emotions that I felt from her on Saturday were genuine or part of her forced interaction with me.

The bad part is.....I no longer care. It was brought to my attention by my best friend who is acting as my accountability partner and helping me through this time, that I have been approaching plan A wrong and wit the wrong attitude. I need to work on me, and allow GOD to take care of everything else. I need to work and pray on becoming the best man, husband, father, AND christian that I can become. Set my time table and stick to it. 6 months of MC and plan A, another 6 months after that to see if maariage has truly changed. If not then go into plan B or to divorce. Make my changes for me, if my wife wants to be involvved in my life then she needs to change and step up to the marriage. If no changes have been made or she refuses to try and meet my EN or SN, that is her choice nothing I can do about it.

That has been the HARDEST thing to learn. I can only affect my self and make my own choices for me. I need to keep my family in mind when I make those choices. BUT my wife must make her choices and live with the consequences. She may decide that the job and her "friendship" are more important, and that it is to much work to try and meet my EN and SN needs. Nothing I can do but pray that GODs will be done.

That is the key- Pray that GODs will be done, make the changes in me that are necessary, and let HIM take care of everything else. She will listen to HIM or not, she will work on the marriage as he wants her to or not. Nothing I can do about it.