What do you do when the EA is not just with OP but the WS has replaced the priority of the marriage with their job?

Is the OP a co-worker?

CT,

I responded to your last thread, did you see it?

I suppose you just didn't agree with what I was saying which is okay but I am going to try again anyway, to answer this new question.

Your first priority needs to be to try to end the affair using the MB methods, and to stabalize your children and finances.

In my opinion you should put her workaholic tendencies on the back burner for now and deal with the biggest threat first...the affair.

The reason I am being so adament about dealing with the affair, is that this is similar to what my xBIL went through with my sister who is very ambitous and defines the term in every sense.

They are now divorced. My xBIL stopped by to see me when he was in town a few weeks ago. First time I had seen him since my sister left him, and do you know that he finally admitted she was having an affair, finally! And then he begged me not to tell her that he told me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> How sad is that?

I love my xBIL still, as a brother.

Have you read Surviving an Affair yet? Have you read up on Plan A/B?

My problem is not just that she is having an EA, that is painful enough, but that she has replaced the marriage and her family years ago with HER career. So, I'm trying to find out if after dealing with the EA, and all the pain that will involve while in MC, will I still loose the marriage and the relationship due to the job.

I'm trying to decide what my minimum tolerance will be for her not working on the marriage. What will it mean to me as I continue to work on my plan A, and reach a good place, if she still refuses to put forth the effort to work on the marriage day to day? Do I need to begin to prepare myself for this possibility?

It may end up that she will have to be hit with a slap in the face (Plan B) before she decides that the marriage must come before the career.

It may be that what you are doing is going to play a role in both of the things that are keeping her separate from you and you family.


The MB techniques are designed for other problems in marriages, not just infidelity.

Do you believe that she has a problem with intimacy? Workaholics are avoiding their life, and intimacy with others. I always thought with my sister it was kind of a desparate attempt to keep from being vulnerable or connected at a deep level with her husband. Plus she seems to thrive on the excitement of corporate world.

I want to say that you need to approach this at the affair level right now.

I keep thinking about it and I just don't see how you can not do that, then the other problems in the marriage can be approached.

Your tolerance level will work itself out (when you have had enough) you'll know at some point if the marriage is no longer worth striving for, or if she is not capable of giving up the career priority.

Sorry, not much help. Hopefully someone more wise than I will be along to give you something more to help you.

Do you need to prepare yourself for her never working on the marriage day to day? Around here we learn that we cannot change another, only ourselves. So yes it is always a possibility that she will not for many years work on the marriage as a priority in her life.

However, if you do nothing now, if you abanodon your plan and just give up...it won't matter. Affairs are like that, they have a way of taking the WS away.

Break up the affair with your plan a/ plan b...and if it comes to that you can include whatever you want as your boundaries for letting her back into your life. So many hours per week with the family, part time job, etc.

You are at the wheel here.