First of all, I'm new to this board. I think it's a great idea though. It's been just over one year since I found out about my wife's affair. We were separated nine months later. She claimed the affair was finally over, (read below), but needed the break. I fought it but now am in a better place.

I'll add to this as time goes by but wanted to post something for those who are in the same situation. It took me a long time to figure out what happened and I'm still not sure of it. I do know that counseling did not resolve things. Here's a summary of what happened.

I was involved in a car accident that left me disabled almost exactly one year before I found out about the affair. The affair started when I was first back on my feet and traveled on my first business trip post-accident. The affair started about six months after the accident. I found out about the affair after finding instant message chat logs on my computer. They IM sessions were between my wife and her lover. Very detailed, very explicit. The absolute worst thing I've ever been through; even considering I was hit by a car as a pedestrian and felt the worst physical pain of my life then.

I confronted my wife days after discovering the logs. She admitted to it but lied. She told me it lasted two weeks - the time I was away. A few months later, I find more evidence on the computer (emails and instant message logs). Confront again, more lies. I eventually track her to a hotel with her lover and had to call a friend to bring me down. I asked for my car keys, at the advice of my friend on the phone, and that was all. I could have done worse to the lover but decided to take, what my friend called, "the high ground."

Here's my advice. People will tell you an affair happens because you're not meeting your spouse's emotional needs. That's probably true. What a lot of people don't tell you is that you can't always meet your spouse's emotional needs, especially if they think they've found a replacement in somebody new. Something new will not compare to what your spouse is comparing to - you. You can try to do a bunch of things to seem "new" but you're doing a disservice to yourself. Yes, you should be satisfying your wife's emotional needs and you may need help doing that. If it's come to an affair though, it's over. I'm sorry to say it. I tried counseling and found it to be a waste of money (4 different "top rated" counselors in a big city - very expensive). You will not get over the emotional trauma easily. I think about it everyday even though I'm in a new bachelor pad. I miss my wife deeply. I miss her/my family. I miss the times we had together. I'm finally starting to realize, with the help of friends, it's over. It's very difficult but what this person did to you, in my opinion is unforgiveable even though you need to try to forgive. An affair is treachery. You need to focus on yourself now. I didn't see that for a long time. I tried to mask the pain with alcohol, which, believe me, does not help anything. I have managed to move away from that crutch with the help of family (especially my brothers) and great friends.

In summary, there is no recovery, in my opinion, for a relationship after an affair. Sure, there are countless documented cases where people claim they have "moved past it" and are "working things out." Don't underestimate the fact you can't read the other person's mind. You have been betrayed. You need to heal yourself and move on with *your* life.

It's easier said than done, even for me as I write this.

Darklyhopeful,

You don't sound very hopeful to me. I respect your decision that you made at the time of your wife's affair and I nearly made an identical decision myself. It has been six months since I found out about my wife and her other man. We are not "recovered" but WE are working on it. We may yet end up divorced, but not because we gave up without a fight.

The most common advice from one who has never been through the overwhelming pain of finding out that their spouse has had an affair is usually the same; "Kick him/her to the curb and get on with your life." I know many that have followed that advice and have moved on. Some ended up happy, some unhappy and one ended up dead.

If you read some of the stories on this site, not only the current "problems" of the new arrivals, but the long time poster's stories and their advice to the newbies, you would see that recovery is not only possible after an affair, it is a worthwhile goal.

I don't know if you and your wife had any children, and I hope that you did not, because kids are the BIG losers in a divorce.

To others reading this thread who may have just arrived and are looking for answers as to whether or not there is any hope for a broken marriage...

You may not be able to recover your marriage, but it is possible and only you can decide if you are going to fight or surrender to the "easy" way out and just give up. If you decide to fight, stay here, read, learn and fight like he77!

JMO

Mark

Nobody ever guaranteed that ALL marriages can be recovered after an affair. Yours is one of the ones that couldn't be saved.

But it's sure not fair to tell everybody that theirs can't be saved either, because you are wrong.

Concerning affair and working on that marriage or relationship here is one thing that happen to me concerning this issue:

5/27: DC called me on mother’s phone number (***-***-****) around 10:am. I explained that I would drop off her property at the Spring Hill Mall by Officemate and ask her to go right on front of the Store Street. To take that to behind Walgreen's store. I asked her who would be coming with her and asked if she would not bring her mother. DC said that her mother wasn’t home and would not be coming. Dorothy informed me that her and her sister (M) would be the only people coming. I ask about her cell phone and she (DC) inform me that Son threw her phone in the toilet and that it did not work anymore. I asked if her sister M had a cell and she said no. I then asked her if she wanted to talk with the boys and she agreed but then changes her mind and would just call the boys after she went back home. I then asked again about the arrangements to make sure she knew were she was going. In our conversation, I believe she made a mistake and told me that there would be two cars. I ask why she thinks she needed two cars and she stated that M would drive one with the children and her van for her property. This statement raises a few red flags and I didn’t believe her. My sister (JR) helped me unpack her van and that she had to return to her home to give her daughter the car. JR stated that she would pick me up later with her husband‘s car. She asked me if I would be all right knowing how DC can be and about what I told her about my conversation with DC’s mother the day before. I reply that I would be fine.

Time: Unknown: Received cell call from unknown number (***-***-**** M?). DC screams that she was unable to location property/me. Tried to explain again, but DC would not listen. She asks me why I was doing this and that she was in front of Officemate. Look in that direction and saw my green Plymouth Van. DC was holding Son. Scream in DC direction to get her attention. DC saw me and then pointed at me. Got a bad feeling and started to walk away. Heard a loud engine sound, like a truck/car moving at a very fast speed. Turn around and saw a large gray truck heading straight at me. Started to Run. Then heard two-truck door’s opening and saw two men getting out of truck. Two unknown white males started running after me. Ran faster and headed for the 1st store I could find (kinkos), ran inside of the store and started screaming for someone to call police. Both White males followed (running) me inside store. I turned around at look at one of the unknown male. He had long gray hair. Walked up to male with my hands up. To show him I wasn't about to fight with him. Unknown male turns away from me and then called me a [censored].

Both the store manager and I called the West Dundee police Department. EL the store manager asked me to talk with operator on store phone. Explained to the 911 operator what happen and that she would dispatch a car to location. Few minutes later. A West Dundee police officer walked into the store and I walked over to him. He asked for my name and other information. Asked me what happen. And then ask me to walk outside with him. I stay by the police car. He walked over to the other officer talking with DC and the other two while male. Officer asked me how I would get home. Explained that my sister would pick me up. Officer offered to take me back to my sister’s house. I agreed. Later I called the West Dundee. Police department to ask for the police report number: 06-2105. *update 06-21-06 is just a dispatch number. Ask officer what would happen. Officer stated nothing because he didn’t see the truck trying to hit me and nothing could be done. Guess I should have let the truck run me over. I asked the officer why the two unknown male was chasing me He stated “they saw you running and wanted to know why”. Yes, I know we both got a good laugh out of that one! Thank God this day was over!

I ask you all, is this a relationship you would want to save?