WH just called. We are in plan B, but he called to say that a relative died, possible suicide.

Do I go to the wake? His whole family will be there. WH was close to this person, I wasn't that close, but we saw each other at family functions.

What if WH brings OW to wake?

I think I should go to show I did nothing wrong and to pay my respects, but I'm not sure. It will be VERY uncomfortable for me that's for sure.

And you and OW being there at the same time would be less uncomfortable? Hmm.. Plan B is plan B. You admit you weren't really close to the person, so, it would be the same as reading the obituaries in the paper right? Don't go. Hold to your plan b, and don't give in.

Yep...Don't go..

Probably a ploy to get you to break the PLAN...or to pretend to his family that he's still in the H role...

Thanks!

I'm not sure they will even have a wake, just wanted to be prepared in case. Another relative from that family died and never had one.

Doesn't this work against me now with OW? She is there for WH to comfort him during a trying time. Won't that bond them closer?

If anything I would send flowers. If you have an intermediary you may provide WH a letter stating that you are sorry for his family's loss and would love to have been there but that you understand that he has decided to make someone else the person that he leans on at times like these and until that was over you cannot be there for him like you had hoped you would be able to be.....

Maybe just flowers and nice note are enough?

Hi Catgirl.

My ex's grandparents (his mother's parents) both died whilst he was living with OW but before we were divorced.

OW and ex stayed with MIL and attended the funerals together - I was not able to go.

I sent flowers and cards, and some pictures that my girls drew. It was enough, I think.

Alph.

...or not!

Hi Catgirl,

That's the whole idea behind PLAN B...WS experiencing life 'without you in it'...to see how he likes it....and the OW has to answer ALL his needs...this is where technically ALL OW will fail (sooner or later)....by BS staying out of the picture, it allows fantasy to meet up with reality....the darker PLAN B the sooner and the harder reality hits them!

Don't forget, at this point, you are in PLAN B because you would rather be alone than with a WS....

If you want...a note to the 'immediate' family of relative who died to show respect for their loss might do the trick...depening on relationship you had with them!

I would NOT convey anything to WS...let him realize that if he can't 'engage' you with a death in the family...you are serious about your PLAN B...

I really don't think WSs think BSs are serious when hit with PLAN B...certainly mine, for sure, with time thought I would 'come around'... I think after over a year....he is just 'starting' to take me seriously...that is, if OW is in his life...I am OUT of it..no ifs or buts! ...and after over one year...by coincidence....I bet fantasyland is less of a fantasyland!

...some relatives will judge you for not being there...if not fully aware of the situation...others...will respect you for it...that is a consequence of your choice to be in PLAN B!

I don't go 'anywhere' by choice, where possibly WS and/or OW 'might' be there... I have enough 'triggers' to deal with as it is!

I am in touch with SIL who did mention that WS 'introduced' OW to his over 90-yrs old mom and visited her a couple of times...well...MIL and I got along great...apparently MIL kept calling OW my NAME....LOL.... would have loved to have been a fly on the wall....WS and OW forgot that I have over 20-yr 'good' history with MIL and he can't rewrite THAT.... OW can't be too happy about how it really FEELS to be in my shadow when in his family...LOL!

...and remember...in PLAN B...the focus is no longer WS...what he thinks....what he feels.... because you DON'T KNOW... so, I would avoid making any 'assumptions'...and if you must....why not choose the 'negatives'.... WS missing YOU being there!

I love Luna's words to you which I think are RIGHT ON TARGET...

I want to add this observation, though...especially for you...



This is another one of your ASSUMPTIONS. Remember, ALL OF MY ASSUMPTIONS were wrong. I learned that you can't conceive of him as functioning like your H or a normal human being...and you can't conceive of their relationship as functioning like a normal relationship. It is a SICK RELATIONSHIP established on LIES, DECEIT and DISHONESTY...

For example, with my H, I asked him, making an assumption, why did he talk to HER about his FEELINGS (about a business problem he was having a few years ago) and not me. He explained that their R did not involve "TALKING" about "HIS FEELINGS"..like a NORMAL RELATIONSHIP...

He explained that he got together with her to ESCAPE..he PRETENDED THAT HE DID NOT HAVE PROBLEMS when he was with her...THEY JUST PLAYED or whatever...WEIRD..I don't even want to try to comprehend this, NOW....YUCK...As Luna indicates, you can't ESCAPE FROM REALITY 24/7 without feeling crazy ...as he was required to do in PLAN B...

You are right Mimi, I assume too much. My IC tells me that all the time. Tells me I should use all that energy thinking about WH, on me.

I guess I'm just having a VERY hard time with the fact that how can WH want to come back to me? He just signed a one year lease with OW on it. Got pets now, etc. Heard he bought new furnishings for his apt. Sounds like they are in for the long haul. I am in plan B, but losing hope and wondering if it's worth it.

I know plan B is not for WH, it's for me, but as I said I just wonder if I should just let the D go through and give up. I honestly don't see him wanting to come back. We had a very short plan A as he left the house. I want to show him how much I've changed, but can't now.

What next? Am I a fool for holding on?

Catgirl,

The way I see it...when a BS resorts to PLAN B....it's because WS is not just sitting on the fence....WS has 'openly' chosen OW....so I am not surprised that he has signed a lease, got pets, etc. because WS is CONVINCED OW is the 'ONE'....and will make choices accordingly...long-term....

For me PLAN B.....first of all is to protect BS from further abuse from WS by N/C with WS....who has NO consideration for BS's feelings, etc etc... and therefore minimize the damage.... PLAN B also provides TIME for BS to process what is happening.... the shock....the triggers.... TIME to adjust while WS is in fantasyland.... and, at one point, be ready to 'move on' enough to put the final seal...PLAN D...

...to hurry up PLAN D...the intention sought is to minimize the pain of the process...unfortunately I don't think it will be enough to do the trick.....it will neither eliminate nor minimize the 'grieving' process... and it may actually prolong it because, if done too soon, BS may be exposed to 'regrets' for not having waited long enough and lead to a series of 'what ifs'.....

...by staying in PLAN B for a set period of time....the Harleys estimate 2 years....for some it can be shorter for some longer... whatever time it takes for the BS to process the loss of M..... and at sometimes, it can be long enough for WS to live out the fantasyland within the realm of 'reality' and reconsider (...but by that time BS may no longer be available!)....

...but the 'process', to have the heart and mind 'in sync' as Orchid often puts it, needs to happen before any FINAL steps to put a definitive end to M...... and for BS to be open for a NEW R....



That's just it, Catgirl...I don't think PLAN B is for holding on...it's a time for BS to slowly 'let go'.....the door that is open to WS....slowly closing..... and WS may have a chance if he makes a move BEFORE the door is fully closed.... but the process of 'closing the door', grieving the loss, has been set in motion...

...which gives rise to the statement that in the final analysis...it's the BS who may be the biggest threat to the recovery of M..... because if and when WS 'wakes up'.... the BS may have already literally 'moved on'......and recovery of M is no longer possible!

Catgirl...if you are not following FORMERLY G.G.'s last thread.....you might want to consider reading it...it deals with the last issue I mentioned...'moving on' too quickly...

Thanks Luna,

Unfortuantely I filed for D already and am having the what if's. Some day I regeret filing, other days
I don't. Things won't be final probably till early Spring.

Knowing WH as I think I do, or thought I did, he's not one to play around. He falls hard and fast. I know you said that he's convinced she's the one. I truly believe he is. He was never one to "use" a woman. Have sex and then dump her a year later. But then again I never thought he'd have an A either.

I wish I knew what to think. I'm so confused, and feel like such a fool for even not knowing what to think!

I have no intention of moving on with anyone else. I just wish WH would wake up before the D is final.

I truly think though that he feels too much damage has been done and he could never come back. How do I convince him that's not true? The plan B letter stated that, but obviuosly it's not having an affect.

A friend of mine asked me to go to a psychic fair with her next weekend. I just might!!!! Would love to see what my future holds!!!

Hi catgirl,

Stumbled upon your recent posts, and noticed that you were feeling down. If you were close to the relative that died, I'm sorry for your loss.

About the Plan B, well, it has been working better for me these last two weeks. I've noticed a shift in my thought process. I actually just realized today that I've been living in a state of FEAR, worrying over whether WH will return. I realized that I am questioning why I would want him back.

If the person I once knew reappeared, I would consider a life with him, but maybe too much has happened for him to return to his former self. Maybe he is forever changed and feels far too ashamed to come back. Maybe he feels that the work would be fruitless, as I would not be able to forgive. Maybe he is living in a state of FEAR himself. I have NO idea what he thinks, or feels, or does. I have forgiven myself for my shortcomings in my M, I have forgiven WH for what I can, but I am moving on.

.


I know exactly where you are right now, you are bargaining with yourself, keeping yourself in a holding position, waiting for the EUREKA to come. I'm not telling you to give up, but I am saying to try and free yourself from thoughts of WH; they are holding you down. What would be wrong with moving on? What are YOU afraid of? Try to examine what is keeping you in neutral.

Oh, catgirl, how I wish I could help you. Please remember that this stage is temporary, and things will get better for you.

Silent,

That is EXACTLY what I am thinking...

"maybe too much has happened for him to return to his former self. Maybe he is forever changed and feels far too ashamed to come back. Maybe he feels that the work would be fruitless, as I would not be able to forgive. Maybe he is living in a state of FEAR himself. I have NO idea what he thinks, or feels, or does."

I think even if things aren't working out, he'll stay with OW, just so he doesn't have to deal with everything here.

I know everyone is going to think I am crazy for even saying this, but this is how I feel...

1. I don't want to start dating and the whole deal again. I thought I would be married to him forever.
2. I want my kids to have their parents living together and have a complete family. They deserve that.
3. I want the H I married, and lately I'm so desperate, I'd even take back a WH, how sick is that?
4. I don't want to be alone and jealous of him with another woman, and maybe even having kids with that woman.
5. I don't want to say I'm divorced, and feel ashamed, even though he had the A, not me, I still feel he wouldn't have wandered had I been a better wife.

I know I have a low self esteem, but I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

No offense to anyone, but I am getting so tired of people... IC, relatives etc. telling me to stop devoting so much energy on him. Start doing things for myself. That it will get better. I know what I'm supposed to do. Right now I'm just not able to.

I can't stop thinking about him and what could have been. Why, why, why is all I think about. I look at families at the mall, see a guy with a wedding band on and think, gee, he's devoted to his wife and family. He's wearing his ring. Yeah I know, that doesn't mean a thing. He could be cheating on her, but you know what I mean. Why can't I have a husband like that. Going to the mall with his family or out to dinner. We were a very active family, never home. I am getting so jealous of my friends now that have husbands. Especially now with the holidays coming. I can't help but think what WH will buy her for the holiday. She likes expensive things, I can imagine!

Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind.

Went to the Dr. on Friday. He kept me on my ADs, didn't change them to something else. I didn't think they were helping, but he said to stay on them. Did order a tranquilizer though when I feel too stressed.

Sorry for being so negative. These past few days have been VERY tough. I'm so tired of having to prentend to everyone, especially the kids that everything is O.K. Happy to be in the Christmas mood...NOT! Don't want to bring their holiday down.

(((((((catgirl)))))))

Oh, I really do know how you feel, and I would be lying if I said that I never think about what my life would be like had WH returned.




No offense taken, I'm sure by ANYONE here. Many of us are where you are now, or have been there, and do not want to diminish what you are going through. Like I said, I wish there was something that I could do, we could do, to help you in this time. Each person has their own way of dealing with this sort of grief, and each of us does that in their own time.

The 'people' who are advising you here have known the pain that you suffer, and speak to you from the perspectives of BS/FBS. We really do appreciate the struggle that you have. When I say to try to think of something other than WH, I know that I'm not asking somethink EASY of you; this is trememdously difficult, especially this time of year.


1. You don't have to start dating anyone, especially until after you are divorced. If anyone is implying that that is the way to get over someone, then they need to examine their lack of self esteem. It takes a lot to remain single. The trick is to become happy with your life prior to 'moving on' with anyone else. Right?

2. [email]D@mn[/email] skippy. I want that too, but I won't have that with someone who will continually cause me incredible amounts of pain, so that I will not be happy, and my kid won't be happy, and my WH won't be happy. THAT is not what my family deserves. I choose to make my current family as happy as I can. '

3. It's not sick, it's normal. I wanted H back too, wayward or not. Now, I know that a true WH will not come back. He may LIVE with me, but he won't come back, not until the true weight of what has been done is allowed in.

4. Yeah, I get that too. I have thought of WH, wonder how (and with who) he will be spending his holiday. Hmph, it sucks, and I have no good response for this.

5. There is ABSOLUTELY no reason for you to feel ashamed here. What did you do wrong? Seriously, what? You weren't perfect? What? You sound like you are still blaming yourself for your WH affair. You ARE NOT responsible for this decision. I'm going to say something that you may say is ridiculous, but did you ASK him to have an A? Did you two agree on this? No? Well, what makes you think you could have stopped what you DID NOT see coming? This is a burdon for your WH to carry, not you. Had he been a better H he would not have strayed, and would have told you he was feeling unloved, unappreciated, unrespected. You are not a mind reader.

You ARE feeling sorry for yourself, and I would expect no less, in this situation. You are not in an easy place. You are living an existence that was foisted upon you, that you would not have chosen for yourself, and you are carrying the burdon of causing it. When you do take focus off WH, you will begin to see who he IS, not what you remember, and it will give you an opening in that dark cloud that follows you. Waaaaay long response, but I feel you DESERVE it.

Silent,

I so appreciate you taking the time to respond. It means alot. I am grateful for the advice I am given here, even if I don't sound like I am.

I just HATE my life now and I guess I am taking it out on everyone who will listen. Sorry.

I'm just very envious of WH. He gets to do what he wants, when he wants, and I'm stuck here with 2 kids. Please don't take that as it sounds. I LOVE my kids, but I didn't ask to be a single parent while he's living the single life!

I do have to try and focus on other stuff. Problem is even when I am doing other things, he still creeps into my mind.
I wish OW would dump him. That would make me feel so much better. I'm in revenge mode now, can you tell?

Well, again thanks for being a great cyber friend. I truly admire and am in awe of the people here that have stuck it out for years. I think I was way too hasty. Should have listened to MB principles better, instead of filing for D so quick. Shoulda, shoulda, shoulda. Have to start listening now.

I guess I want a magic pill ASAP to make it all better. Don't we all!?

Hey catgirl, One more thought



I just saw this posted on eav's thread regarding your WH's OW and her D.

Now that WH and OW are living SOLELY together, as OW's H is out of the picture, SHE will HAVE to attempt to fulfill ALL of WH's needs. What makes you think this will DEFINITELY work? I know that your patience is wearing thin, but time will tell...they may not make it, many do not...

I pray it will not work. I think it is more a mid life crisis thing.

She is 17 years younger than him, what could they possible have in common except you know what!

I think WH likes the goo goo eyed attention a younger girl gives him. I never did that.

He still swears they are only roomates and there is no future with her. I have asked him this a few times.

Like I really believe anything he says!

Riiiiight, roomates. Whatever. What a line of [censored].


Like I really believe anything he says!

Even if you don't REALLY believe what you stated above, you are doing a good job of faking it. This is a sign that you are beginning to let the fog roll out on you and letting clarity take it's place. BTW, it is OKAY to still want your M, and no one here will tell you otherwise (unless there is physical abuse, alcoholism, drugs, etc.)

That's the problem. I am tired of faking it.

Some days I do want my M. Other days I don't think I could take him back knowing he had sex with someone else. I am so confused!

No there was never any abuse, drugs, alcohol.

As I said, I blame myself alot. I was pretty controlling of him. Kind of treated him like a kid sometimes. Like I was his mother. He mentioned it a few times, but it never stopped me. I'm not sure why I did that. He was pretty easy going, let me do what I wanted etc.

How I wish I could turn back time and do things differently. I bet I wouldn't be where I am now if I had.

We were having problems before the A. Saw a counselor a few times, but it never helped and we never went back. Things were good for awhile and then crappy. Like a cycle. I can't really pinpoint the things we fought about.

He never helped me with the kids. That was a HUGE issue. Other than that, it was stupid stuff we fought about.

He was never one to talk about our relationship etc. He keeps stuff inside.