My husband had an affair with my best friend, and it has been almost 8 months since it has ended. It has been a roller coaster but things have been looking up...My husband and I communicate better than we ever have in the past, and we have been going on dates and for the most part it seem we are doing well...
My only problem is this...He was suppose to get a vasectomy after I had our second child last Feb...Little did I know my best friend was putting thoughts into his head about not getting one...He ended up not getting one then I found out about the affair and here we are almost 8 months out and he still hasn't had one...We have talked about it several times, and he says he is not ready. It wants to make sure we are going to be ok before he goes through something that is such a big decision...Am I being too aggressive...Is it too soon for a decision this big...Should I back off...I feel like he should be ready by now...Are we really in recovery...I need some help...I am to the point where I am just ready to give up.

snr419~

I'm gonna give you my .$.02 worth on this one, ok...???

I think you are too young, your kids are too young, and you're too fresh into recovery for your H to have a vasectomy just yet: your age and your husband's ages are self-explanatory; but I see also that you have two kids very close together in age, and still very young...you NEVER know how your feelings are going to change as they get a little older ~ believe it or not, you may eventually want another baby. I know things are hard right now, with two little ones and dealing wiht an affair. But you have LOTS of time ~ why rush anything? What if you and your H decide at some point that things are going so well, your kids are a little older, and one or both of you gets that "baby itch" again...??? What a bummer THAT would be!

You have lots of time, my friend...don't rush into anything just yet. Maybe your H is thinking he might want another baby with YOU at some time.

And yes, you might be acting a little aggressively ~ I tried pushing my H into it for a long time...he wanted nothing to do with it. I finally laid off, because I REALLY didn't care anymore ~ I've got bigger problems to deal with. And guess what?!?!?! Just yesterday he asked me if I'd call and make an appt. for a vasectomy consultation...intersting timing. He's only gonna do it when he's totally and completely ready for it ~ and no sooner. Why keep arguing about something that you aren't going to be able to change his mind about anyways?

Oh, I don't see the connection to this and recovery ~ sounds to me like you are in recovery anyways.

Just MVHO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

~MF

how do you know if you are in recovery...

Don't forget that vasectomies are usuallt reversible - there is a doctor in Houston that has billboards up all over the USA advertising the service.

I had one years ago and it does have its drawbacks.

One thing to consider is that a vasectomie can also "open doors" for further affairs...............this is the first thing that my xWS and xOW talked about and there was nothing for them to worry about. xOW had also gotten operated many years ago and she had many affairs before she met my husband and she didn't have to worry about getting pregnant.

bb

Male sterilization shouldn't make a vas defrens to your life.

I had the snip six weeks after our son was born. I was 31.

We decided that we were done with having children under any circumstances ,not just MORE children.

If Squid had her affair before thenwould I have made the same decision ? Dunno.

Do you want him to have a vasectomy to sterilise him, or to show commitment to you ?

i would like him to do it to show commitment...i don't know how to tell if we are in true recovery...

i would like him to do it to show commitment...
do you feel that he is showing "commitment" towards you because he will NOT be able to produce any babies with another woman in the future?????

I can only speak from what I experienced. My husband had this done when we were very young. He was 100% committed....

It turned out that many years later, he ended up having an affair and due to the fact that he didn't have to worry about getting any OW pregnant. I'd say it "opened up a door!". Just the fact that he didn't have to deal with worrying made it easier for him...........

xOW got operated even though OWH wanted children..........xOW wanted to make sure that she didn't get pregnant and she wanted to "have her fun" without having to think about anything. (DUH.......somehow they forgot about protection against STD)

I don't think that it's a sign of commitment if he does get a vasectomy...............think about it............
bb

I had this done in 1997 myself.

I had mine done out of anger towards women after I was divorced. Also, I rationalized that two children was plenty enough responsibility for me and that I was satisfied living life as a father with two sons.

When I went to the doctor he expressed concern about my age and I explained that if he didn’t do it, I was going to do it myself on my work bench at home with pliers and a screw driver.

You know, these things definitely work.

It has become an issue in our M where we discussed having children together but the obstacle was very effective at forcing clear conscious deliberation. It’s possible to have reversal but cost money, time, and is a nuisance.

In the end we changed our minds ten times finally deciding not to have more kids.

I think making this a loyalty issue is the wrong thing to do because if he changes his mind about children in the future it will become a huge seed for resentment. I wouldn’t force this idea on him at all.

Besides, I know several men that have old girl friends names tattooed on their arms. That’s a statement about loyalty, but it doesn’t work.

this is from the other side of the coin, I had one, my wife cheated, wish I never had one. Because if Im with someone new, I'd like to give them the option of having kids if it were worth it.If he cheated, he may not be ready because he's not through, watch out!!!