Hi all,

Man, you know you're at the end of the road when all you've got to turn to is a forum... but perhaps strangers sometimes may give the most objective views. Pardon for the longish post, but I wanted to make sure I covered everything.

Anyway, my wife and I have been married for almost 2 years. We started out very loving and affectionate. Even though we both work, we still spend time to be with each other, though she could complain I was on the PC too much

Everything (to me) was fine until about a month ago. She had been spending a lot of time with a particular colleague of hers, another woman, but who dressed and looked somewhat like a man. She would come home and tell me things like "Oh, her car is so nice" or "We had a lot of fun at the gym" etc. I didn't think much of it, thought it was just that she connected with a new friend and all.

Then recently we went for an overseas holiday. Throughout the whole trip, they would be exchanging SMSes, which would annoy me to no end, as I felt that she would rather be spending the holiday with HER instead of with me. When we returned, she worked late and went out frequently for drinks with this friend, usually coming home around midnight and even at 4am once.

We sat down to talk a few times, and each time I highlighted that I was concerned that her relationship with this colleague was not normal, and seemed 'too much, too quick', and even asked if her friend was a lesbian, to which she replied that no, she wasn't. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and we continued on for a few weeks.

Then one day, not being able to contain my curiousity, I went through the SMSes on her mobile phone and what I saw greatly disturbed me. I came across some intimate-sounding messages, and even one saying that my wife missed this other woman (whom she sees everyday at work).

Last night I asked her to be honest with me and to tell me exactly what was going on. After all that, she just said that sometimes she just misses talking to this person, but that there was "no chemistry". This morning, I asked her to explain some of the SMSes I saw. Initially she looked a bit guilty but after I pressed her about it, she told me that yes, there was an attraction btw the two of them. To cut a long story short, 2 weeks ago they partied till late and this friend of hers was a bit drunk and started kissing and confessing that she had feelings for my wife. My wife told her it was wrong, but they continued to hang out and even occassionally hold hands in the car. Then this week, on one of their nights out, they made out in the car. Made out as in French kissing and groping. Despite asking her many times today, she told me that the hand-holdiing in the car, and the episide on Wednesday were the only 2 incidents (apart from the one where the friend confessed her feelings whilst drunk).

I still can't believe that this has happened, and I don't know if our marriage can move forward now that the trust has been shattered. I have NEVER once been unfaithful to her, and she went and did this with another woman (not sure if it would be worse had it been a man! )

She said she feels regret, and has moved out to the next room tonight. She says she wasn't thinking, and needed someone to turn to as she wasn't getting any emotional support from me. But I was trying all that time to talk to her before all this happened!! What more could I have done?

She can't stop seeing this friend as they work together quite closely, but said that whether our marriage works out or not, she's ending it with this 'friend'. I really don't know if I can trust her again, and I don't know how to go on. I'm not sure if she thinks it was wrong just because it was a 'lesbian' relationship (she denies she's a lesbian) or if she really is willing to take steps to salvage this marriage. She has given up hope of salvaging it, the way I see it.

I guess I really still do love her, but I'm not willing to re-commit if I don't know or trust her intentions. She has lied so many times before about this and didn't confess until she was caught... Does the fact that KNOWING her friend was a leabian and still carrying on after that until the incident this week indicate that she's a leabian???

Anyway, thanks for reading, if you've come this far. guess I just needed to vent

Cheers
devastated

Dev

weekends are slow so sorry if you don't get many replies yet. I would suggest you move your thread to General Enq 11 as that is a very busy forum here.

First yes your wife is having an affair. An affair can be emotional or physical and I suspect you will learn more sad to say. CAn you recover your M from an affair? Yes. The plan A & B and other methods mentioned on this site are extremely good and have a fair chance of helping and a far better one if you actually get professional help, maybe by using one of the Harleys or someone as knowledgeable.

One very important thing.. as long as there is contact the affair will not end it will just go underground.Yes it does mean she may have to move jobs if the OW does not leave. And if they are both in the workplace how would you handle the trust issues.

As for being a Lesbian? can't say from the info so far however should that be her leanings I would say the M is doomed and you are better to get out now hard as that may be. Don't jump to conclusions yet though. Probably another good reason to bring in professional help.

The comments giving reasons for her affair are just that .. reasons, there are NO EXCUSES .. I know I had one too.
YOU DID NOT CAUSE HER AFFAIR ..she chose that, she could have chosen to come to you and talk and seek to have you to meet her needs, she could have even come to you and asked for a Dv. There are simply no excuses for an affair.

You will hear lots of talk about exposing the affair to family, workers, etc etc and its very effective even if the spouse gets angry.. your M can survive your ws anger but not affair.
Again in these circumstances I would seek professional advice though on this one. If the affair is over you would not do that, however you will learn that people in affairs lie a lot. A LOT right to your face.

I am so sorry you have found yourself here

all the best & plase consider getting that professional advice asap.

Thanks aussiewife,

Well, she denies she's a lesbian..when I asked her what do you call a woman who holds hands intimately, kisses and makes out with another woman, she gets annoyed.

Basically, she has told me whether or not the marriage survives or not, she will end the relationship with the other woman. She says she regrets doing it, that she was vulnerable because she was lacking in emotional support and here comes someone who was willing to meet it and she just fell for it. She says she has no excuse on one hand, and on the other says it was also partially my fault for not giving her the emotional support when she needed me. But when I reminded her that I've been trying to get us to talk, to be honest with each other a week before the incident where the other woman first confessed to her, and that if she wanted to she could have ended it right there, she just keeps quiet. She says from the start she felt it ws wrong, cause she feels its morally wrong and against her religion, but she didn't do anything to distance herself from this woman, choosing instead to continue to hang out with her, holiding hands until the time they made out in the car this week. Up until now, she says all they've done were the hand holding and the incident in the car the other night.. and she denies there were other incidents. I don't know how to believe her anymore <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

She NEVER lied to me before, and I'm still trying to get used to the fact that she has been lying to me all this while. Even her best friend didn't know about this, though when I spoke to her yesterday after I found out, her best friend admitted that she felt the vibes when they went out together with the other woman for drinks last week. She asked my wife whether the friend was a lesbian and my wife denied it as well.

I really still do love her, but how do you trust someone when she has trampled on the trust you gave her. Being a Christian, I made her she swear on the bible that nothing was going on, the night before I confronted her with the SMS! This was a shock in itself as she will hold nothing sacred anymore for the sake of this infidelity <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Hi all,

Thanks for being there and listening. I helps to get it down on the screen sometimes just to help me put my thoughts and emotions down on paper.

This morning we spoke again. She told me she would be meeting the other woman at a park today -to end it she says. I can see that she's still emotionally attached and hurt from both sides and it really pains me to see her this way.

Anyhow, I told her that the ball was actually in HER court. Its not enough to tell me she'll end it with the other woman and tell me its up to me to decide on the relationship's future. I told her that I still loved her, very much so, but it was up to her to end it, or decide how she wants this to go on. I only asked that she be honest with me and not put me in the position again to be hurt. She says her biggest regret is that she did something so foolish and that she could hardly believe it herself.

All I know right now is that I do want to give this marriage another chance, to slowly work on our problems, to mend and strengthen that which has been broken. Assuming she really does want all these things, she will have to prove it (how, I don't know). Damnit, I want to believe that the woman I made just committed a MISTAKE, a one-off mistake and will not feel like she's lost something significant and want to continue the affair. Mistakes I can forgive, but not when it is done intentionally the second time.

Thanks. Well she came home and we sat down and talked a bit more. She said she had told the other woman that it was over, and that it was a foolish mistake. and that they would steer clear of each other, other than at work. Both will try to find another job as well. Apparently both agreed to call it off and to not make it hard for each other.

I asked if she still had feelings for her and she said she'd be lying if she said she didn't, but that she wanted to move on and have more time by herself. I said I still can't put my trust in her at this point, but that I would be there for her. Then we held each other and cried. I really do love this woman and would forgive her for anything, after all we're only human and do make mistakes. But only time will tell if I can put my trust in her again, or that she won't go back to the other woman again. I guess I will have to learn to deal with the sense of betrayal, disgust and the sure-to-come feelings of resentment, but will take it one step at a time.

We spoke again just now, breifly, and she told me that not only would I not trust her from this point on (and she doesn't blame me), but she will have a hard time trusting herself. She has said that she wants some time to reflect alone, so she will go to the gym after work alone and continue to sleep in the next room alone as well for the next week or so at least. She says she feels really torn up inside, and guilty cause she has hurt me, herself and the other woman, and though it was her lesbian frient who initiated things, she allowed it to happen. She said she felt realy guilty knowing that I still loved her so much, and it would be hard to live with the fact (for both of us). She says she will let me know should she need any emotional support or feel the need to be with someone.

On my part, I told her she needed to let me know if there was any contact with the other woman, apart from work-related contact (which can't be avoided while she searches for a new job). She must also let me know where she is at and to not stay out late, unless its with some of her close girlfriends whom I know personally and trust.

How do we proceed from here on? Are we on the right track? I want to trust that she has really ended it, am 95% sure that she wants it too NOW, but the last few months and especially the last 2 weeks they have been especially close, so I don't know if they (both) will be able to stay away. Are these good starting steps, or is there anything else we could be doing?

devs,

Get over to GQII part of this site on Monday. Many more people over there that will know much more than I do. The weekends are so here so Monday is best. Post it today if you like though.

You marriage is not over and this is the best place to learn to work on your marriage.


Read up on Plan A

M2L

Compared to most other people who come to this site.. your marriage is in "great shape", as to where it is headed. I know you must feel horribly hurt and betrayed. but feel strong hope for your future. Read about how others have recovered, in situations worse than yours. then look to support your wife and yourself in these efforts.

Your main concern is whether she is being sincere about no contact with this other woman.
I woudl suggest that she not go to the gym alone either.
it would be safer for your marriage if she find a different excercise partner to go with, i would think.
Or, dare I say it.. YOU! Everyone could use a little excercise <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Haha, Techie you've hit the nail right on the head! You know, she has been asking me to accompany her to the gym for a long time now, but I've always refused to go, thinking it to be too much effort on my part, never seeing it as her getting me to spend more time with her, doing something SHE liked. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I think if we get through this, I will definitely definitely be more attentive to her needs.

...and I DO need more exercise <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, please post to the same thread over at the General Enquiries section, thanks:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3142315