I have been married for 8 years and separated for a year my wife and I have a 5 year old daughter. About three years ago, my wife, after "some wine", announces she is only with me for our daughter. I was taken back of course but I lived with that. My work takes me away for a month, and gives me vacation for a month, it's a unique schedule but I tell myself it give me 6 months of quality time with my daughter. The long and the short of it is my wife found out I had an affair and now, of course, she wants a divorce. I love my wife very much, I was getting tired of providing all the love in our relationship and I was lead astray.

My question is this: What do I need to do to get my wife back? Is it possible to fix a marriage if only one of the parties is interested in fixing it? Am I crazy?




In case someone out there is thinking about having an affair for whatever reason let me share a bit of what I found out.

It's very exciting, almost euphoric, but it's not love no matter what you might think at the time.

Once you commit to this infidelity, you realize (maybe or maybe not) you have cheated on your wife, your child and yourself. You can no longer have that stature, you can never say you lead a truthful and honest life. A reputation is very hard to make and very easy to break...

You can save it, even if at times it may seem like the impossible. But to be frank, there is always a chance you won't save it...but if you put your all into you, you will have no regrets in the end.

You should read both "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs" by Harley.

I am no expert, so take this as you will, but I would suggest seriously--if you haven't already--figuring out what made you unhappy in the marriage and what made her unhappy, as best you can without asking right away. The two books will help with this. Then, if you can afford it, set up an appointment with a marriage counselor and invite her, if she doesn't go, go on your own.

Then maybe write a letter explaining what the faults were in the marriage, but mostly focusing on how things can be different, and how you can prove it. Give her time and space, otherwise she will probably push away.

Do remember you know her, obviously, better than me, so do definitely take that into consideration.

Also, take the advice in "Surviving an Affair" and force yourself to take all the 'extreme measures' to prevent you from having another affair; it will also be noticable that you are avoiding the possibility.

Also read through all you can on this site, especially the introduction to Harley's concepts and the pieces on infidelity.

Harley's advice should be the most helpful and will definitely take precidence over anything I have to say =)

This forum should also help a lot.

Hi ENG- I am a FWW (Former Wandering Wife). Be very aware that the "F" has to be earned and it's not easy.It sounds like your problems started years ago. Did you ever find out about why she said she was only in the marriage for your daughter? YOu will have hard work ahead of you.

Please, DO NOT write the letter that Strong and Week recommends (no offense, S&W <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />)- it will only seem to your wife like you are justifying your A. READ READ READ. Do the counseling. Have a heartfelt conversation with your wife expressing your abject misery and desire for forgiveness.

What about you made you vulnerable? Remember, you will not get your EN's filled any time soon, so you need to watch that.

Good point, and no offense taken. You do certainly want to own up to your mistakes and not even give the impression that you are dismissing or justifing your actions.

At the same time in some way at some time (feel free to disagree again MrsRob), it may be useful to be able to explain why you screwed up and how you can be certain it won't happen again.

My only point is that taking this advice or not, not important, I do think it is important to be offer more of a gurantee than a mere promise in words... then again, Harley's recovery method does offer a gurantee with more than just words, and much more than temporary fixes...so maybe that is all you need.

Just some thoughts is all, and I do want to qualify again that I don't even take my words as gold=)

I am sooo confused about the timeline here. You say you have been seperated for a YEAR, but 3 years ago she said she was only there becuase of your DD?? [how does that last piece fit in??] When did the affair happen? When did she find out? Why are you seperated? Are you still in the affair?

Here's the complete timeline:
Married in Jamaica
two years later we had a beautiful baby girl
about two years after that my wife decides to tell me (after some wine) that the only reason we are still married is because of our daughter.
A few months after she wants me to help her open a coffee shop, which of course I did.
We both continued to work a full time job and take care of another business for a year, when her job moved us away and we shut the shop down.
I hoped without the shop our lives would calm down, but she took on more responsibilty at work and we seemed to drift apart.
About a year ago I had an affair with a lady from out of state. It didn't last long obviously and the affair is over.
It was like my wife was waiting for something like this to happen and she pounced on it.
Now I find out that she has been sleeping with a friend of ours, and I'm wondering how long that has been going on...

WOW It's like pulling teeth here - is there anything else you are keeping secret on a need to know basis? We can't help you if you dribble out information like this.

I like the way you say she finds out about your A and "pounces" on it. Was her A a revenge A for your A? Who pulled their pants down first?

I am guessing that either you had your affair first or at least had your affair before you found out about W's affair which is essentially the same thing. You obviously had known for a very long time (years?) that W was unhappy in the M. So this begs the question - did you think having an affair was the way to improve your M?