OK, I'll jump in here, ,<BR>I am a very lucky girl when it comes to this issue. <P>I only have a real orgasm if cliteral (sp?)<BR>stimulation of some type is applyed. <P>However I also what I think of as mini orgasms during intercourse, they are not as strong, intense or satisfying as the "real" ones. I could reach ten of these little peaks, but still want the big one. <P>I am lucky because my bozo has no problem doing whatever I need to satisfy me, and he is one of the only men I have ever heard of who prefers to give than recieve when it comes to oral sex. <P><BR>My only complaint with our sex life is I want it more often than he does. <P> <BR> [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/blush.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/blush.gif[/img] And now that I've embarassed myself to death, I will go and be red face somewhere else [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/blush.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/blush.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/blush.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/blush.gif[/img] [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/blush.gif[/img]<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Bozos_ Deb (edited October 06, 1999).]

Lucks,<P>Thanks so much. Look at the big difference between you and Elixir's responses which pretty much sums up why I say some people just don't understand. I've been married to this man for half my life and people have the nerve to tell me I'm being selfish to want to be pleased sexually. Amazing. Anyway Lucks I have tried many of the things you suggested over the years. Not much lately because I admit I'm not in the bend over backward mood these days. I would douse myself in chocolate from head to toe if I thought it would make it better for him, but the "taste" is not the issue, so he says. He doesn't like that it "takes so long". The crook in his neck thing makes sense. I'll ask him about that tonight.<P>I didn't mean for this to become a Sex 101 thread. People, I KNOW plenty about stimulating myself. I've done all that AND MORE during sex with my husband already through the years. But it has breeded alot of resentment in me that I'm laying there supposed to be making love to my partner, and yet he is unwilling to participate with me. It is more like two separate people trying to "get off" and the other person isn't even really there.<P>I remember reading stuff on here about kissing. My husband and I have also not french kissed in at least 10 years, probaly more. He doesn't look into my eyes when having sex, I may as well not even be there. By some of the responses, I just don't think some of you really get it, what it's like to live like this for so long. The OM and me really connected during lovemaking. He looked deep into my eyes and into me. He was willing to do ANYTHING I wanted to please me. Get this, he often would perform oral on me and not even want me to have intercourse afterward. He said he just wanted to see me satisfied. The complete opposite of husband. And now I'm being told I'm selfish to want that from my own husband. I guess maybe I'm the one who just doesn't get it.<P>It's coming up on almost 4 months since all this has come out. My husband and I haven't had sex yet because I am not ready. I cannot imagine going back to that terrible lonely feeling during sex that I used to have, not now that I've felt what it's supposed to feel like again. He says things will be different now, and I sure hope so because I just don't think I could take it if it isn't. We'll see. Thanks for letting me vent here.

i guess i'll give you my two cents. i have never had a problem. the only thing i can say is when i would do that, i would constantly ask my wife what she would like me to do. buy some books- those are a subtle hint. so maybe if you kinda let him know what it is that turns you on or works. <BR>as an aside, dont feel like you have to tell us how it went.

PodPerson,<P>Just found the thread Wow! To avoid any debates I won't comment on some responses however I will offer some of my thoughts based on what I have learnt from extensive counseling in this department.<P>Our story is similar in certain aspects. My W has never been able to orgasm prior to us getting together. Now she can orgasm from oral, manual, and intercourse. (Can that word be used here?). <P>The problem in our relationship is that although she enjoys receiving oral, and I do love performing it, it's like pulling teeth to get her to open up to it. Once started she loves it. She does not and will not perform oral on me, which she knows I love.<P>I like Benna am going to say if you want a lot of the details to things you can try and do; email me and I will be happy to supply you with the information we received to help us in this area. I can only offer a little bit on this thread. (Don't have room to write a book).. LOL<P>One piece I can offer on this forum:<BR>If my wife isn't into it and is just going through the motions, then it is very unsatisfying to me. I could have worked on my forearm and biceps and come out with the same end result. There are different things however that you can do yourself, positioning of your hips, your mind set before, during and after that can help with your being able to achieve orgasm during intercourse.<P>Each of us is responsible for our own sexual fulfillment. I state that because from your post, I noticed that you have a negative attitude towards your husband, it's not, "When we do this I will!" Its more, "Doesn't matter he will never". So you're already setting him and yourself up to fail. Mental attitude is 90% the sexual encounter, if you go in "Knowing" he won't satisfy you, then you are right, he never will.<P>I state that only because I have done the same thing and I never was satisfied when I did that. <P>Hope this helps some. Email me if you want. Chuck@wncg.net<BR>

Well well well well<P>This was NOT something I should be reading at 7 AM. I'm about to hyperventilate! LOL<P>I'm the luckiest woman in the world (even luckier than Deb .... sorry, Deb!) My H is a magnificent lover, completely giving. And he LOVES to perform oral sex .... but I have a hang-up about it .... think I'll get some of that honey dust. It might make ME feel better about him doing it.<P>I'm very very very encouraged to hear that other women do not Big O during intercourse. I thought I was a freak of nature.<P>Anyway, I just cannot discuss this anymore. I'm squirming in my chair! But thanks all for sharing! I now know a little bit too much about all of you! LOL LOL LOL<P><BR>

podperson, i like your straight forward honesty. i also enjoy reading and responding to this subject line.<BR>i don't know if i have any advice to offer that's hasn't already been posted but i want to share my experience with you.<BR>my w never came until several months after we started living together. she had several intimate boy friends before marriage and she had been married 5 yrs. and had two children but never an orgasm. we were having sex constantly. but no orgasm. my w dismissed the whole thing saying she didn't miss what she never had. i knew otherwise. i suppose she masturbated and came that way though i've never asked her. anyway, and then she did come and she started coming sooner and sooner and more often. now she almost always comes. she also masturbates. she can masturbate at work by leaning against the corner of a table while working. hard to believe isn't it. seems we would have a vibrator in our love nest but we've never bothered to get one. but we should.<BR>our problem is i don't care to have sex with her because she's gained too much weight and it's a turn off for me.<BR>i suspect she's never going to loose the excess weight and i'm just going to do without the sex i deserve. this is probably what lead to my affair in the first place. anyway, i just wanted to share with a kindred spirit.

Maya,<P>Yes you are a LUCKY woman. I'm glad you recognize that. I would give my right arm to have a giving husband. I wish my husband was like yours and like alot of the betrayed husbands on this forum. So many of them seem so great and it does make me wonder why their wives had an affair. If my husband was anything like them, I know I never would have so I understand why they are so devastated. I also understand why you are so filled with remorse and guilt because it sounds like you really did cheat on a great husband. But that is not the case with me at all. I know it and my husband knows it too.<P>When the OM took an interest in me, I felt alive again. I felt like a desirable woman again, like I hadn't felt in too many years to count. Sure, I could have ignored that, or turned away, or refused his attention, but it felt good and I didn't want to turn away. I wanted to feel good and I don't think it's wrong to want to feel good, or even selfish to want to feel good. I want to feel good with my husband but he has to do his part. I was patient for 20 years and it got me nowhere. As a matter of fact, he got worse and worse and lazier and lazier. <P>Couelle,<P>You're right, I should have a more positive attitude about the whole thing, but I am just so tired. I want things to be right between my husband and I but I am skeptical. Can people really change that drastically? He says he wants to, but is it realistic for me to believe that he really can?

Pod, my affair was not about sex. Why would it be when I've got such an excellent lover at home?<P>Relationships are MORE than sex to me. That's why I began to resent sex with H because it's all we seemed to do together. It's the only time he seemed interested in ME .... I felt like a piece of property.<P>Now that was NOT how he felt. I tried to tell him, but not being a good communicator, I gave up. Along comes someone that says the right things when I'm very vulnerable and feeling low about myself. He was interested in ME ....<P>Of course I didn't handle this problem the RIGHT way ..... <p>[This message has been edited by Maya (edited October 07, 1999).]

PodPerson:<BR>You know you sound just like my "W" did 30 years ago. Of course she was married to that other fella then. The one that was too selfish and ignorant to know what her needs were. So She and I found each other, found how to satisfy "all" of our needs, not just sexual and we still together after 30 years.<P>BTW you should know that the overwhelming majority of women have difficulty in acheiving orgasm through intercourse and most never do. If men were a bit more knowledgable they would know that and learn other techniques. <P>When I found out that the ssecret to my "W" successful orgasms was through oral sex, I didn't hesitate. Even though, like many others I've heard from, she doesn't reciprocate as often (hardly ever) or as enthusiastically. But since I happen to enjoy my "W" pleasure I still love to do it as often and as long as she wants.<P>Paul:<P>I certainly don't want to be judgmental but I'm not certain your contributions to these forums are of a great deal of value. First, sex is an important part of a marriage. Probably the most important in some marriages. Secondly, if love is too be unconditional then there should be no problem with either partner providing for the needs of the other "unconditionally". Thirdly, God is a very big part of my life, every aspect of my life is governed by Him, so don't take offense when I say that often we insert "God" into situations so we don't have to deal with them. I personally don't think it is God's intent to dictate His creatures sex lives. He gave us the ability and the desire for sex so that men and women could find a way of coming together and joining in a mutual bond. He did not intend for us to be judgmental about what is good or bad about sex. He gave us "sex" period and it is up to us as humans and individuals to use it as we see fit. So if you know that your wife gets turned on by smelling feet and you chose not to indulge her, then you run the risk of losing her, it's that simple. If your love is truly unconditional then you have no problem in adapting to her needs and she to yours. <P>The problem is that we always seem to act differently than we speak. It seems that "unconditional" has meaning only to the reciever and not the giver. We "want" everything, but sometimes we are not willing to "give" much.<P>Maya:<P>A lot of women have your 'hang up" but you needn't worry. If your "H" doesn't have a "hang up" about going there then what's the problem. Just relax and enjoy. That's what it is all about. Love him and let him love you. Have a great time.<P>Flip

Maya,<P>My affair wasn't about sex either so I hear what you're saying. My marriage problems are way more than just about sex. They are about disrespect, emotional abuse, and neglect. Truthfully, the sex just goes along with everything else. What I am trying to say is, if my husband hadn't been cursing me, mistreating me or disrespecting me, I could not have cheated on him, orgasm or no orgasm. Frankly, I think if my husband was more of a giving person, he wouldn't have cursed me and verbally abused me. That would be a contradition in terms. My husband was selfish, all the way around, for most of our marriage so it is no big surprise he'd be selfish sexually too. I think it goes hand in hand with everything else.<P>So, what I am saying is, if he had been a great guy, a giving guy, then he'd have been easier to work with and I could have been understanding about the sex. I know one thing, I could never have cheated on him if he hadn't given me so many reasons to resent him and boy he gave me alot. His bad behavior through the years made it easier for me to justify cheating. If he had been a great guy, I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror. That's not the case though. I look in the mirror and see a woman who is just plain tired, bags under my eyes and everything. <P>Flip,<P>You are so right. And I'm sure your attitude is helpful to your marriage. Your wife is a lucky woman too. To hear my husband speak as you do would be a dream come true for me. It is all that I've ever wanted.

Podperson,<BR>It is estimated that only about 30% of women can have "vaginal" orgasms i.e. through intercourse. The remaining 70% of us women require direct clitoral stimulation, either manually or orally. There is quite a bit of debate whether the "vaginal" orgasms are truly vaginal only and that most likely these women are recieving indirect clitoral stimulation during intercourse. MY (unprofessional) opinion is that there is no such thing as a true vaginal orgasm, and that lucky 30% have a clitoris that is located closer to the vagina, or have a certain type of sensitivity that makes so-called vaginal orgasm possible. I think it is a figment of some men's imagination that their "thing" is enough to do it for us. I don't think there is anything wrong with the rest of us 70%'ers. That said, I refuse to be intimate with anyone who won't do oral. Mainly because I wouldn't ever want to feel like any part of my body was "yucky" to my partner. Vice versa for me too. I would never dream of denying the same to my partner.

Hey Paul...<BR>Adam HAD God....and God said it is NOT GOOD for man to be alone...so he made him a helpmate...and a naked one at that. Go figure. :-)<p>[This message has been edited by Tman (edited October 06, 1999).]

PodPerson - (What a handle, BTW - I don't think an affair turns somebody into one of those!) Here's a quick fix, as long as we're being totally explicit here. This is something that's worked well with both my W's on occasion, and keeps the man more interested to boot (if noshing the sweet stuff down there doesn't keep him interested enough!)<P>First ask him to try just a LITTLE oral sex, enough to get you really aroused but not enough enough to bring you to orgasm. Then, before he gets bored, bring him up and take hold of his [censored]. Only instead of putting it in you, rub the tip of it back and forth over your clitoris (however it feels best to do it) until you come. This should keep him interested (because he's being stimulated too!) And basically you're doing the same thing as when you use your finger, only it's a lot more fun than your finger!<P>Hell of a thread you've started! (You did ask for honest answers!) I'll get back to you on what tantra is. Right now, I've got to get back to work, for God's sake!<P>--Wex

Tman:<BR>I am biting my tongue and staying out of this post, I read it to see if Pod got what she was looking for.<P>[This message has been edited by Paul Moyers (edited October 06, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by Paul Moyers (edited October 06, 1999).]

Wexwill,<P>Gee, you are funny. I like you! And I can't wait to find out what tantra is so don't keep me on pins and needles too long. LOL! I am going to try to remain more positive. I know I've been in a crappy mood and me being stubborn right now won't help things at all. I know this. I will give my husband and opportunity to try these things with me. We go to counseling tomorrow, so hopefully we can hash some of this out during our session. Thanks so much.<P>Tman, Amen!

Hi Everyone:<BR>Just thought I'd give you a title of a book to read that may help. The book is titled:<BR>"I'm not in the mood: What Every Woman should Know about improving her libdio". By Judith Reichman. Has anyone read the book?

Wex, I don't know, I sent a copy of the tantric technique to an associate in Japan and the next thing I know; They're having a meltdown...<P>What she is asking for is a saphic husband.<BR>Start her out slow.

PodPerson - Glad you weren't offended! I did worry about that because I wasn't trying to, just sharing an idea. I guess I do have a funny way of putting some things though. Glad it gave you a laugh and I really DO recommend it as a technique. Like Joe DiMaggio used to say on those old Mr. Coffee commercials, "It works for me!" I will get back to you on the tantra, because there are some books I can recommend on the subject, and because the post will take me longer than I have right now. R & B,<P>--Wex

fighter - I think PodPerson could use a meltdown about now!<P>--Wex

My affair was not about sex either, it was about someone "wanting" to be with me...the excitement of someone wanting to please me and be with me. I could have all the sex I want at home...being my H is a SA and all, but he takes off into his fantasy world and doesn't even know I'm there, I feel empty and used after sex with him...it's not love making...I know exactly where you stand, and to be quite honest...I have found a lot of pleasure in a vibrator...*blushing* but at least it's true to me when I need it...LOL.<BR>As for intercourse, I read someone else mention this too, about using a vibrator, it really does help, and it helps to make you think about your own pleasure rather than seeing how your H is the only one getting off on the practice. Try it, you don't have anything to lose, just pleasure to gain.<P>And I have used the technique that Wexwill suggested...it works just fine...give it a try.<P><BR>------------------<BR>~Bren~<BR> Nothing will happen today that God and I can't handle together.<p>[This message has been edited by Benna (edited October 06, 1999).]