My story has an interesting twist--my H started the A 4 years ago while we lived in IL. (I had no idea of the A while in IL) We recently moved to NC supposedly for a new start...a new job in a new state a new life for us and our 3 children. I discovered the A after we moved here. When confronted he said he would end the A but now he says he wants us both and has been visiting sites on polyarmous relationships. It is a bunch of hogwash and I will not go for allowing him to justify his affair like that.
I have read the book and am in the process of plan A. Do alot of people find it hard to resist the advice from loving friends and family to just get out and leave him? It is so hard to resist the urge to take my babies and run back to IL.
Anyway--I am confused,lost,hurt,searching for advice that will help me save my marriage.

Thanks in advance for any comments.
Suzanna42

dday-oct 13 2006
BS-42
WS-40
3 children 14,13,10

In my case I specifically told my family politely but firmly to keep their opinions to themselves. I did that almost from the beginning and they respected my wishes. They have also changed their opinions in many cases and now are in favor of me staying. Family generally is only trying to protect you - the individual. They usually have no interest in the M. I suggest to tell them that they should respect your H because you love him and it is your problem to deal with. Thanks them for their love and support but ask them not to give you any advice. It worked for me.

In my case, it was very easy to ignore what everyone advised, and still is. Then again, I have been called arrogant and have accomplished a number of things in my life already that everyone doubted me about, and advised me to do differently. Although, I really like what piojitos suggested=)

From what I have seen, the interest in polyamory, etc. etc. seems not common, but not uncommon either, in affairs. My situation was unusual, is unusual, but still fits most of what is to be expected.

I personally was a vocal supporter of some form of polyamory (my personal theories get a bit complex there, but since they are wrong anyhow, no point to nit pick!), and it is part of what lead to the double affair that my wife and I are still not through. But, in retrospect, my interest in poly(something) was because I was too afraid to express all of my emotions and feelings, thus I wasn't satisfied; so I came to believe that one person could never do it all, which is wrong and leads to either, in my case, intense pain and a life-altering situation, or for some others--those who practice such things--a constant, nagging, unnameable pain or lonlieness and never full experience of love--something that won't be believed and will be denies...only a year ago I would have argued up and down against what I am saying right now.

Perhaps I babbled on too much, but I hope this helps in some way shape or form.

Hey Suzanna and welcome...I live in NC too...You will find some wonderful advice here...there are great people here who have been thru what you are going thru...And they will steer you in the right direction. And to answer your question, yes, I have heard all sorts of advice from my family and friends, but I have learned, I know they love and care about me but unless someone has gone thru what you are going thru right now,they have not a clue as to what it feels like and what they would do. I listen their advice but I stick to what is in my heart. Are you near the coast or mountains? I am in the mountains. Keep your chin up...

Have you read Neak's post? It is almost a textbook about what you are going to have to go through this next year if you want to save your marriage. First things first, you need to gather up all your evidence and EXPOSE to anyone who would be able to put pressure on your WH to end the affair. Surely he has some friends who believe in monogamous relationships as opposed to polyamorous ones. They might be able to knock some sense into him. Read up on plan A and B, and get ready for a future plan B because that is what it will take to get a cake-eater back to their senses.

- Jim

Suzanna, sorry you are here. But you are in the right place to get help for your marriage. There is much you need to learn, so please start reading here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0&fpart=1

Then come back and we can discuss your situation and help you devise the best strategy to combat this affair. Polymory? We have heard that inane excuse for affairs around here before. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Also, who is this OW, is she married, what does she do? Does she have children? Has the affair been exposed to her side of the family?

Hi Suzanna,

As I told JM, my FWH developed an interest/sympathy for polyamory during his affair that had never been there before. I had completely forgotten until now, but he did babble on about it every now and again, why is everybody so down on polygamy, it has a lot to offer, and other such baloney.

Fortunately for his health and well-being, he did not tell me of OW's proposal for a 3-way until the A was over. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Don't stress it too much right now. It is just one more patch of fog he is using to protect himself from the reality of how awful he is being. If you get some months into recovery and he is still interested in the whole poly thing, then you should worry.

Tell us more about yourself, your children, and anything else that might be helpful. And, as Mel was discussing, find out the information if you don't already know about the OW.

Two years ago, if asked, I would have given you exactly the same advice your family and friends are giving you now. Having lived through it changed my viewpoint completely. Now I believe in staying and fighting. Plus, if anyone moves out, it needs to be him.

My prayers are with you, hang in there.
Neak

It's interesting to me that men who believe in polyamorous activities usually are thinking 2 women and 1 man, and not the other way around. How convenient.

You know, believer, you are absolutely right! I wonder what would happen if Suzanna told him she was all on board and her new "husband," Bill was moving in next week?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

This is so true! Just for comparison, I asked him if he would be ok with having another man join us then. He was at least honest enough to admit he would have a hard time with that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

thanks so much for all the advice, words of encouragement, etc...I really needed to talk to people who have or are going through the same things. I keep telling my loving friends/family that they really don't know what they would do under the same circumstances...

I am so new to this whole thing and I have no idea how to find the thread mentioned all about cake eaters...can you tell me how to find it? I am also unsure of how to really reply--please forgive me if I don't get to things right away or respond to the wrong post! The OW is single, never married, works on lots of projects with my H...he tells me he isn't sure he can live without her...I just wonder how he will do without me...

Suzanna, have you exposed this affair? Exposure is the single most potent weapon you have against this affair. Affairs thrive in secrecy and when they are exposed, the affairees are forced to see themselves through the eyes of others. It is ruinous to the supporting fantasy.

Good exposure targets are employers, parents of all parties, siblings, children, close friends. What opportunities would you have here?

We are new to the job and area so I don't know anyone he works with really...should I really tell his boss? Should I tell his mom and siblings? I just felt it was more his place to tell them all...I have told my siblings but not my parents. I was kind of waiting until plan b to tell my parents.

Neak--thanks so much for your words of encouragement. It means alot from someone who has gone through it all! I have been in such a fog since it all began.
I am reading your thread and am amazed at your gutsy moves going to the hotel and all!
You know what I hate the most right now is the fact that I am so consumed with finding all the clues...I hate being so suspicious and untrusting. I hate that he abused my trust all these years!
Is there any articles or more info on cake eaters? How long for plan a and how long for plan b?

Plan A for WH usually should last one and a half to three months, followed by plan B (which should last no longer than 18 months). After that it is definitely time to move on. As far as exposure, you should expose to any person who is capable of putting pressure on him to end the affair. That would be his family, his friends, the OWH, the OW's family, etc. Coworkers and bosses should be notified if the affair is with someone at the workplace.

How sad that he is doing things that make you rightfully suspicious and untrusting. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I wish I had found MB before the motel, but I hadn't, so I had no idea how to combat the "we're just friends now" garbage.

Still, I did take all the fun out of their day. "Excuse me, Gargy, while I walk my wife out and kiss her good-bye a bunch of times, then come back and spend time with you. Don't worry, I won't say out loud how much hotter my wife looks than you right now. Jeans and a T-shirt are pretty good, too, almost as good as short little red dresses."

(I have to comfort myself with this peridically. There is so much more I could have done if I knew then what I knew now. But it all came out in the wash.)

Suzanna,

I was wondering how you were doing. Are you planning to expose? Don't let him know in advance. You want exposure to be a tidal wave of the truth and catch him off guard. If he knows you are going to expose he has a chance to difuse the situation by telling his folks, etc., "My crazy, jealous wife is thinking I'm having an affair with just a friend. Can't a guy have female friends," or other such garbage.