He is such a loner so friend pressure won't really work---I have told a few of our "couple" friends. He has a bad relationship with his parents so pressure from them wouldn't work except to make him really mad at me for telling them. We are new to the area and job so work pressure is not going to affect him all that much. I think the only ones who might have an effect on him would be his sister and brother. He will be very angry with me for telling though--I am afraid of his anger. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
Should I tell them? Doesn't that fly in the face of the idea of plan A and not making them angry?

Plan A is not about avoiding anger. It is about avoiding love busters, like angry outbursts, selfish demands, and disrespectful judgements. Your husband has been angry at you before. Marriage can survive an angry spouse, but it cannot survive an ongoing affair. Expose to his sister, brother, and parents. He will get very angry, but it is important not to get angry back (that would be failing plan A). Just let him know that you are doing this to try and save your marriage because you love him. It will get worse before it gets better, but TRUST me, this (along with Plan B) is the MOST important step for getting him to end his affair. Did you read my situation. My WW told me it was over after I exposed, but FIVE DAYS LATER she agreed to NC with OM. Isn't that what you want?

I decided the other day it was time to move to plan b and emailed him a plan b letter...detailing my needs as to how to rebuild the marriage and my intent to move back to Illinois after the Christmas holidays if things didn't change.
I expected him to get really mad and was prepared to leave right away. Instead he cried and held me all night, he came home from work early the next day and we talked and cried all afternoon. I still was planning to leave and let him know how serious I was to carry out this plan--told him where I planned to work and live while there and when I would be able to get the kids there...he was supportive and very sad. He had previously not been willing to attend a counselling appt this friday but after all of this he was very willing to go--in fact wanted to go if I didn't. We went to the appt and during the course of the appt he agreed to NC with the OW except what was absolutely necessary at work...I in return then agreed to stay if he gave me access to all email and if he was committed to the whole NC thing. The polyamorous thing never came up...
We see the counsellor again Tuesday---

Any thoughts or suggestions????

Tell your family and friends that you will listen to their thoughts (advice and concerns) but to please respect your decisions because you are not able to tell them everything.

That is what I did and it worked. Of course you need to stand your ground.

Ressure them you are getting support and ask for their support as well.

Your support can come from many places, persons and yes, even things. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Wow, good news. This may have gotten him to snap out of the fog. Beware though, there will be withdrawal. He will want to contact OW even though he agreed not to. It is not because he wants to lose you, it is just that the craving is so strong it will hard for him to resist. You need to plan lots of activities, and keep yourselves busy to help keep his mind off withdrawal. I would recommend having him talk to Dr. Harley. He is very good at speaking to WHs. He can help guide your husband through withdrawal so there are no relapses. NC is VERY hard to do cold turkey. Notice the multiple NC dates on my signature. You need to make sure measures are in place so he can't slip up if he feels like he needs his fix (I deleted his phone number and email address from everywhere, but she still found a friend who still had his number).

I do believe the fog has lifted a little--some of it was the thought of his having to deal with the kids and their questions about what he did to make me leave--they know that I love them more than anything and it would literally kill me to leave them. He also loves them dearly so it would kill him to have them hate him.
I understand the pull is strong to contact her...I am so scared that he will but know in my heart that he probably will. Did you try the voice activated recorder in the car? I think he will most likely call her while in the car...
This new counsellor seems to really care so I think I will rely on his advice and his help with WS...
Thanks so much for your support and helpful advice. I think we may be on the way to recovery--why is it so scary? I hate the whole rollercoaster thing. I crave consistency but maybe that is what helped to lead up to this???

Suzanna, do you understand he cannot withdraw until contact ends? And that there will never be any recovery until withdrawal takes place? This will not work. Contact is contact. You can call it a liverwurst sandwich or "work contact," it is still contact and he cannot ever withdraw until all contact ends. You will be dealing with an on-again, off again affair until you understand this.

He should NEVER EVER be in any contact with her again. Even if he has to quit his job or move out of state. Skipping this step will absolutely prevent recovery. I am sorry to tell you this, but this is not a step you can get away with cutting.

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html


Mimi wrote: Check this out from the How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS..one of my favorite pieces of reading material...

p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

Imagine applying this same statement to an alcholic because that is exactly what you are doing:

"We went to the appt and during the course of the appt he agreed to quit drinking except what was absolutely necessary at work"

Do you think an alcoholic can ever recover if he continues to have drinks, but just calls them "work drinks?" Not only will he not ever withdraw, but he will be obsessed with getting more and more.

Similarly, your H will be in a state of perpetual withdrawal with his occasional OW fixes. And pretty soon the affair will be back on again full force. But the next time, you won't have any leverage because he knows you will tolerate it and has got over his fear of losing you.

Does the OW live in NC or IL? Do they work at the same location?

What is the company policy on affairs?

Have you exposed there?