confronted WS last night about excessive cell phone minutes and instant messages (don't have bill detail yet; will get it in a week). he insists that they are "just friends" and "just talking", acknowledges nothing inappropriate, won't admit WHO he's talking to (i already know, but wanted him to say it), etc. obviously, he is not ready for NC if he doesn't even agree that he is doing anything wrong. my gut feeling is that it is still in the talking stages but that there is already a strong emotional attachment/addiction. do i proceed with plan A or sit back and wait for things to progress?

Welcome. Proceed with Plan A, and continue snooping. Now that he knows you are noticing, he will likely get more careful.

Is he working with the other woman? Is she married?

Yes, proceed with Plan A.

Welcolm Pray,


RED FLAG NUMBER 1;


WHOOPS-- RED FLAG NUMBER 2


No, you need more evidence. It is not spying or snooping. You need to uncover the truth of what may be damaging or destroying your marriage! You have every right to do so!!!

Can you request the cell bill online? This way you will not have to sit and ring your hands waiting for the monthly bill to arrive. You can access it anytime you desire.

Plan A is IMHO, definitely in your future, but for now, you need evidence to uncover and expose what may , or may not be happening.

Best of luck with this, I know it hurts to even imagine.

All Blessings,
Jerry

You need to do a reverse cell phone search to uncover the number. If you can't find a place online to do it, you can hire a PI to get the info. Get that number and find out who it is! Spend the money to find out now.

- Jim

yes she is married and yes she works with him.

we just talked again. i told him i believe he is having an emotional affair with OW (i stated who). i told him i want to see his cell phone and that he should have NC with her. he said he was fine with me looking @ his phone, but when asked would not give it to me. said he turned it off after we talked last night and hasn't turned it back on so it doesn't matter. he said he can't have NC b/c he works with her. he sees how i could think the relationship is out of line but insists they're "just friends". he doesn't admit to doing anything wrong. i told him that i take full responsibility for the issues in our marriage that caused this and am willing to work on those AFTER the affair is over. he said nothing. i told him he is playing with fire and needs to choose what is more important, his "friendship" or our marriage/family. again, he says nothing.

what next?

i know whose number it is and who the OW is. i can't get a detailed cell phone bill until the 10th (without a court supeona), but i'm watching the minutes and they are talking around two hours a day and sending 30+ text messages. he also deletes the history on his phone every day and has her number "hidden" under another name in his contact list.

Plan A, gather some more info (i.e. see if you can find what his text messages say before he deletes them, or call the provider and see if they have a log of what was texted), and expose to family friends, coworkers, etc.

- Jim

That is plenty of info to expose with. Take the next cell phone bill (or usually you can just print out a current log online), and expose to his friends, parents, pastor at church, coworkers, and boss. Let them know that you are doing this to save your marriage, and want to end his affair. After exposure, there will be significant pressure from multiple sources to get him to end this inappropriate relationship. Don't worry about his anger. He'll get pissed at first, but it is the first step toward recovery. If you take a bottle of booze away from an alcoholic, his first reaction is to get angry, but once he recovers he will thank you for it. Don't be afraid of his anger. You need to do this to state your boundaries, and get him to end the affair. Do this quickly. I waited until after my WW's EA developed into a PA because I was afraid of her anger. Once I exposed, the affair was over FIVE DAYS LATER! This is a war to save you marriage, and you need to be prepared to fight.

- Jim

cool! If they are just "friends," then you can ALL be friends together. Ask your H to invite her over tonight and you can all "just talk" together.

Yep, EXACTLY MEL.

If it were me, I would be calling up her husband and letting him know what is up. Tell him you believe this is an emotional affair. Ask him and his W to come to your home tonight to hash this out so you can nip this in the bud NOW.

funny thing is her husband is his work-out partner. in fact, they are working out together right now. he seems to think the EA is okay b/c he is also friends with her husband. too bad i'm outta the loop!

i exposed to my sis (she's already called him), his brother and sis-in-law. i guess we'll see what happens and go from there. thanks so much for the helpful advice and support.

YOU NEED TO EXPOSE TO THE OWH....!

hey girl, your getting some strait shooting advise on here huh !!! How are you doing? Have you thought about talking to her husband? You know my story...that "just friends"thing scares me. Is he being defensive about it?

So you have told him what you told us here? Have you spoken to him PERSONALLY?

His employer should be interested in this less there be a sexual harrassment case looming in their future. Some employers have policies about this.

You might want to read "More Than Friends" or "Not Just Friends" - something like that. Author's last name is Glass

Pray ~

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, BUT....this was my exact sitch ~ found out about an EA (and my H wouldn't even call it THAT ~ swore up and down that they were just friends, blahblahblah); and same as you, they were talking TONS on the phone and texting like mad. That sucked and hurt like he**, but I "knew" that nothing physical had happened, my H would NEVER do that.

Sucks for me that I was wrong ~ dead wrong. It was an EA and had JUST TURNED INTO A PA the weekend before I found out.

PLEASE do something about this now ~ if by some chance it has NOT turned physcial yet (but brace yourself for the possibility ~ NO ONE ever believes their spouse would be capable of that!), you HAVE to help your H stop his addiction before it turns physical ~ because while EA's hurt like crazy too, believe me, once it gets physical, it is much, much, MUCH worse. I was sick and sad and hurt for the 3 weeks that it was "just" an EA; I was (am) crazy, out of my mind and tormented now.

Expose to OW's H ~ now, today. And insist to your H that this is going to stop, that even having a "friendship" with another woman where they spend 2 hours/day talking on the phone is totally inappropriate.

And yes, kick Plan A into gear big time. Become someone he can talk to 2 hours a day...pretend you are OW and are as interested in him as she is. That's part of Plan A.

Good luck, keep coming back here for encouragement.

~MF

My H was involved in an EA. It was difficult for him to acknowledge that it was an EA for a while. He had been e-mailing her and had set up a little file of saved e-mails. Once he knew I knew about their contact, he told me they were just re-establishing their old friendship. He did not even go back and re-read his own e-mails to take a look at what he had been doing.

Well, I found the e-mails and read them. I was shocked at the volume as well as the content. He still would not re-read them. He insisted that he was just having "fun". I read some of the phrases to him--Had to put it in his face before he could acknowledge that what he had been doing was a violation of our marriage. Once he heard me read them, he was done with the silliness and gladly sent a no contact letter.

It is easy for them to deny that they are doing anything wrong when they don't have to acknowledge exactlly what they have been saying to each other. I say, if there is any way to get a hold of the messages, do that and print them out because he will delete them if he knows you know of their existance. I waited a week to actually look for the e-mails and read them. It would have been over a whole week earlier if I had looked. Somehow, I thought I was honoring his right to privacy and also protecting myself from pain----Wrong!

There are people on this forum who can help you get the content of those messages. Ask for that help on your thread title.
Lake

he says that he called her today and told her that i knew, and that they had to stop calling each other. he says she is agreeable to NC. now what?

You still need to contact OWH. "We need to stop," might mean, "we need to take this further underground, so my wife won't find out." OWH needs to help police the situation. Either your WH or OW need to find another job if there is to be NC. There needs to be a NC letter approved by you delivered to the OW. Your WH needs to be an open book and fully account for his email, cell phone log, and text messages (no deleting). He may not violate your agreement, and any contact with the OW needs to be reported to you immediately. I'll let the pros chime in more.

- Jim