Then when is one of them quitting their job?

Unless one of them is willing to quit their job, then you still have a very serious problem here.

Keep snooping and you're probably going to have to expose to everyone.

Do NOT tell him you're going to expose to anyone. You'll need to write a letter to their bosses alerting them to the situation.

There are posters here who can help you w/ the letter, so post it here before you send it.

You'll definitely will need to expose to OWH. Basically everyone who can put pressure on them to end their 'friendship'. And you'll want to expose all at once. Not a little bit one day and more another. All at once.

Here's a link to help you spy...click here-------> SPYING 101

And here's one that talks more about exposure....Click here-------> EXPOSURE 101


Keep posting.


~ Marsh

Wow Pray, when I read your post, it felt like I was reading about my own story. I can tell you, they are MORE than friends. My husband had an affair with a friend of ours and co-worker of his. They called each other all the time and texted each other constantly. I was unaware of this until I looked at the cell phone bill one month. There were 200+ text messages in a month and many calls!!!! He would always delete everything to do with her. He would delete all text messages to and from her and his call log too. He guarded his phone like it was a lifeline. He was very protective of his phone; he rarely left it sitting around. But, when he did, I looked at it. He would "hang out" with her a lot in her apartment. She was single by the way, so they were alone. They would "hang out" for hours. I asked so many times if there was anything going on and all I heard was "we're just friends, we hang out, we listen to music, we talk, we watch movies/TV". I wanted so badly to believe him because I NEVER thought he could sleep with someone else and I NEVER thought she could do that to me. I NEVER thought she was that type of person. But, I knew in my GUT that there was something going on. This went on like this from June until September. I can't believe I lived like that for so long and continued to let him "hang out" with her. I paced the floors and cried almost every night. He was gone every night. I REALLY wish I would have found this site back then. Maybe I could have prevented some of it - maybe not. But, I would be a lot further along right now if I knew of this site. I would not have suffered as badly as I did.

You are lucky to have found this site. Listen to these people. EXPOSE! Anyone on here who knows of my story knows I was terrified to expose. It took a lot of persuation from these wonderful people. I did expose and my husband is still really angry at me. It's horrible. It's a terrible feeling and I hate the way he looks at me. I'm no expert and I have no idea what to do myself, but I just wanted to share my story.

Don't back down. Don't let him take advantage of you the way my husband did to me. Expose and start fighting for your husband.

I wish you the best of luck. Keep posting and I'll keep checking up on you. Maybe we can help each other through this. We have very similar stories and we are at about the same point in trying to save our marriage. I'll chime in when I feel like I can help, but I'll definitely be reading!!

we talked long into the night...as is typical, he started confessing that their talking about "nothing" was really talking about everything...problems in their marriages, things they saw in each other...fear that they were crossing the line.

we talked about his needs that he was getting met through her. she is pretty much the total opposite of me; perfect in every way that i am lacking. that is so hard! it's overwhelming to think of all the changes i need to make.

he seems to be very honest with me about how difficult NC is and the withdrawal he is going through.

this morning we both cried and he SO did not want to go to work. they both work at a public school and are under contract until the end of May. but christmas break is coming up so maybe that will help them get through these first few weeks.

he called to tell me he saw her in the teachers lounge first thing this morning. he acknowledged that she was there but didn't linger even though he can tell she is in a lot of pain. he says it would be easier if his best friend had died. that he is inflicting pain on her and will continue to inflict pain on her, and that is the right thing. it seems so twisted.

i'm very proud of him and at the same time so scared that he will not be strong enough.

tell your H that since he is "just friends" with this person that you would like to sign a post nuptual agreement NOW that would give the all marital property to the other spouse in the event of an affair.
He will balk at this!

Expose this to anyone that can help.

Ask your H to take a polygraph. He will balk at this to. Why, because he is a liar... you know it... he knows it... the ho knows it. You have enough proof already. He has no business talking to the woman so much.... and there will need to be NC in the future... wheich means he loses his relationship with his workout partner.

Your H is cheating on you and I would bet the house it has gone beyond talking at this point. Does he talk to YOU for 2 hours a day? Does he text you all those times? I would bet not.

Keep snooping and put him to the test. He will fail... I believe his latest conversation with you is nothing more than a smoke screan to cover up what he has really been doing. She is in a lot of pain for a reason!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't be proud of him just yet.

Have you exposed to OWH? If not, you need to, so he can help police things from his side.

It's good that he's opening up to you. And you are doing GREAT at listening to him!

But....

NC means NO CONTACT!

As long as they are still seeing each other, you're in trouble.

Your WH needs to ask for a transfer.

You need to tell her husband....NOW!!!!!



~ Marsh

Does this sound to you like they are "just friends?" Can you imagine ever feeling this way about a GIRLFRIEND?

I hate to tell you this, but this is far, far from over. Seeing her at work every day will keep him addicted. He should ask for an transfer to another school.

This is about like sending a "recovering" alcoholic into the bar every day and givng him "work" drinks and expecting him to recover. Changing the name of the name of the contact to "work contact" is real cute, but it is nothing more than a card trick that will never lead to withdrawal, never lead to recovery.

Call her H, Pray. You may end up exposing the affair at work, too, if one of them wont leave.

Sounds like what I went through with my STBXH. If you want your marriage, you really must listen to the posters who are advising you. No halfway measures.

as i said, they are both under contract. they work at the same campus but in diff buildings. he has to go to her building occassionally but the agreement is that he will only go when job requires and he will report to me that he went there, if she was present, whether eye contact was made, etc.

so far wh has done everything i have asked him to, so why should i turn up the fire unless i discover that they have started contacting again? i picked up on the EA relatively quickly (a couple of weeks) by the distraction/emotional distance at home. i'd like to think i will pick up on it again if he goes back.

The problem is you don't appreciate how ADDICTIVE these A's are.

He said, he'd rather have his best friend DIE than give up this 'friendship'.

What does THAT say to you?

He may TRY to keep away from her and she might try to keep away from him, but as long as they are still in contact there will be a powerful pull towards one another.

They will not be able to resist it.

Now that they know you know about them, they'll go under ground w/ their A. You will have a harder time finding out that the A is on going.

Your marriage is still threatened as long as there is contact between them.

~ Marsh

Are you going to tell OWH?

~ Marsh

I think you should give her husband a call. I wish I had called OW's H when I was suspicious. I think it would've helped. Come to think of it, I wish I had done several things when I was suspicious instead of just telling WH to do what he felt was the right thing...stupid, huh?

Don't be stupid like I was--I thought our marriage was OVER, so I let it go. If you love your husband, FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT for your marriage, and for you children.

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html


Mimi wrote: Check this out from the How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS..one of my favorite pieces of reading material...

p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

Hi Pray4,
I just thought I'd offer some support as I'm going through a very similar situation
(see thread: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...=0#Post3143236) for details.)

They see each other every day-- she is his boss' admin asst. Supposedly he has quit all texting w/her since I confronted him 11/24. The next time they saw each other (last Mon., 11/27) he says she asked him if he was mad at her (due to his lack of contact) and he let her know that I'd seen his text and phone call log. He says she was embarrassed and also asked if I was going to inform her husband (which I had said I was not going to do). He told her I might be calling her and supposedly she was mortified. He has said they are "just friends" so she asked why I thought something more than friendship was going on, and was I threatened by his having a female friend. Then he told her the reason for the blow up was that he lied about who he was texting with (again supposedly because he wanted to avoid some kind of jealousy situation?-- his excuse). I don't know whether he was making up that whole interaction or not.

Anyway... silly me, I've been trying to take him at his word that they are "just friends" so even though I am continuing to snoop (which he has made more difficult), I have not moved forward with any kind of exposure. Reading all the input on your thread makes me feel even more foolish. I have thought about sending an anonymous letter to her husband but then worry about her intercepting it.

The holidays are also going to be awkward as my mom knows everything that has gone on (he is also emotionally abusive to me) but his family knows nothing. They are the types who believe private business needs to stay behind closed doors, and even if I exposed to them, they probably would never mention it to WH. I have no idea what to do.

Hang in there and I'll be very curious to follow updates on your story.

okay, i am going to tell OWS. i have his cell phone number. what do i say? how much info do i give him?

Good for you.

You're doing the right thing.

He deserves to know.

He can be your biggest ally in this thing.

Tell him everything you know.

Here's a link that will help you w/ exposure...

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rt=all&vc=1

Let us know how it goes....

~ Marsh

i did it. i called and left a msg on his voicemail. i feel sick. i asked him to call or text and at least let me know he got the message.

Good job. Let us know what his reply is. You may have just nipped this thing in the but right there.

You are very brave.

You did the right thing.

Let us know what happens next.

Be prepared for your WH to be angry that you did this.

You did this to save your marriage.

Repeat that to him.

((((((HUGS))))))

~ Marsh

thanks for the support (and encouragement to do the right thing)...it helps so much.

what pushed me over the edge is that he insisted on working out with OWH every night, even though i was very much opposed to it. we got into it about that last night and his attitude (defensive) convinced me that this is far from over. i also heard from a friend at his school that they were still text messaging yesterday.

so if he wants to lift weights with OWH now, more power to him!