...but admittedly I'm not thinking too clearly right about now. This post does not involve infidelity so if it's in the wrong place or if you don't care to read I'll apologize in advance for my oversight.

Background: DDay (EA) was 9/10/05, NC established, recovery since, recently I've realized I need to open up more, share/let go of my past, I may possibly have some aversions to sex/affection.

Last night I threw a surprise party for H's 30th. This was tough, to pull off both the surprise and of course the financial aspect (I've also shared here that we are near financial ruin) Anyway, evening was great...H was surprised, we all had a great time.

H drank too much. WAYYYYY too much. I got him home safely, and was hoping he'd sleep it off. No such luck. He started to drunkenly talk of me not being there for him, nobody being "in his court", yadda yadda. For a while I tried reassuring him & keeping calm but he got worse - broke MANY things in this house. A door, 2 planters, our porch railing outside, our railing leading to the 2nd floor, a chair, ridiculous.

HE NEVER HARMED ME. But at one point I was hiding from him. I wanted to call the police so he could "sleep it off" with them where he & I would both be safe but I knew I couldn't afford to bail him out, and didn't want to face telling my kids Daddy's in jail. Stupid? Maybe.

So I got a bunch of his friends to finally come over & eventually successfully remove him. This morning he came back - I told him I didn't want him here, and that if he came in I'd call the Police. He came in anyway, got his keys & left. Started calling & calling & calling me. Texted apologies that he's so sorry & doesn't even rememeber what he did. "So this is how it ends? 8 years?"

I don't know. I don't want him here...not today, maybe not tomorrow. It doesn't matter that he doesn't remember, doesn't help much that he never hurt me, and I don't know...I need some perspective, I guess.

Again, if this is in the wrong place I'm sorry...if so, perhaps you can direct me to the proper place for help?

How often in the last 8 years has he gotten this drunk?

Breaking things is ABUSE. Also it is very bad for your children to witness the acts, or the aftermath.

I've done some stupid things before when I was drinking. Doesn't mean that excuses them, I'm just stating that I've done them. I also know that there is a point of no return for me when I drink. I tried to keep from going past that point. The problem is once I reach that point, I don't realize it anymore and I go downhill from there. I don't get violent or drive or anything like that, I just say and do stupid things and get a little beligerent. I would deal with this the same why I deal with infidelity. Set your boundaries, and enforce them. Your husband likely just made a mistake. It doesn't excuse his behavior, but you want to ensure that it doesn't happen again. Set up some rules, like no drinking, or you can only drink X number of drinks, etc., or there will be consequences. Don't throw away your marriage because he overindulged one evening. I know you are upset now, but time will easily heal this wound unlike his infidelity. Just calm down, and discuss this with him when the tensions are lowered.

- Jim

Julie,

You threw him a party and while it went well, the night ended on a negative note. Hm...... Now you are upset for the damage done by someone who lost control. Hm.....

Ok girl, time to show some ownership. Did you know he would be this way? Did he act this way before?

If yes, go get him some help. If no, let him sober up at a safe place then u 2 need to talk about your throwing him big parties and his drinking. Sounds like u 2 need to compromise here. You both need to help each other NOT throw the M away.

You sound upset and scared. You did a lot of work on the party and the burden of the $$ aspect is hard. I understand but the method for fixing this new problem s/b handled for what it is not as an outlet for your frustration.

JMHO,
L.

2, maybe 3x? Each tie, there were talks & boundaries & agreements set forth about drinking. I'm mad at myself too, because I did not "police" him last night - I wanted him to have fun. I/we cannot afford to repair/replace these things, and it's very scary. The kids were away overnight, but obviously took a count of all the broken objects upon returning home.



Jim, I know it was the alcohol that did this, so to speak, not him harboring ill feelings towards me or anything like that. And we ALL have that line that we either cross or we don't when it comes to drinking...personally, I almost NEVER cross it, because I don't like to.

If today weren't Sunday I'd have already filed for divorce.

You see, as you may recall Jim, (or maybe I didn't specifically divulge?) my dad was a horrible, violent drunk and so drinking is not just drinking for me. It's a big, BIG deal. Seeing H this drunk didn't bother me, the stupidity & violence does. Had he just passed out it'd be different - much different. But he didn't. He is not welcome in this house! Not today, probably not tomorrow, and maybe not the next day.

I just last week shared w/him a lot of very hurtful stuff...that was SO HARD for me to do...and now look! What is the likelyhood I can ever smile at him again? How can I possibly trust him with MORE details of my past, as also encouraged here?

I'm not making any actual decisions. I've told the friends that are currently babysitting him that he's not welcome back here till further notice, but that's as far as I'll go for now. I seriously don't know how to recover from this, or if I should or if I want to.

You are entitled to your opinion, in fact I recall I asked for it. But no, Orchid, I did not throw him a party so that he could get fall-down drunk and wreck things as the dogs & I sit, huddled, shaking.

Yes, I'm feeling like a victim here.

Yes, he's done this before years ago but when made aware of it & understood my fears & boundaries, took steps to never repeat...well last night he slipped.

Of course I'm frustrated. My efforts went towards a great party and a fool-proof "showing" while there, so that I could get home and watch my dad, er, my husband, be a complete fool.

I actually edited the guest list so that people who are prone to behaving the way H did weren't even aware I was throwing the party. Never in a million years would I have guessed it was H himself who'd spoil the evening!

I'm not saying our M is over. But I'm surely not saying it's not.

Julie - I think this is the hill to die on. I would insist that he stay with friends until everything in the house is fixed as good as new. He can get another job, or do whatever he needs to do.

Also he must agree not to drink. I have NO TOLERENCE for people who behave poorly when drinking. If they know they have a problem, they should not consume alcohol.

When I drink, I get silly, and then go to bed. I never drive after drinking, and never have problems with others. If I did, even once, I would quit.

If you let this go (without consequences), he may feel free to repeat. That would be very harmful for your family, and your love for him.

He just texted me again, "when u goona let me come home?"

What do I say?

Silly, but seriously...what's the RIGHT thing to say? I fear if I don't respond, he'll just show up again, and now the kids *are* home so that is not cool. I can't see him.

Julie,

Your husband made a mistake. Remind him why drinking is such a problem for you. He must replace everything he broke. He must stop drinking (or at least stop drinking so much). State your boundaries and enforce them. Fortunately, this situation is a lot easier fix than a WS. Give yourself a few days to cool off. He just made a mistake. He will make it up to you. Don't give up on the marriage, not after you've gone this far to save it.

I would tell him that his behavior was unacceptable, that he needs to stay away for now, and make arrangements to pay for repairs.

He likely doesn't understand the enormity of what he has done or how it has affected you. You need to text him back, "we need to talk before you can come home." Meet with him somewhere, tell him how he made you feel, what you expect from him, and what needs to be done before you feel safe letting him back. That's what I would do.

I said, "If you are interested in us recovering from this then you need to respect that you can't come here. You are safe & welcome there for now."

(I got impatient awaiting your replies, but it seems we were thinking along the same lines)

His response, "I need clothes & other stuff"

I suppose, being the good babysitter that *I* am, I can bag whatever stuff he needs & set it outside for him to pick up. Or maybe suggest he send somebody for it?

Man, this is stupid.

See, I don't want to be the "boss". I don't like feeling like I'm making somebody do something for fear of wrath.

There are women out there who tolerate this stuff, who aren't bothered by it. Heck, some even join in - I've met a few. I can do neither.

Perhaps he's better of w/one of them? Or, alone? I'm not better off with somebody who may or may not do this again. What if he'd gotten behind the wheel? He did try, but I got the keys away from him.

Orchid: I am not saying you threw the party for the wrong reasons. I am saying the party while fun for a while did contribute to his later condition. Whose fault? His. But it does affect you. Also the party did cause you some stress and it is that stress that I am pointing out needs to be separated from the issue at hand.



Orchid: You are a victim. You also have the power to work on a solution. So you have dual roles. Think of it like a parent who takes their child out for a big ice cream party and the child overeats with too much sugar, then gets sick. The parent still has to take care of their sick child, the child had fun at the party, the parent had to foot the bill for the party....whose the victim? Both the child and the parent. Yet it is the parent who can provide help to the child and the child has to cooperate and work on getting better. Do you give up if it is your child? What about your H?


Orchid: I understand you took precautions, yet it happened. You are disappointed? I would be, yet there is still the challenge of helping him.

Now what is your plan. Are friends willing to help? At what point will you and he be willing to sit down and work out a plan to prevent this from happeing again? See you wrote that you worked hard to prevent it but did he know he had to?

These questions are designed to help you get a clearer vision of how to plan your future, not make you feel like a victim.


JMHO,

L.

Thanks for the clarification Orchid.

I don't have a plan. I suppose if I want him to go to work tomorrow, which of course I do, I need to let him come here sometime tonight because he needs his work stuff.

And if he comes here & packs a bag it will look and feel like those other times when we separated. The kids will cry, my heart will hurt, he will fall into a depression of some sort, and life will be all out of whack for who-knows-how-long.

I feel I am entitled to my time to sort this out on my own, yet currently I feel very incapable of doing so.

God, I am so sick of crying!

Julie,

Here's an {{{MB hug}}}. Listen there are MBers out there trying to get you more support. This is a good thing.

Now as your helping you get a plan, would you be willing to consider, the following options:
1. meeting with him and a neutral party to make his sleeping and working arrangements?

2. having both of you take off tomorrow or just him so he can sort things out?

3. you schedule a call to Steve requesting an appointment ASAP, either with you only or both of you?

Either way, he does need help deciding what to do. He may have already been shocked back to reality and if so, additional time out c/b more damaging. We know you need your healing space but there s/b a compromise you can both make providing you both use a clear mind and a calm heart to do so.

Keep checking the boards, I saw a call go out to Mel. She's great and Believer has been watching over you. Those 2 gals are great by themselves but together they form an awesome support group. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,

L.

Your H is a black out drunk frm the sounds of it and needs to get help. Normal drinkers don't need be "policed" and they don't get violent and tear the place up.

Its too damn bad you didn't call the police on him and have him thrown into jail, because you only DEPRIVED him of much needed MEDICINE that could have potentially saved his life. Protecting an alcoholic is HARMFUL TO THEM becuase it deprives them of the help they need.

But, it is too late for that. What you can do is get his agreement to stop drinking FOREVER and start attending AA meetings NOW. Call up AA and get a meeting schedule. Drive him to his first meeting today and sit in the parking lot with the kids while he goes.

That would be a start. This will get worse if you don't do something now.

And please, if he ever does this again, promise me you will HELP HIM by calling the police and having him thrown in jail. If you even know of him drinking and driving, call the police and ask them to pick him up. That is the kindest, most loving thing you can do for your H.

My dad was the kind of alcoholic that couldn't remember his nasty words and actions the next day either. The day he woke up and found my mother covered in bruises, even on her ribs and legs, packing a suitcase he asked her what had happened to her... I'm sure my mother thought he was putting on, but she put the fear of God into him that day - I don't know what she said, but while he didn't stop drinking overnight, and he didn't stop the nasty words, he never laid a hand on her again.

I think you should pack a bag of clothes for him and take it to the friend who's putting him up for the time being. Tell him he has to come up with a plan to put the house back together, the kids back together and YOU back together; and then put that plan into action before he can move back in.

By all means, put the AA schedule in the bag, and get yourself to an Al Anon meeting. It's high time you figured out that your financial difficulty and his alcoholism and raging isn't yours to fix.

After my last post I took a much-needed nap. I turned my phone off too. Thanks for keeping this alive in my absence & for caring.


Years ago when this came up he agreed with me that he needed to get this under control. I said you have a drinking problem. He said he is a binge drinker. I said he needs to seek help for his drinking, he said he needs to stay away from liquor. As I read this, I feel like he won't agree to AA and certainly won't swear off drinking forever. We have a very drinking-centered group of friends, and I'd say it's "in his personality" to drink socially as well. Football games, holidays, on the weekends. He's 'earned' his weekends, he "deserves to blow off steam", etc. You see, this seems hopeless and congratulations to me, I've married my father after all!!

The friends whose house he's at now left him there for the day as they had family plans. My friend called to let me know he's safe, and that they'd be leaving around 3 or 4. I wonder if they gave him a synopsis upon return, as I have another text from him at 3:19: "I am sorry. I don't know what came over me. I love you so much and I never meanto to scare you or hurt you."

I felt compelled to text back that his behavior was unacceptable, he's got a laundry list of repairs to make, and we need to have a serious talk & agreement in order for me to feel safe w/him home, thinking I'd let him home tonight to sleep in the basement or something. Then I came back here & it seems letting him home isn't necessarily right just yet? But keeping him away may be more problematic? I need to do what's right for my family, and I feel like keeping him there is inconveniencing our friends who have a baby and making H feel more punished & possibly resentful.

I agree now that I should have called the police, although like I said I can't afford to bail him out OR have him miss work. So having 8 big strong trusted friends drag him out seemed the better alternative.