Hi all, how are u guys? Actually I have been here long time ago during my divorce, this site does help a lot and keeps me sane knowing I am not the only one going thru this terrible thing call Divorce.

I am currently involved with a woman going thru divorce with a son. She and her husband has been separated for a year now b4 when we confess to each other 2 weeks ago. I would like to read up some books on it, on how it is when one goes out with the kid tho I am not doing that yet. But just thinking abt it makes me nervous and I wanna read up on it. Any good books to recommend? Thanks a lot.

My advice is...

Wait until she is divorced before you go any further. Separated is not the same as divorced.

If you want any respect from her son in the future, don't date his mother whilst she is still married to his father.

Alph.

Alphin: thks. The son is 4 yrs old. The son is staying with her hubby's mom in another state. Only comes back to visit durig holidays or some weekends. Or she would go viosit him once in a while.

While I do understand the concept of not dating when she is still in mid of separation/divorce, that is a little tough for us now. Our feelings are so strong at the moment. I wish we hadn't confess at all that nite weeks ago, but I am glad we did anyhow, do I sound weird? And when realize we have the same feelings, it was just crazy. Before that I just assume she is married(long story this one), thus I did not go any further with my feelings after that other than being just friends, and believe me, I did not even flirt, tho I really like her. She went thru the motions for a year(thin and depressed) in which I do not know of at all. Until she told me when she confess, coz she got to know about it thru a mutual friend of ours abt my feelings for her.

so now, we are just getting to know more of each other intimately. I know I sound like someone who is in love, but that's coz we are faling at the moment. I am trying to be aware of the falling part and not be too emotional. I am afraid too, and realize the risk of losing her altogether down the line. BTW, the hubby cheated on her, thus the separation and divorce. And also.. i recommended her to read books like THE ROAD LESS TRAVELLED, perhaps getting to grips abty this LOVE thing. hmm.. thanks for listening for now, and perhaps recommend some books? hehe...

Well, if her son lives in another state, then you won't be seeing him all that much, so I don't know why you are so worried about that part.

Like Alphin said, I'd be more worried about the fact that she is not yet divorced, and is not likely to be in a good place emotionally right now. You would be her rebound, in all likelihood. Sure, your mutual "confessions" create feelings of excitement, but once the high school giddiness wears off, you would want to make sure that she is emotionally healthy.

Also, why does her son live with the dad's mom? That is quite unusual for the mom to have her 4 yo son live away from her, and I'd want to know why that is.

Other than that, I don't know of any book about dating a parent - do you have any kids, BTW? I often find it that parents and non-prents have trouble "getting" each other, though it may not matter that much if her son does not live with her. Or, it may matter more, because if she is a "normal" parent, she will probably be distraught that her son does not live with her - I know I would be. Food for thought.

AGG

Hi AGOODGUY: yea but what defines a healthy emotion? Yes, I am aware of that "giddiness" wearing off sooner or later, and I told her that as well. To her.. this is her second time she has any feelings for any man and I happen to be her second man, but we are not into physical as of yet. This is comething very new to her, which is rare considering our age, I am 34, she is 35. She is quite good at what she does, from what she told me.. but a mess n homelife. In that she is like a man, she forgets to pay her utility bills, car road tax, things like that. Or she much rather pay someone else to clean the house than wasting time doing it, she much rather do something more productive.

Yes, I am worried abt that divorce not over part also, we both are. We tried not to have any contact, using the NC way. It last less than 24 hours. Perhaps I should reconsider it again... *my heart sank everytime I think of this* I am scared.. how it might turn out.. coz this is how it is when I really like someone.

Actually I have been a parent b4 until I found out that the daughter is not mine during the divorce. yes,.. so much drama. But I am fine now.. *phew* AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE... anyhow this is another story altogether. So yes in a way, I can unsderstand what being a parent feels like. She is not too distraught abt not living with the child.. besides it seems tat she cannoit stay home, it depresses her. The kid is staying with her inlaws coz the husband claim that his mom has this heart condition and letting him stay with her helps... somehow.. I just think that's hogwash. Yes u are right.. I think she may have respoonsibility issues, but when she is with him.. they get a long great and the kid loves her and listens to her. its weird. And this is why I wonder if anyone has this expereince and how... to deal with kids.. I am not good with them.. I dun hate them... but.. then they get too close and clingy, it scares me.. :S am I weird? I have not gone out with her and the son yet.. I think its too erarly for now.. we;'ll see in the future.

I could never date someone who left their kid(s)
All I could feel for them is despise and aversion

If the one cannot take responsibility for their own children that they brought into this world without asking them, how possibly they can take any other responsibility, in relationship with anyone else?!
(Don't fool yourself for her excuses to leave the child – no justified excuses to do that at all… well, unless she is very sick… well I guess she must be…)

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
(If I were a man, I'd run away right away from a woman who states 'you are the second'... in any way <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)


Well, you must be the same kind if you plan to be with her 'happy' (for a longer time)...
Otherwise... more pain in your life...


Doesn't matter if you are weird or whatever else, it is you, and you said this sincerely - just please don't have your own kids before you are ready to have them, raise them, to be close and clingy, to love them.

Huh
I.e., sorry, but I get too emotional when talking about (unwanted) kids... can't help it... poor kids... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I couldn't agree with you More! If any parent man or woman would leave their children it is like this! SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH THAT PERSON, PEROID! THAT IS DEFINITE! Under no reason should a parent leave a child. Not even under the threat of death. If that person would hurt me, then that person would hurt the child!

Same here! it pisses me off and quick!

Looks we've learnt a lot from our past <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

(Well, my x's first child was our son, so he doesn't belong to that story... but to the other one, that I'm sure I learnt the lesson forever...)

Oh gawd, I just got done dating this woman... No time for the mundane things like cleaning, cooking, or running a household, instead focus on the "important" things...


Whoa, my BS meter has just peaked out... She is focusing on being more "productive", but that does not include taking care of her 4 yo son? Warning, dude, warning...


Oh, it's definitely hogwash, and I bet there is way more to the story than meets the eye. There is something very very wrong with this picture, and I am willing to wager that in time you will find out what it is - just hope that you are not too deeply involved with her by then, 'cause it's gonna blow your socks off. I cannot fathom a parent being non-chalant about their 4yo living with a grandparent in another state - there is something way wrong here.

I'd tread very lightly, if I were you. Or, better yet, ask her point blank why her son does not live with her, and, moreover, why she is not losing sleep over it.

AGG

wow.. thks guys.. for the erm.. sincere reaction, I understand where u're coming from. hmm.. perhaps I have taken this totally out of whack. I will try my best to retell the thing ok?

She is from another state(BTW we are in Malaysia, not US) from Penang, she is in KL working, she can't stand staying in Penang coz of parents strict control(and they are very very strict but u know how it is, she loves them nonetheless) and the mominlaw in another state, a very underdevelope town in Malaysia. No way she can stay there or get a job there as good as in KL, a metropolitan in KL. So after the separation, the hubby moves out, and she works, so no one to take care of the kid. Her own mom can't really move to KL to tak ecare of the kid. Her hubby says let the kid stay with his mom, they agreed. That is all I know so far. U are right. I will ask also what happened BEFORE the separation, and will come back to u guys on it. Thks, that is why I am here guys... so I may think better. She does lose sleep over it when the hubby got angry over her persistent to get a divorce and he treaten to take the kid etc. *sigh* I know.. sucks. using a child as his pawn.

She is very professional when it comes to her work. But her life is well,.. she is a slop, in that sense, haha. I just got to know she did not pay her electricity for 6 months andabout to be cut off... I laugh until I cry, still I ask her to tak ecare of it herself, to learn, ...

Thks guys will keep u guys posted on the kid part BEFORE the separation. Just needed u guys to understand how paranoid we ar eover here abt hiring a maid, they cannot be trusted and known to abuse kids... and with her mom not been able to come down, it's kinda tough. that is all for now

Hmmmmm......I still see a huge RED FLAG here. There is no way I can leave my kids for a job. I rather take the less paying job to be with my kids than a higher paying job and not see my kids.

My boss offered me a higher paying job but my hours would change from 8-5, to 12-9. I said,"no thank you...I get to raise my kids once and I want to do it right"

All I can say is......run and don't look back! Seems like this is just another roller coaster ride.

Whoaaa... emoguy.. there are lots of single, divorced or separated parents working and taking care of their kids in KL, without help from in laws. If you are in town, drop by the Divorced and Widowed Network (DAWN) meetings at SFX on Jln Gasing. Find out how they manage.

The big red flag that I can see is, this person has little sense of responsibility.

1) She disregards paying bills for six months till the eletricity gets cut off.

2) She leaves her child with mother-in-law. Did she try to find a suitable day care in KL? Or is it just convenient for someone else to take care of her responsibilites?

She's been married with kids, and her parents are still strict with her so she has to leave town? Why don't they trust her?

Whoa... BIG red flag.

You didn't say which part of her you are *falling* for. The professional part? Have you really seen her at work and how she deals with people? Is being a professional the excuse for not paying bills and taking care of own responsibilities? Don't be blinded by this 'little girl' who is not able to take care of normal adult responsibilities. They usually cannot work through crisis either.

Sorry to sound so judgemental. I'm cynical.

RUFFLEDNOT: thks for the info, ARe u in KL. OMG! when I was goin thru my divorce I was cursing that the gov in Malaysia offers no help at all to divorcess.. like a support group. Thks for the info. Might u als ohave the details, like address contact person etc? Thks a lot!

1) She disregards paying bills for six months till the eletricity gets cut off.

Yes, I have already told her this. The thing is she is so dependent on her then husband. She got married at the age of 20.. so it figures. the husband is a good person, but then this is not helping her to grow thus, I ask her to read THE ROAD LESS TRAVELLED, which she like so far.

2) She leaves her child with mother-in-law. Did she try to find a suitable day care in KL? Or is it just convenient for someone else to take care of her responsibilites?

She is generally paranoid abt other ppl/ strangers taking care of her child. the kid is here now, she wants to send her to some holiday camp for kids, I said why not... she and the mominlaw can takew the cab, she is even paranoid abt that. So I told her that I know a cabby whom my company use, so he can be trusted. She is just to paranoid it seems abt many things.

Its ok.. u guys dun sound judgemental at all, in fact most of what u guys mention it is at the back of my mind as well, so no worries.

How I fell for her? Its hard to put it in word. We met 3 years ago b4 the actual confession. I like her.. at firsyt sight( i dun believe in love at first sight so I use LIKE, in some instances it is lust.. but this is not it) I like her attitude, her confidence, yet she is the most shy gal I have ever met in my life. i lke the way she smiles, I love hearing her voice. And to be honest, i dunno why she would like a guy like me. Ok.. I just realize I am in this "in love" phase and whatever I said here on wards is lame lame lame... but it is what I feel and I cannot deny this. But I am well aware of the IN LOVE phase... wish me luck then. That is also why I didn't wanna get into the sexual part so soon, less it clouds my judgememnt.. I realy wanna know her more and more.. and that is why I know I am for real on this one... and it is very scary for me.

Immovingon: Yes u are right and I agree. Really I have no comment on what u said thus far, coz well, you are right.On the other hand, who in that right mind would go for divorce for it will affect a child somewhat... but this is another topic altogether. Stil even if she works from 9-5.. who is to take care of the child between that time? Coz she is too afraid to send the kid to some nursery. And believe me, becoz of the situation in Malaysia parents(divorced or otherwise) are paranoid abt these places. Again. She should have the initative to find out more. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Thks guys

Yes, and what a price to pay for that lesson. Sorry for being upset. But I love children so much that it's hard for me to just stand by and watch when children's emotional needs are not fulfilled. "scars never go away".

I am wary of giving away phone numbers on the internet. Please call 103 and ask for St Francis Xavier Church on Jln Gasing, PJ. Get the number of the DAWN coordinator from the church.

Meetings are on every first and third Saturdays. You and your friend are welcome to join.

RuffledNOT I think I know where it is then. I can just drive over to enquire abt the DAWN network. Its the same stretch where u find chicken rice stalls... well thks