Hello this going to be very long,

Here's the deal. 4 weeks ago, my wife of 5 years ago said to me..."I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore." It took a couple of days to sink in and I had to also gather my thoughts because of how my life was about to be turned upside down. 3 days later, I lost it, pleaded and begged wanted to know why. All she could say is "I'm sorry, I don't want to hurt you, my feelings have changed and I can't help it.." Just a question, but if it isn't your intention but it's going to happen anyway, why mention that, just say it... Anyway, I panicked, flowers, love notes, everything for 2 days. She said she needed some space and wanted me to trust her. Only to find out the next day she is involved in an emotional affair with the "man (termed used very loosely)." She said that she hasn't done anything physically with the man, but she was afraid she was going to, and how could I love her knowing this. I told her, if she felt she was going to do it, stay away from that guy and I also told her for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer I will love you. That didn't do any good because 2 days later she kissed him. She tells me that there isn't any sexual intercourse going on, and I'd like to believe her, but I completely don't. She told me that her life had slowly stopped when she married me and the kids trapped her into our marriage and she couldn't take it anymore. She said her feelings have changed and that she didn't want to give me a second chance or even work on our marriage through counseling, nothing. Well, she did for 2 days, but when this replacement, said "I'll wait for you" she gave up trying. So now I have to go at it alone.

After I found that out, I pretty much kicked her out of the house. I told her that if I didn't live in her heart, she wasn't going to live in my house. We have 2 children, 4 years and 6 months. We are suffering from financial problems, trying to sell a house and rent one. We both work different shifts and never see each other. We suffered a huge communication breakdown and got caught up in the life routine and forgot about each other emotionally. I come from a broken home that had a very nasty divorce when I was 6, her parents just celebrated their 25th anniversary. She was raped by her older half-brother about 16 years ago while he was on drugs, and she was also diagnosed depressed when she was a teenager. I didn't have anything too traumatic in my life, other than my parents getting divorced. We did get married rather fast and early, I was 22 and she was 19 and that was only after a couple of months dating, and became pregnant 2 months after that. So we essentially hit the ground running needless to say and didn't have much of "us" time. And to repeat, we have a 6 month old, so there is possible PPD.

The "man" is somebody that I know of and knows of me. This person tried to buy the house we are selling, and didn't even come close to getting approved, terrible credit score and repos a mile long. This person is also married and has 3 children under 4. He makes, from what she says, $4000 a month driving a truck and works 14 hours a day. Apparently, his wife is also abusive towards him and his children. *Side note: if your spouse is abusive towards your children, wouldn't you get them out of there before trying to steal another man's wife, even if she made first move?* He left his wife 2 weeks ago to move into his mother's house, who kicked him out and now he has to stay with a friend. I asked my wife, if he really wanted to be with you, shouldn't he tell her he wants out like you did? The answer was no, because she is crazy and will kill her and take him for all he's got and then some. My wife doesn't realize what baggage is. He swears he will leave his wife for my wife and of course my wife believes him. She is bent on leaving a decent marriage with a man who has never beat her, doesn't drink that much, doesn't do drugs at all, has been completely faithful, and two wonderful children for a man who is married, has 3 children and a crazy wife and works doubles driving a truck. She also told me that this person is a lot like me, but just more social, heck, we'd be good friends... Does she think I'm stupid?

She complained about us never doing anything because of time or money, the kids are always around, and blah blah blah, and so she wants to be with a guy who is never home and has three kids, so now she wants to be alone with 5 kids? Call me the crazy one.

We've been to a counselor once, we both didn't feel comfortable with her and now we are going to see a different one. Well, actually I'm going, and she's coming along. I'm not forcing her to go, but as long as I can get her through the door, then I'm happy. She doesn't see what a counselor is going to do and is stupid in going, but still she goes. I had her move out of the house because we needed to be away from each other as she was already staying out late, on the phone late at night and being secretive, so I had her do it somewhere else. She is staying at her parents' house and they aren't helping her out much with the kids when it is her time to watch them and making her realize how it is on your own. We have both agreed to separate for 6 months and reevaluate the situation then. If she wants back or I want out earlier then that can be decided then. This is pretty much our last option because we almost made an appointment to go see a mediator next week. We rushed into our marriage, let's not rush out of it. I look at it, as I can't be beating myself over this anymore, I've lost 20 pounds in the past 3 weeks, can't eat, can't sleep, irregular bowel movements, the entire spectrum and I've decided enough is enough.

I can handle my own because I've been there in this type of situation and she hasn't and has no clue what she's missing out on. Her entire family is very upset with her, but her friends are telling her to do what ever makes her happy. My family is supporting me through this rough time because divorce is common in my family and I decided the chain stops with me. The only hope I have is third party support who has no idea what is going can make us realize how stupid she is being. I have taken full responsibility for my part in the communication break down of our marriage and am trying to live without regrets so I've been telling her everything that I feel I should have told her and didn't. I've brought her to tears several times with the things I have said and I know she still cares. She on the other hand has told me it is hard for to express her feelings and is very shelled when it comes to feelings. She has told me what is going on in her head and I know where her head is, but I have no idea what is going on in her heart and without knowing that, I'm always going to feel a little lost when it comes to her.

Do I take her back? Do I give up for now? What are some things I can do with this temporary new found freedom? What is she doing now? What about the kids? Do I get a girlfriend now? These, plus thousands of other questions are going on in my mind and they are decreasing day by day, but if I'm this confused by the whole situation, I can only imagine what is going on in her head.

Yes, I am scheduled to see a doctor and I have encouraged her to see her obgyn to rule out any PPD, but she is SURE that there is nothing wrong with her as far as depression goes, so enjoy. She was bent against it and once I mentioned the kids sake, she somewhat agreed to go "because it would make me happy." Same reason I got her to go to the counseling, because it was for the kids and I didn't want to be messed up if anything were to come of this and she didn't need to either. She worries about the symptoms of her feelings, not the source of the symptoms, so that third party intervention will help some, but only as much as she will let it, really.

She has already agreed to give me primary custody of the children because I'm going to be staying in the rented house until the lease is up (Oct 2007) and she has nowhere to go once she wears out her welcome at her parents' house (really soon). I know nothing is for certain, so I've got in from her in writing, but I've been calling lawyers to make sure what to and not to do. One thing is that if she keeps this up with the potential situation she's facing, the kids will be better off with me. Her father is on the lease and since he is the lease holder, he's already said she's the one out and I'm not because he feels that I'm the better adult at this time. She can't afford her own place, so she stays with her new toy. But he left his wife, so he moved in with his mom, but his mom kicked him out, so now he stays with a friend of his whenever she doesn't have the children. But whenever she is not with him, she is always on the phone with this tool, because he drives a truck the delivers a crane so he has a lot of spare time on his hands, especially when she has the children, and it bothers me that she ignores them for this idiot and I don't want to put my children in this situation, but how else is she to learn? I know if she doesn't change pretty quick I will take the kids and she can have all the freedoms she wishes.

She even said that if things didn't work out with this fool, she was going to get her own place. If our house doesn't sell in the next few months she won't be able to afford it as we're pretty financially restricted together, she won't get far on her own, even with the equity from the house after we pay off certain things and then split.

I've got a good support group forming for me. I am a personal trainer at a very big fitness center, and I have met some very influencial people, pastors, police, everyday people, people in same situations, etc, and the support from them has been overwhelming. So I know how important health is physically and mentally, I am only a person with true emotions just like everybody else. As to where she supervises a bunch of teenagers in a dining room at a retirement community and her best friend is in her mid 40s (she is 24) who is really confused at the moment.

I do have to admit though, that as much as I'm the primary caregiver now in this situation, I could really use her help in this one. Her family helps me when possible, but her family refuses to help her and only does when it is in the best interest of the children, not to let her run free and be an idiot.

I know how I reacted in the beginning was foolish, but that is the funny thing about hindsight, it's always 20/20. There is nothing I can do to change what is done, only help impact what is to happen, if I can even do that. I know that even if there wasn't a communication breakdown or all of the other problems we are faced with, who's to say this wouldn't have happened anyways? The whole girlfriend question was more of a hypothetical one aimed at 6 months down the road, not now. Honestly, if I were to even flirt with another girl, or maybe show some advanced signs of affection, I still feel like I'd be cheating also, and I would. So I have no intentions of kissing or anything beyond that because that would paint me in a bad light.

To make matters worse, she told me that she started feeling this way right before we conceived our second son. We had talked about it and agreed to it, but 2 weeks later of trying she tells me that if she doesn't get pregnant, she wants to stop trying. Low and behold she got pregnant. She said she felt that she needed to be happy and in some cases she was and then some days she wasn't. She said that she didn't feel right telling me any of this while she was pregnant because she didn't want to get divorced while pregnant, so she figured she would wait it out. That's when a this waste of human life entered the picture. And when I asked her why didn't she just tell me about it instead of cheating on me, her reply was that hopefully it would make her not love me any more and make me want to push her away. Well I still love her and it made me kick her out of the house, but she was out till very late at night anyways hiding and sneaking so she wasn't home as it was then so it was like she left me anyways.

I also forgot to mention that I caught her with this man 2 weeks ago and I didn't see the guy where they were caught that was because he was hiding on me. It a good thing I didn't see him because I don't know what I would have done.

Thank you.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to be. Most of us have gone through the sleepless nights, losing weight, and being miserable period. We know how you feel.

I suggest you waste no time telling the other man's wife. That will help the most.

Then be sure to do a good Plan A. Also get the custody agreement in writing.

Great to see you here !!! You will get a lot of good information on this board.

First of all, expose to OMW and WW's family and friends. Get yourself on ADs to help get you through this situation. Read up on Plan A and implement it (invite WW back into the home and let her know that you are doing this to try and save your marriage). Gather up as much info as possible on OM and their communication. Does your wife work? Are you the sole breadwinner? If so, I would cut your wife off financially because the OM cannot support her. I would print out the EN questionnaires and try to get her to fill hers out. Meet her ENs, all the while making her affair as uncomfortable as possible. Your problem is that she seems all to willing to give up her children.

BUMP

StAnger:


This is not a good sign! But who wanted to marry so quickly? Her, you of both?


Good, try to keep her going to therapy and yes try to get a good one!

what you are telling me is raising a lot of red flags. Please visit this web site. It helped me understand why my ex did the "crazy stuff" that she did.

http://counsellingresource.com/quizzes/loser/index.html

Not sure if this applies to you, but it can't hurt to look.

have you exposed the affair to the man's wife yet?

this is the BEST thing you can do

the man makes 4,000 a month but didn't get approved for a mortgage? can you say....loser??

his wife abuses him? sounds like it might be a sob story to get your wife to feel sorry for him

it seems that no matter what a loser the other person is....if they make your spouse feel good about THEMSELVES that's all it takes for them to think they are "in love"

gross

We both work. I work mornings, she works nights. We share the child watching duties while the other works. I watch the kids four nights a week, and she gets three, because I make her. I don't like using the kids as leverage, but I have to do something.

Her family knows and her family is very upset with her. She only has to friends, one being the OP, and the other one she works with and is over 20 years older than her. I found out she is staying with OP when she is not watching children.

I went to the library and borrowed several books on this topic, including Love Busters, and Love Must Be Tough to mention a few, also some on divorced fathers and divorce and finances.

I am doing Plan A, but I had to kick her out of the house because I could not do the roommate thing and be sane at the same time. Been researching Plan B for a few days, thinking about it, but don't want to do anything too risky thus far because she is still agreeing to go to counseling with me.

This is a very hard time for me and I'm doing the best that I can for my children first of all, her needs, then my own sanity, because if everyone else is happy, then I'll be happy.

Hello, EXPOSE to OMW! This is your best bet. Do it today!